Thousands of migrant farm workers have headed up to the northern United States in anticipation of Democrats' ballot harvesting season.

"It's going to be a bumper crop," said Democrat strategist John Cain of Philadelphia. "So many ballots to harvest, and so few harvesters."

According to farmworkers, the ballot harvesting operation dovetails nicely with the end of the busiest time for farms. "We're going to need all the harvesters we can get. Whether you've been picking corn, apples, or berries, it's time to make the switch to ballots," said Cain. "It's the easiest harvest you'll ever work. We've got millions of fresh, delicious ballots just waiting to be harvested."

The migrants have headed up north by the thousands, drawn by the promise of steady work and great benefits. "Not only do I get paid, they're saying they will wipe my former identity so my work will be completely untraceable," said Venezuelan gang member Mauricio Ayala. "What a deal!"

At publishing time, Democrats had reported a record crop of beautiful blue ballots just waiting to be hand-picked.

"This is an unapproved rescue operation and we will not tolerate such behavior," FEMA Spokesman Randy Tarwater told the press. "We apprehended Noah and his so-called 'ark' attempting to save human and animal lives. That's not what FEMA represents."

After Hurricane Helene annihilated entire communities, the Prophet Noah steered his ark into needy areas to help rescue stranded Americans. FEMA reportedly blocked the seer and told him his saving people was really getting in the way.

"I tried to bring a large shipment of food and water into Appalachia, but FEMA turned me back and told me if I tried to deliver any more supplies they'd arrest me," Noah said. "But I've never been one to take the directives of naysayers to heart so back I went! That's when a guy put me in handcuffs and hauled me away. FEMA even impounded my ark! I worked so hard on that thing."

As of publishing time, FEMA had confiscated all Noah's animals and auctioned them off to pay for another $50 billion to Ukraine.

ASHEVILLE, NC — Official sources within the Federal Emergency Management Agency were disappointed to inform victims of Hurricane Helene that the government agency was unable to offer them any taxpayer funding, as it had spent it all on a PowerPoint presentation about racial equity.

According to FEMA spokesperson Gayle Kane, the agency would have loved to help out North Carolina residents affected by the storm but was simply unable to do so as it had blown the remainder of its budget having an intern with purple hair put together the presentation.

The headline says it all . . . .

Democrats celebrated as foreign leader Volodymyr Zelenskyy visited an ammunition factory in the hotly contested swing state of Pennsylvania to meddle in U.S. elections.

The Ukrainian President was quick to publicly throw his support behind Kamala Harris while placing his signature on artillery rounds.

"If Donald Trump wins in November, he will end the war, and also my generous allowance of billions from the United States," said Zelenskyy. "Ukraine represents democracy and stuff. And Russia stands for not democracy or whatever. So a vote for Trump means you hate democracy. I am proud to endorse Kamala Harris, and I will prove my support by laundering millions of dollars I received from the U.S. government through various third parties until they end up in Democrat super PACs. It's the least I can do for democracy."

Democrats were enthusiastic about the endorsement. "We're very glad this foreign leader has chosen to meddle in our democracy," said Governor Josh Shapiro while placing his signature on various deadly weapons. "We invite other countries to meddle with our democracy on behalf of Democrats in order to save democracy."

At publishing time, Zelenskyy had been spotted in Philadelphia filling out mail-in ballots.

The Democratic candidate for vice president issued a stern warning to Pennsylvania voters at a campaign rally today, telling the crowd that the country will not survive four more years of his running mate, who has been leading the country for four years.

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz made the impassioned plea while speaking to supporters in the Keystone State, urging them to avoid making the mistake of putting the country through another term like the one served by his running mate on the Democratic ticket.

"We can't afford another four years of this!" Walz shouted while asking voters to continue supporting the same leadership that resulted in the last four years of failed policies. "The people in charge for the last four years have completely tanked this nation and put us on a fast track toward total destruction. That is why I'm asking you all to re-elect Kamala Harris for another four years!"

Voters in the crowd seemed receptive to the plea. "He makes a convincing argument," said one rally attendee. "While asking all of us to vote for the person who has been in charge for the last four years, he reminded us that America simply won't last if we go through another four years of her. The evidence he presented made it abundantly clear that the lady who's been steering the ship the last four years would just completely wreck everything in the next four years."

At publishing time, Walz issued a statement emphasizing the need for the country to return to the strong leadership, security, and prosperity it experienced before his running mate was elected.

Following the aggressive action taken by California against humor, satire, and online memes, Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order to declare Texas a sanctuary state for memers.

The news came as a tremendous relief to hundreds of thousands of meme creators in California, who immediately abandoned their homes and began the arduous journey to Texas in search of the freedom to meme.

"To all memers out there: Texas will embrace you," Abbott said at a press conference announcing the order. "No memer should live under the type of despotic rule and suppression of the right to be funny that we're seeing in other states. I officially declare the state of Texas open to all memers who dream of creating sick burns and dank viral memes."

Sources say Governor Newsom responded by making a soyjak face and saying "NOOOOOOOO! Are you really going to make your state a sanctuary for dangerous disinformation?" Sources later confirmed that Governor Abbott responded by making a chad face and saying "YES."

The move was also met with immediate criticism from Democrats who accused Abbott of creating a dangerous environment populated by dangerous jokesters with unfettered ability to share harmful pictures and words. Abbott was undeterred by the criticism. "Give me memes or give me death," he said defiantly. "To paraphrase the poet Emma Lazarus: 'Give me your jokes, your satire, your AI-generated images yearning to meme free.' As long as there is breath in my lungs and grease on my wheels, Texas will be a bastion of freedom for those who meme!"

At publishing time, a vast caravan of refugee memers was reported to already be amassing along the pathway from the west coast to Texas, full of online content creators in search of humor asylum in the Lone Star State.

LONG ISLAND, NY — The tension of election season reached a new high today with conflicting reports of further attempts on the life of the former president, as Donald Trump dodged a falling piano, a swinging death blade, and a spiked pitfall trap on his way to a campaign rally.

The latest series of deadly traps matched what has become a disturbing pattern along Trump's pathway to election day, with experts speculating that the former president may find himself dodging multiple assassination attempts per day over the next several weeks.

"It's almost as if there's some unseen force out to get him," said one campaign insider. "Some members of the media have started accusing us of being paranoid, but after that huge wrecking ball swung just barely in front of Trump's vehicle yesterday followed by him narrowly avoiding stepping into that mote filled with hungry crocodiles outside Mar-a-Lago the day before, we're all starting to think something fishy is going on."

As the wildfires in California intensify, Democrat politicians across the state have shifted into lockdown mode to protect the state's strategic reserves of prefilled Kamala Harris ballots.

According to Governor Gavin Newsom, the fires could present an existential threat to election security in California if they get too close to the stacks of already filled-out Kamala Harris election ballots.

"Let's go, go, go!" Newsom shouted as teams of Democrat staffers sweated to move the precious bankers' boxes of Kamala Harris ballots out of fireproof security trucks and into strategic vaults. "We can't let any of these burn — the election's going to be close enough already and we can't risk any slip-ups here! Move that stack, Gayle! Hurry up!"

Unfortunately, Newsom has been so preoccupied with the pressing concerns of making sure the election remains as safe and secure as a Moderna vaccine that he has entirely neglected to make sure that native Californians are evacuated from the line of danger.

"Honestly, we're really just worried about the ballots at this point," Newsom said, wiping ash off his forehead. "If we lose a few voters to fires right now, they'll still be eligible come November anyway, so it's no big deal."

At publishing time, California Democrats had also started to worry that the California wildfires would burn out before they could start hyperventilating over how the environment was going to be ruined.

Following last night's debate in which David Muir and Linsey Davis employed an impressive strategy against former President Donald Trump, news broke that Democrats have decided to replace Kamala Harris on the ballot with the ABC moderators.

Discussions began almost immediately after the debate to replace the Harris-Walz ticket with Muir-Davis based entirely on the moderators' ability to articulate Harris' positions and attack Trump better than she ever has.

"They really got her strongest points across," said one top Democratic Party official. "We loved the way they fought back against any facts Trump was presenting. They've mastered the art of twisting reality and playing fast and loose with truth, which is exactly what we look for in our candidates. It was staring us right in the face. We talked it over and figured, why not just go with them instead?'"

Muir and Davis were surprised but humbled by the news. "It will be an honor to serve," Muir said in a brief statement. "We have always done our very best to advance the cause of the Democratic Party, and now that we're being called upon to run for election, we would be shirking our responsibility as journalists not to answer the call. As members of the press, we always know what's best for all Americans. We can't wait to get into the White House."

At publishing time, Muir and Davis released a statement that they were looking forward to their next debate against Trump, which they would moderate themselves.