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Awkwardness ensues when mourners at Jimmy Carter funeral place flowers on Biden instead


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 09 Jan 2025 17:37 UTC
carter funeral biden flowers satire
© The Babylon BeeConfused mourners place flowers on corpse-like Biden at Jimmy Carter funeral
The solemnity of former President Jimmy Carter's funeral was slightly marred earlier this morning when a few confused mourners accidentally placed flowers on Biden.

According to eyewitnesses, the mistaken mourners seem to have confused the dead former president with the unmoving, unblinking, statuesque Biden.

"There had been a line going up at the Cathedral to put flowers on Jimmy," said Vivian Glecker, a White House staffer. "And a few of the people in line accidentally stopped to start laying flowers on Biden instead. One of them even tried to close his eyes. It got really awkward after they split up into two lines, with one going to each president to pay their respects. It was touching, I guess, though it took Secret Service kind of a while to sort things out."

Reports from the Washington Cathedral state that the misunderstanding was eventually corrected, though Jill Biden had to be rescued from a partial avalanche of roses that had spilled over from the pile mounting atop Biden.

"It was fitting, in a way, you know?" asked Keith Simmons, a member of the general public who attended the funeral. "Carter always was the sort of guy who could name fifty parts of a flower's anatomy, but never got flowers."

At publishing time, Biden had gotten up to deliver some remarks and accidentally eulogized himself instead of Carter.
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X

Guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announces Facebook will stop suppressing free speech


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 08 Jan 2025 03:38 UTC
Cyborg
© The Babylon Bee
PALO ALTO, CA — Social media users rejoiced today as in an initiative to fight back against censorship, the guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announced that Facebook would stop suppressing free speech.

Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg released a video statement outlining the upcoming changes that would be made to content restriction policies on Facebook and Instagram, revealing that Facebook would stop suppressing all the free speech he had previously insisted wasn't being suppressed on Facebook.

"This is a major shift toward no longer doing the things I said we weren't doing," Zuckerberg said in the statement. "While we never suppressed free speech and expression at Facebook, we felt that the election of 2024 was a cultural pivot point that made it clear that we had to stop suppressing free speech and expression. Even though we absolutely never did it, starting now, we're going to stop doing it."
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Smiley

FBI pleads with X users: 'Please stop solving crimes before we do'


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 04 Jan 2025 17:23 UTC
satire new orleans truck attack
"Please stop embarrassing the FBI!"
In a formal statement, the FBI has called on Internet sleuths, particularly X users, to please stop solving crimes before they have a chance to do so.

The statement comes just hours after X users discovered all suspects and motives related to the recent terror attacks in New Orleans and Las Vegas.

The statement reads in part:
"It is in the public interest that all X users stop solving crimes immediately. Solving crime is the responsibility of the federal government and local law enforcement. If we do not solve crimes first, we cannot control the narrative, and that's important for national security reasons we cannot discuss at this time."
"You're going to put us all out of a job," said FBI Director Christopher Wray, commenting on the public statement. "We're supposed to be the ones solving crimes. Please stop demonstrating how useless we are."

As an incentive, the FBI is promising not to raid anyone who complies. "All you have to do is not report on suspects, observe obvious connections to other crimes, or complain when we prosecute parents of school-aged children," a spokesman for the bureau explained. "You scratch our back, we leave your back alone. Get it?"

At publishing time, the FBI had prosecuted an X user for interfering with a cover-up.
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Smiley

People controlling Biden whine that 'Elon is controlling Trump!'


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 20 Dec 2024 22:11 UTC
alex soros and Kamala harris
Elon Musk's involvement in this week's failure by Congress to pass a continuing resolution to fund the government ignited outraged speculation that he may be pulling the strings and controlling President-elect Donald Trump, with the most pointed criticism coming from the behind-the-scenes power players who have been controlling President Joe Biden's every policy decision for the past four years.

Upon news of the bill's failure, Alex Soros — son of billionaire George Soros — posted his displeasure on social media, expressing concern that all the work he had accomplished while controlling Biden would be undone by the moves Musk was making while controlling Trump.

"Elon is controlling Trump!" Soros said on X. "No billionaire should hold the power to influence the incoming leader of the free world to make decisions that counter the power we have to influence the current leader of the free world. Something has to be done to stop this. But only for presidents we don't like."

With only a month until Trump's inauguration, Democrat leaders warned that Trump's age may make it easy for Musk to manipulate him. "It's dangerous and unconstitutional for some billionaire businessman to hold so much sway over a president," said Biden's White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important lunch with Alex Soros to receive marching orders for President Biden's last month in office."

At publishing time, politicians and members of the media had still not decided what to call Musk's unprecedented petitioning of Congress, though some were unofficially referring to it by using the more familiar term "lobbying."

Comment: Bonus holiday Bee!


Merry Christmas to all!

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Wine n Glass

Nancy Pelosi hospitalized with dangerously low blood alcohol level


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 14 Dec 2024 15:40 UTC
Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi
According to eyewitnesses at the Grand Duke's palace, Nancy Pelosi was rushed to the hospital earlier today after her blood alcohol level plunged dangerously.

Sources say that the Democrat representative is now in stable condition, having downed several vodka tonics and three glasses of wine since the incident.

"We almost lost her," said Dr. Johann Warstein, who has been caring for Pelosi since she was hospitalized earlier today. "Ms. Pelosi skipped her usual four morning screwdrivers, then accidentally drank too much water over lunch. Her blood alcohol levels, normally around 50%, plunged to almost legal levels. If not for the quick actions of our emergency personnel to get a fifth of vodka in her bloodstream, we may be having a different conversation. It was touch and go."

Condolences and casks of alcohol have poured into the Luxembourg hospital where Pelosi is staying overnight, in a heartwarming effort to keep Pelosi safely sloshed. Initial reports note that the doctors have graciously tried some of the gifts themselves so that they can make sure the alcohol content is high enough for Rep. Pelosi.

At publishing time, doctors had outfitted Pelosi with one of those beer hats to ensure she always had a steady supply of alcohol at the ready.
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Smiley

Wellness check called in on Elon Musk after he doesn't post on X for over 17 minutes


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 13 Dec 2024 14:40 UTC
musk post twitter satire
© The Babylon BeeMusk's minutes-long silence on his platform sparked followers' concern about his wellbeing.
Friends called police and requested to have officers conduct a wellness check on Elon Musk today after the billionaire failed to post on X for over 17 minutes.

Officers reportedly knocked on the door of Musk's home after he didn't post or repost anything on X for more than a quarter of an hour, something his friends said hadn't occurred in years.

"He really had us worried," friend Tommy Harrison told police. "When he didn't comment his usual 'Interesting' or 'Hmmm' while reposting every single post he reads in a 20-minute period, we started to get concerned."

Police arrived to find Musk was playing Diablo IV and had set his phone down for the first time in several months.

"I usually play Diablo IV while posting on X, but I was just a little tired tonight so I decided to take a break," Musk explained. "I understand why my friends were worried. I promise to continue to post every 15 seconds as I normally do to not cause any more concern."

Musk then reportedly posted replies to 24 posts in 12 minutes, half of which simply said "True."

At publishing time, Musk had opted to implant Neuralink into his brain to beam X posts directly into his thoughts while multitasking in an effort to increase efficiency.
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Smiley

Drones revealed to be Iranian after closer inspection


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 11 Dec 2024 17:35 UTC
Jihadist Drone
© The Babylon Bee
NEWARK, NJ — A pressing mystery that had puzzled government officials and the general public alike was solved today, as the mysterious drones seen buzzing through New Jersey skies were revealed to be Iranian after closer inspection.

Despite conspiracy theorists claiming that the unidentified objects hovering along the coast could be extraterrestrial craft, officials obtained high-resolution images of the drones that showed them to be outfitted with turbans, thick beards, machetes, bombs, and "Death to Israel" signs, proving them to be of Iranian origin.

"This is clear evidence that these drones came from Iran," said New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy. "There were many different theories flying around about where these craft were coming from, but once we got an up-close look, there was no mistaking it. The beards, the turbans, the threats to Israel... each one of them is like a mini, hovering Ayatollah."
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Cookies

Make America healthy again: RFK Jr. announces reduction of 5-second rule to 3 seconds


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 08 Dec 2024 16:46 UTC
robert kennedy jr cupcake five second rule satire
© The Babylon Bee
In the latest step in his quest to make America healthy again, incoming Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that the "five-second rule" will now be reduced to the "three-second rule."

Insiders said the initiative was intended to halt the spread of diseases in addition to strengthening Americans' immune systems by only letting them eat food off the floor if it's been there for three seconds rather than the traditionally acceptable five seconds.

"From now on, the time window within which you can eat food off the floor will only be three seconds," Kennedy said. "If you pick it up before then, you can still eat it. After the three-second time limit has passed, the food must go in the trash. Anyone caught eating food that has been on the floor longer than three seconds will be subject to federal prosecution to the fullest extent of the law."

The adjustment was expected to disproportionately affect the nation's toddlers and their fathers. "This is an example of egregious government overreach," said local dad Eric Lloyd. "My son dropped an entire hotdog on the kitchen floor yesterday and I had to full-on sprint from the living room to get to it in time to be allowed to eat it. On the bright side, I'll probably get healthier from the cardio."

At publishing time, Kennedy had announced another new regulation forcing everyone to do 10 push-ups after every Flamin' Hot Cheeto they eat.
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Smiley

Elon waits on Black Friday half-off sale: Can pick up MSNBC for just $30


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 25 Nov 2024 12:15 UTC
elon musk msnbc sale satire
© The Babylon Bee"Still over-priced at even at $30, but I'll probably take it anyway."
As rumors continued to swirl of his interest in purchasing the beleaguered cable news channel, reports indicated that entrepreneur Elon Musk was waiting for a Black Friday "half-off" sale so he could buy MSNBC for just $30.

Always in search of a good deal, the world's wealthiest man was reportedly eager to jump on a sweet Black Friday price and get the network for a steal instead of paying full price. Musk said you don't become wealthy without knowing how to shop for the biggest discount.

"I'm always on the lookout for a good bargain," Musk reportedly told his inner circle. "I'm open to the idea of buying MSNBC, but nobody wants to pay full price for anything around this time of year. This week is Black Friday. If I can land the opportunity to hold Rachel Maddow's fate in my hands for a killer deal, I'm here for it."

Though the news channel was believed to still carry some substantial worth, current owners NBCUniversal understood the importance of capitalizing on the consumer excitement that comes with Black Friday. "We'd be remiss if we didn't take advantage of it," said CEO Mike Cavanaugh. "Other businesses generate a lot of buzz with their Black Friday sales, and we don't want to be left out."

At publishing time, NBCUniversal executives were hoping that if Musk was able to purchase MSNBC for a reduced price, they might also be able to entice Mark Cuban to take the gay cable network Bravo off their hands.
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Smiley

Musk announces plan to buy MSNBC: 'Has potential' as a news network


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 23 Nov 2024 12:03 UTC
musk msnbc purchase satire
© The Babylon Bee
In a dramatic move that could shake up the media industry, Elon Musk has announced his intent to purchase MSNBC and turn the channel into a news network.

Though initially dismissed as an outrageous prank, Musk has remained adamant that he is serious about hiring actual journalists and completely revamping the entire network in order to report real news.

"Admittedly I've been wrong about Musk before, but this is insane," said investor John Stanton. "This would be like buying Taco Bell and turning them all into high-end steakhouses. Doing actual journalism or reading actual news would be a complete paradigm shift."

Despite the naysayers, Musk has received support from several major players in the media industry. "He's already got Joe Rogan and Michael Knowles fighting over who gets to take Rachel Maddow's place," said former MSNBC executive Daniel Montgomery. "Obviously, Knowles has the look. No one is denying that, not even Knowles. What if they really fought over it, though? Rogan would put him out so fast... well, I take that back. Knowles seems kind of squirrely. Man, this is exciting."

At publishing time, Musk had graciously announced that Joe Scarborough could stay on staff as the barista for the company coffee bar.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions



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