Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Bizarro Earth

Tough Job: William 'will quit Army early to learn how to be king'

Prince William will leave the Army to become a full-time working royal in just 18 months, it can be revealed.

The second in line to the throne will finish his military training at the beginning of 2009 and plans to devote himself to charity work as well learning about the "art of kingship".

He insists, however, that he will not become what he describes as a "full-time meet and greeter", like other members of the Royal Family.

The prince says he wants to take time to learn more about his own strengths and weaknesses as well as the country of which, one day, he will be king.

The revelation comes only days after Prince Harry, "humiliated and depressed" after being banned from going to Iraq, told friends he had decided to quit the Army and become a fulltime working member of the Royal Family.

Sheeple

Get the flock out of here! It's the Kiwi killer sheep

In a country of three million people and 40 million sheep, it is the ultimate nightmare: one day the sheep will rise up and turn on the humans.

A film tapping into these primal fears has become New Zealand's highest-earning horror movie. Now Black Sheep, about a genetic engineering experiment that goes badly wrong, is being exported. It will have its Australian première at the Sydney Film Festival this week and opens in London in August.

Wine

The Man Who Sells the Moon

Dennis Hope, self-proclaimed Head Cheese of the Lunar Embassy, will promise you the moon. Or at least a piece of it. Since 1980, Hope has raked in over $9 million selling acres of lunar real estate for $19.99 a pop. So far, 4.25 million people have purchased a piece of the moon, including celebrities like Barbara Walters, George Lucas, Ronald Reagan, and even the first President Bush. Hope says he exploited a loophole in the 1967 United Nations Outer Space Treaty, which prohibits nations from owning the moon.

Magnify

Racy ad to be removed from flight path

A giant silhouette of a naked pole dancer painted on a field beneath Gatwick Airport's flight path is disturbing the British countryside.

The 9,300 square metre advertisement is nearly invisible from the ground, but can be seen by airline passengers, Tandridge District Council spokeswoman Giuseppina Valenza said today.

©Unk
The giant silhouette of a naked pole dancer beneath the flight path of southern England's Gatwick Airport.

Heart

Do not go gentle into that good night: singing seniors redefine rock songs

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. -- Fred Knittle wears his belt up high. His nose is tethered to an oxygen tank, and on stage he's confined to a folding chair. From this unlikely perch, he's turning rock 'n' roll on its head.

Singing Coldplay's "Fix You," Knittle transforms the song into a powerful ballad about a grandfather's healing wisdom. It means something different coming from an 80-year-old retiree suffering from congestive heart failure.

Document

Indian man, 73, fails school exams on 38th try

A 73-year-old Indian farmer who vowed not to marry before passing his high school exams has failed to get through for the 38th time.

Shiv Charan Yadav has been taking the exams -- normally given to schoolchildren at the age of 15 -- every year since 1969, without success.

He was in his 30s when he first decided to better himself through education.

This year, he failed everything except Sanskrit, scoring only 103 out of a possible 600 points.

Coffee

Boy lives with broken neck for ten years, baffles doctors

A sports fanatic teenager has baffled medical experts by living for 10 years with a broken neck that could have killed him at any time.

Alfie Tyson-Brown, 14, led an active life playing rugby, surfing, mountain-bike riding and enjoyed rollercoasters unaware he had broken a bone in his neck when he was a toddler.

Telescope

Mom's Baby Monitor Picks Up Shuttle Astronauts

A mother in Palatine, Ill., turned on her baby monitor recently and saw something that was literally out of this world, reports CBS station WBBM-TV in Chicago.

Arrow Down

Cover up!: $500 fine or six months in jail for baggy pants

A mayor in the US state of Louisiana says he will sign into law a proposal to make wearing saggy trousers an act of indecent exposure.

Delcambre town council unanimously passed the ordinance earlier this week making it a crime to wear trousers that show underwear.

Bizarro Earth

Three hurt as squirrel goes nuts

An unusually aggressive squirrel attacked three people in a German town before its last victim finished it off with a crutch, police said Wednesday.

The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off.

The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.

The dead animal was to be tested for rabies.