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Sat, 28 Nov 2020
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Biden polling well among Pentecostals after he speaks in tongues

Biden
Pentecostals across the nation are swinging toward Biden after an event at Dallas High School in Pennsylvania. According to stunned witnesses, Biden became filled with the Spirit and uttered the incomprehensible word "trunalimunumaprzure" toward the end of his speech.

"Man -- I was leaning toward Trump," said local Assemblies of God pastor Chet Whipperton. "But Biden really brought the fire today. I haven't seen an outpouring like that since Trump tweeted the mysterious angelic phrase 'covfefe.' I haven't decided for sure, but Biden is looking pretty good after today."

Pentecostal scholars have asked for someone with the spiritual gift of interpretation to step forward and translate the mysterious phrase "trunalimunumaprzure" so the world may understand Biden's mysterious utterances.

Megaphone

Report: Lots of yelling at each other expected to fix things any day now

woman yelling
It is a contentious time in this country, with a sharp partisan divide and extremists committing acts of violence, but a number of people have stumbled upon what they think could be the answer: lots of yelling at each other.

"Loud yelling really is the answer," said concerned citizen Clayton Pearson. "And it's not just the volume of the yelling but also the content. It should be full of anger. And the target is anyone on the opposite side of me, politically. If I express that I'm even angrier now at people I already didn't like, that will finally engender change."

But actual yelling isn't the only tactic people have settled on. A big part of the answer to our problem -- perhaps even the biggest part -- is virtual yelling online. "If I type enough angry things online to show how frustrated I am with the state of things -- and especially with people who don't share my politics -- that's going to finally turn this country around," explained online activist Larry Garrett. Garrett had been using the Shift key extensively to help express the level of his displeasure, but that had been slowing him down. He recently discovered the Caps Lock -- a key that's much like Shift being held down automatically -- which is speeding up his process of expressing anger and should lead even more quickly to positive outcomes.

It has been pointed out that many of these people were already constantly yelling at people, so it's not certain how this "new" effort is going to lead to a different outcome. "Now we're yelling even louder," activist Vicki Craig explained, "and are even angrier." It's uncertain if they've finally reached the volume and anger level needed to fix things, but both of those measures are expected to increase in the coming week, hopefully reaching the correct level before Election Day.

Smiley

Girl Scouts introducing 'Peaceful Protest' badge for girls who throw their first Molotov cocktail

molotov cocktail merit badge girl scouts
© The Babylon Bee
The first merit badge for budding anarchists
After literally dozens of people demanded it on Twitter, The Girl Scouts of the USA announced today a new badge: the Peaceful Protest badge, awarded to girls who demonstrate mastery over throwing a Molotov cocktail.

When a Girl Scout has thrown a Molotov cocktail through the window of a business or home to the satisfaction of her troop leader, she will be granted the badge to wear on her vest. It's available to Scouts of all ages, from Daisies and Brownies all the way up to Ambassadors.

"One of the core values of the Scouts is training our girls to be engaged with their communities and politically active," said a Girl Scouts spokesperson. "We hope this will incentivize our gals to peacefully demonstrate by burning down entire neighborhoods."

"Girl power!"

Other badges will include a badge for looting a Target in the name of social justice, a badge for changing your profile picture to a black square, and a badge for caving to public pressure on social media.

Brain

The most dangerous disease in the world

JP Sears
© YouTube/AwakenwithJP (screen capture)
In this video, learn all about the most dangerous disease in the world, intelligence. You'll understand what you need to do to help slow the spread of this disease. If we all work together and follow the proper social guidelines, we can rid the world of intelligence once and for all.


Smiley

More Californians forced to run extension cords to neighboring states

blackouts california satire
© The Babylon Bee
Deprived of luxuries like power and freedom, more and more Californians are being forced to run extension cords over to their neighbors in adjacent states.

A caravan of migrant Californians was seen traversing the deserts separating the state from its eastern neighbors, towing hundreds of miles' worth of extension cords.

Californians knocked on random Nevada and Arizona residents' doors and asked if they could borrow some power to charge their cellphones, power their espresso machines, and run their tanning beds. They were surprised to discover how nice people were in other states, saying things like, "Sure, neighbor!" and "No problem. Do you want to borrow any guns or cactuses?"

Unfortunately, the increased power demand caused the power grids in Arizona and Nevada to get knocked out, so they had to run extension cords over to New Mexico and Utah, respectively. Then their power got knocked out, and their neighbors' power, and so on and so on until all the states on the East Coast were forced to run extension cords over to Europe, but they were electrocuted to death because of the water hazard.

Californians are now looking for an alternative energy source, such as rubbing balloons on hipsters' beards.

Attention

Must be Russia! Intel experts concerned media may tamper with election by asking Biden questions

biden
As the presidential election looms, experts expect more dirty tricks from both major party campaigns. And now officials are warning of a growing plot to influence the election by asking Joe Biden questions.

"There is a plot now to publicly confront Joe Biden with difficult questions he may have a hard time answering," warned James Moss, who works in intelligence. "We don't know if this is from homegrown or foreign agents, but they seem to think putting out factual information about Joe Biden could sway the election toward Trump. And everyone has to work hard against that."

Efforts are already underway to stop this, with the Biden campaign calling lids early every day to keep news outlets from quoting Biden, and only letting Senator Kamala Harris out to campaign. Twitter has even banned The New York Post, one of the few media outlets not fighting this plot, for attempting to publish information about Biden and his dealings. Still, people worry that facts about Joe Biden could still slip out there.

"He's been a politician for 47 years," said campaign staffer Luke Bailey, "so it's hard for people to know as little as possible about him. We just have to be vigilant of any attempt out there to ask Biden a question on camera when he is away from the safety of a teleprompter."

Even President Donald Trump seems to be helping fight this plot, making sure with each tweet and public statement that he draws all attention to himself. "Pay attention to me!" Trump recently said.

Smiley

Facebook mandate: All content moderators must watch 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail

facebook monty python
© The Babylon Bee
No word on whether moderators will be tested on Monty Python content
Facebook had egg on its face this week when it moderated a post by satirical site The Babylon Bee, a Christian site run by incredibly handsome and smart writers. The post contained a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but Facebook accused the website of inciting violence.

So, Facebook will now require all its content moderators to watch the classic British comedy so that they will recognize references to it in the future. The social media company shut down for two hours in the middle of the day to screen the film for its content moderators, who took copious notes on the movie.

"We now recognize the need to employ moderators who understand references to classics like Monty Python," said Mark Zuckerberg. "We are extremely sorry to The Babylon Bee for squashing their hilarious, original, clever, funny, joke."

At publishing time, Facebook's headquarters were filled with employees who now had a great sense of humor, though their constant Monty Python references were getting "pretty annoying."

Smiley

Health experts across the globe recommend new strategy for maximizing personal social distance: Attend a Joe Biden rally

joe biden rally social distance
© The Babylon Bee
Officials say there's no better place to be miles away from most other humans.

"When you attend a Joe Biden rally, you're very unlikely to get infected, since, you know, there's no one else there," said one CDC official. "We've found that Trump rallies are super-spreader events since there's a ton of people. Biden rallies are great for stopping the virus. You just stand in the middle of a field while an old guy shouts from a podium hundreds of feet far away from you."

"Plus, you can rest and relax. Get away from the busyness of modern life: attend a Biden rally. BIDEN-HARRIS 2020!"

The health experts named several alternatives that are also acceptable for maximal social distancing, including attending a Biden boat parade, a Biden car parade, and a Nickelback concert.

Attention

Governor unveils innovative 37-step plan to reopen state over the next 10 years

open up states
With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened.

The new plan is called 'Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace' and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:

Smiley

Brilliant! Governor Newsom orders all trees to mask up to prevent spread of wildfires

trees masks wildfires Newsome california
© The Babylon Bee
Fresh off his fireside chat to the state of California last week, Governor Gavin Newsom is announcing swift action to combat the spread of wild global-warming fires in his state. According to sources, Newsom will be signing an executive order requiring all trees to wear masks so that they don't catch fire.

"My proposal is proven and grounded in SCIENCE," said the governor in a statement. "Everyone knows masks work. They stop things from spreading. They stop COVID from spreading. Of course, they would also stop fires from spreading! SCIENCE tells us that masks solve almost every problem that has ever existed. This isn't that difficult. These are facts. It's just SCIENCE!"

Starting this week, Police, Firefighters, and Forest Management Personnel will be tasked with applying a giant mask to every single tree in the state. The governor is also considering requiring all sea turtles in California to also wear masks to prevent straws from getting stuck in their noses.

Hooray for SCIENCE!