Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Trump deemed unfit for political office after doing what he promised

trump signs executive order
Mainstream media outlets deemed President Donald Trump unfit for office this week after he was witnessed doing all the things he had promised to do.

Journalists and left-wing social media users criticized Trump for a range of actions he promised to fulfill during the election like shoring up the southern border, eliminating wokeness in the Federal Government, getting rid of DEI hiring practices, and myriad other items after the president checked them off his to-do list during his first week in office.

"What kind of politician does the things he said he would do?" reporter Shandra McKinley wrote on X. "No one could have predicted this. He's completely unfit to run the country. He's been caught now doing the things he said he would do and people aren't going to stand for this. It's disqualifying."

Trump's approval ratings for his first week in office hovered in the high 40s, a record for any incoming president — a clear sign, reporters said, that he's definitely on the wrong track and people don't like what he's doing.

"Sure, his approval ratings are high and most of the issues he's tackling are 80/20 issues with the general public," CNN's Jim Acosta said, "but he's doing what he promised to do and that's a dangerous precedent for a politician to set."

At publishing time, Trump faced even more criticism for fulfilling yet another campaign promise by signing a bill outlawing the use of the term "rizz" by anyone over the age of fourteen.

Smiley

Kamala Harris begins new career as obscure trivia answer: "So exciting!'

kamala harris
Kamala Harris
Though insiders said leaving office was a difficult experience for Kamala Harris, the former vice president was said to be excited to begin her new career as an obscure trivia answer.

Harris departed Washington, D.C. on Monday following the inauguration of President Donald Trump and made her way back home to California, where she was expected to begin preparing for life as a historical footnote mentioned in passing on TV quiz shows.

"It's a new day, and new days are for new things, and new things are meant to be done on a new day," Harris told the media after landing in California. "I was honored to serve as the vice president, which is almost the president, but just below the president, and that's what I was. With my work completed, I will now embark on a new journey as the answer to trivia questions about obscure vice presidents. Because trivia answers provide knowledge. Knowledge is what we all want. And when we get what we want, we will know knowledge, which before that time had been unknowable."

When asked if she was eager to potentially hear her name spoken on a trivia show, Harris couldn't contain her excitement. "Oh, you didn't know? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she said. "Your girl Kamala's about to be hitting the big time. A strong, confident woman who brought joy to America. 'Who is Kamala Harris?' Right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

At publishing time, sources close to the production of the TV game show Jeopardy reported they were having difficulty coming up with any notable facts about Harris that would warrant her being used as an answer.

Igloo

New Arctic Climate Discovered

"Great start for the newly discovered Gulf of America. Explorers note the climate is polar with heavy snow and ice observed along the coastlines."
Freezing Southern US
© Ryan Maue on XRyan Maue on X

Smiley

Democracy falls as man who received the most votes becomes president

trump inauguration
A day long feared by people across America and around the world finally became a reality today, with Democracy falling into rubble after a man who received the most votes took the oath of office to become president.

Weeping could be heard echoing throughout the streets of every American city this morning as citizens of the United States were confronted with the terrifying truth that democracy had been destroyed by having the man who everyone voted for take office.

"This is indeed a dark day," said historian and professor Clifford Martin. "The American experiment has survived for nearly 250 years, continuing the tradition started by the ancient Greeks who created the concept of democracy... but today we have seen its end. The man who won more votes than anyone else has been sworn in as president, and that's just not how democracy works."

Experts predicted that the country may never be the same, as having the man people wanted to be president actually win the election was an unexpected assault on American democracy. "We're not used to this," constitutional scholar Owen Gaffney said. "The United States can't survive when it's simply left to the people voting to choose their leaders. Democracy has now died. Thanks a lot, voters."

Reports quickly emerged that lawmakers were hard at work putting measures into place to revive democracy by keeping overwhelmingly popular candidates from winning elections ever again.

At publishing time, memorial services for democracy were being planned as Democrats urged all Americans to flee the country in search of refuge in more oppressive, totalitarian countries.

Light Saber

National Archives seeks volunteers who have the 'superpower' of reading cursive (for realz!)

cursive writing elderly reads
© shironosov/GettyElderly person reads an intricately handwritten letter
Only 24 states still teach the skill

"It's easy to do for a half hour a day or a week," Suzanne Isaacs, community manager with the National Archives Catalog, said

Reading cursive can now be added to the list of most-wanted skills — at least according to the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration.

The federal organization tasked with archiving the country's most precious records and documents is currently looking for volunteers who can read the cursive writing of over 200 years' worth of documents, USA Today reported.

The majority of the handwritten documents that need transcribing are from the Revolutionary War when writing in cursive was the standard form of penmanship, the outlet said.

Comment: Although the idea is amusing, more is being lost than just the skill:


Smiley

Awkwardness ensues when mourners at Jimmy Carter funeral place flowers on Biden instead

carter funeral biden flowers satire
© The Babylon BeeConfused mourners place flowers on corpse-like Biden at Jimmy Carter funeral
The solemnity of former President Jimmy Carter's funeral was slightly marred earlier this morning when a few confused mourners accidentally placed flowers on Biden.

According to eyewitnesses, the mistaken mourners seem to have confused the dead former president with the unmoving, unblinking, statuesque Biden.

"There had been a line going up at the Cathedral to put flowers on Jimmy," said Vivian Glecker, a White House staffer. "And a few of the people in line accidentally stopped to start laying flowers on Biden instead. One of them even tried to close his eyes. It got really awkward after they split up into two lines, with one going to each president to pay their respects. It was touching, I guess, though it took Secret Service kind of a while to sort things out."

Reports from the Washington Cathedral state that the misunderstanding was eventually corrected, though Jill Biden had to be rescued from a partial avalanche of roses that had spilled over from the pile mounting atop Biden.

"It was fitting, in a way, you know?" asked Keith Simmons, a member of the general public who attended the funeral. "Carter always was the sort of guy who could name fifty parts of a flower's anatomy, but never got flowers."

At publishing time, Biden had gotten up to deliver some remarks and accidentally eulogized himself instead of Carter.

X

Guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announces Facebook will stop suppressing free speech

Cyborg
© The Babylon Bee
PALO ALTO, CA — Social media users rejoiced today as in an initiative to fight back against censorship, the guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announced that Facebook would stop suppressing free speech.

Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg released a video statement outlining the upcoming changes that would be made to content restriction policies on Facebook and Instagram, revealing that Facebook would stop suppressing all the free speech he had previously insisted wasn't being suppressed on Facebook.

"This is a major shift toward no longer doing the things I said we weren't doing," Zuckerberg said in the statement. "While we never suppressed free speech and expression at Facebook, we felt that the election of 2024 was a cultural pivot point that made it clear that we had to stop suppressing free speech and expression. Even though we absolutely never did it, starting now, we're going to stop doing it."

Smiley

FBI pleads with X users: 'Please stop solving crimes before we do'

satire new orleans truck attack
"Please stop embarrassing the FBI!"
In a formal statement, the FBI has called on Internet sleuths, particularly X users, to please stop solving crimes before they have a chance to do so.

The statement comes just hours after X users discovered all suspects and motives related to the recent terror attacks in New Orleans and Las Vegas.

The statement reads in part:
"It is in the public interest that all X users stop solving crimes immediately. Solving crime is the responsibility of the federal government and local law enforcement. If we do not solve crimes first, we cannot control the narrative, and that's important for national security reasons we cannot discuss at this time."
"You're going to put us all out of a job," said FBI Director Christopher Wray, commenting on the public statement. "We're supposed to be the ones solving crimes. Please stop demonstrating how useless we are."

As an incentive, the FBI is promising not to raid anyone who complies. "All you have to do is not report on suspects, observe obvious connections to other crimes, or complain when we prosecute parents of school-aged children," a spokesman for the bureau explained. "You scratch our back, we leave your back alone. Get it?"

At publishing time, the FBI had prosecuted an X user for interfering with a cover-up.

Smiley

People controlling Biden whine that 'Elon is controlling Trump!'

alex soros and Kamala harris
Elon Musk's involvement in this week's failure by Congress to pass a continuing resolution to fund the government ignited outraged speculation that he may be pulling the strings and controlling President-elect Donald Trump, with the most pointed criticism coming from the behind-the-scenes power players who have been controlling President Joe Biden's every policy decision for the past four years.

Upon news of the bill's failure, Alex Soros — son of billionaire George Soros — posted his displeasure on social media, expressing concern that all the work he had accomplished while controlling Biden would be undone by the moves Musk was making while controlling Trump.

"Elon is controlling Trump!" Soros said on X. "No billionaire should hold the power to influence the incoming leader of the free world to make decisions that counter the power we have to influence the current leader of the free world. Something has to be done to stop this. But only for presidents we don't like."

With only a month until Trump's inauguration, Democrat leaders warned that Trump's age may make it easy for Musk to manipulate him. "It's dangerous and unconstitutional for some billionaire businessman to hold so much sway over a president," said Biden's White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important lunch with Alex Soros to receive marching orders for President Biden's last month in office."

At publishing time, politicians and members of the media had still not decided what to call Musk's unprecedented petitioning of Congress, though some were unofficially referring to it by using the more familiar term "lobbying."

Comment: Bonus holiday Bee!


Merry Christmas to all!


Wine n Glass

Nancy Pelosi hospitalized with dangerously low blood alcohol level

Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi
According to eyewitnesses at the Grand Duke's palace, Nancy Pelosi was rushed to the hospital earlier today after her blood alcohol level plunged dangerously.

Sources say that the Democrat representative is now in stable condition, having downed several vodka tonics and three glasses of wine since the incident.

"We almost lost her," said Dr. Johann Warstein, who has been caring for Pelosi since she was hospitalized earlier today. "Ms. Pelosi skipped her usual four morning screwdrivers, then accidentally drank too much water over lunch. Her blood alcohol levels, normally around 50%, plunged to almost legal levels. If not for the quick actions of our emergency personnel to get a fifth of vodka in her bloodstream, we may be having a different conversation. It was touch and go."

Condolences and casks of alcohol have poured into the Luxembourg hospital where Pelosi is staying overnight, in a heartwarming effort to keep Pelosi safely sloshed. Initial reports note that the doctors have graciously tried some of the gifts themselves so that they can make sure the alcohol content is high enough for Rep. Pelosi.

At publishing time, doctors had outfitted Pelosi with one of those beer hats to ensure she always had a steady supply of alcohol at the ready.