Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Tiny Texas border town really sorry to hear about New York City struggling with a few thousand migrants

migrants new york city
Residents of a small Texas border town have expressed their sympathy for New York City as it buckles under the weight of a few thousand migrants.

"Wow, it must be tough to be one of the wealthiest, most powerful cities in the world while sheltering a few illegal immigrants," said Arnie McClanahan while making his way through a crowd of 150 homeless strangers in his front yard. "As a citizen of a tiny border town currently populated with only 36 Texans and 89,000 illegal immigrants, I know how difficult that must be for them."

Leaders from the small town met to discuss ways they could possibly alleviate the suffering of stock brokers in SoHo, supermodels in Tribeca, and Broadway actors in Greenwich Village. "Surely, there must be something we can do to help those poor folks!" said Meemaw Gunderson, who runs the local homeless shelter currently populated with 20,000 border crossers. "Those poor souls won't be able to hold out much longer!"

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has begged for aid as his city struggles to provide for the handful of people who have been sent there from the border. "What am I supposed to do for these people?" said Adams. "I'm only the Mayor of the sanctuary city of New York, for goodness sake!"

At publishing time, the people of Acala had elected to send New York City 10,000 more migrants to assist city workers in settling the migrants already there.

Arrow Down

White House says Bidenomics so successful the average American has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago

White House Liar
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of "Bidenomics," as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.

"Thanks to the President's wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs," said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. "Our economists ran the numbers and found that's twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!"

"Wow! Thanks, President Biden!" said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. "I'm just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I'll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!"


Trudeau's divorce leaves nation in shock that he was married to a woman

Wife and Justin
© The Babylon Bee
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced the separation from his wife of 18 years Tuesday, shocking millions of Canadians who reportedly had no clue the effeminate leader had been married this whole time, least of all to a woman.

"Oh wow, he was married?" said normal Canadian woman Jill Thorleaf. "That's nice. Wait -- to a woman? Really?? Huh. Wow. I had no idea. Good for him."

In a brief statement, Trudeau called for privacy as his life crumbles around him. "Please stop asking if Sophie was really a woman," said a tearful Trudeau. "You're hurting my feelings! Sophie is real. She's real! Next person who asks is getting curb stomped by a Mountie!"


Man who spent $14K to transform himself into collie steps out for first-ever walk in public

His hyperrealistic dog costume cost $20,000.His hyperrealistic dog costume cost $14,000.
His hyperrealistic dog costume cost $20,000.
The dog days are just beginning for this man.

A Japanese native has transformed himself into a canine after forking out more than $14,000 for a custom-made collie costume.

The private citizen, who goes only by Toco online, says the unusual garment has helped actualize his dream of "becoming an animal."

Footage shared to Toco's YouTube channel, where he boasts more than 32,000 subscribers, shows him clad in the costume as he frolics on a lawn, rolls on a floor, and plays fetch.

Toco has even uploaded a video of himself venturing out in public as a dog for the very first time.

Bystanders appeared to be in awe of the man's doggy debut as he paraded down a busy street in the viral clip, which has racked up 1.7 million views.

Comment: Should we laugh, or cry?


Job listing for Obama's new personal chef receives zero applications

Personal Chef Ad
© The Babylon Bee
MARTHA'S VINEYARD — After posting a job listing to fill their vacant personal chef position, former President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, were disappointed to learn it had received zero applications.

"Why wouldn't anyone want this job?" an exasperated Michelle was heard asking her servant's personal assistant's driver at the Obamas' lavish estate. "Working for us is one of the greatest privileges anyone could experience. As long as you don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong, you'll be well-compensated and you'll get to stay alive! Where's the downside?"


Ice Cube tries to bump his street cred in ride-along with Tucker Carlson

tucker carlson Ice cube ride along
Tucker Carlson and rapper Ice Cube
In an attempt to increase his credibility on the street, rapper-actor Ice Cube booked an appearance on conservative media pundit Tucker Carlson's show on Twitter (AKA "X"), thinking anyone seeing him hanging around Carlson will have no doubt he's a tough customer.

"If you want people to think you're hardcore, you gotta be around Tucker," Cube said after his interview with Carlson was completed. "I've spent a lot of time in Hollywood over the years, and it can be easy to lose some of your edge and make people think you've gone soft. Rollin' through South Central with Tucker Carlson shows everyone I'm still the real deal."

Carlson welcomed not only the chance to interview Ice Cube for his program but also to take the opportunity to lend an air of toughness and menace to his guest's persona. "I'm always happy to help out my homies," Carlson said while drinking his gin and juice. "If anyone has any doubts about my boy Cube, they were put to rest once they saw him riding with me in his car. Everybody knows I don't play. Straight-up."

Eyewitnesses on L.A. streets expressed newfound respect for Ice Cube. "I thought he might just be a guy who acts tough," said one bystander. "After seeing him with Tucker Carlson? I know not to mess with Ice Cube."

At publishing time, Ice Cube was reportedly hoping to collaborate with Carlson on a new hip-hop album set for release early next year.

Comment: A great segment actually:


Hero: Biden announces he will donate the rest of his bribe money to charity

joe biden
Joe Biden
What a guy! As more evidence continues to emerge regarding Biden's selling influence and favors to foreign governments for bribe money, The President has announced he will be selflessly donating the remainder of his bribe money to charity.

"Listen up, folks. Here's the deal," Biden said to reporters assembled at the White House, "I made a lot of money by taking bribes from other countries. It was entirely legal except for being totally illegal. To smooth things over, I'm going to give all the bribe money I have left over to a variety of charities. In return, those charities will do me favors. It's a win-win. Noogardinbargits!"

The press pool then stood and cheered, impressed by Biden's extremely generous act.

Though no official list has been released, the charities to which Biden plans on donating the bribe money include prominent left-wing causes, such as green energy and LGBTQ+ activist organizations. "It's important to the President to give this dirty money to dirty organizations," said White House gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "The original intent for this money was to facilitate underhanded, immoral acts, so giving it to these charities will be a way of continuing that legacy. This is truly a heroic move."

When asked if his son, Hunter, will also be donating his bribe money to charity, Joe Biden replied, "Who's Hunter?" The President was then whisked away for his mid-morning nap.

At publishing time, sources confirmed the Biden administration had decided to donate the entire sum to his son's charity foundation.


Are you against crime? You're racist!

Jason Aldean
© The Babylon BeeJason Aldean hit song has been cancelled by the virtuous
Country star Jason Aldean released a controversial single this month called Try That In A Small Town in which he laid out his belief that crime is bad. He has since been forcefully condemned by the music industry since being against crime is now considered a racist dog whistle.

"I was shocked and saddened by the blatant racism in Aldean's song that condemned violent crime," said CMT President Brian Philips. "Crime is a beloved and noble tradition of BIPOC communities, and to condemn it is to condemn our own black brothers and sisters. I am sorry we ever allowed it to be aired."

Aldean defended himself from the criticism on his Instagram page, saying "What on earth does this have to do with race? I never mentioned race, you guys did! You guys are racist! What's wrong with you people?" Unfortunately, no one read his statement as Instagram soon removed the post.

Industry experts joined in denouncing Aldean. "Most of us secretly agree with him, but it's not cool to say that," said Universal Music Group CEO Cindy Mabe. "So, please don't tell anyone I said that. Hey! Stop writing that down!"

At publishing time, a group of heavily armed Antifa troops was seen outside Aldean's home to teach him a valuable lesson about being against crime.


Biden blames White House cocaine on black guy who lived there before

© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there.

"One of those suspicious colored fellas used to live here," Biden said to reporters assembled on the White House lawn as he came outside for his morning recess time. "Black folks are always dealing drugs, which is why I pushed so hard to incarcerate them decades ago. Nobody listened. Now, one of them lived here for years. He was a bad dude. Borfarginbinder."

Ever since a white powder that later tested positive for cocaine was discovered in the White House, speculation has run rampant that it may have belonged to President Biden's son, Hunter. "People are trying to say it belonged to my son, but that's an awful thing to say because my son passed away years ago," Biden said. "It's time for us to move on, just like the black fella who lived here before. He doesn't live here anymore, he just calls me up every day and tells me what I need to do. Mint chocolate chip."


Embarrassed man could've sworn the invitation said 'Costume Party'

© The Babylon Bee
LITHUANIA — A Ukrainian attendee at this year's NATO Summit found himself feeling embarrassed upon realizing the get-together was not, in fact, a costume party as he had thought.

"Zoinks! This is humiliating!" said the man, who was wearing a brand-new army-man costume complete with realistic army shoes. "I'm sticking out like a sore thumb here! Why am I the only one not wearing a fancy suit? Didn't the invite say to wear the coolest costumes we can come up with?"

"UGH! So awkward!"