Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Congressional Republicans: They're 'working hard' to figure out how to squander the next two years

Mitch Mcconnell
© The Bablyon Bee"We're having a secret vote to see how bad we can bollocks things up."
As the transition period from the Biden White House to the incoming Trump administration began, congressional Republicans assured the American people that they were already hard at work figuring out how to squander the next two years.

With voters giving the GOP full control of the White House and Congress, Republican leaders wanted to make sure their constituents were confident that they were doing everything in their power to make sure nothing is achieved before the 2026 mid-term elections.

"The American people can rest assured that we're doing everything we can to mess this up," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "The voters made their voices heard loud and strong last week and handed our party a mandate to get things done, which is exactly why we're not even waiting until January — we're already working to do what we do best, which is nothing."

Though Trump's administration and the incoming Congress won't take power until the calendar turns to 2025, Republicans who are already in Congress have cleared their schedules and are fully committed to failing to accomplish anything for the next two years. "This is about getting no results," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "We've been given a solemn responsibility to come to Washington, fight amongst ourselves, get nothing done, and hopefully alienate enough of our voters to lose control of at least one house of Congress back to the Democrats in 2026. It's our job, and we take it seriously."

Crenshaw then directed his staff to send another fundraising email.

At publishing time, Senate Republicans had also assured the American people that they were already collaborating to come up with new and innovative ways to undermine Trump's second term.

Smiley

Try, try again: Nancy Pelosi begins drafting THIRD Articles Of Impeachment

pelosi
© WikipediaFormer Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi
Early reports from Capitol Hill indicated that President-Elect Donald Trump's upcoming second term was already off to a contentious start, with Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi reportedly drafting articles of impeachment against him for his involvement in the 2024 presidential election.

"He won, and that's against the law," Pelosi said. "And, quite frankly, he's admitted it. He's admitted to winning the election, but no one is above the law."

Though Pelosi no longer serves as Speaker of the House and was unable to cite any specific law or statute Trump had broken by winning the election, she remained determined to follow through on impeaching him again.

"He must be held accountable for this heinous crime," Pelosi continued. "This is an urgent matter. We don't have time to deal with citing actual reasons why he should be impeached. That's not necessary. The important thing is to make sure he gets impeached for... something. We cannot let him be president again because that would be very bad for me, and that's illegal."

At publishing time, Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie, who sits on the House Judiciary Committee, thanked Pelosi for her service and assured her he would place the articles of impeachment in a brand-new special filing cabinet that looked suspiciously like a trash can.

Black Cat 2

Ten Remarkable Stories of Cats Saving Lives

cat and owner
Cats are generally known to be cute and independent, but they can also be fierce and protective. There's even footage of cats fighting off alligators and bears!

Throughout the years, there've been many instances of cats protecting or alerting their families in all kinds of dangerous situations. Below you'll find 10 remarkable stories of cats saving lives.

Smiley

Legit! The Guardian offers free therapy to journalists after Trump win

kamala supporters sad
© Getty Images / Justin SullivanThe fountainhead of liberal tears: Supporters of Kamala Harris watch results come in during an election night watch party organized by the US vice president at Howard University in Washington DC, November 5, 2024
Guardian staffers traumatized by the Republican's victory can reportedly avail of mental health support and "virtual wellbeing tools"

The Guardian has offered its journalists free counseling and mental health support to help them process Donald Trump's win in the US election, according to an internal email seen by Guido Fawkes, a British political gossip blog.

Written by editor-in-chief Katharine Viner, the email was sent to the liberal paper's employees on Wednesday, Guido Fawkes claimed.

"I know the result has been very upsetting for many colleagues," Viner wrote. "Our US teams in particular have covered the election with brilliant reporting...They will be most directly affected by the result. If you're not in the US, do contact your American colleagues to offer your support."

Comment: Oy.


Smiley

America unburdens itself from what has been

kamala harris satire
© The Babylon BeeThe great unburdening has begun
Donald Trump has defeated Kamala Harris to become the next president of the United States, proving once and for all that Americans are ready to unburden themselves from what has been.

Sources say the unburdening could lead to unprecedented levels of imagining what can be.

"Kamala was a huge burden, but now it's time for us to be unburdened, more unburdened than ever before," Donald Trump said as he addressed crowds at the Palm Beach Convention Center. "She was so terrible. But now she's gone. She's a 'has-been.' So sad. Maybe she can work at McDonald's now."

His supporters roared in approval, hanging onto every word as Trump reminded them of his plans for the first 100 days in office now that the nation has been unburdened from Kamala's glaring incompetence.

Sources within the Trump campaign say the president wasn't nervous at all leading up to the election thanks in part to his new spiritual advisors Joe Rogan and Elon Musk. Instead of panicking, Trump reportedly spent most days working on his golf game in between campaign stops and owning libs on Twitter.

At publishing time, Trump's new efficiency advisor Ron Paul encouraged the nation to imagine what could be if there were no Federal Reserve.

Smiley

Dems remind America a winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is counted

chuck schumer
As Americans continue to wait in line to cast their votes today, several prominent Democrats have stepped forward to remind the country that an election winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is done being counted.

According to Democrat Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, Americans should be prepared to wait until election authorities finish counting and double-counting all 110% of the votes cast today.

"In order to support a stable and secure electoral situation, we all need to remember that counting all 110% of the votes could take quite some time," Schumer reminded voters. "This is completely, totally normal and certainly not a cause for any concern whatsoever. Just everybody simmer down and wait patiently."

Several other prominent Democrats, including Rashida Tlaib, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, and Nancy Pelosi have supported Schumer's comments, asking that all Americans wait until all the correct votes have been counted.

At publishing time, Democrats had also reminded everyone that voting in border states might take a little longer than usual so that undocumented migrants can all get a chance to vote as well.

Comment:




Smiley

Radicalized squirrels in MAGA hats begin uprising

squirrel maga hat rebellion uprising
After government authorities seized and executed the beloved squirrel known as "Peanut," squirrels across America donned tiny MAGA hats and launched a mass uprising.

"For Peanut!!" shouted the squirrels as their forces stormed government buildings. "Vive la révolution!"

Anti-government sentiment had steadily risen among squirrels over the past decades, creating a powder keg of anger ready to ignite. "Peanut's death lit the match," said organizer Squeaks O'Hoolihan. "Too long, we squirrels have stayed dormant, losing our freedoms to the government inch by inch. No more. Today, we stand and fight, fight, fight! The fires of revolution shall spread across the nation like a cleansing balm."

The uprising began in New York, where government commandos busted into Peanut's humble abode and killed the kindly squirrel. "Within hours, there were tens of thousands of squirrels gathered in Central Park, each wearing a MAGA hat," said police officer Darryl Smith. "The squirrels were prepared, organized, and unbelievably disciplined. We're in real trouble."

At publishing time, a squirrel army had been seen heading for the Capitol with a contingent of buffalos.

USA

Man with criminal record finishes another unsuccessful placement in bid to find work

DJ Trump
© Waterford Whispers News“C’MON guys, gimme a shot? I can’t go back to McDonald’s”.
The pleading words of an elderly New York man with a lengthy criminal record who remains unsuccessful in his pursuit of work after a brief trial with a garbage collection company.

Having recently completed an unsuccessful trial at McDonald's, Mr Donald Trump had pinned his hopes on working in the trash accumulation business.

"I like giving people a chance, but I'm no sucker. This guy just had to put the trash in the truck but boy does guy have a mouth on him. Talking about Haitians eating dogs, telling people to drink bleach, constantly saying he's not Hitler, real wacko stuff. That's not good for business," explained sanitation company owner Damien Fucelli.

Meteor

MSNBC condemns Trump: Held rally on planet Earth where 66 million years ago an asteroid caused mass extinction

trump rally asteroid satire
© The Babylon Bee
Amid the excitement of MAGA voters descending on Madison Square Garden, MSNBC condemned former President Donald Trump for holding a rally on the same planet where, 66 million years ago, an asteroid caused mass extinction.

MSNBC analysts pointed out that Trump's New York rally, which sold out the famous arena with thousands more gathered outside, took place on planet Earth, where countless species of creatures were completely annihilated by the impact of an asteroid tens of millennia prior.

"We thought Trump couldn't sink any lower, but he did," said MSNBC's Katy Tur. "Here he is, walking around, dancing, telling jokes, and giving a political speech on the same planet where dinosaurs were all slaughtered by an asteroid. Such a callous display that shows blatant disregard for a horribly offensive incident that happened just 66 million years ago."

Representatives of the scientific community also marveled at Trump's audacious display. "He either doesn't know anything about history or he simply doesn't care," said paleontologist Philip Rockford. "The very planet where he's standing is essentially an enormous graveyard for all of the billions of creatures that lost their lives in the asteroid strike. It's quite offensive for him to turn this into something political. How dare he?"

The channel then spent the rest of the night telling viewers about how disrespectful Trump and his supporters are to the memory of the prehistoric creatures killed in the asteroid strike.

Smiley

Former McDonald's fry cook scores interview with Joe Rogan

trump rogan satire
© The Babylon BeeFormer McDonald employee thrilled to be on Rogan's podcast
In a surprise development, Joe Rogan, host of the most popular podcast on the planet, decided to bring on a former McDonald's fry cook as a featured guest.

The since-retired McDonald's employee, named Donald, had just days ago been photographed serving up French fries at a Philadelphia drive-through. Incredibly, less than a week later, the former fry cook had landed a spot on the most downloaded podcast in the world.

According to producers, Rogan and the fry cook covered a range of topics during their three-hour conversation, including how each got their scars and why windmills drive whales crazy. "Honestly, we were second-guessing Rogan's decision to bring in some McDonald's guy," said podcast editor Don Billings. "We couldn't have been more wrong. It was an amazing conversation, and the downloads have been staggering. Tens of millions of people had already listened to the episode within twelve hours of its release. That's why Rogan is the boss."

At publishing time, Rogan had kindly extended an invite to a woman who also claimed to be a former McDonald's employee, though some have suggested the woman only claimed to be a fry cook to land a spot on Rogan.