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Wed, 04 Oct 2023
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Hunter negotiates 12% for The Big Guy as Father's Day gift

Hunter Joe biden father's day
© The Babylon Bee
In a touching Father's Day gesture, Hunter Biden has negotiated for twelve percent of incoming bribes from foreign governments to go to his Dad.

"It means the world to me," said an emotional President Biden. "Well, more accurately, it means about $2.3 million in my bank account."

According to White House sources, Hunter wanted to do something extra special this year to show President Biden how much he appreciated being shielded from DOJ investigations. "Dad really came through this year," said Hunter. "I literally handed the FBI a film of myself committing felonies, and not a peep. I don't know how he does it, that doddering old weirdo! Anyhow, 'The Big Guy' has earned himself an extra two percent of my bribery -- er, consulting money."

Hunter Biden will also reportedly take his father out for a nice Father's Day lunch at the Han Palace. "It will be nice to have a quiet lunch with just me, Dad, and several high-level members of the Chinese Communist Party," said Hunter. "I did request they bring in some different waitresses for our lunch though. Last time it was super disappointing - nothing but yellows."

At publishing time, President Biden had declined a Father's Day call from one of his grandkids, as he wasn't sure if it was from the one he pretends doesn't exist.


"We're free" - Dozens of scantily clad young women flee Berlusconi villa

We're Free
© Waterford Whispers
JUST moments after the death of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi Italian rescue services have reported a mass exodus of what appear to be young scantily clad women fleeing his estately home in Arcore near Milan, WWN has learned.

"Some of these women are in their late teens which suggests they may have been held captive for years," a police spokesman told WWN, "many of the women had very little clothes on and were screaming 'we're finally free' as they sprinted out of Berlusconi's San Martino villa this morning".


Trump indicted for keeping classified documents at Mar-A-Lago instead of somewhere secure - like the trunk of a Corvette

trump biden  classified documents corvette satire
© The Babylon Bee
Former President Donald Trump has officially been indicted by the federal government on seven counts of not storing highly classified documents in his garage behind a corvette.

"Mr. Trump had these documents securely stored in a closet instead of strewn about the garage. Straight to jail," said Merrick Garland. "Trump's failure to haphazardly toss Top Secret documents behind a car is nothing short of treasonous."

For his part, Mr. Trump has denied all wrongdoing. "I hide all my classified documents behind the best, most beautiful cars at Mar-A-Lago," said Mr. Trump. "Corvettes are for the poors. Do I look like a poor? Ha! I would never put Top Secret documents behind anything cheaper than a McLaren! What a rube!"

At publishing time, the DOJ announced they would also indict Trump for making a deal with Ukraine without his son receiving millions of dollars in bribes.


Zelensky accuses Russia of putting little nazi stickers on the helmets of all his soldiers

Nazi Stickers
© The Babylon Bee
KYIV — Tensions flared today after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy accused Russia of sending espionage agents into his country to place little Nazi stickers on all his soldiers' helmets.

"The fact that my entire army is wearing Nazi insignias on their uniforms and gear is entirely the fault of Russia," said Zelenskyy while desperately scraping an "I love Hitler" sticker off the side of a tank. "This is an unforgivable provocation. I hereby call on the United States to drop all their atomic bombs on Russia immediately."


Archaeologists discover Target store ruins in Sodom and Gomorrah

target sodom gomorrah satire
© The Babylon Bee
Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the final remains of Sodom and Gomorrah's beloved Target store.

"You could still make out the display for tuck-friendly tunics," said Dr. Sally McNeil. "It's clear these perverted rapists were massive Target fans."

According to the Israeli excavators, researchers began searching for a possible Target store after unearthing hundreds of pairs of yoga pants. "We knew we had to be close," said Dr. McNeil. "As soon as we found the sign saying 'Satan Respects Pronouns', we knew we'd found it. Our survey indicates the Sodomites had installed curbside pick-up to the south, and a gender mutilation station for children at the north entrance. It was really a very modern society, not so different from our own."

Further research at the dig site led researchers to believe the heavenly fire that burned up Sodom and Gomorrah may have struck the Target store first. "Everyone says Target smells nice, right up until the point sulfur begins raining from the sky," said team member Adrian Maldonado. "You can only walk around the child-abusing satanist products for so long without knowing that the Lord's wrath must be coming. This looks like it was ground zero. Greed, depravity and violence, all wrapped up with a nice bull's-eye on top for the Lord's fury."

At publishing time, Christians had begun nervously looking to the sky any time they drove too near a Target.


Georgia officials urge citizens to 'please wear clothes in your digital driver's license photo'

man laptop pajamas shirtless stock photo
© LuckyBusiness/iStockphoto/Getty Images
The Georgia Department of Drivers' Services is asking drivers to keep their clothes on for their digital driver's licenses and IDs.
Your driver's license is not the right place for a spicy selfie, according to Georgia officials.

The Georgia Department of Drivers' Services took to Facebook Tuesday to remind drivers to keep their clothes on while taking photos for a digital driver's license or ID.

"Please take pictures with your clothes on when submitting them for your Digital Driver's License and IDs," wrote the department.

Comment: The ensuing thread is pretty funny.


Due to high crime, Mafia closes Chicago office

chicago boarded up offices downtown
Today marked the end of an era, as the Mafia announced it was officially closing its Chicago branch due to the rising wave of violent crime in the city.

"We just can't operate under these conditions," said street boss Albert "Albie the Falcon" Vena, speaking on behalf of Salvatore "Solly D" DeLaurentis, who has run the Chicago organization since 2021. "How are we supposed to conduct respectable business — loan sharking, bribery, racketeering, illegal gambling — with so much crime going on? It's insane!"

The Windy City has long been known for its organized crime operations, dating back even before the days of Al "Scarface" Capone in the 1920s Prohibition Era. Today's mobsters now lament the difficulty they face in doing horrible things behind the scenes in the city while so many even more horrible things are being done in broad daylight. "One of our best leg-breakers got his legs broken by a gang of 40 high schoolers last week," said organization member Frank "Toots" Caruso. "They recorded it and put it on TikTok. We just don't feel safe around here. I'm afraid to just walk down the street!"

Rising crime rates in Chicago have become a staple under Democrat leaders, resulting in skyrocketing numbers of violent crimes and shooting deaths, despite the city having some of the strictest gun laws in the nation. "You think we're gonna be out there working?" asked Nicholas "Jumbo" Guzzino. "Are you kidding me? I don't wanna get shot!"

At publishing time, members of the Chicago "Outfit" had successfully packed up and were on their way out of town before being mugged on their way to the airport.


Being a horrible bastard the key to longevity, finds report

Rolf Harris
© Waterford Whispers New
WHETHER you're a Nazi war criminal, a kiddie fiddler or someone who sings louder than the band at a concert, a link has been found in a brand-new study which found that the key to longevity is simply being a horrible bastard.

The newly published paper stated that the absolute dregs of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advised carrying out the most heinous of crimes if you want to become a centennial.

"Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; all lived depraved horrible existences and yet managed to see the right side of 80," the report found, "in fact, we haven't found a Nazi war criminal in hiding who didn't surpass 90 years on this planet".


Biden: $10 million payment from Romania to his cat is 'totally legit'

biden cat satire bribe
In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.

"Listen, folks, it's none of my business what deals my cat is making around the world. I know nothing about it," said the President. "Willow is the smartest cat I know, and it doesn't surprise me to hear that he provided a totally real and legitimate and non-corrupt service to the Romanian government in exchange for millions of dollars which I'm sure was fully deserved and that I've never seen. I'm not corrupt. Do you think I'd be President if I was corrupt? Come on, man!"

Sources say the White House press pool let out a collective sigh of relief, happy that their concerns were so decisively laid to rest. "When the President says he did nothing wrong, you have to believe him," said recent Georgetown grad and White House Correspondent Krissy Persimmons. "That's just science."

Journalists were also told not to worry about the $3 million Ukrainian payment to Biden's dog Major, the $12 million Chinese payment to Dr. Jill, or the dead hooker found in the trunk of Biden's Corvette.

At publishing time, the White House cat was found dead of a self-inflicted hit-and-run.


Biden rally finally draws larger crowd than Trump

satire biden rally migrants texas border

Rally for Biden held on the Texas border
The mainstream media has been heaping praise on President Biden for finally drawing a larger crowd than former President Trump. According to reports, hundreds of thousands are gathering in El Paso and it's all because of President Biden.

"These are truly historic numbers we are seeing! Trump could never get this many people even at his biggest rallies," gushed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "This is an incredible moment for President Biden. He's clearly resonating with the American people -- well, the people, anyway -- and it's clear that his policies are making a real difference."

Upon seeing the massive crowds, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow added, "This just goes to show that people are hungry for real leadership and real strength. President Biden is clearly delivering on that front."

Many news sites praised the crowd for its youthfulness and diversity. "Just look at how young of a crowd Biden pulls!" exclaimed Anderson Cooper. "All those unaccompanied minors — I mean democrat voters and it's all thanks to Biden."

When asked for comment, even Trump had to admit that it was a "tremendous and unbelievably large crowd of people that — to be quite frank with you — I could never draw, believe me!"