Gerald Ford Dead at 93: President Bush Mourns Loss of Innovative Bestower of Felony-Erasing Pardons whitehouse.org 27 Dec 06 THE PRESIDENT: Today, I am deeply saddened by the loss of Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States. (Sniffs.) The American people will always admire President Ford for his duty, his personal character, his masterful practice of the physical comedy arts, and his lifelong battle with terminal cancer of the personality. I personally mourn Gerry's passing, if for no other reason than it's lonely at the bottom of history's barrel. Naw, naw. I'm just kidding around. Don't feel sorry for me, no. Shhhhhh! We're here to get all weepy over a ninety-three year old man who keeled over. I mean, ninety-three. That's what they do, those ninety-three year old men: they die. Babies poop in diapers. Etcetera, etcetera. I mean, I'm all busted up. Gerry was a great dude, a little stiff, but he filled out a pair of golf pants real nice and Aunt Betty sure could mix a mean Dilaudid & Percocet gimlet. So, like, I'm bummed that he kicked off. Blahblahblah. At least it'll keep Iraq off the papers for a couple days. Shit. Where was I... ? Oh. President Ford. He was a brave man who served his country through a tumultuous and delicate period in American history. You know, if you think about it, ol' Gerry and I have a lot in common. For instance, in both 1974 and 2000, we were both technically elected to the Presidency. And our administrations are both packed to the rafters with holdovers from Richard Nixon's ethically immaculate staff and cabinet. Also: President Ford valued naps, and so do I. He was a man forced by fate - and in my case Wall Street, Jesus, and Saudi Arabia - into the most important office in the land. He met the challenge of leading so many by listening to so few by sort of lowering his eyelids...like... so... and going somewhere... happy. Like... so. Hey, look! It's Moses wrestling cavemen! I'm back. As you know, the Middle East of the mid-seventies was a war-torn wasteland where Arabs and Israelis brutally fought each other, and terrorism flourished. Not that much different than today. The only difference, of course, is that we went and stuck our dick in it. So it was simpler then. Unlike now, when it's complex. Real complex. Evil and good and ancient inter-tribal power dynamics and international geopolitical consequences. But Rummy and Dick were there back then, when it was all fucked up, so they knew what they were doing. I mean, we knew what we were doing. Are doing. Um. I remember back in 1980, when Uncle Ronnie had given my poppy a humiliating thumpin' in the primary, and was considering asking former President Ford to be his running mate. Even though he'd only been POTUS for like two years, Gerry was so freakin' deluded about his own appeal, he insisted that any Reagan/Ford ticket would result in a "Co-Presidency." Fortunately for me, my daddy was perfectly happy to be the Dutch's unquestioning lapdog, fetching coffee and attending funerals for eight years so that some day, OUR family could become an omnipotent legacy that gets to commit even more felonies in office than Tricky Dicky and the Gipper combined! (Thumbs up) Of course, Gerry Ford's true legacy lies in his innovative and unprecedented use of the Presidential pardon to grant a "Get Out of Jail Free" card to recently-former Presidents in imminent danger of getting their prostates massaged by big, hairy cellmates named Rocko. Why do you think I chose Gerry's own Chief of Staff, Dick Cheney, to be my Vice President? I mean, I may not be the sharpest spork in the door, but I got instincts enough to cover my ass, you know? (Laughs.) Hear that, Pelosi? Hear that, Hillary and Harry Reid? I hope so. And next week, when you're crying crocodile tears over Ford's crusty corpse, slowly putrefying in the Capitol rotunda, just remember: it's not worth even trying to impeach me - because if you do, me and Dick will just pull a Gerry, and be laughing all the way to our cushy three decade retirements playing thousands and thousands of rounds of golf, while all the other LOSER ex-Presidents waste their time helping the world's poor, AIDS-infested, tsunami-drenched TRASH. (Laughs.) Thank you, and may God Bless Post-Ford America. SOURCE

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