Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S

Magic Wand

Uri Geller TV show spooks Israeli magicians

TEL AVIV -- A war between magicians is raging in Israel, pitting Uri Geller and his aura of supernatural powers against those who see in him nothing but an unending lust for fame.

Geller, the world-famous Israeli spoon-bender, decided last year to do a television program in Israel in order to name an heir.

"Uri Geller Looks for a Successor" was an instant hit - with viewer ratings of nearly 40 percent. More than 1 million people tune in to see conjurers compete by performing stunts ranging from stopping watches to reading minds.

Bizarro Earth

Woman exudes gems from her toes - bizzare condition baffles even doctors

©Nashairi Mohd Nawi.
The stones (at left) produced by Siti's toe.

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Dummy Beckhams welcomed into US

Wax doubles of David and Victoria Beckham have been unveiled at the New York branch of Madame Tussauds ahead of the couple's impending move to the US.

The figures, draped in the stars and stripes, were placed next to a waxwork of George W Bush holding a sign saying "Welcome to America".

David has signed a five-year, £128m contract with LA Galaxy football team.

Victoria has already been seen on the celebrity circuit, partying with the stars after the Golden Globe Awards.

David's move has caused a flurry of excitement, with the footballer being described as a "celebrity supernova" and the biggest British invasion "since the Beatles" by the press.

The waxwork couple stand arm in arm, with David dressed in a black tuxedo and Victoria wearing a pale green sparkling evening gown.

Visitors are encouraged to embrace and kiss the figures as well as take photos.

Comment: The reason we included this spurious article in today's news is in order to highlight the following sentence:
"Visitors are encouraged to embrace and kiss the figures as well as take photos"
which we feel is a perfect example of the incredibly vacuous nature of modern culture.

"Kiss and embrace the plastic celebrities! Maybe you'll be famous too!"

If you hear a long drawn out wail in the next few moments, don't be alarmed, that'll be us plummeting towards the bottom of the cliff over which we are about to throw ourselves.

Bizarro Earth

Pet shop owner creates beer for dogs

After a long day hunting, there's nothing like wrapping your paw around a cold bottle of beer. So Terrie Berenden, a pet shop owner in the southern Dutch town of Zelhem, created a beer for her Weimaraners made from beef extract and malt.

"Once a year we go to Austria to hunt with our dogs, and at the end of the day we sit on the verandah and drink a beer. So we thought, my dog also has earned it," she said.

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US man survives 17-storey tumble

An American man has survived after falling 17 floors from the window of a hotel in the US city of Minneapolis.

Joshua Hanson, 29, landed on a roof awning and suffered multiple broken bones with some internal injuries, but is expected to recover.

Mr Hanson crashed through the floor-to-ceiling window at the end of a corridor after returning to the Hyatt Regency after a night of drinking.

Hotel managers said they would investigate the unprecedented incident.


Researcher hopes discovery lays Mona Lisa mystery to rest

ROME -- The world's most famously enigmatic woman may have shed some of her mystery.

An amateur Italian historian said yesterday he has found the final resting place of the woman some believe inspired Leonardo da Vinci's most renowned painting, the "Mona Lisa."

A death certificate shows Lisa Gherardini -- the Renaissance woman some believe was the model for the "Mona Lisa" -- died July 15, 1542, in Florence and is buried in a convent in central Florence, Giuseppe Pallanti said.

Magic Wand

First Twin Jenna Seeks Publishing Contract - Hasn't Written Anything

Amazing what an ignorant know-nothing can do when her daddy is president/dictator.


Mystery visitor makes 58th visit to Edgar Allan Poe's grave

A mystery man made the 58th consecutive visit to Edgar Allan Poe's grave in Baltimore this morning and was watched by the largest group of onlookers ever, the event's most faithful viewer said.

Jeff Jerome, curator of the Poe House and Museum, said 55 people braved a chilly morning to catch a glimpse of the annual visit of a man known as the Poe toaster to the writer's grave.

As he has done previously to mark Poe's birthday, the visitor arrived to place his half-empty bottle of cognac and three red roses at the grave, Jerome said.

Bizarro Earth

Ohio city may rename 'South Park'

MARYSVILLE, Ohio - You don't find fans of Cartman and Kenny on the Parks and Recreation Commission in the central Ohio city of Marysville. The panel has decided it's time to rename a local park that has come to be known as "South Park."

Magic Wand

Forget your Day-Job. Become a Psychic!

There seems to be an overwhelming number of "gifted" individuals on this planet. Just look at the classifieds in the newspaper or the advertising section in the back of virtually any women's magazine. And for anywhere between $3 and $6 a minute, you can gain telephone access to them or their "team".

But if you want to make some real money, you need to have some real psychic skills and you need to be able to demonstrate them under specific conditions. There must be real psychics out there that know next Monday's Lotto numbers, or know which three horses will win the Trifecta down at the track. That should be a pretty simple task for anyone who can "see" into the future. It's strange that you never hear about them.
Clearly such a challenge was created by an idiot who is incapable of understanding the laws of physics. Psychic's predictions are not repeatable and are unpredictable predictions, otherwise they would have been already described by equations. They are like events with probability 0 - they happen all the time, but we realize it only after they have happened.