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Mon, 13 Jul 2020
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Liberals worried that without cancel culture they'd actually have to defend their ideas

guy with hand on head
As cancel culture has come under attack in recent weeks, liberals have begun to grow worried that it might get canceled. And if that happens, they'll be in the terrible situation of having to discuss and defend their ideas with people who disagree with them.

Progressives have felt a growing anxiety over the thought of losing cancel culture and having to stand by their ideas and defend them with logic.

"Imagine how horrible it would be if instead of just canceling someone, we had to discuss differing viewpoints and then defend our ideas," said one journalist as he searched a Quiznos employee's old tweets. "It's much easier to simply silence them through cancelation, guaranteeing that we'll never have to examine our own views, come to a better understanding of the other side, and maybe even change our position sometimes."

It's especially hard for the Far Left, as Communists much prefer silencing people and exiling them to having to explain their defense of a system that has killed over 100 million people. "It's what Joseph Stalin would have done," said Portland anarcho-communist Jayde Wilson. "You didn't see him worrying about defending his ideas -- he just canceled people -- straight to the gulag."

Attention

Only herd sanity can inoculate us against this madness

control the virus
© Getty
In light of the chaos happening in so many areas of our culture, I am proposing a new strategy: herd sanity.

Herd sanity is an idea, invented by me, whereby enough people remain calm and rational that stupid, insane ideas can no longer spread too far.

Once this level of mass common sense is achieved in a population, any stupid idea like 'Speech is violence', or 'Defund the police', or 'Listen to Sadiq Khan' will only be able to get so far without running into a sane, normal person and immediately dying out.

I have had to invent this idea, of course, because of the recent pandemic. Not that nasty Covid-19 thing. I'm talking about the pandemic of Stupid Ideas Rapidly Spreading - or SIRS, if you prefer.

This is a new phenomenon largely due to the advent of Twitter, and the surprising number of people who possess the very latest technology yet have not even bothered to switch their stupid brains on.

Ladybug

Fired Ukraine minister dons skimpy bikini, launches new party to fight corruption of "pants-wearing idiots"

Alexandra Klitina
Ukraine's former deputy infrastructure minister, Aleksandra Klitina, recently released a racy video announcement of a new political party while partially exposing upper chest cleavage, reported RT News.

Klitina, 37, apparently knows how to attract a new base - her 'physique' was the centerpiece in the video as she called for a new political party called "Ukraine against corruption" - she posted the video on YouTube in late June.

In the short clip, Klitina is wearing a skimpy swimsuit while giving a political speech outdoors, standing feet in front of a camera, where she said:


Attention

Gavin Newsom alerted to illegal activity by the sound of children's laughter

Gavin Newsom
California Governor Gavin Newsom was spending another day keeping his state locked down and safe from the coronavirus when he heard a disturbing sound: the laughter of children. "Someone sounded like they were having fun," Newsom explained to reporters, "and anything fun is the number one way to spread the virus."

While the sound of children's laughter wasn't quite as bad as hearing a worship song being sung, Newsom decided to call the police to be on the safe side. The search of the neighborhood only turned up children as they should be: locked inside and looking rather sullen. "I didn't imagine it, though," Newsom said. "Some children were outside enjoying themselves in full violation of the law! And they're still on the loose! They could be playing hide and seek as we speak!"

Police have issued an APB for children playing outside, though so far they have not been spotted. Reportedly, Newsom got little sleep last night, as he just couldn't get it out of his head that out there, somewhere, children were having fun.

Corona

People that wear a mask in their car

Wearing mask while driving
© YouTube/AwakenWithJP (screen capture)
People that wear a mask in their car unfortunately get made fun of by bystanders all the time. Little do they know that driving alone in your car during pandemic times is one of the most dangerous activities you can take part in. In this video, for the first time ever, people who wear a mask while driving get to speak out.


Smiley

'No lives matter' launched by atheists

No Lives Matter
© Babylon Bee
World — A group of atheists, along with some agnostics, announced on Tuesday a new sociopolitical movement consistent with their worldview called No Lives Matter.

According to sources, organizers for NLM have planned numerous rallies to protest other rallies claiming that lives matter. The organization's mission statement defines the group as "people motivated by the belief that all human lives are equally meaningless."

Smiley

Redskins change name to 'Lizard People' to better represent population of Washington, DC

lizard people
There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin.

The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is more fitting for a team representing the capital of our country. To that end, the team officially announced today they would be renaming themselves to "The Washington Lizard People."

"This is a much better name, far more reflective of the great city of Washington, D.C.," said Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.'s representative. "All the politicians, bureaucrats, and leaders here in the district felt the name had great appeal."

Politicians immediately expressed their support for the name change, saying they can relate to a team called the Lizard People. "I see a name like Lizard People, and I know that's a team I can be proud of," said Adam Schiff, his eyes hungrily following a fly buzzing around the room. He licked his lips. "Much better than that Redskins nonsense. Hey, look over there, is that Vladimir Putin?" As reporters turned to look, Schiff shot a long tongue out of his mouth, lightning-quick, and nabbed the fly. "Oh, must have been mistaken," he said, shrugging.

Smiley

Rest easy: FBI hires top-rated Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli to protect Ghislaine Maxwell

hillary prison guard maxwell
© The Babylon Bee
Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli.

"It's-a me, Clintonelli!" said the world-renowned bodyguard arriving at the prison.

Thanks to the particularly glowing reviews from high-profile individuals such as President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew, all federal prison security checks were waived for Hiluigi. "There's simply no one else that we trust to execute this job as she can."

"Mamma mia, this simply will not do!" exclaimed Hiluigi Clintonelli as she forcefully cleared the room. She warned that anyone other than her could be a threat to Ghislaine's life.

Clintonelli also connected all camera feeds to her personal server to ensure that all recorded video was properly secured.

Smiley

Michelangelo statue desecrated over 'harmful' stereotype about white men's penis size

Michelangelo’s David
HISTORIANS and art enthusiasts alike have called for more action over an ever growing trend in statue defilement today after protesters tore down and permanently damaged Michelangelo's David over what they claim is 'harmful' stereotypes about white men's penis size, WWN can confirm.

Last night, dozens of caucasian men descended on the Galleria dell'Accademia in Florence, Italy, and began rocking the 16th century artwork back and forth, before crashing it to the ground and kicking at the statues nether regions.

"For centuries people have been posing for pictures while pointing and laughing at David's tiny white dick, causing undue pain and suffering to the white community," one protestor defended the act of vandalism, insisting the group of white men weren't angry because they themselves have small penises.

"No, no, we're just saying it's a racial stereotype and nothing to do with us personally; everyone here has really big dicks," the man swore, with more men coming forward in a bid to defend their manhood.

"Michelangelo obviously used a nude model who had to stand in a really cold room all day; that's why David's member looks like a terrified turtle," put another worried looking man who was exuding Small Dick Energy.

Attention

Jonathan Pie: WOKE Utopia

Jonathan Pie

Cancel culture comes full circle as an MP is fired for posting an article from The Independent.