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FBI to host annual Jan 6 reunion


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 04 Jan 2023 01:50 UTC
FBI undercover Jan 6

Undercover stylin'
Special agents involved in last year's 'January 6th Insurrection Against Democracy™' are set to reunite as guests of honor at an extravagant gala hosted by the FBI. The event will reportedly feature live music and entertainment, with comedian James Corden acting as master of ceremonies.

Numerous celebrities and public figures are expected to be in attendance, including former FBI Director James Comey. "I'm really excited to be relevant again," he said, excitedly rubbing his hands together.

According to sources, several private citizens have questioned why taxpayer money is being used to throw a lavish party for government officials. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki addressed these concerns during her daily press briefing.

"Well, first I would say, that President Biden is committed to the Build Back Better™ bill," Psaki reasoned. "Therefore, he cares for the American people and, as such, cares deeply about how their money is utilized. So, obviously, it's fine."

Psaki went on to applaud the FBI for all their hard work that cannot be disclosed.

The event will not be open to the public.
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Smiley

Finally, a good law! Kyrgyzstan bans performers from lip-synching at state, public events


RFE/RL
Tue, 03 Jan 2023 16:19 UTC
Kyrgyzstan musicians
© File
A new decree has banned lip-synching by performers at theaters, cinema halls, museums, clubs, libraries, and sports venues in Kyrgyzstan.
Kyrgyz Culture Minister Altynbek Maksutov has signed a decree banning entertainers from lip-synching songs at state and public events. The document bans lip-synching by performers at theaters, cinema halls, museums, clubs, libraries, and sports venues. According to the January 3 decree, a violation will lead to unspecified punishments of the performers, organizers, and hosts of the events. In 2021, Kyrgyz authorities forced entertainers to indicate on their promotional materials if they planned to use lip-synching at their performances.

To read the original story by RFE/RL's Kyrgyz Service, click here.

Comment: The world should follow suit, preventing travesties from being perpetrated on audiences everywhere:
Milli Vanilli
© Bernd Muller/Redferns/Getty Images
Milli Vanilli


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Smiley

Trump thanks Dems for releasing the best, most beautiful tax returns ever


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 31 Dec 2022 15:27 UTC
trump smile
The House Ways and Means Committee today released Trump's tax documentation to the public, prompting the former president to thank the Democrats for releasing the best, most beautiful tax returns ever.

"These have been the best tax returns in the history of tax returns, maybe ever," Trump told his supporters. The former president put up a flurry of posts on Truth Social in which he heralded the move from the Democrats as a great victory for connoisseurs of the aesthetics of tax returns.

"Nobody takes more withholdings than me! Everyone says so. Big, beautiful withholdings - no one else is smart enough. Lots of losers can't figure out how to pay less taxes, but I'm really good at it. Maybe the best."

Democratic lawmakers have pointed to the low taxes paid by the former President as an indictment of his business acumen, but he has already issued rebuttals to their claims. "Paying minimal taxes makes me smart. The Lying Media says this is a smoking gun, but they didn't count on everyone seeing the most genius use of the tax code yet - seeing my accountants at work is like watching Shakespeare draft the Magna Carta!"

At publishing time, Trump had taken the liberty of releasing his tax returns as far back as 1991 so more people could learn "The art of the deal" and gain business success, instead of remaining haters and losers.
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Rocket

Santa's sleigh mistakenly shot down by Ukrainian missile


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 24 Dec 2022 20:02 UTC
ukraine missile santa sleigh satire
© The Babylon Bee
Somber news came out of war-torn Ukraine today as reports confirmed Santa Claus's sleigh had been mistaken for a hostile Russian aircraft and was shot down by a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile as it flew over the greater Kyiv area early this morning.

It has long been suspected that Santa Claus frequently makes test flights over this region in the days leading up to Christmas, but there have been reports of Ukrainian military personnel being overly eager to try out their new missiles provided by the United States.

"One of our reconnaissance teams observed something unidentifiable on the radar this morning," said Ukrainian military spokesperson Grigor Grigorovic at a media briefing. "We attempted multiple times to communicate with the aircraft and received no response. We very clearly warned the aircraft that we would open fire if it remained in restricted Ukrainian airspace. We did what we had to do. This tragedy is not on us. The blood of Santa Claus is on his own head."

Wreckage believed to be remnants of Santa's sleigh was found in a nearby village, though there has been no sign of Santa himself. The public is holding out hope that he has somehow survived and will still be well enough to carry on his Christmas work over the weekend.

At publishing time, the White House offered no comment on any involvement of the United States in the incident, though the Biden administration was already aware of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky already requesting another Patriot missile to replace the one used to destroy Santa's sleigh.
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Smiley

Iowa sports reporter goes viral for hilarious on-air complaints about being forced to cover winter storm Elliott

Leon Wolf
The Blaze
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 19:54 UTC
sportscaster iowa winter storm
© KWWL-TV/Twitter
Iowa sportscaster Mark Woodley: "Not my job, dude!"
The winter storm that has blanketed much of the United States in snow and record-cold temperatures has been a major inconvenience for many this week, but perhaps no one had their complaints about the situation more widely heard than Iowa sports reporter Mark Woodley.

Woodley, who covers sports at KWWL-TV in Iowa, was reassigned to weather coverage this week when the winter storm in Iowa resulted in the cancellation of virtually all sporting events - and he was not happy about it. He was particularly upset about being forced to work a show that was much longer than normal, outside in the freezing cold, and made sure all his station's viewers knew about it.

In a compilation of clips that has already been viewed over 4 million times on Twitter, Woodley repeatedly aired his frustrations with the assignment on-air, griping, "I normally do sports, everything is cancelled here for the next couple of days so what better time to ask the sports guy to come in about five hours earlier than he would normally wake up, go stand out in the wind and the snow and the cold and tell other people not to do the same?"
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Smiley

US agrees to send Ukraine one unused border wall


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 22:30 UTC
Border wall Ukraine satire

Ukraine has agreed to take the wall 'as is', because it's a floor model.
As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that's just lying around at the southern border not being used.

"We have this wall that we're not using, I dunno, do you guys in Ukraine want it?" asked Senator Mitch McConnell during Zelensky's D.C. trip. "It's a pretty good wall. A little rusty, maybe, but it should help you secure your borders, which are the most important borders on earth. We don't believe in borders around here in Washington." McConnell finished speaking and then crawled under a nearby UV heat lamp to recharge his energy.

Senate leaders confirmed that the entire 700-mile stretch of unused wall is being written into the omnibus bill. an additional $120 billion has been allocated for the removal, transportation, and installation of the wall at its new home in Ukraine. "This is the right thing to do," said Senator Mitt Romney in a statement. "Every true, patriotic American should support this for some reason. I just can't think of what the reason is right now. Don't worry, I'll think of it!"

Several Republicans in Congress disagree with the move, insisting that Ukraine should pay for the transportation and install themselves.

At publishing time, members of Congress also offered to throw in an old Constitution they forgot they had.
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Ice Cube

Oh No! Scientists determine we're actually headed for an ice age and we have to pump as much CO2 as possible into the atmosphere or we're all gonna die


Babylon Bee
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 18:53 UTC
CO2 Pollution
© Babylon Bee
WORLD — In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we're all going to die.

"Welp, it looks like we may have made a few minor miscalculations," said Dr. Bjørn Jarlnjørd of the Norwegian Center for Studying Apocalyptic Science (NCSAS). "I think we may have forgotten to carry the '1' somewhere or something, I'm not really sure. But the long story short is that the planet is actually cooling and we're all going to freeze to death if we don't all start our SUVs and rev them around the clock immediately."
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Smiley

Biden nervous as boss unexpectedly drops by branch office


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 22 Dec 2022 18:01 UTC
Biden zelensky visity speech congress

Volodymyr Zelensky and Joe Biden
Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.

"Oh no! Vocab Zikorsky is here! What am I supposed to be doing? Everybody, look busy!" said a frantic Biden to White House staff as Zelensky's limo pulled up. "Darnit all! Jill hates it when I have the boss over to dinner unannounced. Someone make some perogies or something. Do Ukrainians eat perogies?" Biden then sniffed a nearby staffer, something he always does when he gets nervous.

According to reports, Zelensky is stopping by Washington to check on the progress of the omnibus spending bill to ensure Biden gets it passed per his wishes. "Ukraine needs many more billions," said Zelensky. "For President Biden's sake, I pray he does not disappoint me."

Several Republican congressmen also nervously approached the wartime leader in his dashing tactical green sweatshirt corduroys to promise him they would do everything possible to send many more billions to his country as soon as possible.

At publishing time, Zelensky had left the meeting early after a visibly anxious President Biden attempted to sniff him too — something considered a major social faux pas in Ukrainian culture.

Congress has assured the Ukrainian President that they will pass another $50 billion in spending by this Friday.
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Smiley

Elon to stay on as Twitter CEO after counting mail-in votes


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 20 Dec 2022 00:27 UTC
elon musk twitter pole step down CEO
© The Babylon Bee
After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter's leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.

"Initially the poll seemed to indicate that the majority of users and bots wish me gone, but that was a mirage," said Musk as he emerged from a dark, windowless room with stacks of ballots. "It looks like we got an overnight dump of 2 million mail-in votes that all say they want me to stay in charge of Twitter! Imagine that! Vox Populi Vox Dei!"

The dump reportedly came after millions of people around the world realized they had missed the Twitter poll and desperately sent in hand-written appeals begging the eccentric billionaire to keep running Twitter. "Please Mr. Musk! Don't leave! Twitter is fun now! PLEASE!" read one earnest note.

Officials with the FBI are reportedly outraged that the mail-in results were enough to overturn their expensive Chinese bot farm and are demanding a recount.

Twitter users are being urged to accept the results of this "free, fair, and totally secure" election — unless they want to be given the shameful label of "election denier."
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Mr. Potato

Canadian healthcare system introduces punch card where on your 10th visit you get free suicide


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 12 Dec 2022 00:00 UTC
canadian punch card suicide
© Babylon Bee
As Canada's MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation's healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results: Parliament just announced a punch card that allows patients to receive a free suicide after 10 doctor visits.

"From a small-scale maple syrup overdose to a full-blown moose attack, you receive a punch on your card every time you are admitted for an injury or sickness." The Canadian Healthcare website published a blog this week outlining the new program.

"Filling out your punch card is mandatory, for data tracking purposes. No one sick person can be allowed to drain more than their share of the taxpayer's dollars!"
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