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Wed, 06 Dec 2023
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Biden calls for two weeks of not cooking on gas stoves to 'flatten the curve'

biden gas stoves satire

"Just don't use, ya know, the thing!"
President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve".

"It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!"

In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the Biden administration has also recommended social distancing from gas stoves for the foreseeable future. "After the two weeks, if you must cook on a gas stove, we recommend doing so from a safe distance of six feet," said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "We advise all kitchens be marked six feet from the gas stove, and ingredients be lobbed at your pans from that safe distance. The science on this is settled. All of these precautions should be continued until Moderna comes out with their brand-new gas stove vaccine."

While many Americans have heeded the President's call, the administration has expressed deep frustration at the stubborn refusal of Republican-leaning areas. "We have to have consequences for people who refuse to follow the science, and risk the lives of others by continuing to cook with gas," said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "The first step ought to be a stove passport, which only allows those with electric stoves to participate in society. If that's not sufficient, then we must refuse hospital beds to those who brought sickness on themselves with their ignorant choice of stove."

At publishing time, the Biden administration had extended the two week timeframe to whenever the next President is sworn in.


Biden says he's unaware of any classified docs, or who he is, or why he's sitting in this oval-shaped office

biden oval office

I have a job?
After another trove of classified documents was found at Biden's residence, Biden defended himself by claiming he is unaware of any classified documents, or who he is, or why he's sitting in an oval-shaped office.

"Seriously Jill, what's going on here? This isn't a joke!" cried an outraged Biden to a nearby potted plant that looked somewhat like Jill Biden. "Why is everyone asking me about documents? What kind of an office has walls with no corners? WHERE IS BARACK?!"

Aides then began their morning ritual of briefing the President on the details of the scandal as well as the scheduled meetings for the day and who Joe Biden is. "Sir, they found more documents in locked in your garage," said one advisor. "Are there any other documents we should know about?"

"...Sir? What is that you have in your hand? Sir?"

Aides then tackled the President and pried a piece of paper marked "Top Secret" out of his hand just as he attempted to stuff the whole thing in his mouth.

At publishing time, the scandal erupted again after Biden was seen blowing his nose into another classified document.


'California is the state of freedom,' says man who locked everyone in their homes for 2 years

Gavin Newsom

California Governor Gavin Newsom
In an inspiring speech intended to boost the pride of the state's remaining residents, Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be "the state of freedom," despite the fact that he locked down businesses, churches, skate parks, paddleboarders, and pretty much everything else while locking everyone in their homes for 2 years.

"There is no state in the nation, indeed no place on the face of the earth, where you can enjoy as much personal freedom as you can right here in the Golden State," Newsom said in the speech. "With the exception of going to the gym, eating at a restaurant, getting your hair cut, or even having the right to leave your own home, California is synonymous with liberty! 12-year-olds can get gender surgery here!"

Critics were quick to point to Newsom's track record of oppressive measures that exceeded those put in place by most other states throughout the country. "Freedom? Freedom?! I don't think Newsom even knows what the word means!" said long-time California resident Gheorghe Rosca. "The guy violated nearly every Constitutional right we have for nearly two years. He wouldn't know freedom if it sat next to him at The French Laundry!"

Rosca was then escorted away by California authorities for questioning.

When asked for comment on the flaming ball of hypocrisy that was his speech, Newsom was undeterred. "California is the brightest shining example of freedom in the entire country," Newsom said defiantly. "And anyone who disagrees with me will pay dearly in a variety of painful ways."

At publishing time, Newsom was reported to be considering a renewal of heavy lockdown policies while simultaneously making reservations for himself at a series of posh California restaurants.

Penis Pump

Brigitte Macron backed an 'erect phallus with golden balls' as the new spire for Notre Dame cathedral, France's former culture minister claims

brigitte macron

Brigitte Macron proposed a 'phallus with golden balls' as the new spire for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, the former culture minister has claimed
Brigitte Macron proposed an 'erect phallus with golden balls' as the new spire for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, the former culture minister has claimed.

Roselyne Bachelot, 76, recounted in her memoirs how she was shocked when the First Lady presented her risqué plans for the iconic landmark over lunch.

After fire ravaged the iconic gothic cathedral in 2019, Emmanuel Macron held an international competition to redesign the spire and roof.


Experts say they don't know what thing is causing suddenly collapse, but it's definitely not that one thing

Health Experts!
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure. Despite their uncertainty, experts do feel confident that we can rule out that one thing as the culprit.

"It's too early to say what could be causing this, but it's never too early to say what isn't causing this," said local expert, Dr. Scott Rufflinger. "This could be caused by anything. But the one thing we know for certain is that it's definitely not what we're all thinking that's behind this — if you know what I mean. We can go ahead and rule that thing out right now because Science just called us on the phone and told us not to discuss it. We always follow Science."


Biden declares the southern border as secure as America's elections

biden texas borders migrants
Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation's southern border is every bit as secure as America's elections.

"Listen, folks. There's nothing to worry about here at the southern border," Biden said to the assembled press after touring a portion of the border that had been cleared of migrants prior to his arrival. "Everything happening down here at our border with Mexico is just as safe, secure, and rock-solid as our election system. Butterscotch."

Critics had long complained about the Biden administration's lack of attention in securing the southern border, as hundreds of thousands of undocumented migrants have continued to flow into the country from Mexico. Cartel crime, human rights abuses, and ever-growing concerns about the drug trade throughout the region have run rampant with seemingly few steps taken by the government to improve security.

"Our border is as many borders are: welcoming," said Vice President Kamala Harris, Biden's chosen "Border Czar" when reached for comment. "And when someone is welcome, they are welcomed as they are, and as they will be. And have been. Welcoming is good."

Former President Donald Trump seized the opportunity to criticize Biden. "I finally agree with Sleepy Joe Biden on something," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Our borders are just as secure as our elections, which is to say NOT AT ALL. Total disgrace! Sad!"

At publishing time, Biden had already departed the border and was on his way back to Washington, D.C., where he had been promised some veggie straws and fruit snacks before his afternoon nap.


Coal miner feels 'really sorry' for congressmen having to do all this hard work lately

coal miner
Local coal miner Don Billings has expressed deep sympathy for Congressmen having to work such long hours lately.

"Wow, four days in a row of sitting there eating takeout?" said Mr. Billings, his voice filled with compassion. "Boy, am I sorry to hear that."

News of Congress' brutal working conditions had reached Mr. Billings during a brief respite while a mine shaft was being repaired. "They came back to work in the evening after a four-hour dinner?" asked Mr. Billings in awe. "That is some kind of commitment. I sure do hope they get a nice long weekend after all that sitting around drinking."

Across the nation, Congress saw an outpouring of support over the remarkable hours they were putting in. "Four straight days of actually being at the place they work, sitting there. What heroes," said local telephone lineman Michael McGee. "I even heard they had trouble getting DoorDash to deliver, so a few had to send their aides to run across the street to pick up Chipotle. I really feel for them."

At publishing time, the coal miners were deeply relieved to hear Congress had resumed destroying coal miners' lives during their normal business hours.


Nation in shock as politicians show up to work 4 days in a row

Congress floor representatives
The nation is in shock today following reports of representatives in Congress showing up to work for the 4th day in a row. Sources in Washington say this may be a new record, as most members of the House are used to showing up maybe once or twice per month while spending most of their time drinking cocktails with lobbyists and talking to CNN. Medical personnel has been dispatched to the Capitol Building to tend to any elderly reps in attendance, who aren't used to working this hard, while experts warn many of them may not last through today's grueling 5-hour workday.

The House is expected to adjourn early today for the sake of any at-risk senior citizens.


Adam Kinzinger's mom lets him open one Jan 6th present in Jan 6th eve

kinsinger christmas present satire
© The Babylon Bee
Adam Kinzinger
Witnesses reported seeing former U.S. Representative Adam Kinzinger sob with delight after his mom allowed him to open one Jan 6th present on Jan 6th Eve.

The gift he opened was a tissue box.

"Thanks, Mommy, this is the best Jan 6th Eve ever!" yelled Kinzinger as he ran around the house in tearful delight while wearing his fuzzy pajamas with little rhinos printed on them. "I can't wait to see what else Old Nana Pelosi will leave under the holy guardrail tonight!"
Adam kinsinger cry

The perfect present for Kinzinger's office
While not all religious groups recognize January 6th as a holy day, some families — the Kinzingers for example — claim the holiday represents an event bigger than Christmas, the Civil War, or Earth's creation a few thousand years ago.

While Adam Kinzinger reportedly spent the rest of the sacred evening singing Jan 6th hymns he'd written himself, dozens of other devotees across the nation celebrated with their own, distinctive fervor. The Cheneys, for example, spent the evening pretending to be President of the United States.

At publishing time, reports had flooded in from fully-grown adults across the U.S. who swore they saw Old Nana Pelosi riding her lectern across the sky, wishing everyone a somber January 6th.


Republican approval rating at all-time high after bringing Congress to grinding halt

congress satire

Congress on their tenth round of voting for Speaker and counting . . . . .
In an unexpected turn of events, congressional Republicans saw their approval ratings soar to an all-time high after bringing Congress to a grinding halt while the battle to determine the Speaker of the House dragged on.

"This isn't something we thought would happen," said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, one of the lawmakers responsible for the impasse. "But now we're a hit with voters and we're holding back the swamp? We'll take any positive results we can get."

Though establishment Republicans warned of the backlash the small group of holdouts may face as they stood in the way of progress, voters instead rejoiced that Congress was unable to conduct its business. "What are we really missing out on?" asked concerned citizen Josiah Smith. "Sending more money to Ukraine? Forming 'investigative committees' that do a bunch of talking and accomplish nothing? If holding up the speaker vote keeps all of that normal stuff from happening, I'm all for it!"

An irate Kevin McCarthy was reportedly seen throwing a temper tantrum in the halls outside his office after failing to win the speakership on the fourth ballot. "It's not fair!" McCarthy whined. "It's my turn! It's my turn!"

At publishing time, the House Freedom Caucus looked to be holding strong and was prepared to force as many votes as would be necessary to force McCarthy out of the running. Other backup plans included nominating other candidates, including one of the Capitol janitors, an Über driver found outside the building, or forgotten 1980s actor Andrew McCarthy.

Comment: Aaaaand just to make it even more fun:

Apparently according to the rules, the Speaker need only be someone who gathers enough votes in Congress for the position, with no need to be an elected member.

So, totally legit!