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Tue, 04 Oct 2022
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Obama Receives Nobel Prize In Medicine For Getting COVID

Barack Obama
The Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that they will be awarding former President Obama the Nobel Prize in medicine for bravely contracting the deadly virus known as COVID-19.
"Many people around the world have contracted COVID, but none have done it with such grace, class, and dignity as Barack Obama," said Nobel Laureate Johan Lindströmolofsson. "This blessed child of light, this son of hope, has taken COVID upon himself for all mankind. Thank you Obama. You deserve this prize. We love you." Lindströmolofsson then fell to the ground and wept.
Obama's team of 38 dedicated physicians says he is only experiencing mild symptoms and will be fully recovered soon.


Nation wishes there were some way they could have known about the Hunter Biden laptop story before the election

huner biden coverup election
New York Times has confirmed the authenticity of Hunter Biden's laptop story, leaving many Americans wishing there was some way they could have known about this before the 2020 election.

"If only there was some kind of system in America designed to expose crimes and corruption and put it on, like, a TV or something," said Bob Billybale, local American. "Then we could make informed decisions about who we vote for. Someone should invent something like that."

In confirming the authenticity of the laptop, the New York Times confirmed Hunter Biden's engagement in underage sex trafficking, abuse, felony drug use, corrupt multi-million dollar deals with foreign governments to enrich himself and his Dad Joe Biden, money laundering for the President, and really bad teeth. Yikes!

"Wow, this Biden guy seems like bad news," said Billybale. "I probably shouldn't have voted for him like the people on the TV told me to. Are we sure those people on the TV know what they're doin'?"

Sources say many Americans hope to vote for someone else in the next election, as long as they can afford gas to get to the polls.


Restaurants now requiring proof of Ukraine support

ukraine support
As the war between Russia and Ukraine rages on, restaurants across the country are now requiring proof of Ukraine support in order to eat in their restaurants. Patrons are being asked to produce a photo ID and open up their social media profiles to prove they have been adequately supporting Ukraine by posting flags and sharing the latest wartime propaganda.

"We need to support Ukraine as it is the latest thing we are supposed to support," said the manager of one NYC cafe. "If you aren't adequately supporting the thing that everyone says we are supposed to be supporting at this time, you don't deserve to eat in my store!"

When asked about whether he would still require vaccine cards due to the pandemic, he stared blankly and said: "The what? I'm not sure what you're talking about."

Patrons who don't have adequate evidence of Ukraine support will then have to show adequate evidence of Russia hatred before entering.


Gavin Newsom thankful as fleeing Californians can no longer afford to fill up their U-Hauls

gavin newsom u haul california exodus
© The Babylon Bee
With Californians desperately fleeing the state in search of the American dream, Governor Gavin Newsom is grateful that record-high gas prices have made it nearly impossible to put enough gas in a U-Haul to get out of California.

"Whew! For a minute there, I thought we'd lose everyone!" said Newsom to reporters. "Good luck escaping California now with these gas prices! HAHAHA!"

According to sources, it currently costs $7,827.00 to fill the gas tank of a U-Haul in California. With residents already struggling to survive, many are being forced to put their escape plans on hold. Still, others are undeterred, electing instead to form a migrant caravan to leave the oppressive state on foot.

"We will keep walking until we find freedom in another state," said Juan Vasquez as he and his family trudged down a desert road carrying possessions on their backs. "Gas prices won't stop us! FREEEDDOOOMM!"

As California continues to lose residents, Newsom has called for an additional tax on trudging down desert roads while carrying possessions on your back to prevent further escapes.
Babylon Bee subscriber The Amazing Criswell contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


Patriot! Hillary vows to stop importing dossiers from Russia

hillary clinton

Hillary Clinton
Beloved feminist icon and 2024 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has announced she will be joining efforts to halt Russian aggression. Starting this week, she has promised to stop importing dossiers from Russia.

"For a long time, I have relied on Russian intelligence as a prime source for phony dirt on my political appointments," said Clinton as she adjusted the scope on her high-powered sniper rifle. "Starting today, I will refuse to import my disinformation or even my hitmen from Russian sources — that is, unless it's absolutely necessary."

Sources in Russia say this will cost the Russian economy over 3,000 jobs, which were previously filled with people working full-time writing phony dossiers for Hillary Clinton. In a statement, President Putin said he was sad to see his close, longtime relationship with Clinton going south. "I thought that big red reset button meant something to you!" he said.

For the time being, the Clintons have committed to buying their disinformation only from domestic sources like The Washington Post.

Bill Clinton also joined the fight, promising to stop importing underage women from Russia.

Comment: Bonus Bee!
In this new commercial from the U.S. Army, everyone's favorite branch of the military promotes their new, more diverse, more inclusive standards. From gender reveal grenades to more affirming drill sergeants, the Army is leading the way in inclusion!

Oil Well

Biden sells Alaska back to Russia so we can start drilling for oil there again

Alaska Sold
© Babylon Bee
Anchorage, AK — The deliberate and premeditated invasion of Ukraine by brutal dictator Vladimir Putin has forced the US to reassess the importance of energy independence. With this new resolve, the Biden Administration has taken its first step toward increasing oil production for Americans by selling Alaska back to Russia so we can start drilling for oil there again.

"Folks, nobody wants to ruin America's beautiful Alaskan wilderness with oil trucks and drilling rigs, come on!" said President Biden in response to questions he thought were coming from a house plant in the West Wing. "But I've never had a problem getting oil from Russia, so there you go, go get him."


Spike in myocarditis may be linked to Ukraine crisis says MSM

Myocarditis Spike
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — Thousands of people across the US have been diagnosed with some form of myocarditis, a potentially deadly but rare inflammation of the heart muscle. Media reports say the dramatic spike in cases may be linked to the Ukraine crisis.

"Correlation does not equal causation," said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "But this time it may. The nation is currently reeling from an uptick in myocarditis cases as Russia invades Ukraine. Honestly, we really can't think of anything else in the world that could possibly be causing this."

According to sources, Cooper had invited Dr. Fauci on the program but couldn't get a hold of him because he'd also been diagnosed with myocarditis.


To protest Russia, Ivan Drago blurred out of Rocky IV

satire ivan drago rocky iv movie
© The Babylon Bee
Bye, bye you Ruskie!
Sony Pictures Studios has added its voice to those of corporations all around the world protesting Russia's incursion into Ukraine. Studio execs announced this week that for all digital streaming and physical copies of Rocky IV, they will blur out all depictions of the character Captian Ivan Drago, a boxing champion from Soviet Russia.

"We stand with Ukraine here at Sony," said VP Stacy Green. "We understand that depictions of the villainous Russian Drago may be seen as insensitive to many viewers during these difficult times. While we will not cut any scenes from the beloved film, all scenes featuring the Russian character will be pixelated."

Execs also confirmed that all instances of the word "Russia" will be dubbed with less upsetting words, "rubber ducky," "rascal," and "f--- Putin."

Other studios are already following Sony's lead, removing depictions of Russians from movies like Rambo and Red Dawn. Hollywood hopes their collective efforts will help counteract the millions the Biden Administration is spending on Russian oil.

At the time of publication, it is still unclear whether any of this is helping.


Patriotism! Apple Maps erases Russia

apple maps russia satire
© The Babylon Bee
In an unprecedented effort to put additional pressure on Russia, Apple Inc. has announced they will be removing the entire country from Apple maps.

"As far as we're concerned, Russia no longer exists on our detailed map of the entire world," said CEO Tim Cook from his vacation home in Beijing. "And if Apple Inc. says you don't exist, then you don't exist! Russia is now the East Atlantic Ocean. Take that, Russia!"

Other tech companies are following suit, with Facebook and Twitter also blocking access in Russia. DoorDash and Uber Eats are still active, but will only allow for the delivery of Burger King. Even Roblox has restricted access to their online world to anyone with a Russian-sounding last name.

Any travelers using Apple maps in Russia will be told to drive in a straight line through the East Atlantic Ocean until they reach Asia or a NATO country while the voice navigator relentlessly insults Vladimir Putin.

Cook has promised to restore the country of Russia to Apple maps once Putin ceases his aggression, or when WEF Chairman Klaus Schwab gives him permission to — whichever comes first.


D.C. hospitals overrun with injured geriatrics who stood up, sat down too much at SOTU speech

schumer injured sotu satire
© The Babylon Bee
Chuck Schumer enters rehab
Following the State of the Union address in the Capitol building, D.C. area hospitals were promptly overrun by hundreds of geriatrics whose knees buckled under the pressure of constant standing ovations.

Dr. Drake Rodriguez, a veteran of George Washington University Hospital, had never seen anything like it. Hundreds of elderly men and women poured into his ER last night with broken hips and knees. Many screamed in agony. Others could only move their eyes back and forth, faces frozen by a mask of artificial beauty.

According to sources, the hospital staff was immediately overwhelmed thanks to a combination of the sudden influx of patients and the fact over half of their staff had been let go for not getting vaccinated against COVID-19.

And then Dr. Rodriguez realized what day it was. "Mother of God... it's the State of the Union!"

"Up again, down again, up again, down...." moaned one patient, later identified as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "I can't keep track of it all."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters this morning, "The constant standing and sitting is punishing on our bodies. I was only able to survive by sometimes refusing to sit down. It was easier to wait for the next applause."

"But I would do it again!" she threatened.

Doctors allegedly told Pelosi that at her age there was no shame in sitting down for the whole speech. They explained that the president isn't a king and you don't have to stand on ceremony after every sentence. Pelosi did not seem to understand anything they were saying.

Notably absent from the hospital was Sen Mitch McConnell. "It helps if you don't have anything to applaud," he said, looking kind of sad.

Comment: Twitter is concerned: