Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Trump thanks Dems for releasing the best, most beautiful tax returns ever


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 31 Dec 2022 15:27 UTC
trump smile
The House Ways and Means Committee today released Trump's tax documentation to the public, prompting the former president to thank the Democrats for releasing the best, most beautiful tax returns ever.

"These have been the best tax returns in the history of tax returns, maybe ever," Trump told his supporters. The former president put up a flurry of posts on Truth Social in which he heralded the move from the Democrats as a great victory for connoisseurs of the aesthetics of tax returns.

"Nobody takes more withholdings than me! Everyone says so. Big, beautiful withholdings - no one else is smart enough. Lots of losers can't figure out how to pay less taxes, but I'm really good at it. Maybe the best."

Democratic lawmakers have pointed to the low taxes paid by the former President as an indictment of his business acumen, but he has already issued rebuttals to their claims. "Paying minimal taxes makes me smart. The Lying Media says this is a smoking gun, but they didn't count on everyone seeing the most genius use of the tax code yet - seeing my accountants at work is like watching Shakespeare draft the Magna Carta!"

At publishing time, Trump had taken the liberty of releasing his tax returns as far back as 1991 so more people could learn "The art of the deal" and gain business success, instead of remaining haters and losers.
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Rocket

Santa's sleigh mistakenly shot down by Ukrainian missile


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 24 Dec 2022 20:02 UTC
ukraine missile santa sleigh satire
© The Babylon Bee
Somber news came out of war-torn Ukraine today as reports confirmed Santa Claus's sleigh had been mistaken for a hostile Russian aircraft and was shot down by a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile as it flew over the greater Kyiv area early this morning.

It has long been suspected that Santa Claus frequently makes test flights over this region in the days leading up to Christmas, but there have been reports of Ukrainian military personnel being overly eager to try out their new missiles provided by the United States.

"One of our reconnaissance teams observed something unidentifiable on the radar this morning," said Ukrainian military spokesperson Grigor Grigorovic at a media briefing. "We attempted multiple times to communicate with the aircraft and received no response. We very clearly warned the aircraft that we would open fire if it remained in restricted Ukrainian airspace. We did what we had to do. This tragedy is not on us. The blood of Santa Claus is on his own head."

Wreckage believed to be remnants of Santa's sleigh was found in a nearby village, though there has been no sign of Santa himself. The public is holding out hope that he has somehow survived and will still be well enough to carry on his Christmas work over the weekend.

At publishing time, the White House offered no comment on any involvement of the United States in the incident, though the Biden administration was already aware of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky already requesting another Patriot missile to replace the one used to destroy Santa's sleigh.
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Smiley

Iowa sports reporter goes viral for hilarious on-air complaints about being forced to cover winter storm Elliott

Leon Wolf
The Blaze
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 19:54 UTC
sportscaster iowa winter storm
© KWWL-TV/TwitterIowa sportscaster Mark Woodley: "Not my job, dude!"
The winter storm that has blanketed much of the United States in snow and record-cold temperatures has been a major inconvenience for many this week, but perhaps no one had their complaints about the situation more widely heard than Iowa sports reporter Mark Woodley.

Woodley, who covers sports at KWWL-TV in Iowa, was reassigned to weather coverage this week when the winter storm in Iowa resulted in the cancellation of virtually all sporting events - and he was not happy about it. He was particularly upset about being forced to work a show that was much longer than normal, outside in the freezing cold, and made sure all his station's viewers knew about it.

In a compilation of clips that has already been viewed over 4 million times on Twitter, Woodley repeatedly aired his frustrations with the assignment on-air, griping, "I normally do sports, everything is cancelled here for the next couple of days so what better time to ask the sports guy to come in about five hours earlier than he would normally wake up, go stand out in the wind and the snow and the cold and tell other people not to do the same?"
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Smiley

US agrees to send Ukraine one unused border wall


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 22:30 UTC
Border wall Ukraine satire
Ukraine has agreed to take the wall 'as is', because it's a floor model.
As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that's just lying around at the southern border not being used.

"We have this wall that we're not using, I dunno, do you guys in Ukraine want it?" asked Senator Mitch McConnell during Zelensky's D.C. trip. "It's a pretty good wall. A little rusty, maybe, but it should help you secure your borders, which are the most important borders on earth. We don't believe in borders around here in Washington." McConnell finished speaking and then crawled under a nearby UV heat lamp to recharge his energy.

Senate leaders confirmed that the entire 700-mile stretch of unused wall is being written into the omnibus bill. an additional $120 billion has been allocated for the removal, transportation, and installation of the wall at its new home in Ukraine. "This is the right thing to do," said Senator Mitt Romney in a statement. "Every true, patriotic American should support this for some reason. I just can't think of what the reason is right now. Don't worry, I'll think of it!"

Several Republicans in Congress disagree with the move, insisting that Ukraine should pay for the transportation and install themselves.

At publishing time, members of Congress also offered to throw in an old Constitution they forgot they had.
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Ice Cube

Oh No! Scientists determine we're actually headed for an ice age and we have to pump as much CO2 as possible into the atmosphere or we're all gonna die


Babylon Bee
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 18:53 UTC
CO2 Pollution
© Babylon Bee
WORLD — In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we're all going to die.

"Welp, it looks like we may have made a few minor miscalculations," said Dr. Bjørn Jarlnjørd of the Norwegian Center for Studying Apocalyptic Science (NCSAS). "I think we may have forgotten to carry the '1' somewhere or something, I'm not really sure. But the long story short is that the planet is actually cooling and we're all going to freeze to death if we don't all start our SUVs and rev them around the clock immediately."
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Smiley

Biden nervous as boss unexpectedly drops by branch office


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 22 Dec 2022 18:01 UTC
Biden zelensky visity speech congress
Volodymyr Zelensky and Joe Biden
Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.

"Oh no! Vocab Zikorsky is here! What am I supposed to be doing? Everybody, look busy!" said a frantic Biden to White House staff as Zelensky's limo pulled up. "Darnit all! Jill hates it when I have the boss over to dinner unannounced. Someone make some perogies or something. Do Ukrainians eat perogies?" Biden then sniffed a nearby staffer, something he always does when he gets nervous.

According to reports, Zelensky is stopping by Washington to check on the progress of the omnibus spending bill to ensure Biden gets it passed per his wishes. "Ukraine needs many more billions," said Zelensky. "For President Biden's sake, I pray he does not disappoint me."

Several Republican congressmen also nervously approached the wartime leader in his dashing tactical green sweatshirt corduroys to promise him they would do everything possible to send many more billions to his country as soon as possible.

At publishing time, Zelensky had left the meeting early after a visibly anxious President Biden attempted to sniff him too — something considered a major social faux pas in Ukrainian culture.

Congress has assured the Ukrainian President that they will pass another $50 billion in spending by this Friday.
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Smiley

Elon to stay on as Twitter CEO after counting mail-in votes


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 20 Dec 2022 00:27 UTC
elon musk twitter pole step down CEO
© The Babylon Bee
After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter's leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.

"Initially the poll seemed to indicate that the majority of users and bots wish me gone, but that was a mirage," said Musk as he emerged from a dark, windowless room with stacks of ballots. "It looks like we got an overnight dump of 2 million mail-in votes that all say they want me to stay in charge of Twitter! Imagine that! Vox Populi Vox Dei!"

The dump reportedly came after millions of people around the world realized they had missed the Twitter poll and desperately sent in hand-written appeals begging the eccentric billionaire to keep running Twitter. "Please Mr. Musk! Don't leave! Twitter is fun now! PLEASE!" read one earnest note.

Officials with the FBI are reportedly outraged that the mail-in results were enough to overturn their expensive Chinese bot farm and are demanding a recount.

Twitter users are being urged to accept the results of this "free, fair, and totally secure" election — unless they want to be given the shameful label of "election denier."
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Mr. Potato

Canadian healthcare system introduces punch card where on your 10th visit you get free suicide


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 12 Dec 2022 00:00 UTC
canadian punch card suicide
© Babylon Bee
As Canada's MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation's healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results: Parliament just announced a punch card that allows patients to receive a free suicide after 10 doctor visits.

"From a small-scale maple syrup overdose to a full-blown moose attack, you receive a punch on your card every time you are admitted for an injury or sickness." The Canadian Healthcare website published a blog this week outlining the new program.

"Filling out your punch card is mandatory, for data tracking purposes. No one sick person can be allowed to drain more than their share of the taxpayer's dollars!"
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Smiley

Journalists warning of frightening trend where rules apply to them


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 18 Dec 2022 15:51 UTC
Taylor lorenze interview satire twitter rules doxxing
© MSNBCTaylor Lorenz sobs out her fear at being treated like an ordinary person caught doxxing.
Journalists have become increasingly concerned about a rising trend of journalists having to follow the same rules as everyone else.

"It's not fair that we're being treated the same as other people," sobbed Washington Post reporter Taylor Lorenz. "I'm literally shaking with rage."

The troubling trend came to a head this past week as several journalists who had endangered a man's life were then made to endure a Twitter suspension, just like any other person. "It is absolutely unacceptable to silence the press like this," said Taylor Lorenz, still sobbing. "We journalists are supposed to be able to invade other people's privacy and put their lives at risk, while no one is allowed to do the same thing to us. I am deeply troubled by the sudden expectation for the press to follow the same rules as any common citizen."

While journalists have repeatedly expressed concern over their loss of recognition as a source of truth, having to now suffer the consequences of their own actions has confirmed their deepest fears. "This is exactly like the Kristallnaacht, the opening salvo of the Holocaust," cried Taylor Lorenz, grabbing a third box of tissues. "The government, led by Elon Musk, has handed me a one-week Twitter suspension merely for stalking people like prey. He might as well be firing up the gas chambers."

At publishing time, sources report that Taylor Lorenz had continued sobbing, drenching her 55th birthday cake with tears.
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Smiley

Government warns that with Elon owning Twitter they will control only 97% of the media


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 14 Dec 2022 14:07 UTC
Karine Jean-Pierre white house press secretary
The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.

"We can't overstate how dangerous this is," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Yes, we still control Facebook, Google, Apple, Instagram, YouTube, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Hollywood, TIME, USAToday, The Wall Street Journal, and pretty much all the rest, but we don't control Twitter. This is dangerous to democracy."

The entire intelligence community at the CIA, FBI, and NSA concurred with the warning, stating that "Elon's ownership of Twitter leaves America vulnerable to dangerous opinions we do not approve of." Leaders with the agencies are recommending immediate investigations to bring down the Twitter CEO provided their planned drone strike doesn't work first.

"Democracy is at stake," said all the agency leaders in a shared statement in which they all recited the words simultaneously in a robotic monotone. "We must do something. Democracy is at stake."

At publishing time, several watchdog groups had underscored the warning, pointing to a 128% increase in exposure to unapproved opinions since Musk's Twitter purchase.
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