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Mon, 06 Jul 2020
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Redskins change name to 'Lizard People' to better represent population of Washington, DC

lizard people
There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin.

The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is more fitting for a team representing the capital of our country. To that end, the team officially announced today they would be renaming themselves to "The Washington Lizard People."

"This is a much better name, far more reflective of the great city of Washington, D.C.," said Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.'s representative. "All the politicians, bureaucrats, and leaders here in the district felt the name had great appeal."

Politicians immediately expressed their support for the name change, saying they can relate to a team called the Lizard People. "I see a name like Lizard People, and I know that's a team I can be proud of," said Adam Schiff, his eyes hungrily following a fly buzzing around the room. He licked his lips. "Much better than that Redskins nonsense. Hey, look over there, is that Vladimir Putin?" As reporters turned to look, Schiff shot a long tongue out of his mouth, lightning-quick, and nabbed the fly. "Oh, must have been mistaken," he said, shrugging.

Smiley

Rest easy: FBI hires top-Rated Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli to protect Ghislaine Maxwell

hillary prison guard maxwell
© The Babylon Bee
Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli.

"It's-a me, Clintonelli!" said the world-renowned bodyguard arriving at the prison.

Thanks to the particularly glowing reviews from high-profile individuals such as President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew, all federal prison security checks were waived for Hiluigi. "There's simply no one else that we trust to execute this job as she can."

"Mamma mia, this simply will not do!" exclaimed Hiluigi Clintonelli as she forcefully cleared the room. She warned that anyone other than her could be a threat to Ghislaine's life.

Clintonelli also connected all camera feeds to her personal server to ensure that all recorded video was properly secured.

Smiley

Michelangelo statue desecrated over 'harmful' stereotype about white men's penis size

Michelangelo’s David
HISTORIANS and art enthusiasts alike have called for more action over an ever growing trend in statue defilement today after protesters tore down and permanently damaged Michelangelo's David over what they claim is 'harmful' stereotypes about white men's penis size, WWN can confirm.

Last night, dozens of caucasian men descended on the Galleria dell'Accademia in Florence, Italy, and began rocking the 16th century artwork back and forth, before crashing it to the ground and kicking at the statues nether regions.

"For centuries people have been posing for pictures while pointing and laughing at David's tiny white dick, causing undue pain and suffering to the white community," one protestor defended the act of vandalism, insisting the group of white men weren't angry because they themselves have small penises.

"No, no, we're just saying it's a racial stereotype and nothing to do with us personally; everyone here has really big dicks," the man swore, with more men coming forward in a bid to defend their manhood.

"Michelangelo obviously used a nude model who had to stand in a really cold room all day; that's why David's member looks like a terrified turtle," put another worried looking man who was exuding Small Dick Energy.

Attention

Jonathan Pie: WOKE Utopia

Jonathan Pie

Cancel culture comes full circle as an MP is fired for posting an article from The Independent.


Light Saber

Japan awards first-ever ninja studies degree

ninja training
© AFP 2020
A Japanese university has awarded the first-ever degree in ninja studies.

Students at Japan's Mie University can now answer the question "can I major in the study of ninjas," with "shuriken!"

Masters student Genichi Mitsuhashi, 45, spent two years examining historical documents on the true nature of the stealth fighters while perfecting his martial arts skills, reports AFP. In March, he completed the master's course at Mie University in central Japan. Part of Mie Prefecture was once known as Iga Province and is considered to be where ninjas originated from.

Mitsuhashi previously studied rural development at Kyoto University's graduate school, and started learning kung fu, Shorinji Kempo and other martial arts in high school and continued into his 20s, when he became interested in knowing more about ninjas. In addition to practicing those skills while he studied at Mie University, he also absorbed and embodied the lifestyle and complex traditions of the feudal martial arts experts, telling AFP that he took all elements of being a ninja seriously, including the ones that don't show up in movies.

Smiley

Patriotic cities protecting statues by disguising them as Karl Marx

statue karl marx disguise
© The Babylon Bee
Teddy Roosevelt gets a camouflage makeover
Looking to protect their statues and other municipal monuments, cities and towns across the country have begun disguising their statues as Karl Marx.

City councils all over are ordering Karl Marx wigs and putting them on Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington, Christopher Columbus, and other statues. The move has proven extremely effective at deterring Antifa and other extremist groups, who are only looking for statues of old hateful white guys to destroy and not statues of communists.

"As soon as enraged rioters see the statue isn't of a dangerous, murderous madman whose ideas killed hundreds of millions but is just of Karl Marx, they move on," said one city council member in Illinois as he put a Karl Marx wig and beard on a statue of Abraham Lincoln. "Well, first, they bow respectfully to their hero and then move on."

Plaques on the statues with controversial quotes from the Founding Fathers are also being covered up with Marx quotes like "Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution!" and "Workers of the world, unite!"

Some towns are reporting that Che Guevara chin stubble and a beret also work wonders at saving the monuments.

Smiley

Man horrified as kids give him noose for Father's Day

man holding tie
Local father of two Bradley Carson was horrified, shocked, offended, and aggrieved Sunday as his family gave him several racist symbols for Father's Day, the kids and his wife each having given him a noose.

"I was literally shaking," Carson, a white progressive, said. "It was a clear message, plain and simple: we hate you because of your skin color. Well, I mean, not my skin color. But I'm offended on behalf of some people somewhere who might have been offended by this."

Carson called the FBI to investigate. After a thorough search of his house, they determined the nooses were actually neckties and that he had several dozen of them in his closet. Carson is standing by his story, though, saying, "I know a noose when I see one. This was a loop that goes around a human's neck for no other purpose than to send a racist dog whistle to my oppressors."

"It is literally violence."

The man later fainted from shock while tying his shoes.

Corona

Why the Lockdown Should Last Longer

Awaken with JP video
© YouTube/AwakenWithJP (screen capture)
Here's why the lockdown should never end. In the global pandemic the lockdown has been used and extended. Many think it should end. Here's why they're wrong and it should potentially never end.


USA

US Navy SEALs to be replaced with social workers

Social Worker and Terrorist
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — The Navy SEALs are being disbanded and replaced with a new branch of the military: The United States Social Workers.

The social workers will be dropped into terrorist hideouts to talk with militants about their feelings and defuse the situation. The move was made as a push against police work and firearms continues across the nation. As people continue to call on police departments to be defunded, the next logical target was the Navy SEALs.

Arrow Down

The very talented Greta Thunberg

Besides being able to see CO2, Greta is also a virus expert.

Greta Thunberg
Greta can see CO2!