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Mon, 20 Sep 2021
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Smiley

Bass Pro Shops announces 2-for-1 sale on full range of nuclear missiles - $50 specials!

bass pro shop nukes sale biden
© The Babylon Bee
In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.

"Running low on your supply of nukes for home defense, hunting, target practice, or overthrowing the government? Come on down!" says a salesperson in a commercial for the sale. "Whether you're looking for an intercontinental ballistic missile, a short-range tactical nuke, or even a conventional explosive projectile, we've got you covered! We've got big nukes, we've got small nukes, we've got nukes for every age and price range. Don't go to a competitor for one of those cheap knock-off nukes -- get your officially certified anti-government nuke today!"

"SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY -- DON'T MISS THIS EXPLOSIVE DEAL!"

Bass Pro Shops also has a large selection of pre-owned nukes purchased from the U.S. government, Iran, and North Korea -- available for any private citizen to come and purchase at "mind-blowing prices" this weekend only.

At publishing time, the outdoor megastore had further revealed that customers making any purchase of $50 or more this weekend will be given a "Fat Man" shoulder-mounted mini nuke launcher absolutely free. Wow!

Bullseye

Jonathan Pie: Hancock is a ****!

Matt Hancock cartoon
© Dave Brown
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie just comes right out and tells us what he thinks of Matt Hancock.

WARNING: Strong Language.


Comment: 'Hypocrisy': UK's married health sec caught on CCTV kissing office aide, breaking social distancing rules


Smiley

Huge spike noted in Americans buying F-15s after Biden suggests you'll need them to overthrow government

home owner F-15 jet
© The Babylon Bee
Get your F-15 today! Supplies limited!
The nation scrambled to buy F-15s and nuclear weapons after President Biden said in a speech Wednesday that you'll never beat a government unless you have the fighter jets and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

All over the nation, American citizens were seen parking their brand-new F-15s in their driveways and garages. Some wealthier Americans purchased the F-22, while less fortunate citizens were forced to buy the F-35 joint fighter. But no matter what craft they chose, American citizens said they were just glad to finally be protected against a tyrannical government.

"I need an F-15 to beat the government? Say no more, fam!" said one man in New Hampshire as he happily rushed out to his local F-15 dealer to pick up the latest model. "Before, I thought my AR-15 would be enough, but when Biden pointed out that the U.S. government has fighter jets and I only have an assault rifle, I realized I really needed to beef up my anti-tyranny defense systems."

"Thanks, Mr. Biden! I sure am glad you reminded me of how brutal a government can be against its own citizens and how governments throughout history have in fact attacked their own people once they are disarmed and helpless."

The man was later seen picking up an M1 Abrams tank.

Smiley

Trump announces he is building 1,954-mile long Trump Hotel along southern border

trump border hotel
Trump flew to America's southern border this week to announce a brand-new Trump hotel unlike anything the world has ever seen. The planned hotel will be almost 2,000 miles long and will be situated right on the southern border.

"Yes folks, I'm proud to announce we are building a big, beautiful, golden Trump hotel on the southern border," said Trump to reporters. "Land just happens to be really cheap down here, what can I say? The border just looks terrible ever since Sleepy Joe 'Loserface' Biden stole the presidency from me. Just a disgrace. I'll bet he can't even build a wall as fast and cheap as I can build my new Trump hotel. Watch!"

The luxurious hotel will also include an 800-mile golf course and a 1,000-mile lazy tubing river. The southern wall will be a gleaming and impenetrable barrier with Trump's name emblazoned on it every couple of miles.

Padlock

Get Locked Down

Lockdown
© Unknown

Call 1-800-GET-LOCKED-DOWN or go to www.GetLockedDown.ca today to take advantage of this limited-time offer for a lockdown experience in Ontario.

About

After obtaining an MSc in molecular biology from the Faculty of Medicine at the University of Calgary, Rosemary Frei became a freelance writer. For the next 22 years she was a medical writer and journalist. She pivoted again in early 2016 to full-time, independent activism and investigative journalism. Her website is RosemaryFrei.ca.

Smiley

Kim Jong Un enrolls in Ivy League university to learn latest brainwashing techniques

Kim Jong Un classroom
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, beloved North Korean tyrant and lover of doughnuts Kim Jong Un is now attending Columbia University, a prestigious Ivy League school, to learn new brainwashing techniques for his regime.

"I thought I knew all there was to know about communist indoctrination, but I was wrong," said the ruthless dictator to reporters after sitting through a 2-hour lecture on why fidget spinners are a remnant of Western patriarchal oppression. "Your American college professors have this down to an art!"

Kim Jong Un then waddled over to the food court for all-you-can-eat frozen yogurt, whistling a merry tune as he went.

According to experts, Ivy League schools in America boast the world's finest anti-Western propaganda and brainwashing techniques. The North Korean dictator expressed hope that his newfound knowledge would help him make his citizens more robotically obedient.

"We still have our troublemakers, but with these Ivy League techniques, I'll have them eating out of my hand in no time!" he said.

The murderous leader of North Korea plans to go back to his home country and start his own Ivy League school: Kim Jong UNiversity.

Pumpkin

Newbie bomb-maker panics after making explosive, rushes it to police for defusing

home made bomb explosive amateur graphic
© CCO
The 25-year-old man told the police he had no intention to harm anyone after dabbling in creating a bomb.

In a bizarre incident, a 25-year-old man from India's Maharashtra state went to a police station with a bag containing explosives which he said was abandoned near a college. Later, after interrogation, he confessed that he had built the device after watching tutorials on YouTube. Afterwards, he stopped to think about the consequences of causing an explosion and hurried to the police so that they could defuse what he made.

The man, named Rahul Pagade, reportedly told the police that he had prepared the explosive using a petrol bottle and a battery. Officers told the media that they had ruled out any terror involvement and said that Pagade had no intention to plant the explosive or to harm anybody.

The man works at a salon and lives alone in a rented house in Saibaba Nagar in Nagpur city. His parents have both died and his three sisters are married, according to media reports.

"Pagade told us that he learnt bomb-making after watching tutorials and decided to do it himself. He extracted flash powder from firecrackers and used a mobile battery and a petrol bottle to make the makeshift bomb. He connected the wires from the battery to the petrol bottle," a police officer told the media.

However, he became scared when he realised the potential enormity of his action and decided to get rid of the explosives. He disconnected the wires and walked up to the police station where he handed over the bag to police on Saturday.

Meanwhile, a case has been registered against Pagade under the Arms Act and section 123 of the Mumbai Police Act.

Smiley

Texas Governor Abbot signs executive order donating city of Austin to California

Greg Abbott

Texas Governor Greg Abbott
Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order today donating the city of Austin and all its citizens to California. A move long in the making, the order gives all million citizens back to California, since most of them came from there anyway.

"I hereby declare Austin and all the hippy yuppie Democrats in this God-forsaken town are now citizens of California," Abbott said at the signing to loud cheering and applause. "Good riddance, and may God have mercy on your souls. Texas don't want you, and I sure as heck don't want you."

"This is long overdue." Many onlookers shot pistols into the air and shotgunned cans of Shiner Bock at the announcement. They all then went to Whataburger to celebrate.

Abbott is moving the capital of Texas out of Austin as part of the executive action and is considering nearby towns like Flying Mosquito, Texas, and Sweltering Plains, Texas, as the new capital.

Governor Newsom of California happily accepted the gift, as he has been needing more people to make up for all those who fled during his short time in office.

Comment: Texas would get the best of the deal!


Propaganda

'Help Wanted': Western media is in dire need of more Russia writers. Must be willing to lie, distort and engage in lazy speculation

News clips
© RT composite
News Clips
So you want to become a journalist covering Russia for Western media? Once you get past the self-serving bluster, it's really a very safe, well-paid, and rewarding job - but only on condition that you follow a set of guidelines.

Update 2021: I wrote a version of this article in 2016, but unfortunately it is still as topical as it was last time. I figured it was time for an update because some new names have appeared, and some facts have changed.

1. Mastering and parroting a limited set of tropes is probably the most important part of your work as a journalist in Russia. Never forget to mention that Putin used to work for the KGB. Readers should always be reminded of this: The "former KGB spy," the "former KGB agent," etc. Other examples include (but are not limited to) "Putin destroyed democracy," (which of course ignores what Boris Yeltsin did with US backing in the 1990s), "The Russian economy is dependent on oil," "There is no media freedom," "Russia is more corrupt than Zimbabwe," "Navalny is a political prisoner and Russia's next Sakharov," "Russia is really weak" (but also a dire threat!), "Russia is a Potemkin village" and "a dying bear" that is ruled by "a kleptocratic mafia," "Russia produces nothing..." You get the drift.

2. Not sure who is doing what? Not sure how Russia works? Just make a sentence with the word 'Kremlin'. Examples include "this will create problems for the Kremlin," "the Kremlin is insecure," "the Kremlin's support of anti-Western dictators," etc.

3. This 'Kremlin'- is always wrong, and its motives are always nefarious. If it requires many signatures to register a party, that is authoritarianism, meant to repress liberal voices. If it requires only a few signatures to register a party, that is also authoritarianism, a dastardly plot to drown out the "genuine opposition" amidst a flood of Kremlin-created fake opposition parties.

Attention

Stop the Fake Info

Fake News
© Aventislearning.com
In this rant, Nelly goes undercover on Telegram and discovers some very disturbing things...