Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen (Satire)

WASHINGTON, DC - At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen.


Ruh Roh - Scientists unearth Superman's "kryptonite"

LONDON - Kryptonite, which robbed Superman of his powers, is no longer the stuff of comic books and films.

Comment: Hmmmm - so much for my plan for saving the world - seems not even Superman can save us now - kryptonite actually exists, and you know the Pathocrats will stock up on it.

It's a bit too symbolic for comfort...


DNA Left on Cinnamon Bun Nabs Car Thief

EASTPOINTE, Mich. - Norman O. Wheeler probably wishes he had finished that cinnamon bun. DNA evidence from the partly eaten pastry led to Wheeler's arrest in a 2004 car theft.


Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants

MELBOURNE, Fla. -- A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It's not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.

Light Saber

Chinese pirates beat Spider-Man to the punch

BEIJING - China's infamous movie pirates have done it again -- "Spider-Man 3" is already being sold on Beijing's streets almost two weeks ahead of its U.S. premier.

Costing just over $1 apiece, the pirated DVDs appear to be of the actual movie, complete with a picture of the hero in a new, black spider suit which he wears for some of the film.

Red Flag

She stole my lap dance money!

CLYMAN, Wis. Oops! A man uses his cell phone to call 911 after paying the wrong woman for a lap dance.

Comment: What's more ridiculous that the man called 911 or that police are trying to locate the woman?


Man lives to 100, wins bet

A man who bet £100 a decade ago that he would live to be 100 is preparing to pick up his £25,000 winnings.

So confident was bookmaker William Hill in 1997 that it gladly offered Alec Holden odds of 250/1.

But the retired engineer, born April 24, 1907, celebrates his century - to the bookies' dismay.


Richard Branson edited out of Bond movie

British Airways reportedly airbrushed arch-rival Richard Branson out of its in-flight version of Casino Royale.

The Virgin Atlantic chief is briefly featured in the 007 film at an airport security scanner, but - in the edited version - can only be seen from the back.

Shots of the tail fin of a Virgin plane have also been obscured, sources said.

A spokesman for BA said only that it "previews films before they are screened on our aircraft and regularly edits films" on the grounds of taste and suitability.


Private investigators hired in half of all divorce cases in Britain

Private investigators were hired during half the divorce proceedings in Britain last year as wives or husbands tried to establish whether the spouse was having an affair, a survey of leading law firms revealed today.

It found 49% of divorces in Britain last year came after one partner asked an investigator to check whether the other was committing adultery. This compared with only 18% in 2005.

The survey by Grant Thornton, a financial and business advice group, gathered information from 100 leading matrimonial lawyers. They said more people were citing a partner's extramarital affairs as the primary reason for the breakdown of the marriage, and fewer were complaining of emotional or physical abuse.


Wild Africa romance awaits endangered China tiger

SHANGHAI - A South China tiger, one of fewer than 100 in existence, took off from a Shanghai airport on Monday for a romantic mission to Africa that might help save the species.

The four-year-old male, known only by his breeding registry number "327", is to be paired with a young female of the same species in a South African reserve.