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Fri, 27 Jan 2023
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Biden declares the southern border as secure as America's elections

biden texas borders migrants
Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation's southern border is every bit as secure as America's elections.

"Listen, folks. There's nothing to worry about here at the southern border," Biden said to the assembled press after touring a portion of the border that had been cleared of migrants prior to his arrival. "Everything happening down here at our border with Mexico is just as safe, secure, and rock-solid as our election system. Butterscotch."

Critics had long complained about the Biden administration's lack of attention in securing the southern border, as hundreds of thousands of undocumented migrants have continued to flow into the country from Mexico. Cartel crime, human rights abuses, and ever-growing concerns about the drug trade throughout the region have run rampant with seemingly few steps taken by the government to improve security.

"Our border is as many borders are: welcoming," said Vice President Kamala Harris, Biden's chosen "Border Czar" when reached for comment. "And when someone is welcome, they are welcomed as they are, and as they will be. And have been. Welcoming is good."

Former President Donald Trump seized the opportunity to criticize Biden. "I finally agree with Sleepy Joe Biden on something," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Our borders are just as secure as our elections, which is to say NOT AT ALL. Total disgrace! Sad!"

At publishing time, Biden had already departed the border and was on his way back to Washington, D.C., where he had been promised some veggie straws and fruit snacks before his afternoon nap.

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Coal miner feels 'really sorry' for congressmen having to do all this hard work lately

coal miner
Local coal miner Don Billings has expressed deep sympathy for Congressmen having to work such long hours lately.

"Wow, four days in a row of sitting there eating takeout?" said Mr. Billings, his voice filled with compassion. "Boy, am I sorry to hear that."

News of Congress' brutal working conditions had reached Mr. Billings during a brief respite while a mine shaft was being repaired. "They came back to work in the evening after a four-hour dinner?" asked Mr. Billings in awe. "That is some kind of commitment. I sure do hope they get a nice long weekend after all that sitting around drinking."

Across the nation, Congress saw an outpouring of support over the remarkable hours they were putting in. "Four straight days of actually being at the place they work, sitting there. What heroes," said local telephone lineman Michael McGee. "I even heard they had trouble getting DoorDash to deliver, so a few had to send their aides to run across the street to pick up Chipotle. I really feel for them."

At publishing time, the coal miners were deeply relieved to hear Congress had resumed destroying coal miners' lives during their normal business hours.

Smiley

Nation in shock as politicians show up to work 4 days in a row

Congress floor representatives
The nation is in shock today following reports of representatives in Congress showing up to work for the 4th day in a row. Sources in Washington say this may be a new record, as most members of the House are used to showing up maybe once or twice per month while spending most of their time drinking cocktails with lobbyists and talking to CNN. Medical personnel has been dispatched to the Capitol Building to tend to any elderly reps in attendance, who aren't used to working this hard, while experts warn many of them may not last through today's grueling 5-hour workday.

The House is expected to adjourn early today for the sake of any at-risk senior citizens.

Smiley

Adam Kinzinger's mom lets him open one Jan 6th present in Jan 6th eve

kinsinger christmas present satire
© The Babylon Bee
Adam Kinzinger
Witnesses reported seeing former U.S. Representative Adam Kinzinger sob with delight after his mom allowed him to open one Jan 6th present on Jan 6th Eve.

The gift he opened was a tissue box.

"Thanks, Mommy, this is the best Jan 6th Eve ever!" yelled Kinzinger as he ran around the house in tearful delight while wearing his fuzzy pajamas with little rhinos printed on them. "I can't wait to see what else Old Nana Pelosi will leave under the holy guardrail tonight!"
Adam kinsinger cry

The perfect present for Kinzinger's office
While not all religious groups recognize January 6th as a holy day, some families — the Kinzingers for example — claim the holiday represents an event bigger than Christmas, the Civil War, or Earth's creation a few thousand years ago.

While Adam Kinzinger reportedly spent the rest of the sacred evening singing Jan 6th hymns he'd written himself, dozens of other devotees across the nation celebrated with their own, distinctive fervor. The Cheneys, for example, spent the evening pretending to be President of the United States.

At publishing time, reports had flooded in from fully-grown adults across the U.S. who swore they saw Old Nana Pelosi riding her lectern across the sky, wishing everyone a somber January 6th.

Smiley

Republican approval rating at all-time high after bringing Congress to grinding halt

congress satire

Congress on their tenth round of voting for Speaker and counting . . . . .
In an unexpected turn of events, congressional Republicans saw their approval ratings soar to an all-time high after bringing Congress to a grinding halt while the battle to determine the Speaker of the House dragged on.

"This isn't something we thought would happen," said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, one of the lawmakers responsible for the impasse. "But now we're a hit with voters and we're holding back the swamp? We'll take any positive results we can get."

Though establishment Republicans warned of the backlash the small group of holdouts may face as they stood in the way of progress, voters instead rejoiced that Congress was unable to conduct its business. "What are we really missing out on?" asked concerned citizen Josiah Smith. "Sending more money to Ukraine? Forming 'investigative committees' that do a bunch of talking and accomplish nothing? If holding up the speaker vote keeps all of that normal stuff from happening, I'm all for it!"

An irate Kevin McCarthy was reportedly seen throwing a temper tantrum in the halls outside his office after failing to win the speakership on the fourth ballot. "It's not fair!" McCarthy whined. "It's my turn! It's my turn!"

At publishing time, the House Freedom Caucus looked to be holding strong and was prepared to force as many votes as would be necessary to force McCarthy out of the running. Other backup plans included nominating other candidates, including one of the Capitol janitors, an Über driver found outside the building, or forgotten 1980s actor Andrew McCarthy.

Comment: Aaaaand just to make it even more fun:

Apparently according to the rules, the Speaker need only be someone who gathers enough votes in Congress for the position, with no need to be an elected member.

So, totally legit!


Smiley

FBI to host annual Jan 6 reunion

FBI undercover Jan 6

Undercover stylin'
Special agents involved in last year's 'January 6th Insurrection Against Democracy™' are set to reunite as guests of honor at an extravagant gala hosted by the FBI. The event will reportedly feature live music and entertainment, with comedian James Corden acting as master of ceremonies.

Numerous celebrities and public figures are expected to be in attendance, including former FBI Director James Comey. "I'm really excited to be relevant again," he said, excitedly rubbing his hands together.

According to sources, several private citizens have questioned why taxpayer money is being used to throw a lavish party for government officials. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki addressed these concerns during her daily press briefing.

"Well, first I would say, that President Biden is committed to the Build Back Better™ bill," Psaki reasoned. "Therefore, he cares for the American people and, as such, cares deeply about how their money is utilized. So, obviously, it's fine."

Psaki went on to applaud the FBI for all their hard work that cannot be disclosed.

The event will not be open to the public.

Smiley

Finally, a good law! Kyrgyzstan bans performers from lip-synching at state, public events

Kyrgyzstan musicians
© File
A new decree has banned lip-synching by performers at theaters, cinema halls, museums, clubs, libraries, and sports venues in Kyrgyzstan.
Kyrgyz Culture Minister Altynbek Maksutov has signed a decree banning entertainers from lip-synching songs at state and public events. The document bans lip-synching by performers at theaters, cinema halls, museums, clubs, libraries, and sports venues. According to the January 3 decree, a violation will lead to unspecified punishments of the performers, organizers, and hosts of the events. In 2021, Kyrgyz authorities forced entertainers to indicate on their promotional materials if they planned to use lip-synching at their performances.

To read the original story by RFE/RL's Kyrgyz Service, click here.

Comment: The world should follow suit, preventing travesties from being perpetrated on audiences everywhere:
Milli Vanilli
© Bernd Muller/Redferns/Getty Images
Milli Vanilli



Smiley

Trump thanks Dems for releasing the best, most beautiful tax returns ever

trump smile

Donald Trump
The House Ways and Means Committee today released Trump's tax documentation to the public, prompting the former president to thank the Democrats for releasing the best, most beautiful tax returns ever.

"These have been the best tax returns in the history of tax returns, maybe ever," Trump told his supporters. The former president put up a flurry of posts on Truth Social in which he heralded the move from the Democrats as a great victory for connoisseurs of the aesthetics of tax returns.

"Nobody takes more withholdings than me! Everyone says so. Big, beautiful withholdings - no one else is smart enough. Lots of losers can't figure out how to pay less taxes, but I'm really good at it. Maybe the best."

Democratic lawmakers have pointed to the low taxes paid by the former President as an indictment of his business acumen, but he has already issued rebuttals to their claims. "Paying minimal taxes makes me smart. The Lying Media says this is a smoking gun, but they didn't count on everyone seeing the most genius use of the tax code yet - seeing my accountants at work is like watching Shakespeare draft the Magna Carta!"

At publishing time, Trump had taken the liberty of releasing his tax returns as far back as 1991 so more people could learn "The art of the deal" and gain business success, instead of remaining haters and losers.

Rocket

Santa's sleigh mistakenly shot down by Ukrainian missile

ukraine missile santa sleigh satire
© The Babylon Bee
Somber news came out of war-torn Ukraine today as reports confirmed Santa Claus's sleigh had been mistaken for a hostile Russian aircraft and was shot down by a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile as it flew over the greater Kyiv area early this morning.

It has long been suspected that Santa Claus frequently makes test flights over this region in the days leading up to Christmas, but there have been reports of Ukrainian military personnel being overly eager to try out their new missiles provided by the United States.

"One of our reconnaissance teams observed something unidentifiable on the radar this morning," said Ukrainian military spokesperson Grigor Grigorovic at a media briefing. "We attempted multiple times to communicate with the aircraft and received no response. We very clearly warned the aircraft that we would open fire if it remained in restricted Ukrainian airspace. We did what we had to do. This tragedy is not on us. The blood of Santa Claus is on his own head."

Wreckage believed to be remnants of Santa's sleigh was found in a nearby village, though there has been no sign of Santa himself. The public is holding out hope that he has somehow survived and will still be well enough to carry on his Christmas work over the weekend.

At publishing time, the White House offered no comment on any involvement of the United States in the incident, though the Biden administration was already aware of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky already requesting another Patriot missile to replace the one used to destroy Santa's sleigh.

Smiley

Iowa sports reporter goes viral for hilarious on-air complaints about being forced to cover winter storm Elliott

sportscaster iowa winter storm
© KWWL-TV/Twitter
Iowa sportscaster Mark Woodley: "Not my job, dude!"
The winter storm that has blanketed much of the United States in snow and record-cold temperatures has been a major inconvenience for many this week, but perhaps no one had their complaints about the situation more widely heard than Iowa sports reporter Mark Woodley.

Woodley, who covers sports at KWWL-TV in Iowa, was reassigned to weather coverage this week when the winter storm in Iowa resulted in the cancellation of virtually all sporting events - and he was not happy about it. He was particularly upset about being forced to work a show that was much longer than normal, outside in the freezing cold, and made sure all his station's viewers knew about it.

In a compilation of clips that has already been viewed over 4 million times on Twitter, Woodley repeatedly aired his frustrations with the assignment on-air, griping, "I normally do sports, everything is cancelled here for the next couple of days so what better time to ask the sports guy to come in about five hours earlier than he would normally wake up, go stand out in the wind and the snow and the cold and tell other people not to do the same?"