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Mon, 05 Jun 2023
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Eye 1

Woke employees shut down 'queer-owned' business for being insufficiently woke

Kate Egghart Sonam Parikh
A cafe in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, permanently closed its doors after the employees protested the restaurant was perpetrating "anti-blackness, ableism" and "hostility," according to social media posts from the cafe and its employees.

Mina's World, known as Philadelphia's first cafe for queer and trans people of color, closed and was listed for sale due to a lack of funds, an Instagram post showed. The announcement comes after employees of Mina's World revolted against ownership, calling themselves victims of "systemic employer oppression" and "anti-blackness" from the owners Kate Egghart and Sonam Parikh in an Instagram post on June 14.

The employees listed demands including "public acknowledgment and accountability for grievances and harm caused" in an Instagram post. Once the cafe was posted for sale by Egghart's mother, the employees' Instagram account called the listing "violence" and began a GoFundMe to raise funds to buy the building.


Disaster in Saudi Arabia as Biden keeps asking to meet Jafar

Brandon in Saudi Arabia
© Babylon Bee
SAUDI ARABIA — President Biden's trip to Saudi Arabia got off to a rocky start, as Biden repeatedly asked the Crown Prince if he could meet Jafar.

"So are you really, really sure you're not Jafar?" asked President Biden as he sat down with Mohammed bin Salman. "Well, maybe you can rub your magic lamp for me and then tell the genie my wish is to see Jafar! Wait, you don't even have a magic lamp? What kind of joke is this?! Come on, man!"

People 2

I'm not entirely sure what being a woman feels like, but I'm pretty sure that's how I feel.

So, I'm down with the Apocalyptic Plague, so not exactly at my best, but I wanted to get this newsletter out anyway, because people are unsubscribing from my Substack and complaining that I don't put out "enough content."

Also, I've got some pretty big news. I've decided to identify as a woman. Or, rather, I have realized that I am a woman, or that I feel like someone who feels like a woman.

I'm not entirely sure what being a woman feels like, but I'm pretty sure that's how I feel. So I wanted to make a big public statement letting everyone know my feelings, and how I identify, and my pronouns, and so on, as that seems to be what one does these days.

I'm a little confused about the pronoun thing, because I don't just feel like I feel like a woman. I feel like I probably feel like a woman who feels like a non-binary or gender-fluid person who identifies as a genderqueer woman (or as a pangender or agender or neutrois person) who until recently had been a cisgender man, so I'm not sure which pronouns I'm allowed to use without calling down the wrath of the trans community, the corporate media, Hollywood, academia, the judicial branches of various Western governments, and the global pharmaceutical and healthcare industry.


Polls indicate more breakfast tacos are leaning Republican

hispanic voter
According to recent polling data, the Americans described by Jill Biden as "breakfast tacos" are inexplicably switching to the Republican Party in record numbers.

"We aren't sure why the Latinx, who are as special and unique as a breakfast taco — or maybe a toasted cheddar chalupa — are leaving the Democrats," said Dr. Jill Biden while performing routine spinal surgery on one of her patients. "Don't they know how much we Democrats care about their vote? Perhaps we need more abortions and drag queen story hours."

Local breakfast taco Carlos Hernandez isn't convinced. "You know, I'm just not sure the Democrats really care about me," he said as he entered church on Sunday with his family.

Another local breakfast taco, Valentina Gonzalez, agrees. "I'm just not sure Democrat values are my values," she said as she fired her favorite AR-15 at the local gun range. "Am I allowed to say that?"

At publishing time, several breakfast egg rolls were beginning to think the same thing.


Ron DeSantis runs ad in California asking Libs not to move to Florida

satire desantis libs don't move florida
© The Babylon Bee
Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom's political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California. While Newsom's ads were urging libs to move to California, Desantis is begging the libs in California to stay put.

"Listen, folks, it's simple really — in Florida, we believe in clean sidewalks, and shrinking the homeless problem — NOT growing it!" said Governor Ron DeSantis in his California statewide ad. "So to all the woke libs out there let me be clear: do not come to Florida. Stay in California and indoctrinate your own kids — that is if you actually have kids you haven't aborted." Viewers are then treated to a shot of DeSantis wrestling an alligator.

"Here in Florida, we do not want more crime, or taxes, or a racist school curriculum. We want citizens that are BASED and red-pilled," continued DeSantis's ad. "Still thinking Florida is right for you, Cali libs? Well, just remember that we have American flags all over our state, we LOVE guns — and most importantly — President Trump lives here permanently." The commercial ends with a shot of DeSantis and Trump throwing commies out of helicopters.

Upon watching these ads, millions of Californians fainted on the spot. According to sources, they were so triggered by the alarming levels of patriotism that their California brains couldn't handle it.

At publishing time, many of the libs who saw the ads are now trying to sue Ron DeSantis for emotional damage and trauma. Ron DeSantis has responded with plans to run the same ads on CNN and MSNBC.


Elon Musk backs out of Twitter deal after realizing he can read The Babylon Bee by going directly to their website

Elon Musk satire babylon bee

Musk has a epiphany about The Babylon Bee
The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website.

"Whew! I almost wasted a bundle!" said Musk to reporters. "I almost plopped down $44 billion just to bring the Babylon Bee back to Twitter, and it turns out they had their own website this whole time? Awesome!"

Musk then took a break from designing rockets and solving Earth's underpopulation problem to sit at his computer and giggle at the marginally funny Christian satire of the Babylon Bee.

At publishing time, The Babylon Bee announced their website is now for sale for a mere $4 billion.


Biden: 'I apologize for my latest teleprompter gaffe, end apology'

joe Biden
Leader of the free world and President of the United States Joe Biden issued an apology to the American people for an embarrassing blunder that had occurred earlier, stating the following:

"As President, the buck stops with me, pause for dramatic effect. Earlier, I read the wrong words in the teleprompter, don't say telecommuter or helicopter. I apologize for my latest teleprompter gaffe, end apology."

Following the public statement, members of the press were quickly ushered out of the fake press room and off the premises where the duct tape was removed from their mouths. The journalists then began reporting on the relief of having a gracious, humble president who was not Trump.

Biden aides quickly logged into Twitter to remind everyone that Biden did not actually say those things that the whole world watched him say.

At publishing time, Biden's Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre had responded to questions about his capacity to serve as president with the poignant reminder she was a black, gay, immigrant woman.


Dick Cheney thrilled to no longer be the leastlikable Cheney

Liz and Dick Cheny

Liz and Dick Cheny
After years of being a social and political pariah, former Vice President Dick Cheney is overjoyed to no longer be the least likable Cheney in America.

"It's incredible. I literally shot someone, and people like me more," said a gleeful Mr. Cheney. "Spying on American citizens, the war in Iraq - all water under the bridge now, thanks to my daughter. Way to go, Liz!"

Having drawn frequent comparisons to Darth Vader, Dick Cheney had resigned himself to being the proverbial anchor weighing down the family name. "They always kicked me out of the family photos so I wouldn't damage Liz's career," chuckled Mr. Cheney. "At this point, I could skinny dip in the Reflecting Pool and it couldn't make things worse for her. Ah, freedom at last!"

Liz Cheney reportedly received a huge gift basket from her Dad after the first week of the January 6th hearings. "It felt so nice to know that even if everyone else was against me, my Dad was still in my corner," said Ms. Cheney. "Although I didn't quite understand his note. It just said, 'Taste my pain!'."

At publishing time, Gallup released a poll showing the Cheney's neck-and-neck with the Biden's for America's least favorite political family.


Ukraine captures Moscow; NFL Players menstruating

© Britannica
The White House has announced that Ukrainian troops have invaded Moscow and taken control of the city.

Negotiations with Russia are underway. The discussions are centering on terms of surrender, including the resignation of Mr. Putin.

President Biden warned that although inflation in the US is a direct result of the war, "Don't expect prices on goods to drop soon. The residual effects of Putin's actions will be felt here for years."

Military analysts at the Pentagon told the New York Times they've been anticipating the Ukraine counter-offensive for the past month, based on reports from the CIA.

One Pentagon source stated, "We knew the weapons we were sending to President Zelensky would be sold on the black market for extraordinary sums. When the word went out that profits would be shared among Ukrainian soldiers, morale rose to new heights, and the army marched into Moscow, overcoming all obstacles."

Speaking of morale, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held an impromptu meeting with reporters at his summer home in Tuscaloosa this morning. Beaming with pride, Mr. Goodell announced:

"Medical staffs on three of our teams have told me that several players are having periods. They're menstruating. So far, the flow is uneven and spotty, but we expect to see that change in the coming months."


Raytheon unveils new rent-seeking missile

© Raytheon/Youtube/KJN
America's formidable military arsenal became even more so this week, as Raytheon Technologies revealed a brand-new rent-seeking missile.

The rent-seeking missile represents a revolutionary breakthrough in stealth technology, capable of blowing up the budget of an entire country before its taxpayers even notice something is wrong.

"People used to point and laugh when Congress would buy dozens of worthless tanks just to prop up General Dynamics," said Senator and fanatical war hawk Lindsey Graham. "With this new missile, we'll bankrupt our country before China can even blink."