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Sun, 02 Oct 2022
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Face mask requirements lifted ahead of new gas mask requirements

Gas Mask
© Waterford Whispers News
AS IRELAND embraced the lifting of mask requirements today while largely ignoring pleas from immunocompromised people to keep wearing them, foreign policy experts have advised the public to 'make the most of it'.

"We hate to be killjoys, but there has been talk of a gas mask requirement which is really completely out of our hands," a spokesperson for NPHET (Nuclear PHallout Emergency Team).

Many have welcomed the lifting of mask requirements as well as other restrictions as it represents a return to normality that will last all of two days if recent escalations by Vladimir Putin are anything to go by.

Smiley

Ukrainian president demands a full refund of the millions in bribes paid to the Bidens

Zelensky satire biden bribes

President Volodymyr Zelensky is upset that Ukraine's investment in the Biden family has gone sour
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has demanded a full refund for the millions of dollars he gave the Bidens after US President* Joe Biden let Russia invade Ukraine today.

"What do you think we actually thought Hunter Biden was a savvy businessman? You think he was worth all the money we paid that jackass?" Zelensky said in an exclusive phone interview with Genesius Times. "We even bought one of his god-awful paintings. You think we actually liked his art? Give me a break!"

Biden responded in a press release, "What do you think this is Amazon dot com? No refunds, sucker. Nada!"

It is estimated that corrupt officials in Ukraine funneled over $115 million to the Bidens since Biden was sworn in as vice president under Barack Obama.

Zelensky said he and his team "are going to make decisions in the coming hours, in the coming days, based on what's in the best interest of them to get that money back," Zelensky added. "Right now, I feel like it was just about the worst investment ever."

Zelensky also threatened to remove all their Biden coins from Ukrainian circulation.

"We should never have issued a Biden coin in the first place," Zelensky said.

Smiley

Taiwan issues official statement: 'Lol. We are so screwed'

Tsai Ing-wen
© Babylon Bee
Taipei City — Having watched as Russian tanks rolled through Ukraine while nobody came rushing to their defense, the Taiwanese government today released an official statement acknowledging that they are "totally screwed".

"I mean, why lie?" said the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-wen. "We were hoping America would use diplomacy and a strong military as a deterrent against aggressors, but once Biden got in office, we realized we were toast."

"The invasion of Ukraine just confirmed for us just how toast we are. Lol. We are totally screwed."

Smiley

Biden warns Russia that if they don't stop he will deploy deadly trans admiral

Biden and Trans Admiral
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Russia poised to tear through Eastern Europe with terrifying military power, Biden warned Putin that if he doesn't stop advancing his army, he will be forced to deploy his deadly trans admiral.

"You think I'm joking, Vlad! I ain't messin' around here! You don't want me to use this!" said Biden to Putin in a Zoom call, motioning to a portrait of transgender admiral and Assistant HHS Secretary Admiral Rachel Levine. "This is the deadliest weapon the United States has ever produced, and I won't hesitate to use it on you! Watch out!"

Smiley

US northern border overwhelmed with refugees trying to escape Canada

canadian crowd canada
© ABC News
ICE agents are overwhelmed as thousands of desperate refugees from Canada have flooded the U.S. northern border to claim asylum. The crowd, now numbering in the tens of thousands, is attempting to escape fierce political oppression by Fidel Castro's tyrant son in Ottawa.

"Hey, come on there buddy, just let us in, eh?" said asylum-seeker Tim Pokadoke. "So sorry to bug ya but Trudeau's killin' us up here, ya know?"

Intelligence experts confirmed that Canadians are facing unprecedented political and religious persecution. They also confirmed early intelligence reports that indicated Trudeau is a "sad, scared little girly man who has to oppress working people to feel like a big boy."

Canadians at the border are hoping their requests for asylum will be granted so they may breathe the sweet, pure air of American freedom.

UPDATE: U.S. officials informed the Canadian refugees that the border was closed and that they would have to sail down to the southern border and cross there like everyone else.

USA

U.S. To Invade Canada To Establish A Democracy

Soldiers
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Meeting in a top-secret, smoke-filled war room, U.S. generals agreed on a plan earlier this week to invade the foreign dictatorship known as "Canada" and establish a democracy there.

"Gentlemen, it's time," said General Butch "Meathead" Tanner of the U.S. Army as he munched a cigar. "We can't let this evil, religious zealot Trudeau oppress his people any longer. It's time to let freedom ring."

Eye 2

Massacre as Great White Shark allowed to compete in women's 500 freestyle

great white shark
Dozens of swimmers are dead and thousands of viewers have been traumatized as a Great White Shark named Tia was allowed to compete in the women's 500-yard freestyle event at the Ivy League Swimming & Diving Championships Friday.

"Wow, this brave swimmer is really making a splash here," said one commentator as the starting buzzer went off and the shark immediately thrashed through the pool, eating swimmers screaming for their lives. "Look at that form! It's like she was biologically designed for this kind of thing."

Tia continued to dominate heat after heating, wowing spectators with her speed, form, poise, and ability to maul anyone in the pool.

"What's your secret?" asked a reporter after the event. She was promptly eaten.

The shark was awarded every medal and placement, as all the other swimmers were dead. The official who gave her the championship trophy was promptly eaten.

Anyone questioning the validity of Tia's win will have their bank account frozen, be banned from Twitter, and put on an FBI watchlist.

Then, they will be promptly eaten.

Attention

An open letter to Justin Trudeau

Justin sneaking past the truckers in a clever disguise.
© Babylon Bee
Justin sneaking past the truckers in a clever disguise.
Dear Justin Trudeau,

How do you do it? It's like you're a psychic gifted with an intuitive capacity far beyond the range of normal people. I would never have known the truckers were racist just by looking at them, but apparently you can spot it from a mile away!

And how did you know that they have "unacceptable views" without ever talking to them? Genius! Is this the result of special training or were you born this way?

I must confess I'm so old-fashioned I still need racists to actually do or say something racist before I know I'm dealing with one. I was singing your praises to Mrs Trevor in Trimley only this morning and she agreed you have special gifts. (Actually she said you have special needs, she gets mixed up sometimes.)

My Great Aunt Mabel had the gift too, but sadly those were different times and she was institutionalised. Perhaps when you die you should leave your brain to 'the science?'

But I know you're a busy man so I shall get to my point. I should tell you that it is Mrs Trevor in Trimley who prompted me to pen you this letter.

She rightly brought to my attention that she has recently sent money (£20 as a birthday gift) to a cousin who emigrated to Canada in 1983, and she is now understandably concerned that Laurence may have gone off the rails since then and joined the ranks of the many hundreds of thousands of Canadians who have become racists, misogynists and terrorists during your premiership.

Between you and me, I always had misgivings about "long haired Larry" and would not be the least bit surprised to see him flying a banner inscribed with provocative white supremacist language on it like, 'freedom!' (Yeah, sure Larry, freedom for whites like you but what about freedom for people who like to black up on social occasions?)

Mrs Trevor in Trimley's concern, of course, is that her largesse may be mistaken for funding terrorism and that her bank account could be frozen, or worse, that she might be kicked out of the Women's Institute if her name emerges on a list of supporters of working-class struggles against the powerful, and all as a result of her being thoughtlessly generous to a person without first checking the acceptability of his current views.

I offer my sincere apologies for my wife's generous nature and would like to make a suggestion that I hope makes up for it.

To help us, and other non-Canadians, avoid making similar missteps in future, may I ask that you put in place a clear system that clarifies the views held by Canadian people we may come into contact with.

Clipboard

Canadian ATMs now asking your political views before allowing you to withdraw money

driveby ATM
© Unknown
Political ATM
CANADA — Under orders from the Supreme Chancellor of the People's Republic of Canada Justin Trudeau, all bank ATMs across the provinces will now require anyone attempting to withdraw money from their accounts to take a small quiz on their political beliefs.

"Let me be perfectly clear," said Trudeau while standing in a puddle of his own urine.
"Those with unacceptable views shouldn't have money. These evil working-class people being allowed to buy things and eat is a threat to public safety and national security. Starting today, all ATMs will screen people for unacceptable views before they can withdraw funds."
Questions asked by the ATM will include:
  • How would you describe your political views?
  • What are your pronouns?
  • Do you think Trudeau is the most powerful and masculine leader ever?
  • Do you, or have you ever, listened to Joe Rogan — and enjoyed it?
  • What lives matter?
  • Do you live on land stolen from indigenous peoples?
  • Do you own a semi-truck?
  • Do you worship any other god besides Trudeau?
According to sources, anti-mandate freedom protestors have already formed their own parallel economy trading in beaver pelts, maple syrup, and Bitcoin.

Smiley

Horse-mounted Canadian police prepare to storm bouncy castle

mounties storm bouncy castle
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have descended upon the Ottawa protests, readying their noble steeds to charge upon the outer walls of an inflatable yellow bouncy castle.

"For weeks now, we have laid siege to the so-called 'Princess Castle', but the rubber walls refuse to yield," said police chief Jacques DuBois. "Our dear Prime Minister lobbed strongly-worded notes inside the castle walls, calling each dastardly dissenter a racist, homophobic bigot. Still nothing! We've sent men on foot, but some kid keeps closing the drawbridge every time they get too close. One officer got inside, only to come out a minute later puking his guts out from all the bouncing. The horror!"

The monstrous, violent protesters reportedly did step outside the castle to invite officers to join them for lunch, but the officers luckily followed their training and covered their ears to ward off hate speech. The Royal officers then mounted their great steeds and came into formation, preparing for a frontal assault on the Princess Castle battlements.