Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Sat, 08 Oct 2016 15:22 UTC
A Russian spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, told our Moscow science correspondent —who also wishes to remain anonymous— that the Washington atmosphere has been poisoned by huge clouds of putrid hot air belching from the corporate media. He explained that such a hostile environment makes it almost impossible for intelligent life to survive, let alone evolve a sustainable culture. The Russian team believes there may still be small pockets of intelligent life elsewhere on the North American continent but without the necessary conditions they need to thrive they are destined to disappear without trace.
Speaking off the record, the Russian spokesman, who asked us not to disclose his identity, added that hopes of finding intelligent life in London, Paris, Berlin and other Western European locations, where it might be expected to flourish, are fading fast. Though it is believed intelligent life once existed in Occidental Europe, an atmosphere suitable for the maintenance of such life has all but evaporated.
Comment: It's not just the media that is parasitical in Washington:
Sat, 08 Oct 2016 14:30 UTC
The head of internal affairs of Russia's Investigative Committee, Mikhail Maksimenko, has reportedly become aware that FSB is keeping an eye (or, rather, an ear) on all of his conversations at the office thanks to the shiny copper samovar he received as a present from the security service.
"I have bugs all over the place, God bless them. I want them to see that I'm alright and I don't take bribes," Maksimenko said, explaining his response to the news that his office was wiretapped, the Russian Kommersant newspaper quotes.
The data retrieved from the bug made it possible to charge three top officials of the investigative committee with bribery.
Comment: At least the FSB was considerate enough to give Maksimenko something useful!
The Daily Mash
Wed, 28 Sep 2016 21:26 UTC
The game still awards players £200 for passing Go but property prices increase by 20 to 60 per cent every turn, with rent payable on every square from the outset.
A spokesman for manufacturers Parker Brothers said: "It's long overdue an update. I mean, a Free Parking square? In London?
"Most properties already have luxury apartment blocks on, raising rent to around £2,000, the utilities are privatised, Community Chest is means-tested and if you land on a train station you have to buy an annual season ticket.
"It's still possible to win the game if you're lucky enough to only land on Chance squares and the other players agree to club together to share a place.
"Of course within a couple of turns you're in unmanageable debt and have no choice but keep joylessly playing and paying the bank for the rest of your life."
Eleanor Shaw of Croydon said: "You know what looks good? Jail looks good."
Wed, 05 Oct 2016 21:14 UTC
Covered in human fingerprints and debris, archeologists took several days to carefully brush away the surrounding earth after discovering the 12″ tablet two feet below the surface last week while digging for artifacts from the Mayan site.
"It's a pretty significant find," said Professor Theodore C. Bestor, an anthropologist at Harvard University, "When we charged up the device, we found a treasure trove of information contained on the tablet, including a gallery of ancient pictures and selfies taken by tribes men and women who lived and worked in the region.
"We believe the owner of the tablet was a high priest king, who went by the name Eye Padro who lived somewhere between 400 BC and 550 AD".
However, since discovering the tablet last week, the archaeologist team behind the find have had to wait for further information to be released from the device, as there are 'thousands' of updates for it to go through before it functions normally again.
"It is painfully slow, but is working. When we open it, it notifies us of 3,476 new updates, which unfortunately we will have to wait through," explained Bestor. "It should be up-to-speed by December 2017, and then we can start looking into its contents in more detail".
Of the information given so far, the tablet details how the great king Eye Padro ruled the Mayan people for almost 20 years, before being murdered by a rival tribe under the rule of king Saim Sung. The tablet, primitive in design, has no earphone jack, as expected with such an ancient tablet.
Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 04 Oct 2016 19:36 UTC
The Clinton 2016, fondly referred to by its operators as Hillary Clinton, can now address humans and react to words, pictures and sounds with almost double the number of expressions that were contained in a previous update.
"Oh, we're delighted, The Hillbot, can now express mild appreciation, stern joy and effortless awkwardness," chief operator of the robot Robby Mook explained, "while humanoid robots are a relatively new technology, we firmly believe that if someone who had particularly poor eyesight saw this model they'd almost believe it was human".
The robot, designed in America and assembled in a Chinese kindergarten, had previously had a software patch fitted which allowed it to quickly respond to questions and sycophantically agree with whatever opinion was expressed in order to become well liked by a human.
Not everyone is impressed with the latest update however, as many people report feeling ill at ease with seeing a robot attempt to take on human characteristics, becoming nauseous at the sight.
"I just don't trust it, it's a bit uncanny valley for me. And worst of all, you get the weird feeling it doesn't even know it's a robot," shared tech sceptic and Florida native Will Orphen.
Four Osaka-based companies recently got together to develop a new technology to help mask unpleasant odours emanating from vacuum trucks, which are commonly used to collect sewage from homes. On 29 September, the companies jointly announced that the foul-smelling trucks will now be able to emit a sweet, chocolate-like fragrance instead.
Thu, 29 Sep 2016 18:46 UTC
Disney said the new schedule 'fills the gaps' in releases because Star Wars episodes 8 & 9 and a Han Solo film just aren't enough to
The schedule is set to kick off with Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, followed within the hour by Mace Windu: Champion of the Force, Bossk - A Bounty Hunter's Tale and a romantic comedy called TK-421, Trooper in Love.
"Casting Jim Carrey as Trooper TK-421 in a series of hilarious romantic misadventures is likely to be the most popular move we've made in Star Wars since the introduction of Jar-Jar Binks," we were told.
"We had asked Adam Sandler but he said he was too busy, which is a first."
The studio has confirmed films about everyone you can think of, including Yoda, an origin story for the Wampa monster, and a tragic tale of family conflict seen through the eyes of that droid that does nothing but waddle around going "Doink".
Disney CEO Kathleen Kennedy told reporters that her objective was to support fans in their love of Star Wars and hoped they'd take the new additions to the universe to their hearts, although she was interrupted by Scrooge McDuck skiing past her on the gigantic pile of money.
Waterford Whispers News
Fri, 23 Sep 2016 21:36 UTC
Answering to the name 'David Gowan', the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a Dungarvan neighbourhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.
The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David's parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.