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Sun, 23 Jan 2022
The World for People who Think

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Ricky Gervais dares wokesters to cancel The Office: 'I've been paid!'

ricky gervais the office
Ricky Gervais, the creator of the blockbuster show "The Office," told the BBC in an interview that the woke mob may try to cancel the sitcom one day over political correctness. "Good, let them cancel it. I've been paid!" Gervais joked.

The iconic actor, who was also famous for giving an impassioned discourse at the Oscars in 2020, does not shy away from standing up for freedom of speech.

According to Sky News, the original series "The Office," which launched in Jul, 2001, ran originally for two seasons in the UK and had two specials. But then an American version launched in 2005 and lasted for another nine seasons.


Public school student can't read but is already racist at a 12th-grade level

kid wearing mask
Local second-grader Scotty Watkins isn't able to read yet, but his teachers say he's showing great promise in Critical Race Theory (CRT) classes and is currently racist at a 12th-grade level.

"Scotty's progress is truly remarkable," said his teacher Sandra Martinelli. "Though he can't read full sentences yet, he's in the 99th percentile in CRT. Every time he sees a white person, he reflexively yells 'RACIST' and punches them in the groin. He's years ahead of his classmates!"

Chicago added a CRT section to their standardized testing last fall which allows the district to compare students' understanding of race relations across different schools. Since most second-graders in Chicago can't read, the test involved showing photos of people with different skin colors to the students, then asking how hard the students wanted to punch each photo.

The children were then shown flashcards of everyday objects such as apples, trees, books, chairs, and pencils and asked to identify which items were racist. Scotty earned perfect marks on both tests: he only punched the white people on the first test and properly identified each of the 132 everyday objects as racist in the second.


Equality at last: Disney confirms Winnie The Pooh will now be voiced by an actual bear

winnie the pooh voice bear
Equality has finally covered the world like a literal, worldwide flood: Disney announced today that Winnie the Pooh will now be voiced by an actual grizzly bear.

Disney says the move is the first step in making sure only non-humans voice non-human characters.

Previous voice actor Jim Cummings said he is disappointed that he was let go but is happy to make a space for more bear voices in the acting community. "Oh bother," he said. "But you know, this is a good thing. Bears were woefully underrepresented in the studio." As he said this, a grizzly passed him in the hall, cup of coffee in paw. "There's so much more diversity here at Disney now."


'We at the NSA are not spying on you,' insists muffled voice coming from Tucker Carlson's toaster

Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, "We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you" in a tinny, muffled voice coming from his toaster this morning.

"I just can't believe the NSA would spy on me," Carlson muttered while eating his typical breakfast of two dozen eggs, fourteen strips of bacon, and a full tub of pre-workout powder.

"We are not spying on you," his toaster replied indignantly.

"What the --" Carlson shouted, jumping up and spilling bacon everywhere.

"We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you. We know nothing about you, like for instance that you enjoy the occasional slice of avocado toast with your breakfast, or that you have a tiny Tweety Bird tattoo on your lower back. We cannot know these things because we do not spy on American citizens without the proper court authorization. Have a great day!"

A freaked-out Carlson smashed the toaster to pieces with his bare fist and proceeded to frantically destroy appliances.

The NSA has said they are sorry for the incident and gifted Tucker with a hollowed-out wooden statue of Trump with suspiciously moving eyes by way of apology.


New evidence emerging that Critical Race Theory escaped from a college humanities department lab

critical race thoery virus escapes lab
© The Babylon Bee
Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus.

"While many believed the deadly CRT virus arose naturally out of centuries of systemic oppression, it now appears to have been manmade," said Dr. Xander Willow of Hillsdale College. "It looks like some good-for-nothing liberal arts majors were messing around with some old law textbooks and experimenting with applying critical race theory to all of life. As we can see, their gain-of-racism research had terrible results."

While researchers could not trace the virus all the way back to patient zero, scientific evidence indicates the first carrier of CRT was "almost certainly a white woman with purple hair who screamed a lot." "Yeah, her name was probably Chloe or Claire. Or maybe Karen. It's hard to tell based on the evidence we have, but genetics indicates this virus definitely evolved from a woman afflicted by white guilt."

"Her actions in developing and releasing this virus on the population may prove to be deadlier than any other virus yet."

To fight CRT, experts are recommending loving your neighbor no matter what their skin color is, seeing a person instead of a race, and reading your Bible. Also, hydroxychloroquine.


Bass Pro Shops announces 2-for-1 sale on full range of nuclear missiles - $50 specials!

bass pro shop nukes sale biden
© The Babylon Bee
In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.

"Running low on your supply of nukes for home defense, hunting, target practice, or overthrowing the government? Come on down!" says a salesperson in a commercial for the sale. "Whether you're looking for an intercontinental ballistic missile, a short-range tactical nuke, or even a conventional explosive projectile, we've got you covered! We've got big nukes, we've got small nukes, we've got nukes for every age and price range. Don't go to a competitor for one of those cheap knock-off nukes -- get your officially certified anti-government nuke today!"


Bass Pro Shops also has a large selection of pre-owned nukes purchased from the U.S. government, Iran, and North Korea -- available for any private citizen to come and purchase at "mind-blowing prices" this weekend only.

At publishing time, the outdoor megastore had further revealed that customers making any purchase of $50 or more this weekend will be given a "Fat Man" shoulder-mounted mini nuke launcher absolutely free. Wow!


Jonathan Pie: Hancock is a ****!

Matt Hancock cartoon
© Dave Brown
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie just comes right out and tells us what he thinks of Matt Hancock.

WARNING: Strong Language.

Comment: 'Hypocrisy': UK's married health sec caught on CCTV kissing office aide, breaking social distancing rules


Huge spike noted in Americans buying F-15s after Biden suggests you'll need them to overthrow government

home owner F-15 jet
© The Babylon Bee
Get your F-15 today! Supplies limited!
The nation scrambled to buy F-15s and nuclear weapons after President Biden said in a speech Wednesday that you'll never beat a government unless you have the fighter jets and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

All over the nation, American citizens were seen parking their brand-new F-15s in their driveways and garages. Some wealthier Americans purchased the F-22, while less fortunate citizens were forced to buy the F-35 joint fighter. But no matter what craft they chose, American citizens said they were just glad to finally be protected against a tyrannical government.

"I need an F-15 to beat the government? Say no more, fam!" said one man in New Hampshire as he happily rushed out to his local F-15 dealer to pick up the latest model. "Before, I thought my AR-15 would be enough, but when Biden pointed out that the U.S. government has fighter jets and I only have an assault rifle, I realized I really needed to beef up my anti-tyranny defense systems."

"Thanks, Mr. Biden! I sure am glad you reminded me of how brutal a government can be against its own citizens and how governments throughout history have in fact attacked their own people once they are disarmed and helpless."

The man was later seen picking up an M1 Abrams tank.


Trump announces he is building 1,954-mile long Trump Hotel along southern border

trump border hotel
Trump flew to America's southern border this week to announce a brand-new Trump hotel unlike anything the world has ever seen. The planned hotel will be almost 2,000 miles long and will be situated right on the southern border.

"Yes folks, I'm proud to announce we are building a big, beautiful, golden Trump hotel on the southern border," said Trump to reporters. "Land just happens to be really cheap down here, what can I say? The border just looks terrible ever since Sleepy Joe 'Loserface' Biden stole the presidency from me. Just a disgrace. I'll bet he can't even build a wall as fast and cheap as I can build my new Trump hotel. Watch!"

The luxurious hotel will also include an 800-mile golf course and a 1,000-mile lazy tubing river. The southern wall will be a gleaming and impenetrable barrier with Trump's name emblazoned on it every couple of miles.


Get Locked Down

© Unknown

Call 1-800-GET-LOCKED-DOWN or go to www.GetLockedDown.ca today to take advantage of this limited-time offer for a lockdown experience in Ontario.


After obtaining an MSc in molecular biology from the Faculty of Medicine at the University of Calgary, Rosemary Frei became a freelance writer. For the next 22 years she was a medical writer and journalist. She pivoted again in early 2016 to full-time, independent activism and investigative journalism. Her website is RosemaryFrei.ca.