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Thu, 27 Jan 2022
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Kim Jong Un enrolls in Ivy League university to learn latest brainwashing techniques

Kim Jong Un classroom
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, beloved North Korean tyrant and lover of doughnuts Kim Jong Un is now attending Columbia University, a prestigious Ivy League school, to learn new brainwashing techniques for his regime.

"I thought I knew all there was to know about communist indoctrination, but I was wrong," said the ruthless dictator to reporters after sitting through a 2-hour lecture on why fidget spinners are a remnant of Western patriarchal oppression. "Your American college professors have this down to an art!"

Kim Jong Un then waddled over to the food court for all-you-can-eat frozen yogurt, whistling a merry tune as he went.

According to experts, Ivy League schools in America boast the world's finest anti-Western propaganda and brainwashing techniques. The North Korean dictator expressed hope that his newfound knowledge would help him make his citizens more robotically obedient.

"We still have our troublemakers, but with these Ivy League techniques, I'll have them eating out of my hand in no time!" he said.

The murderous leader of North Korea plans to go back to his home country and start his own Ivy League school: Kim Jong UNiversity.


Newbie bomb-maker panics after making explosive, rushes it to police for defusing

home made bomb explosive amateur graphic
The 25-year-old man told the police he had no intention to harm anyone after dabbling in creating a bomb.

In a bizarre incident, a 25-year-old man from India's Maharashtra state went to a police station with a bag containing explosives which he said was abandoned near a college. Later, after interrogation, he confessed that he had built the device after watching tutorials on YouTube. Afterwards, he stopped to think about the consequences of causing an explosion and hurried to the police so that they could defuse what he made.

The man, named Rahul Pagade, reportedly told the police that he had prepared the explosive using a petrol bottle and a battery. Officers told the media that they had ruled out any terror involvement and said that Pagade had no intention to plant the explosive or to harm anybody.

The man works at a salon and lives alone in a rented house in Saibaba Nagar in Nagpur city. His parents have both died and his three sisters are married, according to media reports.

"Pagade told us that he learnt bomb-making after watching tutorials and decided to do it himself. He extracted flash powder from firecrackers and used a mobile battery and a petrol bottle to make the makeshift bomb. He connected the wires from the battery to the petrol bottle," a police officer told the media.

However, he became scared when he realised the potential enormity of his action and decided to get rid of the explosives. He disconnected the wires and walked up to the police station where he handed over the bag to police on Saturday.

Meanwhile, a case has been registered against Pagade under the Arms Act and section 123 of the Mumbai Police Act.


Texas Governor Abbot signs executive order donating city of Austin to California

Greg Abbott

Texas Governor Greg Abbott
Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order today donating the city of Austin and all its citizens to California. A move long in the making, the order gives all million citizens back to California, since most of them came from there anyway.

"I hereby declare Austin and all the hippy yuppie Democrats in this God-forsaken town are now citizens of California," Abbott said at the signing to loud cheering and applause. "Good riddance, and may God have mercy on your souls. Texas don't want you, and I sure as heck don't want you."

"This is long overdue." Many onlookers shot pistols into the air and shotgunned cans of Shiner Bock at the announcement. They all then went to Whataburger to celebrate.

Abbott is moving the capital of Texas out of Austin as part of the executive action and is considering nearby towns like Flying Mosquito, Texas, and Sweltering Plains, Texas, as the new capital.

Governor Newsom of California happily accepted the gift, as he has been needing more people to make up for all those who fled during his short time in office.

Comment: Texas would get the best of the deal!


'Help Wanted': Western media is in dire need of more Russia writers. Must be willing to lie, distort and engage in lazy speculation

News clips
© RT composite
News Clips
So you want to become a journalist covering Russia for Western media? Once you get past the self-serving bluster, it's really a very safe, well-paid, and rewarding job - but only on condition that you follow a set of guidelines.

Update 2021: I wrote a version of this article in 2016, but unfortunately it is still as topical as it was last time. I figured it was time for an update because some new names have appeared, and some facts have changed.

1. Mastering and parroting a limited set of tropes is probably the most important part of your work as a journalist in Russia. Never forget to mention that Putin used to work for the KGB. Readers should always be reminded of this: The "former KGB spy," the "former KGB agent," etc. Other examples include (but are not limited to) "Putin destroyed democracy," (which of course ignores what Boris Yeltsin did with US backing in the 1990s), "The Russian economy is dependent on oil," "There is no media freedom," "Russia is more corrupt than Zimbabwe," "Navalny is a political prisoner and Russia's next Sakharov," "Russia is really weak" (but also a dire threat!), "Russia is a Potemkin village" and "a dying bear" that is ruled by "a kleptocratic mafia," "Russia produces nothing..." You get the drift.

2. Not sure who is doing what? Not sure how Russia works? Just make a sentence with the word 'Kremlin'. Examples include "this will create problems for the Kremlin," "the Kremlin is insecure," "the Kremlin's support of anti-Western dictators," etc.

3. This 'Kremlin'- is always wrong, and its motives are always nefarious. If it requires many signatures to register a party, that is authoritarianism, meant to repress liberal voices. If it requires only a few signatures to register a party, that is also authoritarianism, a dastardly plot to drown out the "genuine opposition" amidst a flood of Kremlin-created fake opposition parties.


Stop the Fake Info

Fake News
© Aventislearning.com
In this rant, Nelly goes undercover on Telegram and discovers some very disturbing things...


Fauci - Public Enemy #1?

JP & Fauci
© Awaken with JP
Explore the investigation into is Fauci public enemy #1? The nations top infectious disease villain has a load of mounting evidence stacked against him. Take an in-depth look at his ties to the Wuhan lab and the virus in this video. You be the judge.

Cell Phone

911 Will now require white callers to press 1 to check their privilege

Scared lady
© Unknown
After weeks of hearing calls for police reform, local and state police departments across the country are finally making strides toward fairness and justice in policing. One major reform sweeping the nation involves changing the way dispatchers allocate police resources. Thanks to new technology, 911 operators can now require callers to press "1" to check their white privilege before any police officers are approved to arrive on the scene.

After white people currently being attacked or murdered press 1, they will be walked through 20-30 minutes of questions to expose their racial biases before they can receive help.

"It used to be that whenever someone called the police, we would just show up," said Minneapolis Police Chief Rayford McMustache. "That's totally lame and outdated now. It was the old way of doing things before we evolved. It's time to be better. The world is more complicated. Now we can use cutting edge technology to gather race, gender, sexual orientation, and political party data on every victim who calls 911. Our algorithm compiles all this data into an intersectional oppression score so we can determine whether the caller deserves police protection or not! Amazing!"


Fauci hires expert technician Hilgo Clintmann to secure his email server

fauci emails hillary clinton
© The Babylon Bee
Ace email security advisor Hilgo Clintomann
After a batch of his emails were made public through an FOIA request, a desperate, frantic Dr. Fauci called in an expert technician to make sure no more damaging emails were made public.

The technician, renowned Beltway-area email server technician Hilgo Clintmann, arrived in his van and began to inspect Fauci's modest email server configuration.

"Oh, yes, very bad email security here sir, very, very bad," Clintmann said as he walked through the server racks and inspected the various hard drives and cables. "We're going to need to rework this whole setup. You need to be able to, how you say, disappear emails right away. We will take care of this with emergency panic buttons. Do not worry, Dr. Fauci -- we will make sure you are never embarrassed ever again."

Clintmann even told an elated Dr. Fauci that his company also specializes in finding out who leaked a particular set of emails and making sure that they "never make that mistake again." "It is a, how you say, cleaning service. You make the mess, we clean it up."

Finally, before leaving, Clintmann installed an emergency hammer behind a piece of glass reading "Break in case of federal investigation."


AOC added to Iwo Jima memorial for surviving Capitol riot

aoc iwo jima
After hearing AOC's heartrending and harrowing tale of survival against all odds during the January 6th Capitol riot, Congress has approved the addition of Ocasio-Cortez's likeness in bronze to the Iwo Jima memorial.

"Congresswomen Ocasio-Cortez is an inspiration to all Americans," said Senator Mitt Romney. "Her courage and bravery deserve to be immortalized for all time alongside the heroes who stormed the beaches at Iwo Jima, knowing they were running toward certain death."

World renown sculptor Alessandro Saltaformaggio will cast the sculpture after AOC's famous "crying pose" to remind the world how sad everyone should be about the worst attack on Democracy since the Civil War

There will be a somber dedication ceremony next week, where attendees will tell various stories of AOC's heroic bravery as violin music plays in the background. AOC will then cry in front of the memorial in a white suit while people take pictures.


Navy fighters shoot down 'hostile' UFO after it refuses to give its pronouns

ufo cartoon no pronouns
© The Babylon Bee
The UFO was determined to be a threat after refusing to comply with the demand to label itself in compliance with woke lunacy
U.S. Military leaders confirmed that they have shot down an unidentified flying object over the Pacific Ocean after the mysterious craft refused to identify itself with its preferred pronouns.

"Yes, we can confirm that one of our F-18 fighters intercepted an apparently quite transphobic alien spacecraft yesterday," said Navy Admiral Arnie Ahab. "After several unsuccessful attempts to hail the object for identifying pronouns such as "he/him" or "they/them", we were forced to blow it out of the sky."

California residents were startled by what appeared to be a massive explosion off the coast, followed by a burning object plunging into the sea.

"We are happy to say we protected Earth from an alien visitor that was obviously not advanced enough to engage in common trans-sensitive pronoun courtesy during a greeting," said Navy Secretary Thomas W. Harker in a statement. "You all are safe now."

President Biden has thanked the Navy for their great work and deployed more aircraft carriers to the Pacific in case any more transphobic extraterrestrials show up.