© Unknown
5. Hot toddy

A Georgia man tells police that attackers set his head on fire. But surveillance video shows him convincing friends to douse him in overproof rum then light it so he can lurch round a bar in flames then go to hospital. Police won't charge him because some things are their own punishment. Like jokes that start: A guy walks into a saloon and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the red face?"

4. Shot mouse

A camper near Wawa tries to kill a mouse with a rifle and barely survives. See, he was pounding at it with the butt end and, ooops, was it loaded? In uptight Ontario he will be charged, with careless use of a firearm. Still, he's lucky it wasn't a rat.

3. Naggy state

The British government pays a company to wake up teens so they can stagger to work on time, drive them to job interviews and help them develop regular habits ... like depending on the state for everything. Asked for comment, the Ministry of Make Your Bed referred inquiries to the Department of This Isn't A Hotel.

2. Swim away

Frankenstein's heirs make artificial jellyfish from rat heart muscles and silicon, zap them with electricity, and the hideous things start to swim. Now they hope to get them to eat as well which, a Cal Tech bioengineering prof explains, would "extend their lifetime." If not ours. Swell. Nothing says relaxing tropical vacation like a swarm of hungry artificial rat heart and rubber jellyfish.

1. Pearly white

The Journal of Structural Biology says sharks get lots of fluoride in their teeth without even having to eat a dentist. Swell. Nothing says relaxing tropical vacation like lethal streamlined killing machines with advanced dental plans.