Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Biden wonders why Europe didn't just arrest conservative candidates before election

Joe Biden
© Legion-MediaJoe Biden
As shockwaves continued to reverberate around the globe following sweeping victories for the European political right, U.S. President Joe Biden asked aides why Europe didn't just arrest the conservative candidates before the election.

As conservative candidates in multiple countries won by significant margins, the current American leader expressed surprise that the ruling globalist regimes didn't simply have their chief political rivals imprisoned.

"Why didn't they do... the thing?" Biden was overheard asking White House aides after learning about the election results in Europe. "It's simple, folks. When you've got an election coming up, and it looks like you're... looks like you're... you're about to... you're gonna... it looks like... not good, all you have to do is throw the fella in prison. Or the broad. Whatever. Arresting your opponents and putting them in prison is the easiest way to win elections. It's also... it's... anyway. Cheesegrater."

A White House insider disclosed that Biden had even placed phone calls to various leaders across Europe late last night to ask them why they hadn't just put their rivals in jail. "He was baffled," the anonymous source said. "He was telling them that this is the second most important election strategy, with rigging the voting machines being the only thing slightly more important."

At publishing time, the White House was reportedly hoping to schedule an impromptu trip for Biden to make a European tour to give lessons on how to weaponize your country's judicial system for political gain.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




Smiley

At this point nation just happy pageant winner is an actual woman

American Miss Alabama
© The Babylon Bee
BIRMINGHAM, AL โ€” Despite the attention drawn on social media regarding the plus-sized winner of the National American Miss Alabama competition, at this point, the nation was reportedly just happy the pageant winner was actually a woman.

The crowning of Sara Milliken as National Miss Alabama 2024 caused quite a stir online, with some praising the win as a significant step forward in the area of body positivity and others simply expressing relief that at least this pageant winner wasn't a male.

"I'm just glad this one really is a woman," said lifelong pageant fan Brandi Lake. "I guess some people might take issue with the fact that someone who is plus-sized and likely not in the best health would be crowned the winner over so many other seemingly deserving contestants, but... you know, here in 2024, we just need to be glad the winner doesn't have man parts."

Banana

10 Signs you are living in a banana republic

Banana Republic
© The Babylon Bee
In the wake of last week's controversial conviction of Donald Trump, the term "banana republic" keeps being thrown around in reference to the United States. But what is a banana republic, and how do you know if you're living in one?

The Babylon Bee is here to help by providing the following list of tell-tale signs you're living in a banana republic:

1. Your leader is a corpse: No matter how complicated the system of wires and pulleys may be, it's still obvious.

2. Sacha Baron Cohen is making a mockumentary about your country: He's going to make your country look so stupid.

3. Millions of citizens of other banana republics are migrating to your country because it feels like home: Only the best banana republics attract people from all the other banana republics.

4. All of your country's elections are supervised by the CIA: Nothing fishy at all about an intelligence agency determining who runs the country. Totally fine.

5. There are bananas everywhere: Could be an indication.

Smiley

Biden asks DA Bragg for a couple of felony charges after seeing Trump fundraising numbers

joe Biden alvin Bragg
© The Babylon Bee
With his re-election campaign falling behind his opponent in fundraising, and after seeing how much money Donald Trump raised over the weekend, President Joe Biden called up New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg to ask if he could get charged with a felony or two.

The Trump campaign experienced an overwhelming influx of donations in the wake of Trump's conviction on criminal charges in a New York court last week, leading Biden to seek to grow his campaign's coffers by requesting criminal charges of his own.

"Listen up, my negro," Biden reportedly said on the phone with Bragg. "This conviction has been a big boost for Trump. I'm thinking I might be able to get... I could maybe get... I could... I could get... I might have people throwing millions of dollars at me if I get charged with some felonies. None of this hush-money malarkey. Real serious stuff. You should see the list of stuff I've actually done. It'll curl your nose hairs, pal. Bribery. Murder. Trafficking underage broads. The whole deal. Anyway... give me some of those felony charges, will ya?"

District Attorney Bragg's office did not immediately respond to a request for comment on the report but a source within the DA's office confirmed that fictional crimes would not have to be created in order to charge members of the Biden family.

At publishing time, the White House had called Bragg again to let him know that a new shipment of Hunter's cocaine would be arriving on the premises soon if that would help in drawing felony charges.

Smiley

Donald Trump found guilty of being Donald Trump

trump trial court sketch
In an outcome that was sure to shake the foundations of the entire country, the first criminal trial of a former president reached its close, as Donald Trump was convicted of being Donald Trump.

The verdict was handed down today in a New York courtroom, with jurors unanimously agreeing that the evidence presented by the prosecution overwhelmingly proved that the defendant was indeed guilty of being Donald Trump.

"It was an open and shut case," said prosecutor Joshua Steinglass. "There wasn't any way he could sit there being Donald Trump and just get away with it. We were given strict orders to hold him accountable for being Donald Trump, and that's what we've done. Justice has been carried out and he will now face the penalty for being Donald Trump, as he should."

Public reaction, as expected, was heavily mixed, with law enforcement on hand to prevent any riots or unrest outside the courthouse. "This is the greatest moment of my life," said Academy Award-winning actor Robert DeNiro. "We got 'em. We finally got 'em. Being Donald Trump shouldn't ever be allowed. Not in America."

At publishing time, Trump's legal team vowed a swift appeal, with the possibility of the Supreme Court determining whether or not being Donald Trump is, in fact, a crime punishable by jail time or death.

Smiley

Biden campaign looking for 'meme lord'

biden memes dark brandon
© Mandel NGAN / AFPCut-outs of the "Dark Brandon" internet meme are displayed across from the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts, the venue for the third Republican presidential primary debate in Miami, Florida, on November 8, 2023.
Joe Biden's presidential campaign is aiming to hire a person to promote his image by harnessing the power of memes, according to a job listing. Both the Biden campaign and that of his archrival, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump, have relied on memes to boost their electoral chances ahead of the November vote.

The job ad was first posted on LinkedIn earlier this month and duplicated on the Biden campaign's website, but only came into the media spotlight this week. The job, officially titled 'Partner Manager, Content and Meme Pages', is a full-time position with a salary range of $65,000 to $85,000 a year, and is based in Wilmington, Delaware.

Meme lord hopefuls will have to "initiate and manage day-to-day operations in engaging the Internet's top content," the job description says, adding that the ideal candidate must be "passionate about bringing political content to voters where they already are on the Internet."

Comment: The opportunities for subversion are legion. Any takers?


Smiley

Biden placed in presidential Weeble-Wobble to keep him from falling down

bidenn weeble-wobble satire
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources in the White House, President Biden has been given his very own Weeble-Wobble to help keep him occupied and upright in the months leading up to November's election.

According to White House staffers, Biden's new bottom-heavy outfit was custom-made by Fisher-Price and is completely bullet-proof in addition to being impossible to knock down. It also sports a spiffy new presidential seal on the front.

Sources confirmed that if knocked over, Biden will quickly bounce upright due to the state-of-the-art weeble-wobble design.

"The president is taking a stand for democracy," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre as Biden weebled and wobbled behind her. "The right-wing conspiracy theorists who claim that the president is falling down on the job are literally wrong. This is just another example of President Biden bringing stability to our government in these topsy-turvy times."

"After I signed the packandelempackatlackact into law, my staff gave me this wbegbbobbler - PAUSE," Biden said when asked for comment. "And it only cost four hundred million billion - if you don't like it, yer a... a... well, anyway..."

At publishing time, former president Donald Trump had criticized Biden's Weeble-Wobble, demanding the pear-shaped contraption be removed for the debates.

Smiley

Klaus Schwab retires to spend more time with his lizard family on Planet Zarkon VII

Chief Lizard
© The Babylon Bee
DAVOS โ€” An upcoming change of the global guard began today, as longtime leader of the World Economic Forum Klaus Schwab announced he was retiring to spend more time with his lizard family on the planet Zarkon VII.

Having met many of his important goals in the area of world domination and the destruction of freedom around the world, Schwab made the decision to step down from his throne made of human skulls and return to his homeworld, where he will live out the remainder of his life watching the plans he set in motion on Earth come to fruition.

Smiley

White House installs breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone

kmala harris microphone breathalyzer satire
© The Babylon Bee
To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone.

The decision was reportedly made in a closed-door meeting in which top administration advisers elected to equip her with a microphone that won't turn on unless she tests free of mind-altering drugs, and below the blood alcohol concentration threshold of 0.08%,

"Hopefully this will help us avoid more disaster," said one White House insider. "We've just been going into these speeches blind. Everything will seem to be going smoothly, then all of a sudden she's up there slurring her speech, dropping F-bombs, and laughing like a serial killer. Installing the breathalyzer will mitigate some of the risk involved with giving her a live mic."

"We've been through enough," the insider said. "We've got to do something. Handing her a microphone is just rolling the dice and hoping she doesn't start a war. She either spouts gibberish or she starts insulting the audience and cursing. There's no in-between. We're desperate here."

At publishing time, the White House had also confirmed they had started giving President Biden a microphone that doesn't work at all.

Arrow Down

"I used the blood spilled by British Empire to get the reds" Charles portraitist explains

Charles Portrait
© Waterford Whispers News
UNVEILING a portrait of Britain's King Charles which is set to fuel the nightmares of millions of people around the world, the artist behind the poor imitation of the painting in Ghostbuster's II has spoken on the labour intensive process which brought the portrait to life.

"I thought it was a nice nod to the royal family and British history," said painter Jonathan Yeo, who conjured up the evocative and distinctive reds in the portrait by using the vats of blood from those slain in the name of the royal family which are stored in the basements of several royal palaces.