Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


DC police say they may never discover who left bag of cocaine labeled 'Property of H. Biden' at White House

Property of H Biden
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, interim DC Police Chief Ashan Benedict said that while they have top investigators on the case, they may never know exactly who left a bag of cocaine labeled "Property of H. Biden" in the White House while Hunter Biden was there.

"Listen, this is a difficult case to solve," said Benedict to reporters. "The initial 'H' could be anyone. Hank, Herman, Harry... the possibilities are endless. We will do our best to solve this, but we need the American people to know that this extraordinarily difficult case might just be unsolvable forever."


Biden promise to restore decency in White House fulfilled as crack found was of 'highest quality'

joe biden cocaine satire
Only the best for the White House family
Joe Biden's pledge during the 2020 Presidential Election to restore decency and integrity to the White House has been fulfilled, as testing revealed the cocaine found on the premises this week was truly of the highest quality.

"It is this administration's policy to maintain the highest standards," said Karine Jean-Pierre, a black gay White House Press Secretary who made history as a gay person who is black and works as the White House Press Secretary. "The American people deserve to feel confident that any cocaine found within the presidential residence will only be of the very finest kind."

Word spread quickly after a substance discovered at the White House tested positive as cocaine. With suspicions immediately raised that the presence of the cocaine happened to coincide with the President's son, Hunter, staying at the White House, the administration sought to quickly change the subject from the owner of the cocaine to its level of quality.

"We all saw what the previous administration did to this country," Jean-Pierre continued. "Low gas prices. Low unemployment. Affordable houses. Peace in the Middle East. A prosperous economy. Strength in the military and at the border. A veritable laundry list of things we had to correct when we took control of the country. You can be sure that if any cocaine were found here under Trump's watch, it would have been some shoddy stuff that likely has baking soda or talcum powder cut into it. Shameful. This administration only allows the purest Colombian blow."

At publishing time, former President Donald Trump had been notified that he may be facing new indictments for the cocaine found at the Biden White House.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


Dems devastated as Supreme Court bans robbing the poor

us supreme court
Leftists are devastated this morning after the Supreme Court passed down a new ruling that will ban robbing those who didn't attend college to pay for the expensive and useless degrees of those who did.

"If the useless poor can't pay for my $300,000 Diversity and Belonging Doctorate degree, what good are they?" said Dr. Mikayla Barnes, a local Starbucks shift manager. "What am I supposed to do now? Work more? I'm ruined!"

Sources say this tragic ruling will adversely affect the lives of thousands of feminists who will no longer be able to afford blue hair dye, and may now have to find a rich man to marry them. "How could the poors be so coldhearted to our suffering?" said Barnes. "Curse you, Clarence Thomas!"

At publishing time, Democrats had been rocked by further tragedy as SCOTUS ruled you can't force Christians to do gay stuff.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


Source of Canadian Wildfires found: "Russia done did it!!"

canada wildfires
"See, that's Russia just over yonder! It must be them Ruskies fault!"
Allegations put Russia at the centre of the controversy

While it may not be obvious to some, there are those who believe that Russia is behind the wildfires now raging across Eastern Canada.

Intelligence experts have indicated that there is a strong possibility that Russia is testing their ability to bring down our electric grid and bring the war in Ukraine to America's shores.

Security analysts estimates suggest that this was an "proof of concept " according to one official familiar with the matter. "It sure isn't that global warming bullshit. Something far more unprecedented and insidious is going on" he added.

The accusations are not without foundation.

Comment: Ric's illuminating bio:
Quotes bring Insight into the Deranged Mind of the Author RIC MARSHALL
"I thought it might be cathartic; a way to get these thoughts out of my head without surgery. That and my stone tablets were delayed."
The author, Ric Marshall, from his basement in Edmonton, Alberta, old, more ugly than handsome, swashbuckling doesn't even come up, on why he started this site
"A kink in the artery to the pineal gland. Or the corpus callosum. At this point I know not which."
The author, during a lucid bathroom break, once again failing to describe why he started this site
"I don't know.It's a bit of a fog. I was really drunk at the time."
"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a flame to be kindled."
"The mind is a terrible thing to waste. I will do my best."
The author, who should have left it to Plutarch
"There comes a time when you have to be honest, have to face your personal demons, have to throw away all your preconceptions and a priori visions of the world around you.

Fortunately, that time is not yet upon us."
The author, being really, really philosophical
"Before I was born, I helped my father build our house, but I never knew my mother, she left home before I was born."
The author, updating his bio
"I feel a responsibility to those not as fortunate as I, so my next website will be in Braille".
The author, the webmaster, the wannabe
"Maybe the voices in my head are real, maybe they aren't; they have some pretty good ideas".
The author, exposing his muses with questionable syntax
"Why does nobody read this crap? I'll tell you why. The right, and the left, are working together to shut me down.

I think I am going to call the Internet and give them a piece of my mind."
The author, continuing his plans for world domination. One hopes the piece of his mind he gives "the Internet" isn't that large; he is almost out.


Trump, Kennedy struck down by 'magic bullet'

Experts say improbable trajectory was purely coincidental.
Magic Bullet
© Kevin’s Newsletter
The simultaneous assassinations of leading 2024 presidential contenders Donald J. Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. have stunned the nation. Perhaps inevitably, conspiracy theories have been circulating on social media almost as fast as they can be removed by trust-and-safety experts.

All scientists and fact-checkers agree that those conspiracy theories are baseless and unsubstantiated. According to ballistics experts, the bullet that traversed Trump's skull at Mar-a-Lago, turned 180 degrees, and traveled over 2500 miles to Malibu, California, shattering RFK Jr.'s kitchen window and penetrating his chest, has been recovered from a stretcher and subjected to painstaking analysis. That bullet, it turns out, was fired from one of the worst rifles ever manufactured by a mediocre marksman crouched in the window of the School Book Depository building in Dallas, Texas. The lone assassin — a Palestinian anti-vaxxer and anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist named Sirhan Oswald Sirhan — hated Trump and Kennedy because they loved Israel.

Light Sabers

Musk picks location for 'cage match' with Zuckerberg

cage fighter
Twitter owner and Tesla CEO Elon Musk and Facebook parent Meta Platforms CEO Mark Zuckerberg may meet in Las Vegas for a high-profile "cage match."

The two billionaires have been exchanging barbs on social media throughout the past week, over Zuckerberg's plans to launch a Twitter rival. The tete-a-tete began with Musk's reply to a tweet from Mario Nawfal from International Blockchain Consulting on June 20, who wrote "META to Release 'Twitter Rival' Called THREADS."

Threads will reportedly be a standalone, text-based social network app that Meta plans to launch through Instagram to challenge Twitter.

Musk responded to the tweet with: "I'm sure Earth can't wait to be exclusively under Zuck's thumb with no other options. At least it will be 'sane.' Was worried there for a moment."


Joe Rogan savagely bullies scientist by inviting him on podcast to explain his position

joe rogan hotes vaccines rfk
Joe Rogan and Dr. Peter Hotez
In a brazen and shameful example of brutal cyberbullying, podcast host Joe Rogan has invited pro-vaccine health expert Doctor Peter Hotez to come on his show and explain his position to millions of listeners.

"We've seen inexcusable behavior from Rogan before, but this, frankly, is beyond the pale," said MSNBC Health Correspondent Samir Monkiypax. "The honorable Dr. Hotez is too pure to debase himself before a podcast audience by sharing his expertise regarding vaccine safety. Now he must deal with the unspeakable trauma of being invited on Joe Rogan's show. How could you, Joe Rogan?!"

Sources say Dr. Hotez has been forced into hiding due to the constant, terrifying harassment of Joe Rogan inviting him on his show. "My life is ruined," said Hotez to reporters from a secure location. "When you bully me, you're bullying science. How heartless do you have to be to bully science?"

Sources report Rogan has doubled down on his sadistic persecution of Hotez by confirming he has an open invitation to share his vast knowledge with the world any time he wants.

At publishing time, Rogan had claimed another bullying victim after asking that one elk meat guy to come on the show and talk about elk meat again.



Hunter negotiates 12% for The Big Guy as Father's Day gift

Hunter Joe biden father's day
© The Babylon Bee
In a touching Father's Day gesture, Hunter Biden has negotiated for twelve percent of incoming bribes from foreign governments to go to his Dad.

"It means the world to me," said an emotional President Biden. "Well, more accurately, it means about $2.3 million in my bank account."

According to White House sources, Hunter wanted to do something extra special this year to show President Biden how much he appreciated being shielded from DOJ investigations. "Dad really came through this year," said Hunter. "I literally handed the FBI a film of myself committing felonies, and not a peep. I don't know how he does it, that doddering old weirdo! Anyhow, 'The Big Guy' has earned himself an extra two percent of my bribery -- er, consulting money."

Hunter Biden will also reportedly take his father out for a nice Father's Day lunch at the Han Palace. "It will be nice to have a quiet lunch with just me, Dad, and several high-level members of the Chinese Communist Party," said Hunter. "I did request they bring in some different waitresses for our lunch though. Last time it was super disappointing - nothing but yellows."

At publishing time, President Biden had declined a Father's Day call from one of his grandkids, as he wasn't sure if it was from the one he pretends doesn't exist.


"We're free" - Dozens of scantily clad young women flee Berlusconi villa

We're Free
© Waterford Whispers
JUST moments after the death of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi Italian rescue services have reported a mass exodus of what appear to be young scantily clad women fleeing his estately home in Arcore near Milan, WWN has learned.

"Some of these women are in their late teens which suggests they may have been held captive for years," a police spokesman told WWN, "many of the women had very little clothes on and were screaming 'we're finally free' as they sprinted out of Berlusconi's San Martino villa this morning".


Trump indicted for keeping classified documents at Mar-A-Lago instead of somewhere secure - like the trunk of a Corvette

trump biden  classified documents corvette satire
© The Babylon Bee
Former President Donald Trump has officially been indicted by the federal government on seven counts of not storing highly classified documents in his garage behind a corvette.

"Mr. Trump had these documents securely stored in a closet instead of strewn about the garage. Straight to jail," said Merrick Garland. "Trump's failure to haphazardly toss Top Secret documents behind a car is nothing short of treasonous."

For his part, Mr. Trump has denied all wrongdoing. "I hide all my classified documents behind the best, most beautiful cars at Mar-A-Lago," said Mr. Trump. "Corvettes are for the poors. Do I look like a poor? Ha! I would never put Top Secret documents behind anything cheaper than a McLaren! What a rube!"

At publishing time, the DOJ announced they would also indict Trump for making a deal with Ukraine without his son receiving millions of dollars in bribes.