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Thu, 25 May 2017
The World for People who Think

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Orangutan slaps tourist taking a selfie!

Jakarta -- A tourist traveling with friends in Indonesia captured their encounter with an initially-friendly orangutan that ended up slapping one of the men in the face.

The video, posted to YouTube by user RailGod, shows the group of men and their guides riding on a boat traveling down the Sekonyer river in the Borneo jungle.

"We came across a wild orangutan hanging over the river on our way to Camp Leakey, who joined us in the boat," the uploader wrote.

The orangutan appears unafraid of the humans and approaches them to receive some offered snacks. The primate appears content to take food from the hands and mouths of the men, but seems suddenly annoyed when one of the men attempts to take a selfie with it. The orangutan slaps the man in the face and quickly backs away from him.

"He just slapped me, like, right on the nose!" the uninjured man says through laughter. The orangutan hangs out at the back of the boat for a little longer before climbing back into the trees.


Deepak Chopra sneezes and detaches retina in third eye

Don't sniff it, Deepak!
New Age poster boy and spiritual heartthrob Deepak Chopra was rushed to hospital last night, after detaching the retina in his third-eye.

Chopra, who advocates against excess materialism, was meditating in his 2.5 million dollar mansion on Friday night when the incident occurred.


New RoboQueen convinces on first public appearance

© Leon Neal/AFP/GettyImages
The new Queen robot or 'RoboQueen' made a convincing debut in public yesterday with a visit to church at Sandringham.

The appearance was delayed by two weeks after bugs in the RoboQueen's software caused her to make obscene gestures whenever she saw a swan, proving calamitous at breakfast.

"It went well. Very well," said lead designer of the RoboQueen, Dr Eleanor Gay.

"We surveyed the credulous simpletons who line the street to stare at her and the majority were convinced it was the Queen and not a soulless, uncaring automaton."

The RoboQueen is the beginning of an ambitious project to replace the entire royal family with robots so that the real royals can spend their time shooting animals and doing Ali G impressions.

Simon Williams witnessed the RoboQueen.

"Really convincing. I'd never have guessed it was a robot," he declared.

However, as he is the sort of person who stands in a road to look at an old lady going to church, his judgement is questionable.

He was supportive of the RoboRoyal program, though.

"Yeah, that's fair enough. I mean, they have a hard life with all that waving and going on State visits to the Caribbean.

"Why not get robots to do the boring bits, like going to church or meeting that Prime Minister and that."

It is understood that instead of attending church, the Queen spent Sunday morning lying on her sofa with a family bag of Maltesers on her chest watching 'Jenny Bond's 100 funniest Glorious Goodwood bloopers.'


Facebook censorship goes too far, bans God's account for His wrath against military spending

Facebook's notorious censorship — which has included takedowns of iconic images like the Vietnam War's 'Napalm Girl' to the arrest of Rosa Parks to a photograph of a classical statue of Venus — reached a whole other level of absurd recently, when the platform suspended God's account.

God, a religious satire profile, had the nerve to write a post critical of spending priorities of the bellicose United States, stating:

"Dear Americans:

Stop making your military so damn huge and give people medicine and education because you're sick and stupid.




Trump Gives Intel Agencies Their Daily Briefing

Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.

"With the inauguration just weeks away, the president-elect held a meeting today to bring leaders of the intelligence community up to speed on critical information that will affect his diplomatic and defense decisions as the nation's commander-in-chief," said Reince Priebus, Trump's chief of staff, noting that the president-elect was planning to give briefings to intelligence officials every morning during his presidency in order to keep them closely apprised of the greatest areas of concern and latest threats to the nation.

"There's a considerable amount of secret and highly sensitive intel about military operations and diplomatic affairs that only Mr. Trump has the expertise to provide, and it's imperative that he convey these findings to our nation's intelligence directors. This is an invaluable service provided by Mr. Trump, and these meetings will be as frequent and as thorough as necessary to ensure the urgent information that Mr. Trump has gathered reaches those in our intelligence community."

Priebus added that the specifics covered during the briefings would be kept classified, as much of it would be incredibly shocking to the American populace.

Comment: Funny thing is, with the "intelligence" community's record, they'd probably do a better job!


"I lost because hackers showed America what a complete F-ing lunatic I am" (satire)(but true!)(ya know?)

© Washington Post
"Screw them, too!"
In what is being hailed as Hillary Clinton's most honest interview to date, WWN visits the former secretary of state's home in Chappaqua, New York.

Greeted at the front gates by her husband and former president Bill Clinton, this reporter was immediately patted down by him personally and told to leave my car outside the property.

"Don't worry pal, you won't get a ticket here, " he said, winking, before pressing his brittle index finger against his right nostril and hocking out mucus onto the ground.

© Snopes
Barn-livin' runs deep fer Hilly 'n Billy.
As we walked up to the converted farmhouse, Bill pointed to a barn to the side.

"I wrote my book in there," he pointed out, as if giving an important history lesson, "and that's not all I get up to in there, if ya know what I mean," now gyrating his pelvis in and out, mimicking a sex noise.

Mr. Clinton led me into the house, but stopped at the entrance.

"This is as far as I'm allowed go," he said, with a deep sadness in his eyes.

With that he skipped off towards the barn while I rang the doorbell.

An African American butler by the name of Hos answered and led me into a large living area where a rather frail Hillary Clinton egged me in.

Comment: Nutin' like a bang-up-job confessin'! We're good? Yeah.


U.S. intel says four-year-old hacked Trump's Twitter account

© Photograph by Cyrus McCrimmon/Getty
An alarming report issued by heads of the U.S. intelligence agencies on Friday asserts that the Twitter account of President-elect Donald Trump was successfully hacked by a four-year-old child.

Profilers and cryptologists who studied Trump's Twitter feed believe that the account was first hacked during the 2016 campaign, when the child was three.

"The hacker would often wake up in the middle of the night, in an addled and cranky state, and start tweeting," an intelligence source said. "This disrupted sleep pattern is consistent with a suspect in the three-to-four-year-old age range."

N.S.A. analysts who studied the vocabulary, syntax, and spelling of the tweets "determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are the work of a preschooler," the source said.

While the intelligence agencies have yet to determine the identity of the hacker, the source stressed that a four-year-old capable of hacking the President-elect's Twitter account poses "a serious national-security threat."

"Based on these tweets, this particular four-year-old has a loose grasp on reality, lacks all impulse control, and is potentially very dangerous."


Funniest fake news story of the year: Killary smells like boiled cabbage and urine

The Podesta story went viral quickly before it was discovered to be false, but it is so funny that I just have to share! It purported that a newly leaked email from Hillary Clinton's Campaign Manager John Podesta is titled "Hillary actions / unpleasant odor."

But the "WikiLeaks" email was fake and did not come from WikiLeaks!:

"People tell me that Hillary is acting 'like a retard' since her head injury," wrote Podesta on March 22, 2015. "Frankly, considering her normal behavior, I'm surprised anyone noticed! (this is a joke!) Have someone talk to her doctor and see if there's anything he can give her."

"Also, I've noticed she's had an 'odor' lately," he continued. "It reminds me of a combination of boiled cabbage, urine and farts. I'm guessing it's either connected to her fall or simply the fact that she rarely bathes."

"Outside of encouraging her to take a shower once in a while, I don't know what to do about this. — any suggestions would be appreciated."

Comment: This woman has her own thoughts on Eau de Killary:

Magic Wand

CrazyRussianHacker: Check out these 7 dog gadgets (Video)

CrazyRussianHacker is known on Youtube for his crazy experiments and testing different products.

In this latest installment, the hacker, along with his 2 adorable helpers test the latest in dog toys and gadgets.

Some of the products tested are a ball launcher, a cooling mat for summer time fun, a light up leash for night walks and bags to take on those walks to pick up after your dog.

Please be sure to check out safety ratings on any toys or gadgets you purchase.


Obama greenlights one last drone strike 'for old times' sake'

© Waterford Whispers News
Outgoing American President Barack Obama has ordered one last drone strike this evening in an emotional goodbye to his 8 years in office.

Visiting the White House situation room for what is expected to be his last time, the teary eyed 55-year-old gazed into the freshly printed mission sheet, before greenlighting its proposed strike on an al Qaeda stronghold in Yemen, wiping a single tear from his cheek.

"I'm really going to miss this old place," he told his military personnel, who began relaying the strike order over the phone to a 24-year-old drone operator in Texas, "Bin Laden, Gaddafi, so many great memories we've had here, guys. Some sick ass shit, stuff I'll take with me the grave. Delicate stuff. Stuff I hope my predecessor has the balls carry out when the time arises", adding, "At least with Hillary, you know that crazy bitch would just blitz anything, no questions asked".

Watching the situation room's high resolution screen, Obama hummed the national anthem eerily in the background to the black and white images, streaming from the multimillion dollar unmanned aircraft, now flying to its target in Sana'a, West Yemen.

"Is that a school?" he asked, before then correcting himself, "ah, a mosk! I nearly shat myself there. It would be a bad week to kill kids; so close to Christmas, and that".

Timing his instruction 'engage target' to the peak of his Star Spangled Banner rendition, "O'er the land of the free...", the next former president of the United States of America climaxed the song as two AGM-114 Hellfire II air-to-ground missiles simultaneously pummelled the ground below.

"....and the home of the brave!", he finished, before bowing to his applauding peers.