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Wed, 18 May 2022
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Father of 5-year-old pterodactyl: It's not easy to get species-affirming care in America

child pterodactyl costume doctor affirming care
© The Babylon Bee
Local man and father of a 5-year-old trans pterodactyl Bradley Mingastank is struggling to find the medical care his young dinosaur son needs, as it is very difficult to find species-affirming care in the United States.

"Seriously, it's 2022, and we still haven't figured out how to provide adequate medical care to children who think they're extinct flying lizards," said Mingastank. "I do my best to raise my son Madison as a pterodactyl per his wishes, which is important for his self-esteem. I only communicate to him in ear-piercing dinosaur screeches, I feed him small rodents and fish, and every once in a while I push him off the roof of the garage so he can try flying. But no other doctors seem to be willing to help him get the ultraviolet heat lamps and lizard medicine his pterodactyl body desperately needs."

According to sources within the family, Madison first discovered his true pterodactyl identity when he put on a Halloween costume and then refused to take it off. It was then his parents knew he was a dinosaur trapped in a human child's body.

"According to science, If someone thinks they are something, then they are automatically that thing, and the whole world must pretend they are that thing or they'll die. That's just proven science," said Mingastank as he called a veterinarian to set up an appointment for his son.

UPDATE: Madison has changed his mind and has decided he is now a sea lion. His parents are currently looking for a giant aquarium to keep him in.

Smiley

JP Sears hosts Klaus ('you'll own nothing') Schwab in exclusive tell-all interview!

klaus schwab jp sears
Join JP for an exclusive sit down interview with Klaus Schwab himself! The leader of the World Economic Forum opens up and speaks very candidly about his plans for you and the future of our planet! Featuring The Great Reset, Fourth Industrial Revolution, and More!


Smiley

Man in Star Wars shirt eating $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel wonders 'Where does Disney get so much money to push its leftist agenda?'

Disney money leftist
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, local conservative/libertarian-ish man Kyle McManus on Monday pondered how Disney has so much money, power, and cultural influence to push its leftist agenda. The man wondered these things as he stood on a bridge inside Disney's California Adventure eating a $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel.

"I just don't get how Disney keeps funding all these LGBTQ agenda-driven movies and shows," said the man wearing a Star Wars T-shirt purchased for $36 at the World of Disney store. "We need to start fighting back to retake the culture, but it's just so tough when Disney has so much funding."

"I wonder where they get it all," he mused as he looked out over the fountain display in front of the Pixar Pal-A-Round Ferris wheel while dipping his $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel into his $3 cup of cheese sauce. "It's like they have unlimited money. Who on earth would fund this operation that keeps grooming our kids and pushing their radical agenda on us?"

"It must be George Soros," he concluded as he wiped the cheese sauce from his face, adjusted his Groot Mini Magnetic Shoulder Plush ($18), and wandered off toward Disneyland in search of the new, limited-edition MSE-6 series repair droid popcorn bucket at one of the stands in Galaxy's Edge, pausing first to adjust his $29.99 artificial leather Mickey Mouse ears.

Smiley

Twitter Workers Worried Elon Musk Will Turn Their Free Speech Platform Into Platform That Allows Free Speech

Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk becoming Twitter's largest stakeholder and a new member of the board of directors, many within the company are worried he may turn their free speech platform into a platform that actually allows free speech.

"This could destroy us," said Yinny Xendapoo, Twitter's director of content moderation. "When we say we're a free speech platform, we never intended to actually allow free speech! If we allowed free speech, people might say things we don't like and that's NOT ok."

People 2

Rachel Levine is 100% woman and we are sorry for calling her a man

rachel levine
We, The Babylon Bee, have decided to issue an apology. After being caught in a culture-war whirlwind of hatred and bigotry, we published an article naming Rachel Levine our "Man of the Year." Sometimes, even satirists make mistakes.

Our misgendering headline was hateful, insensitive, and cruel. Rachel Levine is 100% a real, actual woman. We were absolutely wrong to say otherwise. We understand now that our attempt at comedy was really "punching down" at a wealthy and powerful government trans woman official, and we have no excuse. We went too far.

We apologize to the trans community. We apologize to the women community, of whom Rachel Levine is clearly a part — and has been since her birth. We hope to take this opportunity to learn, grow, and be better as satirists — and as human beings.

So we invite our readers to say it with us, loudly and proudly, and with all the strength and goodness of 1000 kindergarten teachers in Florida trying to teach 5-year-olds about sex:

Rachel Levine is a powerful, beautiful woman.

Whatever that is.

Arrow Down

Rat colony beneath D.C. disgusted to find city infested with politicians

Rat in DC
© Babylon Bee
RAT LAND — A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony, ruled by a council of noble volunteers, was planning a great move to the "land of plenty" until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.

"Ewww! No wonder our ancestors made their home in the bowels of the earth," said Whisker Nosewrangle in ancient Sumerian, the language all rats speak. "Disgusting!"

"Rats, it is hereby forbidden to breach the surface," said a representative of the rat council. "The way is shut! We cannot allow the infestation to corrupt our minarchist utopia."

Surface rats who previously had no knowledge of the subterranean rat colony promptly abandoned their homes in favor of a more just and dignified society.

Smiley

Company that fueled violence in Myanmar worried about TikTok

Zuckerborg
© Waterford Whispers News
A SOCIAL MEDIA company that has been credibly accused of allowing its platform to be used to foment and facilitate genocidal violence in Myanmar and violence in other countries including Ethiopia has expressed its worry at the possible harms TikTok is exposing its young users to.

Facebook, known for the Cambridge Analytica scandal among 400 others, was so worried by this it employed a Republican party affiliated think tank to start rumours and fuel distrust of TikTok through newspaper ads and local news stories, many of which were fabrications.

"No," confirmed a Facebook spokesperson when asked if it's money was better spent solving the huge issues with its own corporate culture and products than smearing rivals.

"No," added the spokesperson when asked if it was a little embarrassing that the firm it hired spread misinformation about dangerous trends on TikTok such as 'happy slapping' encouraging students to record themselves hitting their teachers only for it to emerge that there was only evidence of this trend occurring on Facebook.

USA

Hole in one: Trump issues statement on '100% true' sporting feat

donald trump golf cart
© Jeff J Mitchell / Getty Images
Trump spoke about his golfing prowess.
Former US President Donald Trump says he pulled off the achievement while playing with seasoned pros.

Donald Trump, the former US president and potential Republican nominee in 2024, has claimed that he hit a hole-in-one while playing golf in the company of a number of professional players at his Florida club.

Trump, 75, who created numerous headlines throughout his presidency due to his fondness for the sport, released a statement Monday to say that he sank an ace on the seventh hole of his Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach while playing alongside a selection of respected pros such as Ernie Els and Mike Goodes.

Smiley

'Regina, change' what Biden said, clarifies White House Blinken

Blinken & Biden
© Alamy Stock Photo
THE USA has clarified president Joe Biden's remarks at the weekend about removing Vladimir Putin from power, stating that they have no intention of fomenting political unrest in a sovereign nation in a bid to depose the sitting government and install a new one with more favourable standpoint on the west's interests, adding 'heaven forbid, what a notion'.

"I heard people say that President Biden was hinting at a US-backed... what was that they were calling it? A regime change? Regime change, am I saying that correctly?" said Secretary Of State Anthony Blinken, in a press conference called to discuss Biden's 'senior moment' in Warsaw.

"Of course, we all agree that Vladimir Putin's reign has caused devastation for countless lives and political unrest across the world, but the notion that we would, haha, that we would somehow go about ousting him and getting one of our guys in there is laughable. How do you guys even come up with silly things like this?"

Oscar

Fauci wins Oscar for best dramatic performance

Fauci
© Babylon Bee
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an Oscars first, Dr. Anthony Fauci has won the Oscar for "Best Dramatic Performance," making him the first non-actor to receive such an award.

"From the first time we heard him say the word 'droplets,' we hung on his every word," said hilarious Oscars host Amy Schumer. "He captured us with his enthralling, soulful performance, so much so that we blindly did everything he told us to do for two whole years. Never has there been a more influential actor. This year's award for 'Best Dramatic Performance' goes to Anthony Fauci."