Warning: contains strong language
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Warning: contains strong language
"I never thought I'd live to see the day where America is ruled by a dictator!" said concerned American Kelly Lampler. "But at least now he's a dictator that has been effortlessly silenced online!"
"We are living through scary times indeed under the rule of this fascistic tyrant," said worried CNN reporter Zeeke Chambers at a time when zero journalists or dissenters have been silenced, jailed, or executed by this administration.
Folks, the people of this nation have spoken, but fortunately my friends Mark at Facebook and Jack at Twitter managed to muffle their voices. They delivered us a clear victory, a convincing victory - Mark, Jack, and our election officials in especially Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. We won with the most votes on the Presidential ticket ever cast in the nation. We were so popular that some people voted for us twenty or thirty times. We were so popular that even imaginary people and three million dead people voted for us.
I am humbled by the trust and confidence you placed in me, I am even more astounded that you are so gullible as to have been taken in by the incessant gaslighting of the mainstream media.
The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all.
"Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I'll tell you that."
But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party.
Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers, he'll remove his Asian rice hat and false Fu Manchu mustache and begin tweeting about the rigged election once again.
Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations.
"We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here," said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. "Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you're an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds."
"Now, who wants to start some foreign wars?"
After the violent criminals and looters had left the building, Congress resumed voting on acts to inflate our currency, steal more money from Americans, and continue aggression against foreign countries for no reason.
"We've never in the history of America seen anything like it!" he cried. "Someone actually shoved a barricade!" he shouted, "and people pushed past security and went somewhere they were not supposed to go!"
Tapper dissolved into tears trying to wrap his mind around such utter, never-before-seen depravity in the history of this great nation. "I've never seen such wanton chanting and pushing before, and I hope to never see it again," he cried.
© THE CANADIAN PRESS/Ryan Remiorz
Dairy cows are seen at a farm, Friday, August 31, 2018 in Sainte-Marie-Madelaine, Que.
Dairy cows are seen at a farm, Friday, August 31, 2018 in Sainte-Marie-Madelaine, Que.
The U.K.-based startup ZELP — or Zero Emission Livestock Project — claims that its burp-catching masks will help slow the spread of greenhouse gas emissions, a key component in the force of climate change.
The mask is a muzzle-like contraption that monitors the percentage of methane being released by a cow. When the monitor detects an excessive amount of gas, it then converts the methane gas into water and CO2 and releases it from the device.
Comment: So wait, this cow muzzle actually interferes with the cow's digestion? How could that be considered a good thing?
See also:
- Milk from cows fed on grass is greener than soya substitutes, say scientists
- Even if CO2 caused climate change, it would be the cars, not the cows
- Cows are getting a bad rap and it's time to set the record straight: Giving up meat won't save the planet
"Listen folks-- we all make mistakes. I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a womandate. I have amended and also awomended my plan to include a mask womandate," Biden read off his teleprompter. "We will also be adding a mask non-binarydate, a mask genderqueerdate, a mask two-spiritdate, a mask polygenderdate, and a mask non-binarytrans-speciesdate. More 'dates' will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out."
According to sources, the Biden transition team has grown alarmed at the number of times the word "men" appears in the English language. They have been working around the clock to replace all usages of the word "men" in their plan with the word "women." Unfortunately, it was determined that the word "women" is also problematic, they then replaced the word "women" with "people who menstruate."
"We have a long way to go," said Biden, "but I know that in time we will mend our nation's wounds-- er, I mean, peoplewhomenstruated them."
© Babylon Bee
"Listen here, Jack-- I didn't steal the election," said Biden to a group of adoring fans in the press. "But if I had stolen the election, this is how I would have done it. It's real simple, see? My new book will give you all the dirty details!"
Comment: Russell T Davies: 'Gay roles should only go to gay actors.' How will that really help?