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Fri, 01 Dec 2023
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Zombie wandering Capitol Hill in search of brains starves to death

zombie wahington capitol building
© The Babylon Bee
According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.

"BRAAAAAAIINS!" said a reanimated corpse as he walked by Chuck Schumer, Lauren Boebert, AOC, and Ilhan Omar with disinterest. "NEEEED BRAAAAAAAAINS!"

Sources say that the reanimated corpse then shuffled to a stop and collapsed on the sidewalk of the National Mall in exhaustion. D.C.'s coroner later confirmed the undead creature died again of malnutrition, as there wasn't a single human skull containing a brain for miles around.

"We never paid much attention to him and he never bothered us for some reason," said Cori Bush while scratching her head, which made a slight echoing noise. "We just assumed he was a homeless guy or a staffer. Too bad."

At publishing time, a local vampire had also checked into the D.C. hospital for malnutrition as he was unable to find any non-lizard blood.

Comment: Bonus Halloween Bee!


Chaos at Congressional Halloween party: House Republicans all show up wearing identical clown costumes

congress clowns clownworld satire halloween
© The Babylon Bee
A large number of lawmakers on Capitol Hill felt embarrassed today, as Republicans from the House of Representatives all showed up to the Congressional Halloween Party dressed in the same clown costume.

"Oh, man, this is really embarrassing," said former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy while adjusting his big red nose. "Believe it or not, we didn't even plan this, it was just totally by happenstance that we all came to the Capitol looking like clowns. Now everyone in the country will think we're idiots."

Despite still not being able to fill the position of Speaker since McCarthy's ousting weeks ago, House GOP members had hoped to unwind and enjoy the costume party. "It's been such a train wreck with the Speaker stuff," said Patrick McHenry, who was only identifiable by being the shortest clown in the room. "With the Republican caucus feeling like such a circus, I felt compelled to dress up like a clown. Looks like all of my colleagues had the same idea."

While other lawmakers showed creativity and individuality with their costumes (Rashida Tlaib showed up as a rabid antisemite), some Republicans were proud to finally show some form of solidarity with each other. "It's been a long time since we were all in agreement," said Jim Jordan. "This is the most cohesive and united we've looked in a long time."

At publishing time, the Halloween party was reported to be a bust, as the GOP majority was unable to agree on a music playlist for the event.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

Pumpkin 2

Yellen says two wars 'no problem' for US: She gets 20% 'friends & family' discount with Raytheon

janet yellen

U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen
U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen calmed growing concerns throughout the nation's capital this week by explaining the United States can easily afford to pay for two separate foreign wars because of the 20% "Friends & Family" discount she receives from Raytheon.

"I've got you covered!" Yellen said with a smile after multiple U.S. officials expressed doubt the country could stay afloat financially while simultaneously funding wars in Israel and Ukraine. "With the killer discount I get from Raytheon, we'll be bombing people into oblivion on two continents, all without breaking the bank!"

Yellen then produced her limited edition Raytheon Gold Card and offered to put the wars on her personal tab. "Janet really bailed us out on this one," said Air Force Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Jr., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "She even has a 'Preferred Customer' Raytheon punch card, so we're only a couple more wars away from getting a free war! Taiwan, here we come!"

The Treasury Secretary was all too happy to help out. "Running a country can be expensive," she said, "especially when it doesn't even bother to pay its own debts. Thankfully, with this 'Friends & Family' discount, we'll be mortgaging the future of our country at a much more favorable rate! Thanks, Raytheon!"

At publishing time, Yellen had scheduled a meeting with Pentagon officials to tell them about Raytheon's new promotion that would allow the U.S. to save big on wars by bundling them together.


Kenyan authorities arrest fake lawyer who WON 26 High Court cases

Brian Mwenda
© Twitter / @AdvocateMwenda
A undated photograph of a man claiming to be Brian Mwenda
Brian Mwenda reportedly claimed that his record makes him a "genius"

A student posing as a High Court lawyer has been arrested in Kenya after winning dozens of cases. The man has reportedly demanded that he be admitted to the bar despite being uncovered as a fraud.

Before his recent arrest, Brian Mwenda "argued 26 cases before High Court Judges, Magistrates, and Court of Appeal Judges," the Facts East Africa social media page reported on Thursday, adding that he won all 26 cases.

The Law Society of Kenya (LSK) confirmed on Friday that Mwenda assumed the identity of a real lawyer named Brian Mwenda in August 2022, using the real advocate's details to register himself as a member of the bar.

Comment: Lawyer is as lawyer does. Mwenda seems to have demonstrated high competence as legal counsel. Creative, too.


Pentagon accuses China of being Chinese

Psychopath Austin
© The Onion
WASHINGTON — Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. "After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, explaining that surveillance shows the rival superpower has been amassing millions of Chinese people within its borders.

"We have always suspected that China might be Chinese, but now we have discovered that President Xi Jinping and past leaders have been secretly letting Chinese ideology run rampant in their country for years. They've even gone so far as to invent an entire Chinese language and history; what else could they be hiding?"

At press time, Pentagon officials claimed the situation had reached a level of concern they had not felt since they first suspected Russia of being Russian.


AOC asks why we need a House Speaker since everyone already has headphones

aOC ocasio cortez satire

"I mean, like, they're stereo and everything."
Marking an historic moment in our nation's history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.

"Why do we need a House Speaker if every one of us already has headphones?" Asked the esteemed representative from New York while holding her custom-engraved Airpods in the air.

The room fell silent as lawmakers from both sides of the aisle turned to listen to Ocasio-Cortez's wisdomly soliloquy as she described how the whole world surely receives piles of nice headphones in little gift bags from well-dressed lobbyists just like she does, begging the question: Why speakers?

After hearing the argument from Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, Georgia's Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene was seen staring at her own headphones, perplexed.

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had died after being laughed at by Matt Gaetz.


Monkey spotted 'working' at railway office typing and flicking through files

monkey works rail station india
© the_heavy_locopilot/Instagram
Train passengers were left baffled and amused after seeing the monkey purchased on the office chair flipping through papers and typing on the computer keyboard, mimicking the employees
Travellers were left baffled after walking into a railway office to find a real-life monkey "working" behind the desk.

One customer captured the langur monkey sitting behind the desk in an office chair on video. The footage also showed the beast typing away on the keyboard and flipping through files.

People believe the new employee has learned the behaviour after watching the train staff hard at work. The monkey business was captured at Bolpur Shantiniketan railway station in Bengal, India.


Gavin Newsom: California believes in free speech and if you disagree you will be arrested

© Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
California Governor Gavin Newsom
In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.

"We believe in free speech and freedom here in the Golden State," said Newsom while nibbling on a 3000-dollar broasted hummingbird with stem cell-infused bordelaise. "Here in California, you're free to wear masks at all times, pay lots of taxes, give gay porn to elementary school kids, turn in your guns, and all kinds of other classic American pastimes! Yay, freedom!"

The governor went on to warn that any disagreement with his opinion of California's freedoms would result in prosecution and prison time. "Disagreeing with me is anti-American and fascist," he said while sampling his main course of live baby goat.

Independent studies have confirmed Newsom's claim, although it is unclear whether the researchers who ran the study were just trying to avoid getting arrested by Newsom. "Our research places California at number 1 in a list of the freest places in the whole entire universe," said one nervous-looking scientist.

At publishing time, rumors had surfaced that Newsom was planning to run for President in his quest to make the entire country as free as California.


To avoid embarrassing falls, Biden to be transported by aides using presidential hand truck

biden hand truck avoid falls satire
© The Babylon Bee
Better look than a wheelchair?
The White House announced a new directive Tuesday they say will put an end to President Joe Biden's endless pratfalls once and for all: transporting the leader of the free world on an official presidential hand truck.

"Whoa, look at me go!" Biden said excitedly as he was pushed up the tarmac to Air Force One. "I'm flying!"

The presidential hand truck was specially designed by the nation's top scientists and is reportedly able to withstand the blast of a nuclear bomb.

"This baby is made out of the same heavy-duty material as the space shuttle," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre as she introduced the stylish presidential hand truck, code-named Limp. "It's completely bulletproof and capable of speeds in excess of 5 miles per hour."

According to sources, Biden is impressed by the hand truck's ability to whisk him away from journalists who keep asking him annoying questions about his undeniable corruption.

"Whoosh!" Biden cried out on one such occasion. "Frender limbergrander, man! Weeeeeeeee!"

At publishing time, the president had honored the hand truck with a Presidential Medal of Freedom.


Trudeau attempts to distract from Nazi controversy by growing cool new mustache

trudeau hitler mustache
After an embarrassing incident in which the Canadian government honored a Nazi SS veteran in parliament, Canada's dictator Justin Trudeau attempted to distract from the controversy by unveiling some cool new facial hair.

"If there's anything that has been a real asset to me in my career, it's my beautiful Cuban hair," said Trudeau to official state media reporters. "Canadians will swoon when they see my sexy new mustache and all will be forgiven! Wenn du wie die Sonne strahlen willst, musst du zuerst so brennen!"

Hundreds of gathered supporters gasped with delight upon seeing Trudeau's new look for the first time.