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Thu, 01 Dec 2022
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Smiley

New Elf On The Shelf will be scanning your social media account to see if you misgendered anyone

elf on shelf cell phone christmas
© The Babylon Bee
A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice: an Elf on the Shelf with the ability to hack into and review social media accounts for examples of misgendering and other hate speech.

Gilford McTwinklebottom, Director of Research and Development for Naughtiness Surveillance, told gathered reporters, "Our new Elf represents the cutting edge of naughty detection technology. Our scientists were able to combine normal elf DNA with a strain of highly volatile DNA that we were able to obtain from Taylor Lorenz. We then combined that with the same technology that shows you a bunch of Metamucil ads on your Instagram feed whenever you say you have to go to the bathroom. The result is the perfect Elf on the Shelf, and something that is not at all creepy to have in your house watching you all the time."

Developers say the new E.O.T.S. will spend days observing normal naughty behavior, like tantrums or hiding in the pantry while you eat brownies and drink wine. But at night, the elf will use its advanced capabilities to review all household social media accounts to make sure that everyone acknowledges that "Trans! People! Are! People!" and that there are no suspicious likes or shares of Elon Musk, Tulsi Gabbard, or that pillow guy.

"Just be good, for goodness sake!" continued Mr. McTwinklebottom. "As long as everyone behaves, you'll never find yourself on the FBI's naughty list. Did I say FBI? I meant Santa! Santa's naughty list! Whoops! Ha ha!"

Mr. Twinklebottom then announced he was leaving Santa's Workshop to manage the App Store for Apple.

Smiley

In huge Black Friday sale, store to sell everything for price it was before Biden became President

Store shopping
RALEIGH, NC — A local retailer is making waves after announcing its most dramatic Black Friday sale ever, in which every item in the store is marked down to whatever the price was before Biden became President.

Smiley

Nancy Pelosi caught stealing Speaker Of The House podium as souvenir

pelosi steals speaker podium satire
© The Babylon Bee
After being fired from her role as Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi was photographed nonchalantly stealing the official Speaker podium to take home as a souvenir.

"Later, suckers!" said Ms. Pelosi as she strolled by House Republicans, still toting the podium. "Man, it feels good to be a gangster."

Capitol Police have not yet discovered the whereabouts of the missing podium, but are following up on several leads. "We actually just got a call about a woman in a pantsuit passed out drunk by the Reflecting Pool, so the podium is probably nearby," said Officer Jon Farthing. "Still, just to be safe, we will probably send an agent to go pistol whip Chip Gaines."

Ms. Pelosi was elected Speaker of the House in 2007, though it was not until a brief period of sobriety in May 2008 that Pelosi first realized that she had become Speaker. She primarily dedicated her tenure to murdering as many babies as possible, then occasionally pretending to be Catholic just to troll people. Having lost power in 2011, Ms. Pelosi regained her title as Speaker in 2019, after which she delivered unmatched insider trading results - netting the millions of dollars necessary to keep her eyebrows elevated.

At publishing time, the Capitol police had reported the podium was discovered in the possession of some guy named Ray Epps.

Comment: Bonus Bee! Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:




Smiley

Realistic holiday toy ad: Nerf airs two hours of dad picking up darts

dad nerf darts holiday ad satire
© The Babylon Bee
With the holidays just around the corner, Nerf has introduced its new line of high-capacity, rapid-fire guns with a highly realistic ad that is just two hours of Dad picking up darts.

The ad begins with a dad waking up, donning his robe, then picking up darts while walking to the bathroom. It then follows him for hours through the yard as he picks up darts and grumbles under his breath.

"Our creative team dove into researching what the true Nerf experience really looks like," said VP of Product Marketing Franko Doofshmill while picking up darts carpeting his office. "I think we nailed it."

The ad purports to strike at the heart of what Nerf is all about by showing a dad fishing a nerf dart out of his coffee, finding handfuls of darts while looking for the remote, and secretly trashing enough darts to lighten the chore but not so many that the kids would notice.

At publishing time, Nerf had released another hyper-realistic ad showing a mom taking a Nerf gun away from her son for aiming at his sister's face again.

Smiley

Former Twitter employee wonders where the meditation room is at new Taco Bell

taco bell employee satire
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, a local developer who was recently let go from Twitter is having a difficult time finding the meditation room at his new job at the SFO Airport Taco Bell.

"Huh. It's gotta be around here somewhere," said the confused 2nd shift Burrito Assembly Specialist as he looked around the facility. "I hope I find it soon because that last order was very, very stressful."

Sources say the man previously held a prestigious position at Twitter as an Assistant Algorithmic Diversity Intervention and Sensitivity Coordinator making $238,000 per year. He also enjoyed free food, unlimited naps, and the use of 42 conveniently placed "quiet rooms" for transcendental meditation between meetings.

"Hey guuuuuuuys, where do I go to meditate around here?" he said to his confused coworkers before slipping in a puddle of nacho cheese and collapsing on the floor in a fit of sobs. His shift manager then kindly informed him that he could meditate in the cooler for a few minutes as long as he brought back 3 bags of shredded lettuce.

At publishing time, the man had been fired after insulting his shift manager on Twitter.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




Smoking

Lung distance: Chain-smoking grandpa runs marathon in 3.5 hours

grandfather chain smoke marathon
© Weibo
Mr. "Uncle Chen" redefined smoking the competition after running an entire marathon while puffing away on cigarettes.
A man affectionately known as 'Uncle Chen' was seen running an entire marathon with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he completed the endurance event in a respectable time

He puff, puff, passed the other marathoners in this smoking run.

A Chinese grandpa redefined smoking the competition after running an entire marathon in just 3.5 hours while puffing away on cigarettes. Images of the chain-smoking athlete are lighting up Weibo — the Chinese social media platform — as fans praise his respiratory fortitude.

The 50-year-old runner, known as Uncle Chen, accomplished the breath-taking feat at the Xin'anjiang Marathon in Jiande, running the entire 26.2 miles while either smoking or lighting up a cig, the Mirror reported.

Arrow Up

The last will and testament of the human race

Solar System Sale
© Illustration by Jacey
Take note that this is the Last Will and Testament of the Human Race, dated 11.15.76339742 UGD, given freely and without duress by our nominated leaders under Galactic Law DK1-MBP-159Ka.

We, the last remaining representatives of the Human Race, having been certified Category J Sentient and therefore of sufficiently sound mind to express a preference for the disposal of our remaining worlds and worldly goods, do hereby bequeath our assets as follows:

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars and their satellites, and the Asteroid Belt extending beyond Mars towards Jupiter: we hand these properties to the Martians. We're sorry we did not recognize your life forms as sentient beings until we had rendered your home world almost completely uninhabitable. Although it is no excuse, we were looking solely for oxygen-breathing carbon-based life forms. We got it wrong. We wish you and your planet a strong recovery (or indeed, any recovery) and hope that, in time, you will be able to evolve as stewards of the inner planets, with a more responsible attitude than ourselves. They are more beautiful than we realized; when we realized, it was too late for us.

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and accompanying satellites: these were previously sold to the Helium-3 Cold Fusion Corporation to fund the military expansion of our Glorious Human Empire. Well you know the outcome there. How could we have been so arrogant to think that the Galaxy would not intervene as we started to conquer our neighbours' systems under the pretext of our own security? These assets are naturally outside the scope of this will.

Pluto, Planet X and satellites: unfortunately, ownership was recently lost when the undersigned became a victim of the Zeta Leporis Diplomat Scam. There was no money waiting for us in a dead ambassador's account. With that, our last chance to impose our will on any part of this Galaxy has disappeared. On reflection, that is no bad thing.

Smiley

Biden's congratulations call to Fetterman lasts three hours as neither can form a coherent sentence

Biden Fetterman satire
© The Babylon Bee
President Biden's congratulatory call to John Fetterman for his senate race win reportedly lasted in excess of three hours because neither man was able to form a coherent sentence.

White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain was forced to adjust Biden's schedule as the call dragged on and on. Meetings on the economy, foreign policy, and immigration were canceled entirely. Fortunately, Biden was still able to keep his standing tea time with Kamala.

"They just sort of growled at each other after a while. It was very raw and animalistic, as you'd expect from great leaders," Klain said, advising Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre on how best to spin the time-consuming call.

An excerpt of the official transcript of the call has been made available by the White House. A brief excerpt of the call follows —
POTUS: Look, Jack, you great, boy. Not a joke.

Fetterman: Me John. Who Jack?

POTUS: You Jack, man. Come on!

Fetterman: [unintelligible chatter]

POTUS: No. I'm serious! Think about it.

Fetterman: Uh, new phone. Who dis?

POTUS: Hello?

Fetterman: [heavy breathing]

POTUS: [heavy breathing]
At publishing time, White House aides deactivated President Biden's phone after he once again phoned to ask John Fetterman if the senator-elect would consider running for senate.

Attention

Hammer Time

Too Legit to Hit. Can't touch this!
Hammer Time
© The Good Citizen
Nightly Memo

To: Alphabet News Networks & National Affiliates

From: Mockingbird, HQ
Dept: Political Communications
Division: Perception Management
Desk: Kink

Revision: Right-Wing Political Violence
Status: Ultra MAGA
Activate: Hammer Time
Level: Deep

Producer: Start teleprompter...commercial ending...we're back in 3, 2, 1...

Tonight at eleven, a spooky story of political rage and right-wing violence has shattered the moral fabric of our completely healthy and stable country.

Husband of the Speaker of the House and third in line to the throne of Oligarch servantry, undefeated stock market picker, part-time drunk driver with unlisted male companions, and lover of Do-It-Yourself home improvement work was assaulted at Speaker's Manor in the early hours Friday morning.

Run footage of crime tape with FBI agents on the scene.

Paul Pelosi was doing urgent home improvement work at 2 am in his underwear at Speaker's Manor when an Ultra MAGA intruder smashed through the back patio window of the Speaker's Manor with a hammer.

The intruder was apparently yelling, "Where's Nancy?" in reference to Paul's wife Nancy Pelosi who was out of town.

Paul Pelosi was able to distance himself from the intruder by saying he needed to use the bathroom. The intruder was attempting to tie him up with leather and chains Paul had purchased as part of his home improvement project, but let Mr. Pelosi leave anyway to relieve himself.

Smiley

Elon Musk admits he spent $44 billion just to pull off a Dad joke

elon musk twitter headquarters dad joke
Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say "Let that sink in," he's admitted the purchase was all just an elaborate dad joke that cost him billions.

Experts say it was the most expensive dad joke in history.

"I was thinking it'd be funny to walk into a company I just bought and bring a sink in," Musk told reporters. "Because then I could say, 'Let that sink in' or maybe 'I'm giving it my all - everything and the kitchen sink.' That last one needs some workshopping. But you get the idea."

Musk then reportedly started looking for companies he could buy and decided Twitter would be high profile enough so that many people would be able to see and enjoy his dad joke. "It wouldn't be worth buying some small company and bringing a sink in, because then only a few hundred million people would take notice and laugh at this classic gag. It would be too remote to be an effective demonstration."

"Yeah, I could have spent a little less. But you gotta go big. Do it for the joke," Musk said. "Maybe next time I'll buy Facebook for $300 billion or something. Then I'll build three wells outside their door. They'll open the door and I'll jump out and say, 'Well, well, well.' Ha, classic. Hey Edgar, can you give Zuckerberg a call?"

Dads across the country praised Musk's commitment to the joke, saying, "Classic!" and "Nice one, bro!"