Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Researcher hopes discovery lays Mona Lisa mystery to rest

ROME -- The world's most famously enigmatic woman may have shed some of her mystery.

An amateur Italian historian said yesterday he has found the final resting place of the woman some believe inspired Leonardo da Vinci's most renowned painting, the "Mona Lisa."

A death certificate shows Lisa Gherardini -- the Renaissance woman some believe was the model for the "Mona Lisa" -- died July 15, 1542, in Florence and is buried in a convent in central Florence, Giuseppe Pallanti said.

Magic Wand

First Twin Jenna Seeks Publishing Contract - Hasn't Written Anything

Amazing what an ignorant know-nothing can do when her daddy is president/dictator.


Mystery visitor makes 58th visit to Edgar Allan Poe's grave

A mystery man made the 58th consecutive visit to Edgar Allan Poe's grave in Baltimore this morning and was watched by the largest group of onlookers ever, the event's most faithful viewer said.

Jeff Jerome, curator of the Poe House and Museum, said 55 people braved a chilly morning to catch a glimpse of the annual visit of a man known as the Poe toaster to the writer's grave.

As he has done previously to mark Poe's birthday, the visitor arrived to place his half-empty bottle of cognac and three red roses at the grave, Jerome said.

Bizarro Earth

Ohio city may rename 'South Park'

MARYSVILLE, Ohio - You don't find fans of Cartman and Kenny on the Parks and Recreation Commission in the central Ohio city of Marysville. The panel has decided it's time to rename a local park that has come to be known as "South Park."

Magic Wand

Forget your Day-Job. Become a Psychic!

There seems to be an overwhelming number of "gifted" individuals on this planet. Just look at the classifieds in the newspaper or the advertising section in the back of virtually any women's magazine. And for anywhere between $3 and $6 a minute, you can gain telephone access to them or their "team".

But if you want to make some real money, you need to have some real psychic skills and you need to be able to demonstrate them under specific conditions. There must be real psychics out there that know next Monday's Lotto numbers, or know which three horses will win the Trifecta down at the track. That should be a pretty simple task for anyone who can "see" into the future. It's strange that you never hear about them.
Clearly such a challenge was created by an idiot who is incapable of understanding the laws of physics. Psychic's predictions are not repeatable and are unpredictable predictions, otherwise they would have been already described by equations. They are like events with probability 0 - they happen all the time, but we realize it only after they have happened.

Monkey Wrench

Best of the Web: God Interviews George Bush at the Pearly Gates

Let's imagine for a moment that George W. Bush is being interviewed by God for entry into Heaven. (and George's replies are actual quotes from Bush.)

God: Okay, George, you're on the bubble here. We allowed Laura in, but we need to clear up a few things about your time spent on earth.

Bush: Okay, Lord. Shoot! Hallelujah.

God: In 1989 you made the following comment: "You know I could run for governor but I'm basically a media creation. I've never done anything. I've worked for my dad. I worked in the oil business. But that's not the kind of profile you have to have to get elected to public office."

Bizarro Earth

Successful Pyschic Predicts LA Quake In 2007

A very strong earthquake centered near Los Angeles on March 13th 2007 causes damage to buildings and roads, bridges as well as some injuries. This is not the " Big One" but will cause some serious damage

An outbreak of a rare virus near or in the city of Boston in May or early June of 2007. Many people are hospitalized and a particular building is quarantined.

An overall increase in violent crimes by 15% 2007-2008 USA [...]

Comment: It seems to us that several of the "psychic predictions" made by this individual could have been made by anyone able to indulge in a little objective news and current affairs analysis.

After all, it's no secret that "the big one" is expected soon in the California region, and the accurate prediction of a "rare virus outbreak" could hardly be called "supernatural" given the many warnings over the past few years about a rare form of avian flu being set to swoop down upon us. And predicting that the price of gold will rise?? Come on! With the Bush government threatening to attack Iran, that one's a no-brainer. Same goes for the "prediction" that "several globally exported food crops will see a dramatic increase in price after difficult growing season in both India and Brazil in 2007-2008." Climate change anyone? As for crime in the US; that has been on the overall rise year on year for decades.

Of course, this particular psychic throws in specific dates, just to set himself apart from the ordinary mortal, yet he is undoubtedly well aware that, even if the dates are incorrect, as long as the actual event, or something similar occurs, he will be able to claim the kudos of being an accurate psychic.

So you see, it is easy to be a "psychic" these days, especially when the level of Western government aggression and media duplicity has reached such staggering heights. To be a "psychic" in today's world is to simply have a healthy interest in and taste for the Truth, which is exactly what you get on Signs of the Times. No sacred cows, no Bull.

Bizarro Earth

Belief that Six-legged cow probably heralds apocalypse

Residents of the Colombian town of Villa Vieja got a bit of a surprise when a calf was born with six legs, two sets of genitals and two udders.

'The calf has six legs, two vaginas and six nipples,' explained the animal's owner, Salvador Vanegas.

Vanegas, who has been raising cattle for many years, said it was the first time he has seen a calf born with that many legs and vaginas.

Dozens of residents of Villa Vieja - in Colombia's central Huila province - gathered at Vanega's ranch at the weekend to see the leggy, double-vagina'd animal.


SOTT Focus: Optimism on Edge -- Stupid or Cointelpro?

The future's so bright, we gotta wear shades

When Alexander Pope said, 'hope springs eternal in the human breast', he followed it with:

Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

Unfortunately, most people never get past the first line. If they did, they would understand that Pope's message in this case was not exactly one of optimism, unless an optimist is someone who wins every argument with "hey, at least there's heaven!"


Who will deliver the next big discovery? -Baby talk

Neh. Neh. NEHHH!!!
That means "I'm hungry. I'm hungry. HEY, I'M HUNGRY!" in newborn.

That's according to Priscilla Dunstan, a woman who believes she's cracked the code of infants up to 3 months old.

Dunstan, an Australian mom who recently described her findings on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," has come up with a five-word blueprint for what the world's little tykes are trying to tell their folks. Her theory is that all babies have the same physical needs - hunger, sleep, relief of discomfort, relief from gas - so their bodies produce the same sounds, or words, based on those needs.

For example, the "neh" sound is made when a baby positions its mouth to suck, with its tongue on the roof of its mouth - all babies eat the same way - and then starts its pre-cry noise.