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Wed, 08 Dec 2021
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Smiley

Heroic Secret Service agent dives in front of Biden as reporter tries to ask question

secret service saves biden from question
© The Babylon Bee
Agent is up for medal according to rumors
In an extraordinary act of bravery and heroism, a Secret Service agent dove in front of Biden to block a question from a pesky reporter.

As Biden slowly stepped out of his vehicle, a nosy reporter rudely attempted to ask him intrusive questions about things that were none of her business.

"Nooooooooooo!" said agent James Carter as the CBS reporter raised her hand to ask a completely inappropriate question-- possibly about the Middle East, or executive orders. Carter ran up to the president, arms outstretched, and dove through the air to shield the president from the incoming query.

"It's like everything went into slow motion," said Agent Carter. "My training kicked in and I leapt into action. I'm just happy I was able to make a difference."

Carter took the entire force of the blow from the incoming question before collapsing to the ground.

"Hey-- lookie there, they fly now!" said President Biden. "Hey there young man, would you mind not flying in front of me while I exit my vehicle? I have to get to the Oval Office in time for Matlock."

The Secret Service agent sustained minor injuries but is grateful to have saved the president from a reporter's unwelcome question.

"Just doing my job," he said.

Smiley

Think Dr. Seuss is bad? 12 more children's books that deserve immediate canceling

seuss books on display
© REUTERS/Brendan McDermid
Your child's bookshelves are crawling with racism and toxic problematicness.

But don't worry -- it's nothing we can't fix with a little good old-fashioned book burning.

There are hundreds of children's books that could use a good canceling. But let's just start with these nine for now:

1. Horton Hears a Who -- This Seuss book hasn't been canceled yet, but it sure needs to be. The book claims a person is a person no matter how small, showing that Seuss hates women's rights and wants to control their bodies.

2. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom -- Prominently features the letter "Q."

3. Every Berenstain Bears book -- These books perpetuate the idea of a nuclear family with traditional values. They also appropriated furry culture.

4. Clifford the Big Red Dog -- He's literally a dog whistle for far-right neo-Nazi extremists and their affinity to the color red.

5. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -- Teaches kids there should be consequences for bad behavior without even considering the child's race, ethnicity, or history of being oppressed.

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar -- This is book encourages kids to consume and consume, destroying the environment for their own personal gain.

7. Goodnight Moon -- Honestly, it's probably not racist, but if we have to read this book to our kids one more time we're gonna die.

8. The Jungle Book -- Insensitive and stereotypical of Indian culture. Mowgli is called "man-cub," and don't even get us started on that loaded term. How has this not been canceled already?

9. If You Give A Mouse A Cookie -- Teaches kids about cause and effect-- which, as we all know from corporate anti-racism training, is an aspect of white culture not shared by other people groups.

10. The Tuttle Twins -- Free markets? Individual responsibility? American history? Are you kidding? Where do we even start? We literally can't even with this one.

11. The Little Engine That Could -- Implies that hard work and effort can help you overcome challenges, which is pretty tone-deaf considering oppressed groups aren't able to benefit from hard work.

12. Genderqueer Marxist Baby -- Actually this one seems fine.

Get out the kerosene if you love your children.

Brought to you by:

tuttle twins books children
© Connor Boyack

Sheeple

Meghan Markle inspires millions of young girls with message that no matter how famous, rich, and powerful they are, they will always be oppressed

Meghan Markle
In an explosive interview with Oprah, former Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle inspired millions of young girls around the world with the very important message that no matter how rich, famous, and powerful they are, they will always be oppressed.

"Oppression is inescapable," said Markle, who is married to a prince and worth approximately $50 million. "If you are a woman -- especially a woman of color, oppression will follow you all the days of your life and you will never really be happy."

Young girls around the world stood up and cheered at the inspiring message, many of them feeling hope for the first time.

"Thanks to Meghan Markle, I feel like I too can grow up to be a famous, rich, beautiful oppressed person," said Mikayla White, a 5th-grade girl from Southern California. "It's so encouraging to be reminded that I can grow up to be in the top 1% while never losing my resentment and high sensitivity to microaggressions."

Markle has promised to continue taking her message of hope to girls everywhere until no one is happy or thankful anymore.

"It's my true calling," she said.

Comment: See: The latest episode of the vapid Harry and Meghan saga shows they've replaced the Kardashians as the world's biggest reality show


Book 2

In new Dr. Seuss book, Cat in the Hat gives kids puberty blockers while their mother isn't home

dr. seuss
Things have changed quite a bit in the world of Dr. Seuss, as six of his works have been pulled from publication, banned from sale on eBay, and eliminated from people's minds using lobotomies to help fight the threat of racism. To get with the times, though, a new Dr. Seuss book has been released, called The Cat in the Hat (He/Him).

"In this new book, using reworked art from Dr. Seuss," said a letter from Dr. Seuss's estate, "the Cat in the Hat once again finds the two children home alone and bored. This time he diagnoses their malaise as gender dysphoria and proceeds to give the children puberty blockers."

An excerpt from the book reads:

"I have some new drugs,"
said the cat in the hat.
"A lot of good drugs!
I'll inject them in you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do."


The children learn a lesson in intolerance, too, as their goldfish ignorantly tries to stop them from taking the drugs, warning them of permanent side effects. The goldfish is then killed and flushed down a toilet.

Numerous drag queens will be deployed to libraries across the country to perform free readings of the book to children.

Comment: See also: Entire Dr. Seuss book collection deemed racist by politically correct researchers


Mr. Potato

Congressional Republicans Make Deal: Democrats Get Everything They Want, But Mr. Potato Head Will Stay Male

Mr. Potato - Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans struck a deal today, declaring that Democrats will get everything they want, but Mr. Potato Head will stay a male.

The deal means that Democrats' entire radical leftist agenda will proceed as planned, as long as the Hasbro toy is canonically male.

"This is a major victory for conservatives," said Mitch McConnell over the deal that will give Democrats $2 trillion in spending to do whatever they want with, major changes to our national electoral process that will seal Democrats' majority forever, and the Equality Act that will erase women from existence. But, as McConnell was quick to point out, Mr. Potato Head is now biologically male forever.

Smiley

With pandemic winding down, people who yell at others to wear masks in danger of never feeling important again

mask woman grocery store
© The Babylon Bee
There's a light at the end of the tunnel for the pandemic as vaccine distribution continues to increase, and soon the whole ordeal will be over. While most people are celebrating this development, it has filled others with worry -- especially those who have taken it upon themselves to yell at people who aren't wearing masks. They have a sinking feeling they're never going to feel important ever again.

"I've never felt so alive as when I've gotten in people's faces, saying, 'Where's your mask?! Where's your mask?!'" said Karen Hughes. "I'm basically stopping murderers. And, let's face it, with my lack of skills and annoying personality, this is the highlight of my life."

"This has given me purpose and meaning," agreed Karen Boyd. "Usually, I'm looked at as some sort of witch when I scream at kids, but now I have a reason backed by the CDC. I'm a hero. But when the pandemic is over, I'll go back to being a crazy lady."

"I don't think I have the ability to do anything else," said Bob "Karen" Shelton. "What else can I yell at people about? 'Wear sunscreen?!' I dunno. And I was just getting so good at mask policing. I was yelling at people for only wearing one mask. 'Why don't you have two?!' I'd shout. But those days are ending."

The mask-yellers do have some hope that masks will become a habit during flu season, which at least gives them an annual reason to harass random passersby.

Camera

Octopus steals camera, wins underwater photography competition with selfie

octopus selfie award
© Gaetano Dario Gargiulo
A curious octopus took a selfie of itself with the photographer’s family
This year's Ocean Art Underwater Photo Competition managed to produce some amazing underwater photos that showcase the perseverance of underwater artistry amidst the adversity of the times.

Two winning photos told particularly compelling stories. The Best of Show by Gaetano Dario Gargiulo is a once-in-a-life-time moment where a curious octopus took a selfie of itself with the photographer's family.

"On the day of the photo, I remained in the tide pool as the tide was too low to venture outside of its boundaries. In one of the shallowest parts of the pool I noticed an octopus. I placed my camera near its den and the octopus started interacting with it. It came completely out of the den and to our amazement it started shooting pictures! My son (3 y.o. in the background) was very curious about the octopus." — Gaetano Dario Gargiulo
Jill Studholme edits SCUBA News (ISSN 1476-8011), the monthly newsletter with articles on diving and marine science. She tweets as @SCUBANews. A scuba diver with a biology degree, Jill has an special intererest in marine biology, coral reef conservation and the underwater environment.

Mr. Potato

Activists fight racism by driving all people of color out of pop culture

cancelled brand icons
Activists are fighting racism by demanding that people of color be removed from all media, brands, logos, mascots, and anywhere else they might pop up.

"Anywhere we see a person of color, we see racism. So we must end racism by making sure people of color are not depicted anywhere," said white liberal activist Petunia Faucett. "We will not rest until all pop culture icons of color are eliminated. Then, racism will be over."

Activists across the country cheered as another pop culture icon of color was removed this morning. "We worked hard to achieve this goal, and the day is finally here," Faucett said. "But our work is not done. We must be vigilant to hunt down people of color on butter tubs, syrup bottles, cartoons, and bags of rice, and take them out of the public consciousness."

Comment: See also:


Smiley

Cuomo tries to divert attention from sex scandal by reminding everyone of nursing home scandal

cuomo nursing home
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's political career is in freefall after new allegations of sexual misconduct from several women. In a desperate attempt to divert attention from the embarrassing sex scandal, Cuomo took to the airwaves today to remind everyone of the time he killed a bunch of seniors in nursing homes.

"Listen people-- I know there are some accusations against me out there, but can we focus on the real issues?" said Cuomo to a roomful of reporters who had recently received a memo telling them it was time to stop protecting the governor.

Smiley

Secret strategy: Texas removes mask mandate to scare all the Californians away

cowboy california
© The Babylon Bee
Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has just lifted the mask mandate and is allowing business to return to 100% capacity. The Governor explains that in these trying times, extreme measures must be taken to stop the spread of Californians into Texas and to scare them off from ever wanting to return.

"The last thing we need is a bunch of sissies from California moving to our beautiful state of Texas and screwing everything up and turning the state blue!" said Governor Abbott during a Lubbock Chamber of Commerce event. "Too many Californians have entered our state. Too many ridiculous liberal ideas have already been proposed. This must end. It's time to open Texas 100%."

Governor Abbott continued, "We believe that by removing the mask requirement that all of the Californians will flee in terror, restoring our state to its former glory. As soon as they see the joy and hear the laughter of our citizens returning to normal life, they'll be sure to pack up and leave at once."

The Governor has strategically placed "No Masks Required" stickers on all Texas state signs warning all who enter of what lies beyond. He has expressed hope that this will send any namby-pamby who reads it back around to where they came from. "We tried buying and carrying more guns around, but somehow that didn't work. Then we tried driving around in big, lifted, gas-guzzling trucks, but they still kept coming. But now by removing our masks for good Texas can finally start to heal."

After seeing immediate results by reversing the mask mandate, Governor Abbott has been looking for more ways to scare off the cry-baby cowards. He has now removed all social distancing guidelines and even encouraged citizens to stop washing their hands.