Welcome to Sott.net
Mon, 27 Sep 2021
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Map

Mr. Potato

Congressional Republicans Make Deal: Democrats Get Everything They Want, But Mr. Potato Head Will Stay Male

Mr. Potato - Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans struck a deal today, declaring that Democrats will get everything they want, but Mr. Potato Head will stay a male.

The deal means that Democrats' entire radical leftist agenda will proceed as planned, as long as the Hasbro toy is canonically male.

"This is a major victory for conservatives," said Mitch McConnell over the deal that will give Democrats $2 trillion in spending to do whatever they want with, major changes to our national electoral process that will seal Democrats' majority forever, and the Equality Act that will erase women from existence. But, as McConnell was quick to point out, Mr. Potato Head is now biologically male forever.

Smiley

With pandemic winding down, people who yell at others to wear masks in danger of never feeling important again

mask woman grocery store
© The Babylon Bee
There's a light at the end of the tunnel for the pandemic as vaccine distribution continues to increase, and soon the whole ordeal will be over. While most people are celebrating this development, it has filled others with worry -- especially those who have taken it upon themselves to yell at people who aren't wearing masks. They have a sinking feeling they're never going to feel important ever again.

"I've never felt so alive as when I've gotten in people's faces, saying, 'Where's your mask?! Where's your mask?!'" said Karen Hughes. "I'm basically stopping murderers. And, let's face it, with my lack of skills and annoying personality, this is the highlight of my life."

"This has given me purpose and meaning," agreed Karen Boyd. "Usually, I'm looked at as some sort of witch when I scream at kids, but now I have a reason backed by the CDC. I'm a hero. But when the pandemic is over, I'll go back to being a crazy lady."

"I don't think I have the ability to do anything else," said Bob "Karen" Shelton. "What else can I yell at people about? 'Wear sunscreen?!' I dunno. And I was just getting so good at mask policing. I was yelling at people for only wearing one mask. 'Why don't you have two?!' I'd shout. But those days are ending."

The mask-yellers do have some hope that masks will become a habit during flu season, which at least gives them an annual reason to harass random passersby.

Camera

Octopus steals camera, wins underwater photography competition with selfie

octopus selfie award
© Gaetano Dario Gargiulo
A curious octopus took a selfie of itself with the photographer’s family
This year's Ocean Art Underwater Photo Competition managed to produce some amazing underwater photos that showcase the perseverance of underwater artistry amidst the adversity of the times.

Two winning photos told particularly compelling stories. The Best of Show by Gaetano Dario Gargiulo is a once-in-a-life-time moment where a curious octopus took a selfie of itself with the photographer's family.

"On the day of the photo, I remained in the tide pool as the tide was too low to venture outside of its boundaries. In one of the shallowest parts of the pool I noticed an octopus. I placed my camera near its den and the octopus started interacting with it. It came completely out of the den and to our amazement it started shooting pictures! My son (3 y.o. in the background) was very curious about the octopus." — Gaetano Dario Gargiulo
Jill Studholme edits SCUBA News (ISSN 1476-8011), the monthly newsletter with articles on diving and marine science. She tweets as @SCUBANews. A scuba diver with a biology degree, Jill has an special intererest in marine biology, coral reef conservation and the underwater environment.

Mr. Potato

Activists fight racism by driving all people of color out of pop culture

cancelled brand icons
Activists are fighting racism by demanding that people of color be removed from all media, brands, logos, mascots, and anywhere else they might pop up.

"Anywhere we see a person of color, we see racism. So we must end racism by making sure people of color are not depicted anywhere," said white liberal activist Petunia Faucett. "We will not rest until all pop culture icons of color are eliminated. Then, racism will be over."

Activists across the country cheered as another pop culture icon of color was removed this morning. "We worked hard to achieve this goal, and the day is finally here," Faucett said. "But our work is not done. We must be vigilant to hunt down people of color on butter tubs, syrup bottles, cartoons, and bags of rice, and take them out of the public consciousness."

Comment: See also:


Smiley

Cuomo tries to divert attention from sex scandal by reminding everyone of nursing home scandal

cuomo nursing home
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's political career is in freefall after new allegations of sexual misconduct from several women. In a desperate attempt to divert attention from the embarrassing sex scandal, Cuomo took to the airwaves today to remind everyone of the time he killed a bunch of seniors in nursing homes.

"Listen people-- I know there are some accusations against me out there, but can we focus on the real issues?" said Cuomo to a roomful of reporters who had recently received a memo telling them it was time to stop protecting the governor.

Smiley

Secret strategy: Texas removes mask mandate to scare all the Californians away

cowboy california
© The Babylon Bee
Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has just lifted the mask mandate and is allowing business to return to 100% capacity. The Governor explains that in these trying times, extreme measures must be taken to stop the spread of Californians into Texas and to scare them off from ever wanting to return.

"The last thing we need is a bunch of sissies from California moving to our beautiful state of Texas and screwing everything up and turning the state blue!" said Governor Abbott during a Lubbock Chamber of Commerce event. "Too many Californians have entered our state. Too many ridiculous liberal ideas have already been proposed. This must end. It's time to open Texas 100%."

Governor Abbott continued, "We believe that by removing the mask requirement that all of the Californians will flee in terror, restoring our state to its former glory. As soon as they see the joy and hear the laughter of our citizens returning to normal life, they'll be sure to pack up and leave at once."

The Governor has strategically placed "No Masks Required" stickers on all Texas state signs warning all who enter of what lies beyond. He has expressed hope that this will send any namby-pamby who reads it back around to where they came from. "We tried buying and carrying more guns around, but somehow that didn't work. Then we tried driving around in big, lifted, gas-guzzling trucks, but they still kept coming. But now by removing our masks for good Texas can finally start to heal."

After seeing immediate results by reversing the mask mandate, Governor Abbott has been looking for more ways to scare off the cry-baby cowards. He has now removed all social distancing guidelines and even encouraged citizens to stop washing their hands.

Sun

State of California votes to officially secede from reality

newsom
In a move that puts into ink what most Americans have known for decades now, Governor Gavin Newsom announced Wednesday that the State of California has voted to officially secede from reality.

"This is just a formality, really. We've been in our own little world for some time now, as everybody knows," he said at an afternoon press conference announcing the decision. "I mean, we're fighting to jail restaurant workers who give customers plastic straws, for crying out loud! Hahahaahahoooo boy!"

"In any event, let it be known henceforth that the State of California categorically renounces all ties to so-called 'reality,' and will continue governing our people without any regard for objective facts, morality, or sanity."

At publishing time, rumors were swirling of a new motion to rename California "La La Land."

Pocket Knife

HHS nominee says kids should decide for themselves whether to stick a knife in a toaster

Rachel Levine kid knife toaster
During an intense round of questioning from senators on Capitol Hill, Assistant HHS Secretary Nominee Rachel Levine refused to answer Rand Paul's intense line of questioning as to whether young children should be allowed to stick a knife in a toaster while it's plugged in.

"Listen, it's a simple question," said Senator Paul. "Should we, or should we not allow 3-year-old kids to electrocute themselves by sticking a giant knife into a plugged-in toaster?"

"That is a very interesting question about a complicated issue," answered Levine.

Bulb

Biden clarifies that stimulus checks are 'just an idea'

biden
As more and more Americans start wondering where the $2,000 stimulus checks Joe Biden promised are, especially as he's now decided to start meddling in Syria, Biden issued a statement today clarifying that the stimulus checks were "just an idea."

"The stimulus checks, see, they're just an idea," he said, shrugging off claims that the stimulus checks were supposed to be actual checks sent to Americans. "They're more of a metaphor. You might say the real stimulus checks were just the countries we bombed along the way, Jack. The real stimulus checks, ya see, they were inside us all along."

"You there, the grrr-- the girl with the pretty hair," he said, gesturing toward a reporter in the front row. "You're a stimulus check. And you, the guy with the mustache -- you're a stimulus check. In a way, all of us are stimulus checks when we live according to the American values of love, progress, and unity. We can all become the stimulus checks we wish to see in the world."

Biden's statement brought everyone in the room to tears, and Snopes quickly fact-checked his claim that the stimulus checks were never intended to be literal but were always "just an idea" as "double-plus true."

Russian Flag

Resourceful Russians! Diplomats employ push trolley to depart from North Korea amid covid border restrictions

diplomats russia north korea push trolly train tracks
© Russia’s Foreign Ministry
The Russian delegation swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.
With borders shut tight due to the coronavirus pandemic, the diplomats from the Russian mission in Pyongyang had to saddle a handcar and push it all by themselves to make it home from North Korea.

The DPRK has always been a closed state, but getting in and out of it became even harder after the coronavirus hit. Eight diplomats and their family members, who returned to Russia from the country on Thursday, swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.