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Thu, 30 Nov 2023
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How Ireland is celebrating the king's coronation

King Psychopath
© Waterford Whispers News
LIKE all other 8 billion inhabitants of planet earth, Ireland is 'Coronation Crazy' and is fit to burst with excitement at the prospect of King Charles donning a crown in front of adoring and loyal public.

And here's all the ways Ireland is celebrating the historic occasion:

- Special masses will be laid on around Ireland, allowing people a place to pray for torrential rain to hit London.

- Getting the calculator out and working out how much good £100mn could do for poor people across Britain if it wasn't been spent on a party for Charles.

- Generally staring in the direction of England incredulously while wondering if they should contact NHS mental health professionals on England's behalf.

- Any horse born in Ireland on Coronation Day must bare the name Camilla


Parents who raised kids on Disney movies about rebelling against parents not sure why kids are rebelling against their parents

parent child little mermaid
Local parents Dave and Stacey Martin, who raised their daughter on Disney movies that glamorized rebelling against parents, are flabbergasted to see their teenage daughter now rebelling against her parents.

"I just don't get it," said Dave Martin to reporters. "Every movie and song she listened to growing up featured positive messages about listening to her heart, and now she won't listen to me! It's so weird!"

Sources say Dave's conflict with his daughter came to a head last night when she defied her father like Moana to sneak out of the house like Ariel, which led to her meeting a strange man just like Pocahontas, only to hang out with the wrong crowd and get gender-confused like Mulan. "What on earth could possibly be influencing her to behave so recklessly?" said Mr. Martin.

At publishing time, the parents had addressed the situation by making their daughter stay home all weekend and do chores like Cinderella.


With Vice News closing, White House will have to lie to public directly

vice news white house spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre
© The Babylon Bee
White House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre-has the sads because her propaganda workload has increased as Vice News folds
Amid news that Vice Media is filing for bankruptcy, there is growing concern at the White House that the Biden administration will now have to begin lying to the American people directly rather than doing so more discreetly through Vice Media.

"We have no choice but to spread false information ourselves," said black gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "With difficult times hitting some of our media allies like Vice and Buzzfeed News, we will be solely responsible for propagating the fake narratives we create here in the White House. It's a tough blow, but we've got to weave our narrative one way or another."

Along with large mainstream news organizations, alternative sources like Vice News had served as valuable misinformation tools for the Biden administration and other Washington power brokers. In Vice's absence, lawmakers must now shift gears and do their own heavy lifting. "It's a big change to our process," Jean-Pierre continued. "I'm certainly not qualified to speak to the public, and we've all seen what happens when the President is put in front of a podium. This is less than ideal."

When reached for a brief comment, President Biden seemed unconcerned. "Vice? Who is that?" Biden said. "Those fellas in Miami? Crockett and Tubbs? They have a nice speedboat. Breedarginharbit!"

At publishing time, the White House public relations department was sent scrambling once again after failing to secure additional writing help due to the onset of the Hollywood writer's strike.


Unemployed guy's basement selfie video crushes Fox News in primetime ratings

Tucker Carlson unemployed
The historic leader in primetime cable ratings Fox News was dominated last night by an unemployed man filming a selfie video in his partially-finished basement.

"This guy chatting for a few minutes in his underwear and a blazer just completely blew Fox News out of the water," said Nielsen executive Roger Millican. "It was a ratings bloodbath."

The unemployed man reportedly posted the basement selfie video on Twitter around 7 p.m., and by 7:02 p.m. had gained more viewers than the entire Fox News primetime lineup. "We got demolished," said a Fox News producer, on condition of anonymity. "Our viewers abandoned us in droves to watch a video labeled 'Good evening', which was just this dude jawing in his basement. We're in trouble."

Panic quickly spread among the top brass at Fox News, as executive producers brainstormed how to win back viewers. "More gold coin ads? No, we already tried that. Think, Bob, think!" said Fox News VP Bob Randall. "Is it physically possible to add any more 'Breaking News' graphics? No? How about making the necklines lower on all the female anchors' dresses? This is hard!!"

At publishing time, the unemployed man had reportedly crushed Fox News primetime ratings once again, this time with a video of himself silently making a ham sandwich.


Fox News fires the only reason people watch Fox News

tuckr carlson laugh
© Reuters
Tucker Cartolon
After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.

"Yes, we realize he delivered the most successful cable news program of all time, but we felt embarrassed by him at our Manhattan cocktail parties," said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. "When we tried to get invited to fancy, sophisticated gatherings, people said: 'Ewwww, aren't you the Tucker Carlson people?' and that made us feel sad. Curse you, Tucker, for making us feel sad!"

When reached for a reaction, Tucker simply stared dumbfoundedly at our reporter for several minutes.

Industry experts believe there are other factors that contributed to the alleged firing, including the fact that the company is too broke to pay him after settling a lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems.

Progressives are reportedly overjoyed by the move, although many are saying Fox didn't go far enough by not killing Carlson in addition to firing him. "You mean he's still alive?" said Congresswoman AOC. "Tucker being alive is fascism!"

At publishing time, producers were seen looking through files for another hot blonde to replace him with.


Biden warning: Raise debt ceiling or we might default on our obligations to Ukraine

biden satire debt ceiling

"We can't let my good buddy Zelensky down!"
As a showdown looms over increasing the debt ceiling once again, President Biden warned that partisan bickering over the issue could lead the U.S. to default on its obligations to Ukraine.

"Listen, folks, it's real simple," said Biden to reporters. "We have a sacred duty to send billions to Ukraine to keep the war going. And don't forget our obligations to PBS, the 87,000 IRS agents we're hiring, and free transgender surgeries for at-risk indigenous youth. That takes money. Gotta raise the ceiling-not a joke!"

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy however, disagrees. "We will raise the debt ceiling in exchange for some symbolic spending cuts that make us look fiscally responsible," he said. "Until we get those mild cuts, which will delay the financial and economic collapse of the United States by a full 3-and-a-half seconds, we will not agree to raise the debt ceiling.

"We draw the line here."

At publishing time, the Republicans had caved and decided to raise the debt limit with no spending cuts.


Bud Light smooths things over with new ad featuring drag queen waving American flag

budweiser bud light drag queen flag satire
© The Babylon Bee
After suffering significant public relations and financial backlash after making trans activist and TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney a spokesperson, parent company Anheuser-Busch is confident their new Bud Light commercial featuring a drag queen waving American flags will fix everything.

"We've definitely learned our lesson!" said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth in a statement released along with the new ad. "We heard the public outcry and we've obviously seen the impact of our mistake on our bottom line and our stock price. That's why we've created this new ad returning to our strong, patriotic roots. Who isn't inspired by a drag queen waving the good ol' red, white, and blue?"

The beverage giant's marketing department was sent back to the drawing board to perform damage control on the Mulvaney situation, settling on an emotionally stirring commercial depicting a flamboyantly dressed, flag-waving drag queen riding a star-spangled chariot pulled by the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales. "This really captures what we envision as today's America," said marketing team member Greg Burke. "Unabashed patriotism and fabulous trans imagery combined into one ad! There's no way anyone will be offended by this one!"

Executives expressed confidence that this new commercial will reverse all the damage caused by the Mulvaney gaffe since blue-collar consumers in middle America all still love grown men dressed as women.

At publishing time, the marketing team was already planning future ads featuring appearances by RuPaul and Caitlyn Jenner, as well as a salute to Admiral Rachel Levine.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.


Parents just relieved teen who came home drunk wasn't drinking Bud Light

concerned parents drunk child satire
© The Babylon Bee
Local parents Tim and Julia Yoder were understandably upset when their 17-year-old daughter Carlie came home drunk last weekend. However, their anger quickly turned to relief upon learning that Carlie had not, in fact, been consuming Bud Light.

"I mean, we were certainly disappointed that she was drinking while underage," her father Tim noted. "But at the same time, we're glad that she was responsible enough to choose a less-woke brand of alcohol."

Carlie's mother Julia said they tried hard to raise their daughter right and instill her with strong values. "I'm not proud of this, but both Carlie's father and I experimented with Bud Light when we were younger," Julia said. "I'm very proud that we raised our daughter to make better life choices and avoid some of the mistakes we made in the past."

For her part, Carlie said the temptation to drink woke beer was definitely there. "Some of the kids had Bud Light at the party. Someone even brought some of those commemorative Dylan Mulvaney cans," she said. "But I knew deep down that was wrong, so I just pounded a 12-pack of Yuengling and called it a night."

At publishing time, the Yoders announced they would be surprising young Carlie with a new car as a gift for her responsible behavior. "We really couldn't be more proud of her," his mother said. "She's a really good kid."

Comment: The nightmare is real:
bud light light satire lbgt


Drunk Irishmen say they understood Biden's Dublin speech perfectly

biden ireland pub
© Getty
Biden hits the pub with the boys.
Despite claims from conservative media pundits that President Joe Biden's tour of Ireland was a disaster due to several verbal gaffes and nonsensical statements, a group of intoxicated Irishmen released a statement saying they were able to understand every word of what Biden said.

"That Biden fella sure can spin a good yarn, don't ya know?" said Seamus O'Reardon after finishing his seventh pint of Guinness before lunch. "I know he catches a lot of flack for not bein' able t'speak clearly and all, but I've never heard such perfect pronunciation of our old traditional Connacht Irish dialect. T'was just the way me dear old mother would speak when she was three sheets t' the wind every marnin'!"

Critics of the Biden administration were calling the trip an embarrassment after the President had confused New Zealand's "All Blacks" rugby team with the "Black and Tans," a brutal British police force deployed against Irish rebels in the 1920s. This was followed by Biden saying he was never going to leave Ireland, a pledge millions of American citizens wished would be true. All speeches given in Ireland by Biden, though thoroughly unintelligible to English speakers, were clearly heard by O'Reardon and his fellow drunk Irishmen.

"Gifted orator, the man is," said Paddy Devitt. "Understood every word of it, I did. He told a beautiful story of his childhood in Ireland, with his good friend Corned Beef Pop."

At publishing time, while on his way back to the United States, Biden was overheard asking aides aboard Air Force One why he hadn't met any leprechauns trying to hide bowls of Lucky Charms from children as he expected.


Democrats throw biggest-ever fundraiser for Trump campaign

trump supporters arrest manhatten
© Angela Weiss/AFP via Getty Images
Supporters of former President Donald Trump outside the Manhattan District Attorney's office in New York City.
Donald Trump's campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.

Sources say that as Trump arrived at a New York courthouse for the fundraiser this morning, his campaign raised millions from energized citizens eager to support the only presidential candidate indicted by a Soros-funded DA.

"At this point, if someone hasn't been indicted by a corrupt Soros DA, can you even trust that person?" said local Trump voter Bubba Gruggs, while clicking the "donate" button on the latest email from the Trump campaign.

Experts say that the Trump indictment will firm up his base of supporters who believe the country is run by corrupt, out-of-touch bureaucrats who also happen to be Satanic pedophiles and alienate him with kooky conspiracy theorists who think that America's leaders can be trusted.

At publishing time, it had been revealed that half the donations to the Trump campaign came from Democrat activists who are desperately hoping he runs again.