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Mon, 26 Aug 2019
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Lost in translation: CIA ad seeking Russian speakers mocked for bad grammar

bad translation
An apparent CIA poster appealing to Russian speakers to join US intelligence has been derided for failing to reconcile Russian and English grammar and mismatching fonts. The poster allegedly popped up in Washington, DC.

The poster was spotted by Reuters' David Brunnstrom at Foggy Bottom station in Washington, which is home to many government agencies, including the State Department, the Department of the Interior, as well as George Washington University.


Resolution introduced by Democrats to impeach Trump

Rashida Tlaib
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Congressional Democrats have drafted a resolution to impeach President Donald Trump. Since the Mueller report cleared Trump of collusion with Russia, the Democrats weren't sure why they should impeach Trump and have left the reasons for impeachment on their resolution blank for now.

"Donald Trump has committed the high crime of TBA," reads the resolution written by freshman congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, "and should be impeached and immediately removed from office before he can further damage this country by [INSERT SCARY THINGS HERE]."

"He absolutely should be impeached for something, I'm like pretty sure," Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told reporters. "He's a bad man and he made fun of my Green New Deal, which I worked on for like hours."

Light Saber

May the force be with you! Star Wars tune played during Russian mayor's inauguration

Star Wars
© Reuters / Eric Vidal
People standing up to the music from 'Star Wars' movies is pretty common for Comic Con, but witnessing it at a high-profile city council meeting in Russia is truly a sight to behold.

Everybody was asked to get on their feet as the newly-elected mayor of Belgorod, Yury Galdun, was making his way to the stage to take his oath on Tuesday.

The situation clearly called for a sacramental soundtrack and it arrived swiftly in the form of the iconic score from "Star Wars" by composer John Williams.


Irish government calls on army to tackle homeless problem

© Waterford Whispers
QUICKLY responding to a recent report which found there are now over 10,000 human beings homeless on the island of Ireland, members of the Fine Gael government have called on the army to tackle the problem head on.

Blaming a mild Winter for the spiralling numbers, members of the government said that humane but urgent action is needed as herds of wandering homeless are once again migrating to towns, villages, and cities around Ireland, and that they have "taken over the place".

"We're as disappointed as anyone with the homeless - how they let it get this bad is beyond us," confirmed a Dept. of Housing spokesperson, tutting loudly. "We've tried absolutely nothing and we're pretty sure calling in the army to cull a few thousand is the only option we have left, going forward".


Mueller Madness and the media pundits who got it the most wrong!

© New York Post
Special counsel Robert Mueller has definitively put to rest the collusion theory of President Trump's election. That's not a little embarrassing for the many journalists, talking heads, celebrities and instant experts who spent more than two years furiously speculating about Moscow "pee-pee" tapes, treasonous rendezvous and the president's imminent arrest.

The president's haters no doubt wish to memory-hole collusion and move on to the next anti-Trump theory. But not so fast: We want to laurel the punditry "champion" - the one who peddled the most nonsensical nonsense, the wildest inanities, the weirdest theories and unsubstantiated stories.

That's where your brackets come in.

Our contenders are divided into four groups (not unlike NCAA conferences): the print journalists, the cable TV talkers, the Twitterati and the network news reporters and "analysts." And the brackets are seeded, with the most visible and influential figures contending against the lesser-known.


'It's easier to fly nude': Moscow airport police detain naked man who tried to board plane

Naked man
© Ruptly / Mandatory courtesy: Vesti Sevastopo
A man was filmed trying to board a plane to Crimea in a Moscow airport after stripping in public. He stood in the line for the ticket check fully nude, before bewildered police detained him.

At first, it seemed like a typical Saturday at Moscow's Domodedovo Airport. Passengers were lining up near the jet bridge to board a plane for the city of Simferopol in Crimea. But one man clearly stood out.

Footage from the scene shows the man getting in line stark naked. Covering his private parts, he calmly waited for his turn as others passed through the final check. It was not clear what the man had in mind, but he crossed himself several times as the line moved forward.


'Justin Beaver' sighting portends bad news for Washingtonians!

Justin Beaver
© The Wharf Wrats
A beaver was spotted in the Washington Channel Friday as cherry blossoms reach stage three of their development: extension of florets. This could be a bad sign as 20 years ago, a beaver family wreaked havoc upon the Tidal Basin's trees.
As Washington, D.C., gears up for cherry blossom tourist season, a toothy rodent has made a reappearance.

A beaver was spotted in the Washington Channel off the Southwest Waterfront as cherry blossoms reach stage three of their development: extension of florets.

The varmint was spotted Friday near the Wharf in Southwest D.C., scrounging on a piece of wood and staring into the distance.

The scaly tailed rodent, nicknamed "Justin Beaver" by the people who spotted it, could be a bad sign for the District's cherry blossoms: 20 years ago, a beaver wreaked havoc on the cherry blossoms.


US psychiatric wards on alert for influx of deranged liberals should Mueller report not prove collusion

medical staff hospital
U.S.-The nation's psychiatric wards are preparing themselves for an influx of deranged liberals, as Robert Mueller's official report into Russian collusion has now been filed with the attorney general.

As it now seems unlikely that the report will provide definitive proof that President Trump colluded with Russia during his 2016 campaign, psych wards and mental health facilities began bracing themselves for a wave of psychotic, disillusioned liberals to be checked in by their friends and family members.


Jonathan Pie: Brexit - What the f**k is going on?

Brexit cartoon
© Steve Bell/The Guardian
By taking back control the UK has shown that it's out of control. Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie investigates.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: Still Confused About Brexit? It's Actually Pretty Simple...
...and while a 'yellow vest' type uprising in the UK may not be appealing to the British establishment or the people, it may be the only option to further expose the real problem in so-called Western democracies today: an almost complete disconnect between the people and their increasingly corrupt leaders.


BREAKING: Everyone who opposes war is a Russian antisemite

In order to appease the internet censors, today's Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking report from the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.
Washington, D.C. (NNC) - Following the publication of the results of a groundbreaking new study this week, experts are now reporting that every single person who questions western military interventionism is both an antisemitic bigot and a Russian national.

Research analyst Les Overton is a senior fellow at the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Democracy (ASPCD), a Washington, D.C.-based think tank whose motives we can only assume are perfectly truthful and unbiased. He told NNC that the ASPCD's research clearly shows that the rate of correlation between an individual opposing western foreign policy, harboring a virulent hatred of Jewish people, and being a citizen of the Russian Federation is "at least a hundred percent, if not more."

"This is not to suggest that all Russians are antisemites or that all antisemites oppose American wars," Overton reports. "Our research shows only that people who do oppose western military interventionism are both of these things."

Comment: If one wishes to follow this path wholeheartedly then the National Association for Sound Temperament and Ill-health (aka N.A.S.T.I), fully supported by the government and its allies in the pharmaceutical industry, military industrial complex and the casino banking sector, recommend a plentiful diet of GMO's, daily vaccinations and regular bouts of stress-relieving hysterics.