Welcome to Sott.net
Mon, 18 Jan 2021
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Map

People 2

Biden promises nationwide mask mandate and womandate

biden holding mask
In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan.

"Listen folks-- we all make mistakes. I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a womandate. I have amended and also awomended my plan to include a mask womandate," Biden read off his teleprompter. "We will also be adding a mask non-binarydate, a mask genderqueerdate, a mask two-spiritdate, a mask polygenderdate, and a mask non-binarytrans-speciesdate. More 'dates' will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out."

According to sources, the Biden transition team has grown alarmed at the number of times the word "men" appears in the English language. They have been working around the clock to replace all usages of the word "men" in their plan with the word "women." Unfortunately, it was determined that the word "women" is also problematic, they then replaced the word "women" with "people who menstruate."

"We have a long way to go," said Biden, "but I know that in time we will mend our nation's wounds-- er, I mean, peoplewhomenstruated them."

USA

Biden releases new memoir 'If I Rigged It'

If I rigged It
© Babylon Bee
Wilmington, DE — To commemorate the "completely fair and honest" 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election.

"Listen here, Jack-- I didn't steal the election," said Biden to a group of adoring fans in the press. "But if I had stolen the election, this is how I would have done it. It's real simple, see? My new book will give you all the dirty details!"

Brick Wall

Democrats warn we shouldn't reopen the country until we can be safe from Trump getting credit for a good economy

Nancy Pelosi
While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown early: Trump getting credit for a growing economy.

"Right now, we have record joblessness, and GDP is certainly going to take a huge hit," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "That's exactly what you want in an election year when you're running against an incumbent. If we reverse that too soon, we're basically helping Trump's reelection."

"If we reopen now, it could be an absolute disaster," added Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We could have people in November saying, 'Wow. Things are getting better. Trump is doing a great job.' It's hard to imagine anything worse than that."

Smiley

Fisher-Price is woke! Releases 'My First Peaceful Protest' playset with house you can actually burn down

fisher-price protest toy satire
© Babylon Bee
No word on availability of replacement parts from Fischer-Price
The toy geniuses at Fisher-Price have announced a brand new toy made just for leftist parents and their kids: the My First Peaceful Protest playset. The kid-size clubhouse will come with several varieties of spray paint so kids can tag the tiny building with their own empowering slogans. It will also be made out of cardboard, allowing the cute little tikes to burn the whole thing down if their demands are not met.

"Here at Fisher-Price, we are steadfastly committed to social justice," said toy designer Camden Flufferton. "We need to teach our kids what democracy looks like, and there's no better example of democracy in action than violent vandalism and arson. We hope this new playset will serve as an inspiration for parents wanting to teach their kids how to threaten citizens with violence whenever their demands are not met."

The set will also come with toy televisions, cell phones, jewelry, and clothing, allowing kids to simulate looting before they torch the entire set. The set will be available in stores for $399 because of capitalism.

Experts are questioning the wisdom of this move by Fisher-Price, mainly because people in the target market don't typically have any kids. "We know we'll probably only sell, like, 3 of these," said Flufferton, "but selling them isn't the point. We just need you to know we're on the right side of history."

Gingerbread

San Francisco gets its very own mystery monolith... sorta

gingerbread monlith san francisco
© Alexis Gallagher
A monolith made of gingerbread appeared at the top of Corona Heights Park Friday morning.
A new monolith has mysteriously appeared in San Francisco — although it's perhaps not the kind one may expect if you've been paying attention to the news recently.

Rather than the smooth-sided, metal monolith seen in Utah, and later other parts of the world, San Francisco received a quirkier version. In particular, this monolith seems to be made of ... gingerbread.

Burka

Clever American disguises self as transgender Middle Easterner in hopes of receiving more COVID aid

american funny arab
In order to receive the help they need after the government shut down their businesses and forced them to stay home, many clever Americans have disguised themselves as foreigners in hopes of receiving more COVID aid.

"With this pork-filled spending bill, Congress showed us where their priorities lie," said local out-of-work bartender Darnel Ridders, who cleverly dressed up as a transgender, vaguely Middle Eastern man. "I'm hoping to add to my $600 stimulus by dipping into some of that foreign aid for Middle-Eastern gender programs!"

Other Americans are working hard to snag some of that sweet government cash by disguising themselves as art galleries, bridge projects, and Asian carp fishermen.

"We do what we gotta do to survive," said California local Crush Crusherson, who now identifies as an endangered sea turtle.*

In a stroke of genius, Crusherson's next-door neighbor secured wealth and financial security for his entire family by simply identifying as a congressman.**

"Wish I had thought of that," said Crusherson as he chewed on a squid.

Comment:




Smiley

Jupiter and Saturn issued fines for not obeying social distance rules

jupiter saturn
Astronomers at NASA have fined two planets in our solar system, Saturn and Jupiter, for callously disregarding social distancing rules as their paths cross in the night sky.

"The great conjunction of these two planets in the night sky will be a thing to behold," said NASA scientist Borg Nilsenlarg. "But we highly recommend not beholding it. The science on COVID is still being worked out and we can't predict what awful consequences may follow from these two renegade celestial travelers violating social distancing guidelines."

It is currently not quite clear how a planet can actually be fined, or how a planet can spread COVID, or how a virus can survive on a hostile planetary atmosphere, or how that affects humans on Earth. These concerns were quickly put to rest, however, after Gavin Newsome looked up from his appetizer at French Laundry to yell "SCIENCE!" in a very authoritative-sounding voice.

The U.S. Government has tasked Space Force with collecting the fine from these two planets. The mission is expected to cost 3.2 Trillion dollars, which is the equivalent of about twelve $600 stimulus checks.

Light Sabers

Sci-Fi fan surprised to learn he hates strong female characters

sci-fi fan
Avid science fiction fan, Gavin Green, hates all women, opposes equality, and is someone who can't handle strong female characters in movies. This is according to reports from social media commenters and intersectionality experts who found evidence of Gavin's incorrect thoughts on Twitter and made sure to leave comments to let him know.

"Gavin just can't handle strong female characters. He needs to get over it. No one is going back to the 1950's where women were just expected to wait around for men to save them and be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," wrote one Twitter user with pronouns 'he/him'.

This comment, among many other similar ones, was in response to Gavin's incorrect tweet at 11:43pm which went viral last Friday when he wrote, "I just rewatched The Last Jedi and, yep, I still don't like it, but I'm glad other people do."

Smiley

It's over: In blow to Biden transition, Trump reveals he has obtained the Darksaber

Trump dark saber
© The Babylon Bee
In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden's transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat.

"This is it. Democracy is over," wept Brian Stelter during a segment of his smash-hit news show Reliable Sources. "Is there no one with the courage to step up and face this evil monster and his awesome lightsaber? I would face Trump, but I have to wash my hair tonight, otherwise, I would totally fight him."

According to legend, the Darksaber was crafted by President George Washington at the dawn of America's founding. In unearthed writings from the founding father, he said: "We used the saber to unify the people and strike down those who would oppose us. I drove out the redcoats and smote their ruin upon the battlefield wielding this blade. Anyone who wields it shall be automatically president forever until a worthy challenger can take it from him."

"I'll take that dumb sword away from him!" exclaimed Biden. "I defeated Corn Pop and I can defeat this clown!" Biden lept from his easy chair to get his shoes on, but he tripped on the little wood transition between the carpet and the kitchen floor and broke his hip.

Trump has vowed to retain the Darksaber until he is ready to pass it down to America's next king, Donald Trump Jr.

Smiley

California mulling tax on breathing

gavin newsom

Gavin Newsom: "Oxygen is a privilege"
The California legislature unveiled plans last week for a new tax on the privilege of breathing.

The "Check Your Oxygen Privilege Act" will be voted on later this week. If passed into law, Californians will pay a progressive tax on inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, with wealthier residents paying as much as 40% of their income for every breath they take. The poorest tax bracket may receive a subsidy for their breaths under the new model.

"Once again, California is at the forefront of progress," Governor Gavin Newsom said in a press conference Monday. "We've talked about taxing text messages, vehicle mileage, sneezing, sleeping, and your very existence, and this was the logical next step." The government has reportedly developed special breathing meters to help implement the bill, should it pass. Californians will be forced to purchase the meters from the state and wear them at all times to ensure accurate measurement of the amount of air they're using.

At publishing time, California had unveiled a tax on taxes, charging residents a luxury tax for the privilege of being taxed.