Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
"Thanks to the President's wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs," said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. "Our economists ran the numbers and found that's twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!"
"Wow! Thanks, President Biden!" said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. "I'm just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I'll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!"
"Oh wow, he was married?" said normal Canadian woman Jill Thorleaf. "That's nice. Wait -- to a woman? Really?? Huh. Wow. I had no idea. Good for him."
In a brief statement, Trudeau called for privacy as his life crumbles around him. "Please stop asking if Sophie was really a woman," said a tearful Trudeau. "You're hurting my feelings! Sophie is real. She's real! Next person who asks is getting curb stomped by a Mountie!"
A Japanese native has transformed himself into a canine after forking out more than $14,000 for a custom-made collie costume.
The private citizen, who goes only by Toco online, says the unusual garment has helped actualize his dream of "becoming an animal."
Footage shared to Toco's YouTube channel, where he boasts more than 32,000 subscribers, shows him clad in the costume as he frolics on a lawn, rolls on a floor, and plays fetch.
Toco has even uploaded a video of himself venturing out in public as a dog for the very first time.
Bystanders appeared to be in awe of the man's doggy debut as he paraded down a busy street in the viral clip, which has racked up 1.7 million views.
"Why wouldn't anyone want this job?" an exasperated Michelle was heard asking her servant's personal assistant's driver at the Obamas' lavish estate. "Working for us is one of the greatest privileges anyone could experience. As long as you don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong, you'll be well-compensated and you'll get to stay alive! Where's the downside?"
"If you want people to think you're hardcore, you gotta be around Tucker," Cube said after his interview with Carlson was completed. "I've spent a lot of time in Hollywood over the years, and it can be easy to lose some of your edge and make people think you've gone soft. Rollin' through South Central with Tucker Carlson shows everyone I'm still the real deal."
Carlson welcomed not only the chance to interview Ice Cube for his program but also to take the opportunity to lend an air of toughness and menace to his guest's persona. "I'm always happy to help out my homies," Carlson said while drinking his gin and juice. "If anyone has any doubts about my boy Cube, they were put to rest once they saw him riding with me in his car. Everybody knows I don't play. Straight-up."
Eyewitnesses on L.A. streets expressed newfound respect for Ice Cube. "I thought he might just be a guy who acts tough," said one bystander. "After seeing him with Tucker Carlson? Wooo...now I know not to mess with Ice Cube."
At publishing time, Ice Cube was reportedly hoping to collaborate with Carlson on a new hip-hop album set for release early next year.
Comment: A great segment actually:
"Listen up, folks. Here's the deal," Biden said to reporters assembled at the White House, "I made a lot of money by taking bribes from other countries. It was entirely legal except for being totally illegal. To smooth things over, I'm going to give all the bribe money I have left over to a variety of charities. In return, those charities will do me favors. It's a win-win. Noogardinbargits!"
The press pool then stood and cheered, impressed by Biden's extremely generous act.
Though no official list has been released, the charities to which Biden plans on donating the bribe money include prominent left-wing causes, such as green energy and LGBTQ+ activist organizations. "It's important to the President to give this dirty money to dirty organizations," said White House gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "The original intent for this money was to facilitate underhanded, immoral acts, so giving it to these charities will be a way of continuing that legacy. This is truly a heroic move."
When asked if his son, Hunter, will also be donating his bribe money to charity, Joe Biden replied, "Who's Hunter?" The President was then whisked away for his mid-morning nap.
At publishing time, sources confirmed the Biden administration had decided to donate the entire sum to his son's charity foundation.
"I was shocked and saddened by the blatant racism in Aldean's song that condemned violent crime," said CMT President Brian Philips. "Crime is a beloved and noble tradition of BIPOC communities, and to condemn it is to condemn our own black brothers and sisters. I am sorry we ever allowed it to be aired."
Aldean defended himself from the criticism on his Instagram page, saying "What on earth does this have to do with race? I never mentioned race, you guys did! You guys are racist! What's wrong with you people?" Unfortunately, no one read his statement as Instagram soon removed the post.
Industry experts joined in denouncing Aldean. "Most of us secretly agree with him, but it's not cool to say that," said Universal Music Group CEO Cindy Mabe. "So, please don't tell anyone I said that. Hey! Stop writing that down!"
At publishing time, a group of heavily armed Antifa troops was seen outside Aldean's home to teach him a valuable lesson about being against crime.
"One of those suspicious colored fellas used to live here," Biden said to reporters assembled on the White House lawn as he came outside for his morning recess time. "Black folks are always dealing drugs, which is why I pushed so hard to incarcerate them decades ago. Nobody listened. Now, one of them lived here for years. He was a bad dude. Borfarginbinder."
Ever since a white powder that later tested positive for cocaine was discovered in the White House, speculation has run rampant that it may have belonged to President Biden's son, Hunter. "People are trying to say it belonged to my son, but that's an awful thing to say because my son passed away years ago," Biden said. "It's time for us to move on, just like the black fella who lived here before. He doesn't live here anymore, he just calls me up every day and tells me what I need to do. Mint chocolate chip."
"Zoinks! This is humiliating!" said the man, who was wearing a brand-new army-man costume complete with realistic army shoes. "I'm sticking out like a sore thumb here! Why am I the only one not wearing a fancy suit? Didn't the invite say to wear the coolest costumes we can come up with?"
"UGH! So awkward!"
Ever since the Anheuser-Busch brand decided to launch an advertising campaign with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney (and I still can't get over how they chose March Madness to do it), they've been absolutely blasted with criticism and lash back.
It's been bad for Bud Light in every way imaginable. From their sales taking a nosedive to their stock prices taking a hit to getting absolutely roasted on social media, the beer giant hasn't been able to catch a break. And their collapse isn't stopping anytime soon either, as I just recently blogged about how their decline is expected to go into the fall — football season! (Bummer)
Well, to their credit, Bud Light keeps marching along like nothing ever happened and is on an aggressive campaign to win back America's heart. But um, it's not working at all. And that's being nice, it's an outright disaster. Just take their latest tweet for example.
Comment: Should we laugh, or cry?