Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Biden campaign looking for 'meme lord'

biden memes dark brandon
© Mandel NGAN / AFPCut-outs of the "Dark Brandon" internet meme are displayed across from the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts, the venue for the third Republican presidential primary debate in Miami, Florida, on November 8, 2023.
Joe Biden's presidential campaign is aiming to hire a person to promote his image by harnessing the power of memes, according to a job listing. Both the Biden campaign and that of his archrival, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump, have relied on memes to boost their electoral chances ahead of the November vote.

The job ad was first posted on LinkedIn earlier this month and duplicated on the Biden campaign's website, but only came into the media spotlight this week. The job, officially titled 'Partner Manager, Content and Meme Pages', is a full-time position with a salary range of $65,000 to $85,000 a year, and is based in Wilmington, Delaware.

Meme lord hopefuls will have to "initiate and manage day-to-day operations in engaging the Internet's top content," the job description says, adding that the ideal candidate must be "passionate about bringing political content to voters where they already are on the Internet."

Comment: The opportunities for subversion are legion. Any takers?


Smiley

Biden placed in presidential Weeble-Wobble to keep him from falling down

bidenn weeble-wobble satire
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources in the White House, President Biden has been given his very own Weeble-Wobble to help keep him occupied and upright in the months leading up to November's election.

According to White House staffers, Biden's new bottom-heavy outfit was custom-made by Fisher-Price and is completely bullet-proof in addition to being impossible to knock down. It also sports a spiffy new presidential seal on the front.

Sources confirmed that if knocked over, Biden will quickly bounce upright due to the state-of-the-art weeble-wobble design.

"The president is taking a stand for democracy," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre as Biden weebled and wobbled behind her. "The right-wing conspiracy theorists who claim that the president is falling down on the job are literally wrong. This is just another example of President Biden bringing stability to our government in these topsy-turvy times."

"After I signed the packandelempackatlackact into law, my staff gave me this wbegbbobbler - PAUSE," Biden said when asked for comment. "And it only cost four hundred million billion - if you don't like it, yer a... a... well, anyway..."

At publishing time, former president Donald Trump had criticized Biden's Weeble-Wobble, demanding the pear-shaped contraption be removed for the debates.

Smiley

Klaus Schwab retires to spend more time with his lizard family on Planet Zarkon VII

Chief Lizard
© The Babylon Bee
DAVOS — An upcoming change of the global guard began today, as longtime leader of the World Economic Forum Klaus Schwab announced he was retiring to spend more time with his lizard family on the planet Zarkon VII.

Having met many of his important goals in the area of world domination and the destruction of freedom around the world, Schwab made the decision to step down from his throne made of human skulls and return to his homeworld, where he will live out the remainder of his life watching the plans he set in motion on Earth come to fruition.

Smiley

White House installs breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone

kmala harris microphone breathalyzer satire
© The Babylon Bee
To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone.

The decision was reportedly made in a closed-door meeting in which top administration advisers elected to equip her with a microphone that won't turn on unless she tests free of mind-altering drugs, and below the blood alcohol concentration threshold of 0.08%,

"Hopefully this will help us avoid more disaster," said one White House insider. "We've just been going into these speeches blind. Everything will seem to be going smoothly, then all of a sudden she's up there slurring her speech, dropping F-bombs, and laughing like a serial killer. Installing the breathalyzer will mitigate some of the risk involved with giving her a live mic."

"We've been through enough," the insider said. "We've got to do something. Handing her a microphone is just rolling the dice and hoping she doesn't start a war. She either spouts gibberish or she starts insulting the audience and cursing. There's no in-between. We're desperate here."

At publishing time, the White House had also confirmed they had started giving President Biden a microphone that doesn't work at all.

Arrow Down

"I used the blood spilled by British Empire to get the reds" Charles portraitist explains

Charles Portrait
© Waterford Whispers News
UNVEILING a portrait of Britain's King Charles which is set to fuel the nightmares of millions of people around the world, the artist behind the poor imitation of the painting in Ghostbuster's II has spoken on the labour intensive process which brought the portrait to life.

"I thought it was a nice nod to the royal family and British history," said painter Jonathan Yeo, who conjured up the evocative and distinctive reds in the portrait by using the vats of blood from those slain in the name of the royal family which are stored in the basements of several royal palaces.

Chart Bar

Latest polls show Biden will need twice as many fake ballots to win election this year

trump polls lead
As former President Donald Trump continued to build a sizeable lead in a majority of swing states, the latest polls suggest President Joe Biden would need twice as many fake ballots to win the election this year.

The startling poll results presented the Biden campaign with a sobering reminder that the standard number of fake ballots used in previous election years needed to be increased significantly for him to win again in November.

"We've got to double our target number of fake votes this year," said a Biden campaign insider under the condition of anonymity. "In previous years, we could just coast by with the standard quota of shenanigans, but this year, we've got to increase our production of hijinx and substantially raise the output of malarky."

Smiley

Dead worm found in RFK Jr.'s brain polls higher than Biden in 11 States

worm rfk brain biden poll satire
© The Babylon Bee
Following the revelation that a deadly parasite was once removed from his skull, political experts were shocked to learn that the dead worm found in Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s brain was already polling higher than Joe Biden in 11 states.

The latest poll results indicated a large portion of the electorate had abandoned Biden in favor of the deceased parasite that had previously been lodged in RFK Jr.'s brain, leaving the White House scrambling to formulate a strategy to combat the dead worm.

"We weren't expecting to see numbers like these," said one high-ranking Biden campaign strategist under the condition of anonymity. "We considered the fact that Joe would struggle up against living competition, but seeing him fall behind a worm that isn't even alive is a huge red flag. We're really fighting an uphill battle here. And, from what I've heard, you never want to fight uphill."

A campaign team had already begun to coalesce around the dead brain worm, believing it to be the most viable candidate on the left to provide an alternative to Biden. "Brain Worm 2024!" shouted one excited campaign staffer. "Why risk another four years under a failed Biden administration when you can take a stand for a brighter, more prosperous future with a dead brain worm at the helm?"

At publishing time, rumors had begun swirling that the dead worm from RFK Jr.'s brain was in discussions to name the fly that landed on Mike Pence during a debate as its running mate.

Smiley

Trump forced to wear Hannibal Lecter muzzle for gag order violations

Hannibal Trump
© The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK — Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Monday during his hush money trial for a record tenth time, compelling the judge to force the defendant to wear a restraining mask made popular by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

"Try violating this gag order, punk!" impartial and incorruptible Judge Juan Merchan said as he signaled the bailiff to muzzle the former president.

"You'll never silence me, me boys!" Trump reportedly said as his freedom of speech was cut off by an unsightly mask.

Several in the court expressed concern that the mask only prevents biting, but still allows talking. "It won't even keep him quiet! What's the point of this thing?" said a spokesperson for the prosecution.

Smiley

New York DA indicts Trump for bringing firefighters pizza but no salad or cheesy bread

Trump and Pizza
© The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by the New York District Attorney for allegedly bringing firefighters pizza but without a house salad or cheesy bread.

"After a lengthy day in court, former President Trump personally delivered pizzas to New York firefighters without a single leaf of salad or some cheesy bread," declared District Attorney Alvin Bragg. "For the sake of our democracy, he must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and then a bit futher."

According to sources close to the investigation, Trump allegedly attempted to feed firefighters without any sides to accompany the delicious fresh pizza. "Has Trump no decency, no shame?" cried MSNBC's Joe Scarborough as he played clips of firefighters shaking Trump's hand. "Look at those firefighters being bamboozled by this charlatan. Not a crouton in sight! Lock him up! Lock him up!"

Smiley

US House votes to protect every country not named the United States

house vote Ukraine funding
In a landmark bipartisan vote, the U.S. House of Representatives has voted to protect every country in the entire world, as long as that country isn't named the United States.

"Huzzah! We've done it!" Exclaimed Democrats and Republicans as they tearfully hugged each other. "Every single nation on the planet can enjoy the total protection of the United States military! Except the United States. We didn't have time to add that to the bill. Maybe later."

The representatives then joyfully called their defense lobbyist donors to tell them the happy news.

"We are proud to fulfill our sacred duty to all the nations everywhere," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "Our military now stands at the ready to protect Brazil, India, Australia, Canada, Japan, Germany, Egypt, Mexico, Nigeria, Russia, Italy, Argentina, France, Turkey, South Africa, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, Spain, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Vietnam, Philippines, Pakistan, South Korea, Bangladesh, Colombia, Poland, Ukraine, Netherlands, Iraq, Belgium, Sweden, Switzerland, Israel, Portugal, Norway, Austria, United Arab Emirates, Malaysia, Venezuela, Nepal, Greece, Czech Republic, Hungary, Denmark, Finland, Ireland, New Zealand, Singapore, Romania, Chile, Algeria, Morocco, Peru, Ecuador, Angola, Sudan, Tunisia, Bolivia, Afghanistan, Yemen, Mozambique, Syria, Cambodia, Zimbabwe, Jordan, Rwanda, Somalia, Haiti, Madagascar, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Serbia, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Slovenia, Kosovo, Georgia, Uruguay, Paraguay, Papua New Guinea, Libya, Qatar, Kuwait, Oman, Bahrain, Trinidad and Tobago, Mauritius, Fiji, Cyprus, Luxembourg, Malta, Iceland, Maldives, Brunei, Guyana, Suriname, and Djibouti."

"Did I leave anyone out? Hm... no, I think that's everyone that matters."

At publishing time, an amendment to add the United States to the bill was shot down.