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Sat, 02 Dec 2023
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Things we'd like to see Henry Kissinger reincarnated as

© Waterford Whispers News
RICHARD NIXON and Gerald Ford's former secretary of state Henry Kissinger has died, prompting a full review ordered into Karma's handling of his case due to the fact the prolific war criminal lived to the age of 100.

While Kissinger is widely believed to be taking over the running of Hell from Satan himself, it is WWN's humble opinion that the man responsible for countless deaths in Cambodia, Vietnam and Lao among other countries would be more suited to being reincarnated as the following:

Chief-tester of Laotian fields filled with unexploded US cluster bombs. When he's done with that, he will move on to testing if samples of Agent Orange work.

The much used sock under the bed of porn-addicted college student seems fitting for a serial wiretapper of journalist's phones.

Lobster with responsibility for insuring the water temperature in every pot in every kitchen in the known universe is boiling hot.

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Men pretending to be women go to lunch with man pretending to be Catholic

Pope and Trans
© The Babylon Bee
VATICAN CITY — A group of men pretending to be women were invited to the Vatican today to share a special lunch with a man pretending to be Catholic.

"It's a match made in pretend heaven," said local man Angelo Russo as he threw on a dress. "Let's go ladies!"

According to sources at the Vatican, Pope Francis personally scheduled the make-believe playdate. "Haha, look at me, I'm Catholic!" laughed Pope Francis as he welcomed the men in wigs. "Hee-hee, isn't this fun? Oh look! Here comes my favorite priest Father Rupnik, pretending to not be a serial abuser. What fun!"


San Francisco mayor reminds everyone to get their Christmas shoplifting done early

San Francisco mayor London Breed satire

San Francisco mayor London Breed sharing helpful holiday tips
With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year.

"Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!"

Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into safe injection sites for hobos," said Mr. Adams. "This year, I'm going out with my crowbar the moment Thanksgiving dinner is over. Gosh, it seems like the season for knocking over Apple Stores gets earlier every year, doesn't it?"

With many of San Francisco's hobos temporarily stuffed in closets due to hosting President Xi, the Mayor advised citizens to start burglarizing local businesses right away. "This is a rare opportunity for San Franciscans to perform coordinated smash-and-grabs on nice, clean streets," said Mayor Breed. "We hope everyone will take advantage of this rare chance for a less-crowded looting experience."

At publishing time, Mayor Breed was seen following her own advice as she carefully picked out $949 worth of Macy's merchandise for friends and family.


Airline serves 'dog food' to business class passengers in translation blunder

imported dog food menu
The food served on planes doesn't have the best reputation at the best of times, but even the most iron-stomached among passengers might think twice before ordering a mistranslated menu option on a recent flight.

A photo taken by a passenger on a China Eastern Airlines plane shows the menu for those flying in business class, which includes beef, seafood and soup dishes.

But one unfortunate English translation has got people talking. Among the choices for a starter is "imported dog food with okra".

Conrad Wu shared the image on Facebook, asking: "What exactly is it?"


IDF find Saddam Hussein's WMDs In Hamas tunnel under hospital

Saddam's WMD
© Waterford Whispers News
A DAY AFTER occupying the Al-Shifa hospital, the IDF have finally gotten around to producing video evidence of the vast and extensive network of Hamas tunnels beneath the hospital which formed the basis of their justification for besieging Gaza's largest hospital.

IDF footage shows what appears to be a small crater in the ground to the untrained eye but is in fact far more sinister, as explained to WWN by an IDF spokesperson:

"As luck would have it we found Saddam Hussein's WMDs and they've been verified by Colin Powell's ghost, such a discovery would obviously strengthen the US administration's support for our actions in Gaza, not that we needed it," confirmed one spokesperson, who thinks Joe Biden deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his continuous refusal to support calls for a ceasefire.

"I know we promised a network of sophisticated tunnels over several floors, capable of supporting hundreds of fighters in a luxury Airbnb for terrorists but this little hole in the ground should be proof enough," added the spokesperson, who confirmed Hamas had conveniently written 'Saddam Hussein's missing WMDs' on the side of the missiles.


Communist Dictator Welcomes President Xi

Nuisance and Xi
© The Babylon Bee
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — On the freshly scented avenues of San Francisco, a summit was held today between one of the most feared communist dictators in the world and President Xi.

"Glorious, Most Excellent Chairman, meet President Xi," said aides as Gavin Newsom shook hands with President Xi. "Please allow us to escort you through the streets of our communist utopia, freshly cleaned of poo and poors."

The iron-fisted tyrant showed Mr. Xi around San Francisco, pointing out all the private property he had seized or destroyed. "The truly satisfying part is when you openly show how the rules crushing their lives do not apply to you," explained Newsom. "Yes, Mr. Xi - you are far too soft psychologically on your subjects, trying to sell them on the idea that you are all serving a common cause in union. You must force them to serve your cause, while openly flaunting that you don't even believe in the cause and will do whatever you wish. That, my friend, is how you truly break their spirit."

2 + 2 = 4

Israel/Palestine Narrative Frameworks

Oldschool Left: Israel is America's colonial spearhead! We need to support our comrades in the Klassenkampf against capitalist imperialism! Ho-Ho-Ho-Chi-Minh!

New Left: Palestinians are an oppressed people, but Jews are even more oppressed! Antisemitism is worse than Islamophobia! We stand with Israel!

Woke Left: Someone posted a Palestinian LGBT pride flag and there are climate change activists marching alongside Palestinians somewhere! They are our friends! We support them!


Zelensky cancels democratic elections to focus on fighting for Democracy

zelensky ukraine elections satire

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is calling for the immediate suspension of Presidential elections in his country, so that he may focus all his efforts on fighting to protect democracy in Ukraine.

"We must suspend democracy to save democracy," said Zelensky during his weekly fundraising telethon. "If we allow democracy to get in the way of fighting for democracy, we might lose our democracy. And our billions of sweet, sweet American dollars. And my superyacht in Dubai... anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, it's time to cancel elections so I may remain president indefinitely."

Sources say Zelensky can be trusted to resume the democratic process in Ukraine as soon as the war has ended in three to fifty years. "Zelensky is a paragon of virtue and spotless moral leadership, without the slightest stain of corruption," said a spokesperson from the State Department. "We totally trust him."

"We are facing the greatest evil the world has ever faced," continued Zelensky. "Putin is the devil incarnate. He cheats on elections so he can remain president forever! It's horrible!"

At publishing time, the Biden Administration had expressed support for the move, with some administration officials looking into the possibility of doing that in America as well.

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So kind! Netanyahu promises Palestinians free security after war

Chief Psychopath
© Waterford Whispers News
"WE don't deserve this, seriously, we don't!" was just one of the comments from Palestinians praising the news that invading superpower Israel has vowed to look after Gaza's security when they've finished their military blitz.

The kind gesture from the occupiers comes after yet more positive news from Israel who have agreed to 'tactical pauses' to allow return of Israelis kidnapped by Hamas and deliver aid to the besieged territory of 2.4 million people. Update: latest figures indicate that with the death toll reaching 10,000 in just four week, the population stands at 2.390 million people. when you count the 10,000 murdered in the past four weeks.


Roombas at the End of the World

sout pole humor roomba kidnapped
South Pole Roomba Ernie was kidnapped in 2020.
Robotic romance, ransoms, and raccoon suits at the South Pole

Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station is a permanent scientific research base located at what is arguably the most isolated place on Earth. During the austral summer, the station is home to about 150 scientists and support staff, but during the austral winter, that number shrinks to just 40 or so, and those people are completely isolated from the rest of the world from mid-February until late October. For eight months, the station has to survive on its own, without deliveries of food, fuel, spare parts, or anything else. Only in the most serious of medical emergencies will a plane attempt to reach the station in the winter.

While the station's humans rotate seasonally, there are in fact four full-time residents: the South Pole Roombas. First, there was Bert, a Roomba 652, who arrived at the station in 2018 and was for a time the loneliest robot in the world. Since the station has two floors, Bert was joined by Ernie, a Roomba 690, in 2019. A second pair of Roombas, Sam and Frodo, followed soon after.