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Thu, 20 Jan 2022
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Depressed Brian Stelter spends all day hitting refresh on Trump's Twitter page

depressed brian stelter
In an empty office, and surrounded by empty containers of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk ice cream, CNN host Brian Stelter spent another day repeatedly refreshing the home page of Donald Trump's now-canceled Twitter account.

"There's so much that's uncertain in life, and to have one thing that you can count on ripped away... it just hurts," said a red-eyed Stelter over the sound of 10 CC's "I'm Not In Love" playing softly in the background.

"There's part of me that wants to believe it's not over," Stelter continued, "That maybe if I check the page one more time, he'll be there to give me just one more really good panic attack."


Most popular US President ever in history, to be inaugurated in secret behind giant wall guarded by thousands of soldiers

Behind Guarded Wall
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — President-elect Joe Biden will be inaugurated this week, and due to his incredible popularity with the American people, he will be inaugurated in a top-secret location behind a massive 12-foot wall guarded by 30,000 soldiers.

"The reason President-elect Biden has to do this is that he's just so incredibly popular," said Don Lemon on CNN. "He has so many rabid fans that they might try to rush the stage as they're overcome with enthusiasm and love for Biden who is by far the most beloved candidate who has ever run for President."

In addition to the 12-foot electric fence topped with razor wire and the 30,000 heavily armed soldiers who have been vetted as Democrats, there will be flying drones programmed to target MAGA hats, a platoon of ninjas, and a moat filled with crocodiles dug all the way around the Capitol Building and White House.


AOC declares Stalin was actually center-right: No Green New Deal proves it

ocasio cortez stalin

Ocasio-Cortez and Stalin
Addressing a crowd earlier this week, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that Joseph Stalin was actually a conservative or at least a center-right kind of guy.

"Nobody was actually on the left in Soviet Russia -- Stalin was center or center-conservative," she said. "Did Stalin have a Green New Deal? I don't think so. And he referred to people with binary pronouns, not to mention the lack of drag queen story hours in the gulags."

Ocasio-Cortez also criticized the Soviet Union's lack of free broadband internet and Obamaphones, blaming the society's deficiencies on Stalin "being such an ignorant, bigoted right-winger." "All historians agree that the Soviets were held back from becoming a leftist utopia by Stalin's conservative policies."

One interviewer pointed out that Stalin was general secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, but Ocasio-Cortez would not be mansplained to. "Stop catcalling me," she said, snapping her fingers in a Z formation. "I am a brave, strong, woman of color, and any criticism of me is just because of white male fragility." The interviewer was a black woman.

She said a more leftist leader could have been chosen, but the country's elections were meddled with by Putin.

Comment: Funny, but still ...


INEQUALITY! Woman makes $13 a day selling Pet Rocks on Etsy, MALE Robert Downey Jr. made millions playing Iron Man

Robert Downey Jr.
© The Babylon Bee
It's 2018, and inequality is still a HUGE problem, even in a progressive utopia like Hollywood.

Case in point: this woman's name is Xayley Briers. She spends forty-five minutes a day running her Etsy storefront selling pet rocks. Do you know how much she makes? About $13 a day.

Pretty sad, right?

Well, it gets worse. While Briers works her butt off selling and shipping pet rocks all over the country for almost an hour each day, Hollywood A-lister and cisgendered white male Robert Downey Jr. has made hundreds of millions of dollars for playing Iron Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

And what did he do? Simply help the franchise make billions worldwide. Both people are working hard, and one is making a LOT more money than the other. Why do you think that is? Oh, that's right. It's because she's a WOMAN and he's a MAN and our country apparently still doesn't recognize women as human beings.

Can you say "injustice?" DISGUSTING.


Jonathan Pie: Acting Gay!

Identity politics cartoon
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie ponders if gay characters should only be played by gay actors?

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: Russell T Davies: 'Gay roles should only go to gay actors.' How will that really help?

Bizarro Earth

Evil fascist dictator censored and voted out of office

trump dictator
The dangerous, evil, all-powerful, fascist, Nazi dictator Donald Trump has been voted out of office and censored, as is tradition for evil dictators.

"I never thought I'd live to see the day where America is ruled by a dictator!" said concerned American Kelly Lampler. "But at least now he's a dictator that has been effortlessly silenced online!"

"We are living through scary times indeed under the rule of this fascistic tyrant," said worried CNN reporter Zeeke Chambers at a time when zero journalists or dissenters have been silenced, jailed, or executed by this administration.


An honest victory speech by Joe Biden

joe biden cartoon
Hello my fellow Americans, and all my friends in Ukraine, and most of all my friends in Beijing.

Folks, the people of this nation have spoken, but fortunately my friends Mark at Facebook and Jack at Twitter managed to muffle their voices. They delivered us a clear victory, a convincing victory - Mark, Jack, and our election officials in especially Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. We won with the most votes on the Presidential ticket ever cast in the nation. We were so popular that some people voted for us twenty or thirty times. We were so popular that even imaginary people and three million dead people voted for us.

I am humbled by the trust and confidence you placed in me, I am even more astounded that you are so gullible as to have been taken in by the incessant gaslighting of the mainstream media.


Ignorant Republicans riot and don't even get any big-screen TVs

storming of the capitol
Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported.

The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all.

"Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I'll tell you that."


Trump sneaks back on Twitter by disguising self as PR rep for Chinese Communist Party

trump twitter burner account
Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States.

But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party.

Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers, he'll remove his Asian rice hat and false Fu Manchu mustache and begin tweeting about the rigged election once again.

Eye 1

Congress upset as they're the only criminals allowed in the Capitol

us congress
Congresspeople from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they're the only criminals allowed in the building.

Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations.

"We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here," said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. "Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you're an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds."

"Now, who wants to start some foreign wars?"

After the violent criminals and looters had left the building, Congress resumed voting on acts to inflate our currency, steal more money from Americans, and continue aggression against foreign countries for no reason.