Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Manual of the freedom-loving, democracy-admiring American citizen

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© The American Majority / Telegram
The manual of the freedom-loving, democracy-admiring citizen, first edition*.

Dear reader,

I've noticed that you recently expressed some confusion about your opinions and we at American Majority would like to help you!

What follows are 10 rules for being a good boi citizen. Follow them all and you will have no problems fitting in with your fellow good boi citizens.

1, You must understand that the CIA and the FBI always, without exception, work for your very best interests. They are the loyal servants of our dear Leader Joe Biden. Even if you sometimes may not understand their motivations, please remember to not ask questions. Questions are dangerous and might lead to uncomfortable answers, which you don't want.

2, Trump is bad. There's no question about it! Trump is literally Hitler. Our dear Leader Joe Biden is the savior of America and the world!

3, Russia is bad and Putin is literally Hitler. No, I mean it, Putin's double's triple performed an ancient Mongolian ritual to bring Hitler back and he now controls Russia. Yes, we said Trump is Hitler, but again, don't ask questions. Ukraine is a bastion of freedom and democracy and Zelensky is a hero above all heroes (except for our dear Leader Joe Biden, who created this good Earth).

4, China is bad. Xi is literally Hitler. Yes, okay, but yes he is. Remember what we said about questions! Good boi! Taiwan is a bastion of freedom and democracy. Our dear Leader Joe Biden will protect Taiwan at all costs!

5, Mass media never lies. They are all owned by the same people, but those people only want the very best for you, just like the CIA and the FBI and our dear Leader Joe Biden. You can feel safe in this bubble we created for you knowing they are all taking good care of you!


Illegal immigrants politely decline free flight on a Boeing

illegal immigrants boeing airplane
© The Babylon Bee"No, thanks."
Though the federal government made a generous offer to fly them to another city in the country to start a new life in the U.S., a group of illegal immigrants politely declined to receive a free flight on a Boeing airplane.

After illegally crossing the southern border, the Guatemalan migrants were kindly welcomed by government agents and offered a plane ticket free of charge, which they were glad to accept until they discovered the plane was a Boeing 737.

"No thank you, I think I'll just walk instead," one migrant said through an interpreter as he walked out onto the tarmac at the airport and saw the plane. "I appreciate your generous gift, but I did not make the perilous journey from Guatemala to Texas on foot so I could die in that infernal death trap. I thought the American government was supposed to be treating migrants well, now they want me to climb on board a Boeing? Why not just launch me to St. Louis via catapult?"

The migrant's decision dumbfounded government officials. "Who in their right mind would turn down a free flight?" one federal agent asked. "Granted, there is a risk of the aircraft's door flying off in mid-air, or a wheel falling off as the plane takes off, or the wings may just spontaneously disintegrate during the flight, but come on... who wouldn't put their life on the line to visit Baltimore or St. Louis for free?

At publishing time, the man had set off back to Guatemala on foot after learning the government would be passing out gift cards, but they were for Walmart.


Terrorists cancel plane hijack after realizing it's a Boeing

boeing hijacker cancel satire
© The Babylon Bee"Not worth the risk."
An attack by a cell belonging to a violent extremist group was averted last week, as terrorists decided against hijacking a plane after finding out it was made by Boeing.

The hijacking, which was allegedly planned to be carried out over the weekend, was called off at the last minute after the group of terrorists behind the plot discovered the flight they were targeting was a Boeing 737, which meant everyone on board โ€” including the terrorists โ€” would be in serious danger.

"We're not going anywhere near that deathtrap," said terrorist Abu Musab Alwani, who masterminded the planned attack. "We are very zealous for our faith and deeply committed to our cause of ridding our holy lands of crusading infidels, but have you seen the news lately? Parts of these planes are falling off in mid-air. These Boeing aircraft are simply not safe for hijacking."

Though officials with the Department of Homeland Security refused to make any official statements about the canceled terrorist attack, one insider confirmed the report on the condition of anonymity. "Yes, it's true," the source said. "They had spent months meticulously planning out every detail of the hijacking, but they weren't sure what make and model of aircraft it would be. Once they realized it was a Boeing plane, they chickened out. Way too high-risk."

When asked why they became resistant to hijack a Boeing plane, the terrorists said the decision was simple. "It's too unpredictable," Alwani said. "When we're going to hijack a plane and potentially kill ourselves and everyone on board, we want it to be our doing, not due to some horrible malfunction."

At publishing time, Alwani said the cell was still very much open to hijacking planes made by other manufacturers as long as the doors, wings, and wheels would stay on.


Boeing share price rises on news they're ruthless enough to potentially murder whistleblowers

Boeing Dreamliner
FOLLOWING the news that Boeing whistleblower and former-quality manager John Barnett died in mysterious circumstances, days after giving damaging evidence against Boeing in a lawsuit, share price value in the beleaguered aviation giant has bounced back now it is potentially apparent they're not above murder.

"While the shares haven't recovered to the earlier heights of 2024 at least they're no longer plummeting to the earth like a door falling off a Boeing 737," confirmed one stock market expert, "the market loves when companies project control, authority and confidence, and hey, murdering a whistleblower is one way to do that".


White House explains Capitol security fence keeps president from wandering off grounds during speech

capitol building security fence
© Carolyn Kaster/AP
White House staff explained the security fences erected around the U.S. Capitol have been put there to keep the President from wandering off the grounds while he's delivering the State Of The Union.

"No, we're not worried about protestors or any sort of violence," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told the media. "We just want to ensure President Biden doesn't wander off on one of his little walkabouts in the middle of delivering his wonderful speech, in which he will prove to the American people just how cogent and alive he is. No president in history has been more alive and not dead than Biden!"

The chainlink fencing appeared around the Capitol earlier this week, in what many assumed was an effort to keep rioters out of the building during the President's annual State Of The Union address. White House aides assured D.C. residents they don't expect violence and that they're just trying to avoid another presidential Silver Alert.

"Biden stays mentally alert by occasionally taking unplanned walks during speeches and other events," White House Staffer John Mckinley explained. "It's what keeps him so young and on the ball. We've found it's best to just anticipate these strolls and set up protective measures so the President won't wander into traffic or fall down a manhole."

At publishing time, staffers had also been seen baby-proofing the House lectern just in case Biden takes one of his unscheduled naps in the middle of the speech and hits a corner of the podium.


Democracy suffers major blow - Supreme Court rules voters can vote for favorite candidate

us supreme court
In a stunning unanimous decision that dealt a shocking blow to democracy, the United States Supreme Court affirmed that people can vote for the candidate they want.

The landmark ruling, issued just as the 2024 Presidential Election prepared to ramp up, presents a grave new threat to American freedom, as all nine justices declared that voters can, in defiance of what the ruling authorities may want, select their preferred candidate.

"We've never seen democracy in such danger," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "Today's ruling from the Supreme Court now adds credence to the belief held by fringe extremists that they are allowed to select the candidate they want in an election. This is terrifying."

The state of Colorado had boldly and bravely attempted to preserve democracy by removing former President Donald Trump from the ballot, but the nation's highest court ended all hope that freedom and liberty would reign. "We don't have a country anymore," said a despondent Rachel Maddow. "You mean to tell me that โ€” in a DEMOCRACY โ€” people can just go out and vote for whoever they want?! Why don't you just burn the Constitution already? No, seriously, can we burn it?"

At publishing time, Democrats at all levels of government across the country decried the ruling as the end of America as we know it, ushering in a new and dangerous era of people getting to vote for the candidate they want to be in charge.


Russian soldier thanks Biden for sending Abrams tanks to Ukraine

The troops are offered bonuses for each piece of Western equipment they destroy.
A US M1 Abrams tank
© SputnikA US M1 Abrams tank.
Russian soldiers have apparently recorded a video in which one of them mockingly thanks US President Joe Biden for supplying Kiev with Abrams tanks and giving the troops the opportunity to earn some extra cash for destroying them. This comes amid reports of several US-made heavy armor pieces being destroyed in less than a week.

A short clip that surfaced on social media features an apparent Russian serviceman in full military gear. "We, Russian warriors express our sincere gratitude to you for the Abrams tanks that the US is supplying to Ukraine," he says, addressing Biden in English.

The man goes on to explain that Russian troops are offered bonuses for each piece of Western equipment they destroy, and asks Biden to send more Abrams tanks, as those that have arrived in Ukraine "are very few" and the troops have to spend a lot of time hunting them down.


Biden arrives at border to address his voters

biden border voters satire
© The Babylon Bee
Amid record-breaking illegal immigration at the southern border, President Biden arrived in Brownsville Texas to address his voters, who had crossed into the United States the previous night.

"Welcome, voters, make yourselves at home!" said Biden to a group of military-aged male Chinese nationals and a crowd of convicted felons from a maximum security Venezuelan prison. "My nurse Jill always says you people are unique breakfast tacos and I couldn't have said it better. We're excited for you to live here. You have plenty of great states to choose from, like Ohio, Pennsylvania, or any other crucial battleground states. I was... I... I..."

"... well, anyway."

The confused migrant crowd was then directed to a welcome station to receive their smartphones, visa gift cards, and mail-in ballots.

Trump, who also visited the border today, was quick to condemn Biden's speech and his handling of the border. "Biden is possibly the worst president of any country in the history of the world, or maybe even the entire universe, and maybe all the other universes as well, possibly," said Trump to reporters. "He is going to destroy this country unless he's stopped by people buying my new Trump sneakers. Look at these beautiful gold sneakers. They're the greatest sneakers ever made. So, so beautiful."

Following the Biden border visit, the White House confirmed that there is no crisis at the border. "Everything is fine and there are no illegal immigrants," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre. "There is no crisis and Biden is doing a great job and he's very smart and sharp and mentally with it and you are a racist."

At publishing time, illegal immigrant support for Biden increased another 33 points.


Hunter Biden jealous after Don Jr. receives envelope of white powder

hunter biden jealous white powder satire
© The Babylon Bee
Word quickly spread throughout political circles today that President Joe Biden's son, Hunter, was consumed with jealousy after hearing Donald Trump, Jr. had received a mysterious envelope filled with white powder.

The powder-filled letter arrived from an unknown source, leaving Hunter Biden disappointed and wishing someone would take the time to do the same for him.

"Aw, come on, man! Where's my powder?" he was overheard complaining. "Trump's kids always get everything. His dad isn't even the president anymore! My dad is the guy who runs the country now, so I should be the one getting envelopes full of powder. Totally not fair. I'm gonna call Dad to find out if there's any still stashed away at the White House that they haven't found yet."

Despite not knowing what the powder was or where it came from, Hunter was eager to find out what he needed to do in order to start receiving similar letters. "It's all he could talk about last night," said one of Hunter's close friends. "He kept rambling on and on about how his supply was running low and he needed a fix. He even started asking everyone he knows if they had Don Jr.'s phone number so he could find out how he could start receiving powder in the mail. He doesn't care what it is. Coke, sawdust, you name it."

At publishing time, Hunter had finally gotten in touch with Donald Trump, Jr. and heroically offered to start opening all of his mail for him to ensure his safety.


New York prosecutes couple for fraud for listing their house at$499,000 after it sells for $485,000

house sale fraud satire
© The Babylon Bee
Local couple Marty and Shelly Cross have been officially charged with fraud after listing their home for $499,000 when it ultimately sold for slightly less.

"The Cross family knowingly and willfully tried to get a good deal when they sold their home," explained Attorney General Letitia James. "The State of New York hereby assesses the Cross family a fine of $50 million for their egregious actions. If they cannot pay by tomorrow, we will begin kidnapping their children to hold as ransom."

According to sources, the bank had performed an appraisal and actually approved a loan for the buyer at $499,000, though ultimately after negotiations the selling price was slightly less. "Yes, the bank agreed to the price set by the Cross family," admitted James. "That doesn't mean Mr. and Mrs. Cross did not commit fraud! Banks, as we all know, are poor and helpless and at the mercy of whatever amount of money people ask for. The feeble, powerless bank is the victim here, having been duped by the Cross family - and they will pay!"

The Cross family were reportedly caught completely off guard by the charges, believing they had submitted a reasonable asking price. "All we did was ask for what we wanted! No one had to agree to it. I had no idea asking for the price you wanted for your home was illegal," said Shelly. "I have to be frank, I just don't quite see how our negotiating the price with the seller and the bank did fifty million dollars of damage to the State of New York. I'm really struggling to make the connection."

At publishing time, Letitia James had put up billboards across New York with the faces of the Cross family and how much they owed in fines.