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Mon, 24 Jan 2022
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CIA replaces waterboarding with 12-hour lectures on intersectional feminism

cia torture
According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

"Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective," said the anonymous source. "But that's been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we'll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola's diversity training on a 12-hour loop."

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.

Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.

Comment: Probably not that far from the truth:


Biden relocates 20,000 National Guard troops to inner cities to snipe menthol cigarettes out of people's mouths

menthol smoking
Biden has announced he will finally relocate the 20,000 National Guard troops who have been stationed in D.C. since January. Their new mission will be to infiltrate America's inner cities and shoot menthol cigarettes out of the mouths of unsuspecting smokers.

"Listen, folks-- we gotta do something about these incredibly refreshing and smooth menthol cigarettes," said Biden. "The poor kids like 'em way more than white kids do. Like my Great-Aunt Millie used to say: 'If you don't like menthols, you ain't black!' We have to protect black health. Gotta do it."

Sharpshooters from the Guard will be sent to urban centers like Chicago, Baltimore, and New York, and posted outside carry-outs and gas stations.

"If you so much as raise a menthol to your lips, our trained soldiers will take care of it with their sniper rifles!" said Biden, who went on to say: "Gotta put one, put one on the train and watch it go around. It can't. It can't go around 'cause the pudding is too runny for the Chamber of Commerce to fix the crankshaft... anyway... gotta get rid of the black people cigarettes, folks."

Soldiers will also be trained in advanced take-down techniques to subdue any menthol offenders. BLM and the ACLU have applauded the move and have welcomed increased enforcement of their cities as long as it's not done by the local police.


Study finds anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly

masked people
A new study found that anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly.

The study looked at thousands of Americans still wearing masks and thousands who have long since thrown away all their masks. The findings were conclusive: the vast majority of people who still choose to wear a mask everywhere they go were much uglier than those who are currently blessing the world by letting everyone see their beautiful faces.

"Look, the vaccine is out there, numbers are way down, your risk of dying is very, very low -- if you're still wearing a mask at this point, let's be honest: you probably have a very homely face," said Dr. Vance Ryder, a very handsome doctor not wearing a mask. "You might have what we call a 'face for radio' in the business, if you know what I'm saying."


Dems committed to utterly destroying black man's optimism about race relations

Senator Tim Scott
In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

"Look, black people are great and all, but they aren't allowed to disagree with us," explained Senator Chuck Schumer. "It's pretty simple. Any black person who has the nerve to disagree with us is just a dumb puppet for white people. Or, as our great President once said, they aren't even black! Now, we need liberals everywhere to remind Senator Scott that America is terrible and there is simply no way for black people to succeed without the graces of kindly Democrats. Leftist mob - assembllllllllle!"

White progressives answered the bell, crashing the airwaves with messages touting their unmatched racism. "How could a silly Senator say something like that?" laughed Jimmy Kimmel as he finished cleaning off his blackface. "I know so much more about racism than a black man from the South, especially one whose grandparents picked cotton. Don't worry, I'll perform a hilarious monologue for white liberals about how dumb it is for a black man to think our country is good - that will really put him back in his place!"


CDC now recommends wearing a seat belt even when you're outside the car

seat belt
The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

"This guidance is especially important if you're in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event," said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. "Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!"

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that's not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying "SHUT UP IT'S SCIENCE!"


Biden wore mask during zoom call in case COVID had mutated into a computer virus

Zoom Conference
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was seen wearing a mask in a climate summit with world leaders, despite his being vaccinated and despite the conference being virtual and held over Zoom. This has made some wonder if Biden even understands how a virus works, but Biden says he's just being cautious.

"We can't let our guard down just because we're vaccinated and alone in a room," Biden told reporters with a megaphone while standing twenty feet away. "See, there is this little thing called a 'computer virus.' Ha, I bet you thought I was some out-of-touch boomer who doesn't know about computers. Well, for one thing, I'm too old to be a boomer -- I'm the generation before that -- and I've used typewriters since I was a kid -- which is a lot like a computer before you attach the TV. So I know all about computers, and they get viruses. Maybe COVID. Who knows? Better to wear a mask around them."


LA homeless man feels unsafe as limos full of drug addicts and perverts show up in his neighborhood

homeless man hollywood
© The Babylon Bee
Hobo Hank is a friendly guy by all accounts, whether he's asking for change outside the 7-Eleven or debating philosophy with a parking meter. But Hank says his corner outside the Oscars is really starting to go downhill, as a bunch of shady drug addicts and alcoholics showed up this afternoon and apparently plan to be there all evening.

"This neighborhood is really going downhill," Hank said as another limousine arrived packed with people of the lowest moral caliber. "I was just minding my own business hanging out with Stabbin' Steve and Murderin' Carl, and the next thing you know, all these shifty-looking people start showing up in town. What is the world coming to when you can't shoot up a little heroin in peace?"

"I'm even starting to worry my cardboard box is really going to lose its value."

Hank's cardboard box is valued at $1.5 million according to Zillow, but he says that value will drop fast if these drug addicts and sexually immoral people don't leave town soon.

"This place ain't what it used to be, I tell you what," he told his pigeon.


Chicago Police now required to ask for criminals' consent before arresting them

lori lightfoot chicago mayor

Chicago's Mayor Lori Lightfoot
Mayor Lori Lightfoot has announced new rules for the Chicago Police Department, declaring that officers must ask for a suspect's consent before arresting him or her.

While the city had previously announced that police officers would have to ask for permission from headquarters before chasing criminals, Lightfoot said that initiative didn't go far enough to address inequality in police work. Permission, she says, really should be sought from the criminal rather than the police station when putting anyone in custody.

"Before our officers arrest any criminal, they will have to ask the criminal's permission," said Lightfoot. "To do otherwise would be to violate the criminal's rights as he beats someone up, shoots another human, or burgles homes and business."

"This is community policing at its finest, where the criminal is always right."

Police will have to get a permission slip signed by the criminal, ask them about their feelings, and inform them that they have the right to leave at any time for any reason at all. Should the criminal decide they would like to continue committing crimes instead of being arrested, the police officer will be forced to apologize and pay reparations for offending the victim.


BLM founder reminds everyone justice won't fully be served until she can buy a 5th house

blm leader new house
After Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three counts, the crowds outside the courthouse breathed a sigh of relief and began to celebrate.

"Wait! Not so fast!" said BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors to the crowds. "We have more work to do! We haven't really achieved justice! We must not stop until I can afford to buy a 5th house! Er-- I mean, until we dismantle all the systems or whatever!"

"Chant with me now! No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace!"


Dungeons & Dragons players rejoice! New 100-Sided die issued for determining your character's gender

dungeons and dragons die character gender
© The Babylon Bee
In a bold move for inclusivity, Wizards of the Coast announced today that all copies of the Dungeons & Dragons starter set will include a special D100 for determining your character's gender.

"Not sure if your Half-Orc Paladin is a demiboy or agender? Just roll this handy new die," said a WOTC rep. "It makes character creation fast, fun, and streamlined. And don't worry -- if you don't like your gender, just roll it again, no questions asked. In fact, you can do that at any point during the game without even consulting your DM. Change at any time."

"See, when you're playing a game that was designed for players to go raid dungeons, get loot, and kill dragons, the important thing is that you spend 14 hours trying to determine your character's sexuality, gender, sex, and political positions," he continued. "That's what made this hobby so popular: screeching leftists on Tumblr, and we have to cater to these hardcore fans."

A revised copy of the Player Handbook contains rules for using the die. All players must select one of the hundred genders upon creating their character. "Men" and "women" are, of course, not included out of sensitivity to non-binary folk. Any PC that refers to another PC as the wrong gender will instantly be killed by a falling meteor. Then, the player controlling that character is subject to cancelation in the real world.

Wizards also confirmed that the sixth edition of Dungeons & Dragons will include a D1000 for selecting your character's pronouns.