WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a swift and decisive response to the drone and missile attack on Israeli targets over the weekend, President Joe Biden retaliated against Iran by attaching a note to the next pallet of cash that reads "PLEASE DO NOT USE FOR TERRORISM."

The note, which was translated into Farsi, was placed in a clearly visible location on the next U.S. shipment of cash being sent to Tehran, with the Biden administration confident that its stern tone would ensure the Iranian regime would know not to use any of the billions of U.S. dollars on terrorism.

"Listen up, folks," Biden said in a brief statement announcing the retaliatory measure. "We're serious. Just as serious as... as serious as... we're just as... we're... well, anyway, in all seriousness. I have personally notified the Iranian government that they are not allowed to use any of this money for terrorism. So, if they're thinking about doing it... I'll just... I'll say... I'm saying... don't."

With criticism mounting regarding the rate of inflation and the increased cost of basic necessities, the White House announced that inflation is actually doing great if you just hold the chart upside down.

Though families and small businesses have fought to stay above water in a down economy, the Biden administration notified everyone that the stress caused by looking at the rate of inflation could be easily solved by looking at the chart from the opposite direction.

"Problem solved," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. "We know the American people are very concerned about rising prices on goods and services, but as you can clearly see in this helpful graph when you turn it upside down, the arrow is actually going down. So from that perspective, inflation is actually dropping rapidly. You're welcome, America."

Media members who were gathered for the daily press briefing marveled at how quickly the administration had solved the inflation crisis. "President Biden can really work magic," said one reporter. "Only moments before, that chart looked quite grim, but by offering the simple solution of turning it upside down, it's obvious that inflation is actually plummeting. Only the Biden administration can provide this type of quick, easy, and effective solution."

When asked if flipping the chart upside down would actually reduce the price of food for struggling families, Jean-Pierre responded, "No comment" and sprinted out of the room.

At publishing time, the White House had also announced that running video footage of the Ukraine-Russia conflict in reverse actually makes it look like Ukrainian cities are being rebuilt.

A labrador retriever who failed to become a drug sniffing dog because he was overly friendly and playful has won hearts across Taiwan for his detection work in the aftermath of last week's 7.4-magnitude earthquake.

Rescue dogs play a crucial role in helping to locate both stranded people and bodies, and teams of capable canines were quickly deployed by Taiwanese authorities after last Wednesday's deadly tremor.

The quake that hit the island's rugged eastern coast, Taiwan's strongest in 25 years, triggered deadly landslides in a scenic national park and caused several buildings to partially collapse.

Roger, 8, was among the dogs put to work, helping to locate the body of one of the 13 people killed in the quake, according to authorities and local media.

In a devastating blow for the defense, State Judge Juan Merchan has ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease noticing that the only people trying to put him in jail are Democrats.

"Quiet you!" Judge Merchan told Trump in court. "Stop mentioning that everyone in the legal system who is trying to imprison you just so happens to be a member of the Democrat party. It is completely irrelevant."

"All instances of Trump noticing this fact will be met with serious legal consequences, which will be administered by Democrats."

The expanded gag order comes on the heels of an initial order prohibiting Trump from blowing raspberries at members of the press during hearings.

In an expert display of 4D chess, Trump has pivoted to talking directly about the gag order, bringing it up nearly every time he speaks, causing everyone to be reminded of how everyone trying to lock him up are Democrats.

In a new pinned post on Truth Social, Trump said, "The court has ordered me NOT to discuss how everyone trying to put me in jail is a Democrat and I will honor that request ;)"

Though prosecutors have demanded Trump stop exploiting the obvious loophole in his gag order, Judge Merchan was forced to admit that there was "nothing in the rules that says he can't talk about the gag order."

At publishing time, Trump had been hit with a new order requiring him to be fitted with an actual gag.

4D Chess!

Mar-a-Lago is now worth upwards of $500 million after former President Donald Trump announced he had hung up three paintings by renowned artist Hunter Biden.

Trump held a special unveiling party for supporters at Mar-a-Lago's Donald J. Trump Grand Ballroom. The three paintings shown were "Some Colors," "Paint On Canvas," and "Look, A Bird."

"They tell me I overvalued this place but, if anything, I undervalued it," Trump told supporters. "But now they can't argue with me because I've got Hunter here. Everyone says 'Where's Hunter? Where is he?' Well, he's here, folks. We've got Hunter Biden here at Mar-a-Lago and it's a beautiful thing."

"They're absolutely fantastic paintings, let me tell you. Definitely not a bunch of random colors thrown on a canvas to launder money."

After the unveiling, the former president toured the property with a real estate appraiser. Sources confirm the tour was cut short when he became entranced by one of the Hunter Biden paintings.

"Beautiful," Trump reportedly whispered. "So majestic."

At publishing time, Donald Trump had been sued for undervaluing the Mar-a-Lago estate.

The political landscape was rocked to its core today, with reverberations sure to be felt for several years, as Governor Ron DeSantis was kicked out of the Republican Party for accomplishing too many things.

The move was announced after careful deliberation by the Republican National Committee in coordination with top GOP leaders at all levels of government, with decision-makers citing DeSantis's ongoing tendency to get things done as evidence he does not belong with the party.

"We don't know what his deal is," said one Republican insider. "Everyone can plainly see that one of the most fundamental tenets of the Republican Party is the stubborn refusal to accomplish anything of note. Governor DeSantis continues to flagrantly disregard this core value by actually doing things. It's just totally unacceptable and unbecoming of anyone claiming to be a Republican."

As other members of the party at the state and federal levels doggedly adhere to the directive to maintain the status quo while making fiery, sternly-worded speeches, DeSantis has veered from the party line to accomplish things that actually improve the lives of his constituents, fight against radical woke ideology, and advance the cause of traditional American values. "We went over it with him time and time again," the GOP source said. "He wouldn't stop doing things. We can't work with a guy like that."

At publishing time, GOP powerbrokers were already looking forward to the conclusion of DeSantis's second term so they would have the opportunity to nominate someone else in an effort to grind the state's positive progress to a screeching halt.

After news broke that the bond amount in his fraud case had been lowered from $454 million to $175 million, former President Donald Trump announced he would pay the bond in its entirety with bags of nickels.

Trump notified the court that preparations had already been made for a fleet of armored trucks to arrive at the courthouse and begin unloading cases and cases of freshly minted and rolled nickels totaling $175 million.

"Beautiful, shiny nickels. So many nickels," Trump said in his announcement. "It's a total sham that I have to pay anything, but now that the bond amount has been significantly reduced, I will now pay it in full with five-cent pieces. Our wonderful U.S. nickel. Thomas Jefferson on one side. We love Thomas Jefferson, don't we, folks? I hope Letitia James loves him too, because she's going to be seeing $175 million worth of him. I win once again, just like I will in November, believe me. Bigly!"

New York Attorney General Letitia James had her staff searching through state laws in an effort to find a way to prevent Trump from paying his bond in change to no avail. "He won't get away with this," James was overheard saying. "He thinks he can dump $175 million in nickels in my office? Time to cook up another baseless lawsuit."

At publishing time, Trump was reportedly facing new indictment charges for failing to fall into financial ruin by the previous set of indictment charges.

The manual of the freedom-loving, democracy-admiring citizen, first edition*.

Dear reader,

I've noticed that you recently expressed some confusion about your opinions and we at American Majority would like to help you!

What follows are 10 rules for being a good boi citizen. Follow them all and you will have no problems fitting in with your fellow good boi citizens.

1, You must understand that the CIA and the FBI always, without exception, work for your very best interests. They are the loyal servants of our dear Leader Joe Biden. Even if you sometimes may not understand their motivations, please remember to not ask questions. Questions are dangerous and might lead to uncomfortable answers, which you don't want.

2, Trump is bad. There's no question about it! Trump is literally Hitler. Our dear Leader Joe Biden is the savior of America and the world!

3, Russia is bad and Putin is literally Hitler. No, I mean it, Putin's double's triple performed an ancient Mongolian ritual to bring Hitler back and he now controls Russia. Yes, we said Trump is Hitler, but again, don't ask questions. Ukraine is a bastion of freedom and democracy and Zelensky is a hero above all heroes (except for our dear Leader Joe Biden, who created this good Earth).

4, China is bad. Xi is literally Hitler. Yes, okay, but yes he is. Remember what we said about questions! Good boi! Taiwan is a bastion of freedom and democracy. Our dear Leader Joe Biden will protect Taiwan at all costs!

5, Mass media never lies. They are all owned by the same people, but those people only want the very best for you, just like the CIA and the FBI and our dear Leader Joe Biden. You can feel safe in this bubble we created for you knowing they are all taking good care of you!

Though the federal government made a generous offer to fly them to another city in the country to start a new life in the U.S., a group of illegal immigrants politely declined to receive a free flight on a Boeing airplane.

After illegally crossing the southern border, the Guatemalan migrants were kindly welcomed by government agents and offered a plane ticket free of charge, which they were glad to accept until they discovered the plane was a Boeing 737.

"No thank you, I think I'll just walk instead," one migrant said through an interpreter as he walked out onto the tarmac at the airport and saw the plane. "I appreciate your generous gift, but I did not make the perilous journey from Guatemala to Texas on foot so I could die in that infernal death trap. I thought the American government was supposed to be treating migrants well, now they want me to climb on board a Boeing? Why not just launch me to St. Louis via catapult?"

The migrant's decision dumbfounded government officials. "Who in their right mind would turn down a free flight?" one federal agent asked. "Granted, there is a risk of the aircraft's door flying off in mid-air, or a wheel falling off as the plane takes off, or the wings may just spontaneously disintegrate during the flight, but come on... who wouldn't put their life on the line to visit Baltimore or St. Louis for free?

At publishing time, the man had set off back to Guatemala on foot after learning the government would be passing out gift cards, but they were for Walmart.

An attack by a cell belonging to a violent extremist group was averted last week, as terrorists decided against hijacking a plane after finding out it was made by Boeing.

The hijacking, which was allegedly planned to be carried out over the weekend, was called off at the last minute after the group of terrorists behind the plot discovered the flight they were targeting was a Boeing 737, which meant everyone on board — including the terrorists — would be in serious danger.

"We're not going anywhere near that deathtrap," said terrorist Abu Musab Alwani, who masterminded the planned attack. "We are very zealous for our faith and deeply committed to our cause of ridding our holy lands of crusading infidels, but have you seen the news lately? Parts of these planes are falling off in mid-air. These Boeing aircraft are simply not safe for hijacking."

Though officials with the Department of Homeland Security refused to make any official statements about the canceled terrorist attack, one insider confirmed the report on the condition of anonymity. "Yes, it's true," the source said. "They had spent months meticulously planning out every detail of the hijacking, but they weren't sure what make and model of aircraft it would be. Once they realized it was a Boeing plane, they chickened out. Way too high-risk."

When asked why they became resistant to hijack a Boeing plane, the terrorists said the decision was simple. "It's too unpredictable," Alwani said. "When we're going to hijack a plane and potentially kill ourselves and everyone on board, we want it to be our doing, not due to some horrible malfunction."

At publishing time, Alwani said the cell was still very much open to hijacking planes made by other manufacturers as long as the doors, wings, and wheels would stay on.