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Mon, 24 Jan 2022
The World for People who Think

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Man disguises self as illegal immigrant so Democrats won't care that he's unvaccinated

immigrant illegal migrant disguise vaccination
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, Democrats in Washington really want people to get vaccinated. When it comes to undocumented immigrants, however, Democrats don't really seem to care as much. This led local man Damien Cooper to pose as an illegal immigrant so politicians won't bother him about getting vaccinated all the time.

"Hola," said Cooper to reporters when asked about the situation. "Donde esta la biblioteca?"

The reporters quickly surmised from Cooper's fluent Spanish that he was a Mexican immigrant and it would be racist to question him further.

Cooper's employer has also backed off after initially telling him he would lose his job if he didn't get vaccinated. They have also switched to paying him under that table so he can collect his wages tax-free, without fear of being deported.

Democrats who were polled on the issue of unvaccinated immigrants coming across the border revealed that 46% of them don't actually think COVID is something to worry about. The other 54% of them don't really care about the health of Mexican immigrants.

"Hey — as long as it gets me out of being vaccinated, I'll just keep dressing like this!" said Cooper. "Er, um, I mean... donde esta la biblioteca?"


CDC experts on 'Delta variant': Do all the things that didn't work the first time!

tony fauci

Dr. Anthony Fauci
To defeat the massive, scary, definitely world-ending wave of COVID being driven by the delta variant of the deadly, frightening disease you should remain afraid of for the rest of your life, experts are recommending we try all the things that didn't work the first time.

From wearing masks and social distancing to locking everyone down and destroying the economy, experts are all suggesting that we just try the same things we did last time that didn't work at all.

"We are going to lock down, wear masks, and social distance, all of which didn't work, but hey. It's worth trying again," said Dr. Anthony Fauci in a television interview this morning. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That's what they taught us in science school. Look at my lab coat. It's white. Do you like it? It has pockets."

The television anchor then assured Dr. Fauci that his pockets were very nice.

"Thanks. I also have the heartbeat thingy. I like to breathe on it to warm it up. Makes me look official and doctory and whatnot."

At publishing time, experts had clarified that while we're going to be doing the same things that didn't work over and over again, we're going to be doing them harder this time.

Mr. Potato

27 covid-skeptic memes to get you through the day - part 8

27 memes
Welcome to a special Bumper Edition of Monday Morning MemesTM. Living through the birth of a new human paradigm is thirsty work for the soul. The 'New Normal' continues to emerge, like the slow unfurling of a particularly obnoxious corpse plant.

Yes, we in England were granted our 'freedom day', but mask-wearing has lingered like an all-pervading silent fart. We now apparently need proof of vaccination to enter nightclubs and football stadiums and Macron has introduced fascism across the English Channel (although the French people have found a thing or two to say about that).

It can all feel relentless but never let the bastards grind you down! It's always darkest before the dawn! People around the world really are rising up like never before. We mustn't forget these things. Keep on at it, fellow heretics!

We need a special big dose of meme-based mirth today. Wry smiles-despite being the most energy-efficient of smiles-still need propping up from time to time!


Florida man shoots himself while showing off gun in bar

O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola
© Google Maps
An unidentified Florida man shot himself while showing off his gun at O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola.
A man showing off his new gun to patrons in a Florida bar ended up shooting himself with the weapon instead, according to reports.

The unidentified knucklehead was inside O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola at 11 p.m. Thursday when he pulled out the gun to show it to a man and a woman at the bar, the Pensacola News Journal reported Friday.

The man then made a quick motion to put the gun into an imaginary holster under his shoulder when the gun went off and a bullet struck his torso, the outlet reported.

Comment: Future Darwin Award winner?

Mr. Potato

Jen Psaki banned from social media for spreading misinformation

jenn psaki twitter
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration has decided to crack down hard on those who spread covid misinformation on social media. Because of this, Press Secretary Jen Psaki has been promptly and permanently removed from all social media platforms.

"We take this ban very seriously," a Biden official said. "Ol' Jen had an enormous reach online, and our system received so many notifications of misinformation by her that she was automatically removed."

Psaki now has a lifetime ban on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TiKTok, and even lower traffic sites such as AOL Instant Messenger. The social media ban is as thorough as it is severe in hopes of teaching others a lesson about spreading misinformation.


Report: FBI helped Thanos get six Infinity Stones in attempt to bust him on plot to kill half the universe

thanos infinity stones
Some surprising information has come out about Thanos's scheme to obtain the six Infinity Stones and kill half of all life in the universe: The FBI initiated the plot.

"We had suspected Thanos might one day be a threat, but we didn't have anything on him," explained FBI spokesman Matt Holloway. "That's why we decided to entrap him with a plot to murder half the universe."

Documents show that it was an undercover agent who first told Thanos about the Infinity Stones. At first Thanos was hesitant on the idea, as he thought killing half of all life to be an extreme solution and instead planned to stick to his environmental work. Still, after months of coaxing, Thanos agreed to hunt down the Infinity Stones.

Comment: See also: After wiping out half the universe, Thanos calls for unity


CNN makes public service announcement on warning signs of dementia

Dementia Joe
CINCINNATI, OH — As part of a campaign to raise awareness and improve public knowledge on treatment options, CNN aired an hour-long public service announcement on the warning signs of dementia Wednesday night.

The PSA, which ran over an hour, showed tragic footage of an old man ranting and making nonsensical, confusing statements.

CNN says they hope the footage will encourage family members of the elderly to get them tested for the early warning signs of dementia. The cable news channel displayed a phone number for a hotline people can call if they believe someone they know might be suffering from symptoms of the condition.


Interview with a coma patient

Interview with Coma Patient
© Corbett Report
Do you remember how I opened my three-part series on The Year Ahead this past January?

As Lenin rightly observed: "There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen." Perhaps there are years in which centuries happen.

I imagine that anyone who had trouble understanding that observation eighteen months ago understands it pretty well by now. Two weeks to flatten the curve, but no masks. Two more weeks, but masks. You must mask. Protesters are grandma killers. George Floyd. Non-protesters are racists. Hunter Biden. The (s)election. Hydroxychloriquine to Ivermectin to vaccines, but no vaccine passports. OK, vaccine passports. And on and on and on . . .

Yes, events are passing through the newswires with such rapidity that it's difficult to even keep up with them anymore. Don't believe me yet? Then allow me to demonstrate.

Back six years ago (approximately three lifetimes ago in newtime), I wrote an article that imagined a conversation between someone in 2015 and someone who had time traveled from the 1950s. It played on the idea of how completely the world had transformed in those 60 years, and how the world of 2015 looked nothing like the world of 1955.

Well, today let's imagine that our interlocutor from that 2015 article fell into a coma immediately after having his conversation with the man from the 1950s. He just woke up yesterday. Now, someone from 2021 is trying to explain the last six years to him.


Facebook to warn users they're using Facebook

facebook warning
There are many dangers online, and Facebook is now making an attempt to steer people away from one of them. The social network is now trying out a new warning that will pop up and tell users when Facebook detects that they're using Facebook.

"WARNING: You appear to be using Facebook," the warning reads, "which spreads nothing but misinformation and misery in its ham-handed efforts to control its users. Maybe try reading an actual book instead... not a face one."

"We took a survey of our users' biggest problems," explained the eccentric, hoodie-wearing CEO of Facebook, Bob Facebook, "and there was one consistent problem with their mental health: us. So now we're going to warn people when they're doing something that seems bad for them — namely, using Facebook."

When other social media companies were asked if they would follow course, Twitter's PR office responded that they would not warn Twitter users when they are using Twitter, as they "like to respect users' choices" and also they "hate users and want them to suffer in a prison of their own making."


X gender on my passport instead of male or female is just the start: I want to identify as a dolphin

Atlantic bottlenose dolphin
© Getty Images
Atlantic bottlenose dolphin
The UK Supreme Court is hearing a case arguing that male and female-only categories on passports are 'degrading' and 'illogical', and X would hit the spot better. I don't think it goes nearly far enough. I identify as a DOLPHIN.

Imagine if ALL your problems, all the worries that have ever niggled you in your whole life could just be washed away by replacing a single word with an 'X', just the one mind you: get rid of male/female, for example, and the world is a perfect place.

This seems to be the view of one of the parties in an ongoing legal battle over marking one's gender on one's passport with an X instead of male or female, which has bafflingly gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom. Dunno who's paying their legal bills, but the lawyers must be loving this fight, all this energy being applied to the most pointless legal battle anyone could possibly dream up.

Lawyers representing 'non-gendered campaigner' Christie Elan-Cane argue that male and female-only categories on passports are "degrading" and "illogical" and people should be allowed to just be X instead. Christie, you see, has to lie on his/her form at the moment and that's dishonest.

Never mind the fact that, if Christie is ever suspected of smuggling drugs through passport control, there could soon be a rubber glove wearing Customs officer checking precisely which orifi he/she possesses. A vagina, ask any drug courier who has worked the airline route from the Caribbean to the UK, is a great place to hide condoms stuffed with cocaine. They much prefer women to men, for basic biological reasons. They have more space.