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Wed, 26 Jan 2022
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Musket-Wielding Americans run Prince Harry out of the country

prince harry musket

Prince Harry legs it for his limousine
After Prince Harry called the First Amendment "bonkers," Americans did what Americans do best, and chased the royal Englishman out of the country while wielding muskets.

"Back to your side of The Pond, British scum!" cried a mob of angry Americans as they loaded their muskets. "We won a war so we wouldn't have to care about your opinions on our freedoms! Now, you best start swimmin' back across the Atlantic if you don't want to catch a lead ball in yer trousers, ya hear?"

"If you don't like the First Amendment, you'll hate the Second Amendment!" The simple farmers with pitchforks and muskets banged on Harry's windows and shouted "USA! USA!" along with "No taxation without representation!"

Prince Harry frantically ran to his limousine, where his driver was waiting, but the Americans gave pursuit on horseback, chasing the English prince across the country until he finally escaped in his speed yacht.

Their anger unappeased, the crazed mob left to run other British people out of the country. They say they will first be targeting Andrew Garfield, since he's "probably British" and also for his complicity in The Amazing Spider-Man.


Existing, and 6 other things you didn't know were microaggressions

lesser-known microagressions
Yes, it's 2021, and we're still talking about microaggressions. You know why? Because there is always room to DO BETTER. We want to improve, and we know you do too. Here are some things you may not have known are microaggressions:

Punching someone with a very tiny fist: Punching someone is typically seen as a "macroaggression," but when done with a tiny little fist, it becomes a microaggression. Always be aware of this if you have very tiny hands. Unless you're punching a Nazi. Then it's OK.

Setting fire to someone's business with them inside: Admit it-- we've all done this at one time or another! Sometimes when we get caught up in the heat of the moment while protesting injustice, we toss a Molotov cocktail through a window. Did you know that can be seen as a microaggression if the owner is a person of color? Just something to be aware of.


'They won't make fun of me ever again,' says Dr. Fauci while designing new virus in his lab

dr. fauci
According to anonymous sources, Dr. Anthony Fauci stayed up late in his North Carolina research lab last night, designing a brand new virus even deadlier than COVID-19.

Recent polls suggest public opinion may be turning against Fauci as he continues to press for arbitrary mask-wearing and after Rand Paul linked him to dangerous bat virus research in Wuhan.

"This will teach them to laugh at me," said Fauci through gritted teeth as he looked at his latest abomination through the microscope. "I'll show them! They'll see! Behold my terrible creation! Behold my chimera! EARTH IS DOOMED! MUA HAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Researchers in Chapel Hill and Wuhan have confirmed that Fauci is indeed working on something even "bigger and badder" than anything that came before it. This new SARS-related coronavirus will infect human airway cells, turning the victims into giant mutated zombies that will chase down their victims and spray virus everywhere.

"Let's see you try going without a mask now! HAHAHAHAHA!" cried Fauci as he completed his creation.

Senator Rand Paul has called for an inquiry into Fauci's work at the lab, which critics say is just because he's jealous of Dr. Fauci's brilliance.

Arrow Down

New study says we all must wear mask to prevent global warming

Prevent Global Warming
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — A new study from very credible scientists has revealed that science wants everyone to continue to wear masks for the foreseeable future. This is due to brand new evidence from real science that masks actually prevent global warming.

"The best thing we can do to slow the spread of climate change and sea-level rise is to wear a mask," said Dr. Antonio Grouci, the newly appointed head of the EPA. "You breathe out deadly CO2 all day and that makes the planet sad. If there's a chance masks could catch even one CO2 particle and prevent it from entering the atmosphere, we must take that precaution."

Pumpkin 2

Gas station memes Hunter Biden mockery on sign: 'Hope gas prices don't get too high'

hunter biden gas station meme
© @ThatF_ckerYote/Twitter
Tennessee gas station is making headlines for slamming Joe Biden over soaring gas prices by broadcasting a giant Hunter Biden meme on its sign.

The Lewis Country Store in Nashville flashed a series of memes on its sign, such as Fox News host Tucker Carlson laughing and an empty gas gauge with the Biden/Harris logo.

"Hope gas prices don't get too high," one side of the meme reads, with the other side showing an infamous photo of Hunter posing in his bathtub captioned, "gas prices."


Biden outed as robotic human suit piloted by tiny Jimmy Carter

biden robot controlled jimmy carter
© The Babylon Bee
In a shocking technology malfunction during a recent appearance, President Biden was revealed to be a robotic human suit driven by former president Jimmy Carter.

"Listen, folks, gas lines aren't that ba--" said President Biden as he began to twitch. "If you, if you're, I, I, I... uh... what was I saying?"

There was then a series of beeping noises as Biden's face opened up, revealing former president Carter -- who could easily fit inside Biden's head due to his minuscule size -- sitting behind the controls.

Carter waved sheepishly at the shocked reporters. "Oops, wrong button. I'm sorry everyone! While I have you, Israel is an apartheid state and the next 4 years will probably be worse than the last 4 years...uh... forget you saw me, ok?"

Carter then pressed a button on his control panel and Biden's face closed and clicked shut.

"S-s-sorry about that folks," said Biden. What did I miss?"

Jen Psaki then swore the press pool to secrecy and gave them chocolate chip cookies.

Mr. Potato

Rachel Maddow: I will have to "rewire" my brain to not view maskless as a "threat"

rachel maddow

Rachel Maddow
MSNBC host Rachel Maddow reacted to the CDC's announcement on face coverings by saying she would have to "rewire" her brain in order to not perceive those who don't wear masks as a "threat."

The CDC said yesterday that those who had been vaccinated could remove their masks in indoor settings (aside from a bunch of exemptions, including airports, public transport, hospitals and care homes).

This prompted Maddow's brain to short circuit as she expressed the difficulty she would have in dispensing with the idea of treating those who don't wear masks as dangerous lepers.

"I'm going to have to rewire my self so that when I see somebody out in the world who's not wearing a mask, I don't instantly think 'you are a threat' or you are selfish or you are a COVID denier and you definitely haven't been vaccinated," said Maddow.


CDC ruling: You no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain

life jacket
© The Babylon Bee
Huzzah! Just stow that thing back in the closet.
The CDC has updated its guidelines and announced that you no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain. The guidelines had been put in place last year during a particularly rainy March, and although many experts had claimed we would just have to wear the life jackets for a couple of weeks, mandates remained in place for well over a year.

But now, even hardcore pro-life jacket agencies like the CDC have admitted it is time to take the life jackets off and go about our lives.

"Look, unfortunately, the rainy season is just about over," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "We had hoped it would last forever, but even we must admit, you no longer have to put a life jacket on when going outside." However, the updated rule only applies to people who have taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site. Still, many say this is progress over the strict and sometimes anti-science position taken by the CDC throughout the flood season.

"But we will still remain vigilant, and life jackets may become a seasonal thing worn every October through April to stay safe."

Despite the updated guidelines, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden freak flash flood hit 0%.

"This is way too soon," said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without life jackets. "Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!" Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would be a massive spike in drownings, but none of those predictions of doom came true. "You're all going to die!" she screamed at passersby as she put a snorkel on.


Biden urges Israel to only use US military aid for 'nice stuff'

Military Aid
© Waterford Whispers
US PRESIDENT Joe Biden has condemned Israeli airstrikes on Palestinians civilians which has resulted in the deaths of children in the strongest possible terms by urging Israel to use its annual US military aid of $3.8bn for 'nice things' only.

"When we gave you that military aid with no strings attached and our implicit support for your human right abuses, illegal occupation and apartheid, we honestly thought you'd use that military aid for something nice like flowers for your soldiers," explained Biden, intent on continuing America's long treasured unconditional support of the indefensible.

With the vast majority of world leaders turning a blind eye to the Israeli government's policy of a thousand eyes for an eye, Israel is free to continue launching 9-hour missile bombardments every time a Palestinian farts, safe in the knowledge only Hamas is to blame, always.


German engineer predicted man named 'Elon' would conquer Mars in 1952 novel

Wernher von Braun
© Evening Standard/Getty Images
Wernher von Braun
Pioneering aerospace engineer and science-fiction writer Wernher von Braun may have predicted Elon Musk's plan to colonize other worlds nearly 70 years ago when he described a man named "Elon" ruling over Mars.

Von Braun created the character "Elon" in his 1952 science fiction novel "Project Mars" — a space fantasy about a mission to Mars, according to a report.

The book's predictions came to light a few years ago, but began trending on social media last week

Von Braun, one of the most important scientists in the development of rocket technology, describes a Martian government led by ten men, who worked under a leader "elected by universal suffrage for five years under the name or title of Elon."

After the Second World War, Von Braun, who worked on rockets for the Nazis, was among a group of German scientists who was secretly moved to the US and worked on the exploration of outer space at NASA.
© Britta Pedersen/Getty Images
SpaceX founder Elon Musk
Musk, the founder of SpaceX, is among a group of billionaires with plans to colonize the Red Planet. His company recently became the first private firm to launch astronauts into space.