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Sun, 08 Dec 2019
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'If elected, I will put AOC in charge of math' says Bernie

Bernie and AOC
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — Bernie Sanders has promised that Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will play a key role in his White House if he's elected, saying he will put her in charge of math.

Sanders said he will create a Department of Math that will make sure everyone knows math and figure out ways to bend mathematical realities to conform to his socialist ideas.

"I'm gonna have Alexandria here run all the numbers and make sure everything adds up," Sanders said in a campaign speech, waving his hands around as though he were on a desert island signaling for help from a passing ship. "Every great socialist has a great math guy---or girl---running the numbers. She can approve the math textbooks, figure out the tax stuff, and count the number of people in the breadlines."


Democrats make environmental commitment: Will use only 100% recycled talking points

democrats climate action
Once again, Democrats are at the forefront of making real progress in the battle against climate change. A party-wide commitment has been announced to use only 100% recycled talking points. "Earth first," said Nancy Pelosi at the hearing where the decision was unanimously embraced.

Blue bins have been provided to all democratic politicians as receptacles for talking points to be disposed of, then processed and reused, producing no new ideas. Climatologists say the plan will reduce carbon emissions immeasurably.

Republicans have refused to get on board, stating that the only talking points they'll be using will be produced by liquefied dinosaur bones and lots of fire. Others say nuclear talking points are a viable option that democrats refuse to embrace.

Over 100 climate scientists signed a statement saying that irreversible climate disaster is inevitable if politicians do not stick to using only 100% recycled materials in their speech.

While the effort has been commended by many, skeptics claim that the process used to recycle talking points produces the same amount of hot air emissions and will do little in the overall effort to curb their effects.

Mr. Potato

Poor choice of words! South Dakota spends nearly $500,000 on anti-meth ad campaign with tagline "Meth - We're On it"

Meth. We're on it
South Dakota's Department of Social Services has spent nearly half a million dollars on an anti-meth ad campaign with the tagline "Meth. We're On It."

No, this is not The Onion.

"The campaign's motto features the phrase, "Meth. We're on it," over an outline of South Dakota, and the ad and posters feature people of differing in ages and races saying, "I'm on meth," reports the Argus Leader.

A video shows Governor Kristi Noem telling the camera, "I'm on meth," before she explains that "on it" means "on the case of meth."

Comment: Geeze, someone couldn't come up with one of the following?!:

"I'm aware of Meth", or "I'm taking a stand against Meth", or "Meth is killing us", or "The Meth epidemic affects all of us"??

Anything less ambiguous really would have been better.

Maybe the ad men at Broadhead Co. really are on Meth!


Kevin Spacey to play Prince Andrew in season 4 of 'The Crown'

kevin spacey
FRESH from the superb third season of the critical hit that is Netflix's regal drama 'The Crown' comes the news all streaming fans wanted to hear; season 4 has been given the green light with filming already under way.

"The strained relationship between Princess Margaret and Queen Elizabeth II was further explored in season three, but for next season there will be a focus on the now adult Prince Andrew and we can think of no one better to portray such malignant ineptitude than Kevin Spacey," shared the producers behind the drama which shows the royal family at their most noble and respectable.

While fans of the show might not be on board with the time jump from the 1960s and 70s to the present day or Spacey himself, there is a general acceptance that they're confident they will have equal disdain for Spacey and the prince.

"Some would say he's the prefect fit for the role, he's no stranger to experiencing absolutely zero repercussions for his actions and they're both creepy as hell," shared one viewer, speaking about the casting news.

"The accent might prove difficult, but Kevin will have no trouble displaying Andrew's complete detachment from the horrible and reprehensible things he's alleged to have done," added a Netflix executive.

Olivia Coleman, widely regarded as the finest actor in the world today, will return to play the Queen in season 4 and has already said acting like the Queen had no idea what her son was up to will be her toughest acting challenge to date.


Derbyshire, UK: Swans are knocking on doors to demand food, and have taught cygnets to copy behaviour

swans asking for food
© Kennedy News & Media
The polite swans have been demanding bread and water
Swans who 'won't take no for an answer' have taken to knocking on villagers' doors to demand food and have taught their cygnets to copy their behaviour.

The residents of Kirk Hallam, Derbyshire, have learned to keep a loaf of bread around at all times in case the beaked visitors come to call.

Care worker Carley Holmes, 40, said the swans have been coming to her house for years and has filmed them waddling up to her house and making their hungry demands.

She said that although they scare off postal workers: "I wouldn't be without the swans.

"I know other people who live locally also have a special place in their hearts for the swans. They do actually make the effort to get bread for them.

"I grew up in a house that faced the lake. Ever since I was little, the swans came doorknocking.

"In 2002 I moved very close to where I grew up, hence why the swans are still coming from the lake. They are very well known locally.

Mr. Potato

Prince Andrew: I couldn't have been interviewed by BBC Newsnight because I was at a Burger King in Swansea

Prince Andrew
© WPA/Getty
Prince Andrew
The Duke of York claims he couldn't possibly have been in Buckingham Palace being interviewed for Newsnight because he was in South Wales at the time chowing down on a Football Special.

Allegations that Prince Andrew gave a 'car crash' interview to the BBC's Emily Maitlis have been dealt with head-on by the Duke of York.

"I distinctly remember not being there at the time," he explained.

"I was actually in an extremely strange place when the alleged interview took place - Wales. To be precise, the Swansea Burger King.

Comment: Prince Andrew's 'I don't sweat' & 'Pizza Express' excuses trigger avalanche of memes as he denies Epstein sex slave scandal links


BREAKING: Epstein Island sold to wealthy Middle Eastern businessman Haadid Nahkil Muhssef

A wealthy Middle Eastern businessman Haadid Nahkil Muhssef has purchased Jeffrey Epstein's pedophile island for $56 million. The purchase comes months after the controversial financier committed suicide while on suicide watch in a New York jail.

Not much is known about Muhssef except that he has many ties to the same people that Jeffrey Epstein did.

It is reported that Bill Clinton took the first flight on Muhssef's plane to the island after purchase.

Clinton promised that nothing illicit is going on there, even if it had in the past.

"This is a completely new ownership, so there's nothing like the all that kinky gratuitous sex with underage blonde girls like Lindsay or . . . Mackenzie or Leighanne. None of that," Clinton said.

Locals say Epstein was flying in underage girls long after his conviction for sex crimes — and authorities did nothing to stop him. "It was like he was flaunting it," says an employee at the airstrip on St. Thomas. "But it was said that he always tipped really well, so everyone overlooked it."

ABC has refused to air this story.

Mr. Potato

Man tries filing for president in New Hampshire as 'Epstein Didn't Kill Himself'

epstein didn't kill himself webber
Legal news website Law & Crime reports that a New Hampshire man has attempted to register as a candidate in the country's first presidential primary under the name "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself."

The man's real name is Rod Webber, and he is described in the Manchester Ink Link as a colorful character in local politics:
Webber is a pacifist, a vegetarian, a singer-songwriter, a neo-hippie and performance artist, who's made a name for himself on the campaign trail of late as "the flower guy." He sports a beard and a top hat while philosophizing over Biblical passages on war and fracking, and what makes a man well-suited for public office, always offering a peace offering of a flower in the end, to punctuate his point of view.


Arby's: If they can make meat from veggies, we can make veggies out of meat!

Megetable: The Marrot

Et voilà! The first Megetable: The Marrot
In response to the meatless burger craze, Arby's has decided to come out with its own alternative: meat-based vegetables.

The company posted a video on Wednesday showing their new creation: carrots made of turkey breast.

The nearly 60-second video, titled "The Marrot" opened with the line: "If they can make meat from veggies (and other stuff) we can make veggies from meat."

It then shows a turkey breast being sliced and rolled into the shape of carrots in a cheesecloth.

The chef then cooked the meat sous vide-style — placing it in a vacuum-sealed bag that was cooked in temperature-controlled waters — before rolling the pieces in a special dried carrot juice powder and roasting them.

In a change from Arby's classic slogan, "We have the meats," the video closed with the words: "We have the Megetables."

Comment: See also,


Jingang, the horse who pretends to die when people try to ride him

© Frasisco Zalasar
We all have bad days at work - some more than others. Take this horse, for example. He hates working so much, he pretends to die every time someone attempts to ride him. A hilariously goofy video that is going viral on Facebook shows Jingang the horse playing dead every time someone tries to ride him.

The video compilation by Kritter Klub was shared to Facebook by Frasisco Zalasar. It shows different scenes and in all of them, Jingang pretends to die every time someone approaches him. The overly-dramatic horse flops to the ground in Oscar-worthy performances each time he senses work coming his way.

"The horse that plays dead so they don't ride him," wrote Mr Zalasar while sharing the video on Facebook.