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Sat, 25 Sep 2021
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CDC now recommends wearing a seat belt even when you're outside the car

seat belt
The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

"This guidance is especially important if you're in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event," said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. "Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!"

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that's not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying "SHUT UP IT'S SCIENCE!"

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Biden wore mask during zoom call in case COVID had mutated into a computer virus

Zoom Conference
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was seen wearing a mask in a climate summit with world leaders, despite his being vaccinated and despite the conference being virtual and held over Zoom. This has made some wonder if Biden even understands how a virus works, but Biden says he's just being cautious.

"We can't let our guard down just because we're vaccinated and alone in a room," Biden told reporters with a megaphone while standing twenty feet away. "See, there is this little thing called a 'computer virus.' Ha, I bet you thought I was some out-of-touch boomer who doesn't know about computers. Well, for one thing, I'm too old to be a boomer -- I'm the generation before that -- and I've used typewriters since I was a kid -- which is a lot like a computer before you attach the TV. So I know all about computers, and they get viruses. Maybe COVID. Who knows? Better to wear a mask around them."

Smiley

LA homeless man feels unsafe as limos full of drug addicts and perverts show up in his neighborhood

homeless man hollywood
© The Babylon Bee
Hobo Hank is a friendly guy by all accounts, whether he's asking for change outside the 7-Eleven or debating philosophy with a parking meter. But Hank says his corner outside the Oscars is really starting to go downhill, as a bunch of shady drug addicts and alcoholics showed up this afternoon and apparently plan to be there all evening.

"This neighborhood is really going downhill," Hank said as another limousine arrived packed with people of the lowest moral caliber. "I was just minding my own business hanging out with Stabbin' Steve and Murderin' Carl, and the next thing you know, all these shifty-looking people start showing up in town. What is the world coming to when you can't shoot up a little heroin in peace?"

"I'm even starting to worry my cardboard box is really going to lose its value."

Hank's cardboard box is valued at $1.5 million according to Zillow, but he says that value will drop fast if these drug addicts and sexually immoral people don't leave town soon.

"This place ain't what it used to be, I tell you what," he told his pigeon.

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Chicago Police now required to ask for criminals' consent before arresting them

lori lightfoot chicago mayor

Chicago's Mayor Lori Lightfoot
Mayor Lori Lightfoot has announced new rules for the Chicago Police Department, declaring that officers must ask for a suspect's consent before arresting him or her.

While the city had previously announced that police officers would have to ask for permission from headquarters before chasing criminals, Lightfoot said that initiative didn't go far enough to address inequality in police work. Permission, she says, really should be sought from the criminal rather than the police station when putting anyone in custody.

"Before our officers arrest any criminal, they will have to ask the criminal's permission," said Lightfoot. "To do otherwise would be to violate the criminal's rights as he beats someone up, shoots another human, or burgles homes and business."

"This is community policing at its finest, where the criminal is always right."

Police will have to get a permission slip signed by the criminal, ask them about their feelings, and inform them that they have the right to leave at any time for any reason at all. Should the criminal decide they would like to continue committing crimes instead of being arrested, the police officer will be forced to apologize and pay reparations for offending the victim.

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BLM founder reminds everyone justice won't fully be served until she can buy a 5th house

blm leader new house
After Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three counts, the crowds outside the courthouse breathed a sigh of relief and began to celebrate.

"Wait! Not so fast!" said BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors to the crowds. "We have more work to do! We haven't really achieved justice! We must not stop until I can afford to buy a 5th house! Er-- I mean, until we dismantle all the systems or whatever!"

"Chant with me now! No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace!"

Smiley

Dungeons & Dragons players rejoice! New 100-Sided die issued for determining your character's gender

dungeons and dragons die character gender
© The Babylon Bee
In a bold move for inclusivity, Wizards of the Coast announced today that all copies of the Dungeons & Dragons starter set will include a special D100 for determining your character's gender.

"Not sure if your Half-Orc Paladin is a demiboy or agender? Just roll this handy new die," said a WOTC rep. "It makes character creation fast, fun, and streamlined. And don't worry -- if you don't like your gender, just roll it again, no questions asked. In fact, you can do that at any point during the game without even consulting your DM. Change at any time."

"See, when you're playing a game that was designed for players to go raid dungeons, get loot, and kill dragons, the important thing is that you spend 14 hours trying to determine your character's sexuality, gender, sex, and political positions," he continued. "That's what made this hobby so popular: screeching leftists on Tumblr, and we have to cater to these hardcore fans."

A revised copy of the Player Handbook contains rules for using the die. All players must select one of the hundred genders upon creating their character. "Men" and "women" are, of course, not included out of sensitivity to non-binary folk. Any PC that refers to another PC as the wrong gender will instantly be killed by a falling meteor. Then, the player controlling that character is subject to cancelation in the real world.

Wizards also confirmed that the sixth edition of Dungeons & Dragons will include a D1000 for selecting your character's pronouns.

NPC

CNN introduces segment where they rant about what Trump would have tweeted if he hadn't gotten kicked off of Twitter

trump tweet cnn
CNN's Brian Stelter has introduced a brand new segment of his show where he will discuss all the horrible things Trump would have tweeted if he hadn't been kicked off of Twitter.

"As Americans, it's important for us to remember just how bad, how mean, how divorced from the facts, how, how, how much of a stinky poopoo head Mr. Trump really was," said Stelter. "We hope this new segment covering Trump's hypothetical tweets will help viewers remember how we literally saved democracy by electing Biden in a completely fair, not rigged election."

Some of the hypothetical Trump tweets discussed on the first show will include gems like:
  • "The very sad loser 'president' Biden says he cured the virus. But that was all me! Very low ratings! Pathetic!"
  • "Many fine people including our African Americans and the LATINO community have received the vaccine. YOUR WELCOME! ENJOY!"
  • "The whole world is laughing at us thanks to Sleepy Joe and Cacklin' Kamala. Why does that woman laugh at everything? Unstable? Maybe, and MANY are saying that! Including China!!!!"
  • "Biden and the looney liberals are a total disgrace. GET SMART AMERICA!"
  • "Failing CNN and all the other 'FAKE NEWS' could use a lesson or maybe several lessons from OAN. They are very kind to me. Real journalism!"
  • "Biden doesn't seem to care about all the illegals like he said? Too bad!!! Should have listened to the experts, Joe! (me)"

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College student aces final exam by just answering 'racism!' to every question

students take exam test

Students crack the code
According to sources, an English major Charlie Miller was able to ace her final exam by simply writing in the word "racism!" for every answer.

"Yeah, I completely forgot to study last night so I figured I would try it," she said. "90% of my lectures this year were just hour-long sessions of my professor saying 'racism' over and over again in different inflections, so I figured my chances were pretty good if I made that the answer to all the test questions."

The Skidmore College English professor who delivered the passing grade explained her rationale. "Charlie's test answers weren't technically correct, but they spoke to a deeper truth: everything is racist. At Skidmore College, creating leftist radicals who can find racism everywhere and help us burn down Western Civilization is much more important than educating people. For that reason, we decided to give her a passing grade!"

Local sources say Skidmore College is facing an influx of racist behavior, such as students being openly conservative and voting for Republicans or Libertarians.

"The rise in white supremacist activity at our school is really frightening," said the professor. "One girl named Hannah Davis actually tried to start a conservative student organization on campus. I'm literally shaking right now just thinking about it."

In addition to accepting "racist!" as the answer to every question on every test, the professor said she will offer extra credit for sending threatening letters or doxxing conservatives.

"We have to do this so our students will feel safe," she said.
NOT SATIRE: Young Americans for Liberty is fighting back against cancel culture!

YAL is the largest and most effective pro-liberty student organization in the country. You can help students like Hannah Davis DEFEAT cancel culture by sponsoring YAL student activists. Cancel culture emerged from college campuses and that's where YAL is fighting back. Your support helps Young Americans for Liberty fight for free speech, defeat cancel culture, and support pro-liberty students.

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Smiley

Minneapolis business owner prudently ups her peaceful protest insurance

woman working notebook business
© The Babylon Bee
In preparation for the results of the Derek Chauvin trial, local business owner Candace Farnsworth has increased her peaceful protest insurance coverage.

"I've been doing business in the city for 32 years," she said to reporters. "I fully support BLM and their wonderful peaceful protests," she said while raising one fist.

"However, if the protests get so peaceful that my shop gets peacefully looted by brave liberators of my entire stock, or gets peacefully burned to the ground by the flames of peaceful justice, I need to be prepared."

Farnsworth said she would be using her stimulus check and PPP loan to pay for the increased insurance premiums until the peaceful peacefulness finally subsides. Her insurance company will require her to hang a "Black Lives Matter" sign outside her business for the entirety of the peaceful protests to protect against any encroaching peacefulness.

According to sources, she soon thought twice about it and decided to just move to Florida instead.

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Russians say LMAO after Salisbury poisoning suspects linked to explosion at Czech ammo depot: 'Did they shake Biden's stairs too?'

russian cartoon petrov boshirov salibury poison novichok
© Twitter / @AlexanderKhlob3; Reuters / Met Police
“Petrov and Boshirov stealing the secret of brewing dark alcohol-free Czech beer,” says this tweet showing a still from a Soviet animation, "Adventures of Captain Wrongel". (insets) (L) Alexander Petrov, (R) Ruslan Boshirov
A wave of ridicule was unleashed on Russian social media after the Czech police identified two suspects, who appeared to be related to a 2014 blast. They are the same people the UK accused of the high-profile Skripal poisoning.

A diplomatic scandal rocked Russian-Czech relations this weekend just before a scheduled visit to Moscow by Czech Foreign Minister Jan Hamacek. Prague expelled 18 Russian diplomats and accused Moscow of sending intelligence agents to blow up a munitions depot a few years ago.

The news would have been received with much less amusement in Russia, were it not for the alleged identity of the suspected saboteurs. While the Czech police did not directly mention the 2014 explosion, they named the region where it took place - and pointed the finger at the same people, who already stand accused by Britain of going after Russian double agent Sergei Skripal, who was poisoned in Salisbury in 2018. Best known as Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov, they are said to be agents of the Russian military intelligence agency, the GRU.