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Mon, 25 Jul 2016
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Leaked Panama Papers reveal that bears sh!t in the woods

© NewsThump
Journalists have today published more startling and completely unexpected revelations leaked from Panama Law firm Mossack Fonseca, this time revealing that bears shit in the woods.

The papers, which have previously revealed startling and completely unexpected allegations of money laundering and tax avoidance against public figures such as Vladimir Putin, President al-Assad of Syria, Fifa officials and Conservative party fundraisers, were shown to a visibly stunned audience at a press conference earlier today.

Professor Ursula Majors from the National Institute of Bear Behaviour stammered, "I had absolutely no suspicion about this.

"We knew that bears lived in the woods, slept in the woods, ate in the woods, and urinated in the woods.

"We knew that they gave birth in the woods and died in the woods.

"But we had no idea whatsoever that bears shit in the woods."

Professor Majors continued: "Even once when I was on a six month field trip in the woods, and found that I had trodden in bear excrement whilst nearby a male grizzly wiped his posterior with a roll of Andrex, complaining about a curry he'd had the night before - even then I had no idea that it would one day be revealed that bears shit in the woods.

"This changes everything."

Journalists have warned people to be ready for more startling and completely unexpected revelations from the Panama Papers later today, this time concerning the Pope's religious beliefs.

Comment: For obvious reasons, it's too much to expect most Westerners to realize that Putin and al-Assad are actually decent leaders.

As we can see though, they are not at all surprised to hear confirmation that Western leaders are utterly corrupt.


Dollar

Public reckons that the rich, white tax evaders will go to prison

© NewsThump
Incredibly rich and powerful tax evaders are definitely off to the clink, reckons the public.

Following an enormous leak regarding the shady tax arrangements of hundreds of rich people, Her Majesty's prisons are doubtless bracing themselves for the new intake.

"Of course they will go to prison. They've broken the law on a massive scale. That's what happens," said Elizabeth King, a heartbreakingly naïve woman from Bolton.

"I mean, I decided not to pay for some petrol once and I got chased down by two police cars, roughed up and thrown in jail for a night. So God knows what they'll be doing to these bastards.

"I don't want to be rude but they'll probably want to use their last days of freedom to stock up on some quality lubricants. Effectively stealing millions of pounds lands you in one of the rougher prisons, I should imagine?"

Lawyer to the rich and famous, Simon Williams, said, "Hahahaha, no."

"Which part of rich, white and powerful isn't clear to you people?

"They'll have half a day in court, be fined an amount that will barely make them blink, then do it all again only better, but not before paying me.

"The system really does give me a boner sometimes."

Smiley

What happens when #TheInternetNamesAnimals

© Martin P, comp by d'Estries/Shutterstock
The Internet has decided to rename animals in the spirit of Boaty McBoatface.
From 'Stab Rabbit' (porcupine) to 'Huggles Von Deathcuddle' (grizzly bear), here are some of the hilarious new monikers.

The Internet has decided to rename animals in the spirit of Boaty McBoatface.

We can't stop laughing — and it's all Boaty McBoatface's fault.

That ridiculous moniker has been making headlines thanks to a public plea from Britain's Natural Environment Research Council to come up with a name for its new $288 million polar research vessel. The Internet suggested such fine candidates the RRS Henry Worsley, after the British explorer who passed away earlier this year, as well as the RRS David Attenborough, after the famed naturalist. And then came the entry of the RRS Boaty McBoatface which, as of this morning, has amassed an Internet-approved 77,936 votes, 10 times more than its closest competition.

Footprints

American becomes Japan's first full-time foreign ninja

© Facebook/Hattori Hanzo and the Ninjas
Pictured is the Hattori Hanzo and the Ninjas, a ninja troupe that entertains for tourism purposes.
A region of Japan looking to use "ninja" warriors to boost tourism has made an American man the first foreigner to draw a salary for joining the ranks of the stealth assassins.

Aichi Prefecture in central Japan had been seeking 6 full-time ninjas - the covert martial arts masters and agents of sabotage who prowled the shadows in feudal times - and in a job posting last month said candidates of any nationality were welcome. (READ: Japan region seeks full-time 'ninjas' for tourism)

Of the 235 applicants eager to don the black costume of the deadly denizens of the night, an astonishing 85 percent were foreigners, and 29-year-old Chris O'Neill impressed so much during auditions that officials created an extra spot just for him.

The Tokyo-based American "will be Japan's first salaried, full-time ninja paid by a local municipality," Satoshi Adachi of the Aichi's tourism unit told AFP after O'Neill dazzled the panel with an array of acrobatic back flips.

Smiley

The US 'Shame of Thrones' presidential election

It appears George R.R. Martin's best-selling book series has a lot of similarities to the 'ice' and 'fire' of the current election campaign. Two powerful families (the establishment vs Bernie and Trump) of liars and honest men (and women) playing a deadly game for control of the 'kingdom'...

© [email protected]_mastropavlos

Cowboy Hat

Man on horseback pursues thief in mall parking structure, recovers woman's purse


Northridge Fashion Center
A woman shopping in Northridge was surprised when a man ran past her and swiped her handbag. But she was in for more of a surprise when a man on horseback, no less, saw what happened and chased the thief. A man on a steed doing a great deed. Like something out of a Hollywood movie.

The incident took place Friday evening at the busy Fashion Center Mall.

KCAL9's Jennifer Kastner reported from the scene where the hero on horseback came to a shopper's aid.Even 24 hours later, customers had trouble believing the Hollywood-ized story.

"Did this really happen?," said shopper Natalie Rivera.

According to the LAPD, yes.

Video

Terror War on You: Coming soon to theaters everywhere

YouTube satirist Deek Jackson makes a hilarious and oh so true parody about the war on terror. The war on terror is really a terror war on you, and it always has been.

Attention

Scientists slowly reintroducing rare group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society


A member of the endangered subtype of human, who possesses the unusual abilities to calmly reflect on situations and view the world from others’ perspectives, is reintroduced into the population.
In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists announced Friday they have slowly begun to reintroduce normal, well-adjusted human beings back into society.

According to officials at Cornell University, where for the past 18 years conservation researchers have operated an enclosed sanctuary for humans who are levelheaded and make it a habit to think before they speak, the endangered group is being cautiously reintegrated into select locations nationwide in hopes that they can reestablish permanent communities and one day thrive again.

"We've worked for years to stabilize our society's dwindling population of sane, generally reasonable people, and within the safe confines of our refuge we've finally seen their numbers start to bounce back a little," said Josh Adelson, head of the Cornell research team, which moved the remaining members of the group into a protected habitat in 1998 to keep them from dying off completely. "Now, we can very gradually begin to release this rare breed of rational humans back into the general public. With luck, they can survive and prosper."

Hearts

Loyal fish holds vigil by trapped friend's side until help arrives

While exploring the waters of Thailand's Chaloklum Bay, a snorkeler happened upon a bittersweet scene of friendship between two little pufferfish.

One of the prickly animals had somehow gotten trapped in a fishing net on the ocean floor. But rather than swim away leaving his companion behind, the other fish stayed by his side.

It's unclear how long the fish had been stuck there with his friend holding vigil, though he stood little chance of surviving for long in those binds. Fortunately the snorkeler, a volunteer from the marine conservation group Core Sea, had found them in time.

With no other tool handy, the man used a shard of broken glass to carefully cut the pufferfish free. All the while, even in light of the potential threat the snorkeler posed, his companion remained.

Soon enough, what once must have felt like a hopeless predicament came to a happy conclusion for the trapped fish and his friend. After the last bit of tangled netting was removed from the pufferfish's body, the pair swam away into the vastness of the sea, together.

People 2

Anatomists and biologists reveal the top 10 design flaws of the human body

© Len Small
The Greeks were obsessed with the mathematically perfect body. But unfortunately for anyone chasing that ideal, we were designed not by Pygmalion, the mythical sculptor who carved a flawless woman, but by MacGyver. Evolution constructed our bodies with the biological equivalent of duct tape and lumber scraps. And the only way to refine the form (short of an asteroid strike or nuclear detonation to wipe clean the slate) is to jerry-rig the current model. "Evolution doesn't produce perfection," explains Alan Mann, a physical anthropologist at Princeton University. "It produces function."

With that in mind, I surveyed anatomists and biologists to compile a punch list for the human body, just as you'd do before buying a house. Get out your checkbook. This one's a fixer-upper.