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More people are dead than alive: The demographics of heaven

Mona Chalabi
Five Thirty Eight Life
Wed, 14 Oct 2015 15:59 UTC
hand of god

Dear Mona,

Assuming that all who expire are promoted to a peaceful afterlife, what would the demographics of heaven be?

Shannah, 27, San Francisco
Dear Shannah,

I don't know much about the afterlife, but that's OK since your question kind of boils down to: "How many people have ever died?" There I can get you some answers. But first I want to start with a bit of expectations management. When it comes to the demographics of the dead, I won't be giving you any numbers to two decimal places. This is kind of like a "guess how many jellybeans are in the jar" competition. If I'm smart about my methodology, I can get pretty close to a decent answer, but it's still a speculative estimate. Here's what I've got: Roughly 100,825,272,791 people have ever died. Let's call it 100.8 billion if you're struggling to read a number that long.
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Smiley

Obama and Poroshenko jointly awarded Nobel Peace prize


Russia Insider
Tue, 13 Oct 2015 06:26 UTC
Obama n Poroschenko
© Russia Insider
Tireless peacemakers.
In a surprising move the Nobel Prize Committee revised its former decision and has now awarded the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize jointly to U.S. president Obama and Ukrainian oligarch Poroschenko!

"The decision was not an easy one" a spokesperson of the Norwegian Nobel Prize Committee explained."Both Obama and Poroschenko contributed exceptionally to global peace during the last year!"

Extract from the laudatory speech:

"We admire the U.S. president so much for more than satisfying all expectations we had placed on Obama in 2008.

To list his successes: there was first the comprehensive troop withdrawal from Afghanistan and Iraq. And there were the liberation of Libya without any casualties and his peace missions in Syria and the Ukraine.

Obama immeasurably contributed to peace, liberty and prosperity in Middle East and the Ukraine. The most important issue for Obama was to bring democracy and western values to those countries - and he never forgot who can never be democratically elected, i.e. Assad.

Obama is now one of only five individuals who have received the Nobel Price twice. An extraordinary honor!
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Take 2

'TV reporter' loses control and finally delivers the uncensored "effin' news"


RT
Sun, 11 Oct 2015 08:29 UTC
Jonathan Pie
© Jonathan Pie / YouTube
Speaking your mind on air can be dangerous. But one news reporter appeared to get so fed up with the official stance of the news media that he completely flew off the handle and delivered the "f***ing news" raw and uncensored. His alternative report went viral, with fans asking for more. Warning: The video contains strong language.


The video first shows the apparent TV reporter, captioned as "Jonathan Pie," getting angry after producers tell him to keep delivering the news standing in front of the Palace of Westminster, while it's getting cold and rainy in London. When the man, looking visibly tired and exhausted, wonders whether he could possibly make a similar report from the studio, he is told to do the "f***ing news" without asking silly questions.

That's when Pie loses control and decides to speak from his heart, the footage shows. His impromptu report has apparently won him an army of supporters. "It would be SO nice IF TV reporters & journalists did this for real every day: told the truth, [spoke from] their hearts. It could even make me watch TV again," Jan Irhøj wrote on Facebook.

"Stellar!" Tony Medici commented. "Someone's just lost his job!" Suzanne Rogers said.

Few people have caught on the fact that "Jonathan Pie" is actually a spoof reporter. Even though his report was staged, many said they wished the real news was "really like this."

Comment: This video on Mike Sivier's original blog was so successful, that the site was transferred from wordpress to a commercial host, so he can get rewarded for what he does best.

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Mr. Potato

Obama and Congress declare 'Doctors Without Borders' a terror group


Russia Insider
Mon, 12 Oct 2015 00:00 UTC
Image

This article originally appeared in Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau. Translated from the German by Werner Schrimpf

Whoa, that was close! After having acheived a unanimous vote in both chambers of the U.S. congress president Barack Obama has had "Doctors Without Borders" declared a terrorist organization.

Thus Obama managed to leapfrog the much expected outcry of western mainstream media, also known as the "the media of truth".

"We are pretty aware that the media would have made short work of us if we had hit and destroyed a false target. We know that in this case our media do not comply with their own rules and standards and speculations are easily transformed into 'facts'.

Comment: Though satirical, it comes awfully close to sounding plausible!

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Roses

Another year wiser and not slowing down: Putin plays hockey on his birthday


Sputnik
Wed, 07 Oct 2015 20:14 UTC
Putin plays hockey
© Sputnik/ Alexei Nikolsky
As is now a tradition, Russia's President Vladimir Putin played ice hockey alongside some ex-NHL stars players from the Night Hockey League on his birthday on Wednesday.

In an indication that his strong physique shows no sign of weakening, Russian President Vladimir Putin took to the ice in the Russian city of Sochi to play a game of hockey with some legends of the sport as well as players from the Night Hockey League on his birthday on Wednesday.


Comment: See also: Happy Birthday, Mr. President: An exhibition in London turns Vladimir Putin into Julius Caesar, Batman, Gandhi and other great leaders or heroes

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Heart

Happy Birthday, Mr. President: An exhibition in London turns Vladimir Putin into Julius Caesar, Batman, Gandhi and other great leaders or heroes

Edith Hancock
City A.M.
Tue, 06 Oct 2015 16:43 UTC
Russian leader Vladimir Putin celebrates his 63rd birthday tomorrow - and Hackney hipsters look set to celebrate along with him, after the opening of an exhibition which puts Putin right up there with Alexander the Great and Mahatma Gandhi as a "famous hero" of our time.
Image
The international exhibition, "Putin Universe" will be open in Moscow and London's Hoxton Arches, on Cremer Street, all day to celebrate the politician's birthday.

According to Essex-based artist Lee West, who launched the exhibition after spending the last year living in Russia, artists from all over the world will present Putin as a person who belongs to different countries, nationalities and epochs through 30 different paintings.

Comment: We wish Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin a very Happy Birthday. Let all his visions for a better world be realized.

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Smiley

Russian justice: Moderate ammunition for moderate terrorists

Vasily Terkin
Fort Russ
Sun, 04 Oct 2015 13:11 UTC
moderate terrorist

Comment: Read until the punchline at the very end. It's worth it!


All recent official statements by Western politicians and media can be summed up in words: "If there is a terrorist not called "ISIS", they can continue to engage in terrorism and cutting people's heads. Because they are "moderate terrorists". (...)

After reading the official position of Washington, personally, I was touched. The concept of "moderate terrorists" sunk in to my inexperienced soul. On the one hand, the US claims that Russia is bombing "peaceful opposition". On the other hand, at the objects of this "peaceful opposition", something constantly detonates and explodes. Probably in the underground warehouses of the "peaceful opposition" bombed by the Russian air force, detonate and explode clots of peace and kindness that "peaceful opposition" was generously endowed with by the CIA.
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Arrow Down

Jeb Bush declares war on stuff

Andy Borowitz
The New Yorker/The Borowitz Report
Sat, 03 Oct 2015 19:19 UTC
Jeb Bush
© The New Yorker
Des Moines — Hoping to stem the fallout from his comment in the aftermath of the Oregon rampage that "stuff happens," former Florida governor Jeb Bush said today that as President he would declare an ambitious "war on stuff."

"Make no mistake: I will not sit idly by when stuff happens if there's stuff we can do about that stuff," Bush told supporters in Iowa. "In a Bush Administration there will be a zero-tolerance policy on stuff."

Pressed for specifics, Bush said that, in addition to preventing stuff from happening, he would also "work tirelessly to stop junk."

"If I see junk happening that will harm the American people, I will not put up with that junk," he said, adding for emphasis, "or stuff."

Citing an example, he said that as President he would demand that Russian President Putin stop "the junk he is doing in Syria."

"I would be like, 'If you think you can do that kind of junk and we're just going to lay back and not do stuff about it, you are sorely mistaken about that stuff,' " he said.

Striking a resolute tone at the conclusion of his speech, Bush told his supporters: "Read my lips: no junk stuff."
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Bomb

Completely mad and a threat to UK 'National Security'? Jeremy Corbyn doesn't want to cause a nuclear holocaust??

Mark Steel
The Independent, UK
Thu, 01 Oct 2015 18:49 UTC
Jeremy Corbyn
© AFP/Getty Images
Jeremy Corbyn waves as a nuclear holocaust unfolds behind him.
We knew Jeremy Corbyn was mad, but now we know he's psychotic. It turns out he won't press the button to annihilate cities in a nuclear holocaust. How could anyone be that mentally unstable?

Corbyn revealed himself as a danger to us all by saying quietly "no", in response to a calm and measured radio presenter yelling "Would you be prepared to press the button?" at him.

This should be a test in institutions for the criminally insane, to check whether an inmate should be released back into the community. If they suggest that, on balance, they wouldn't obliterate a geopolitical region in radioactive firestorms slaughtering millions of civilians and rendering a continent uninhabitable for 50 billion years, they should go back in a straitjacket like Hannibal Lecter. Only when they've learned to shout "I WANT TO PRESS THE BUTTON AND MAKE EVERYONE'S SKIN DISSOLVE" should they be let free to mix safely with their fellow citizens.
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Smiley

Satire: Germany to supply arms to Ferguson rebels in U.S.

Alexander Schaar
Fort Russ
Sat, 22 Aug 2015 11:28 UTC

Translator's note: I like satire: just change a few words, and this could be your newspaper, or some pages in the Congressional Record. Satire actually helps one realize what is going on.


american troops
The Federal government of Germany wants to supply weapons to insurgents in the US.

"The red line has been crossed!" With these words, a visibly frayed Foreign Minister Steinmeier appeared this morning before the press. "With the murder of yet another black activist, the Obama regime once again shows its ugly head!" Background: On August 09, the totally unarmed black civil rights activists Michael Brown was shot by police. Now on August 19, another black activist in St. Louis, not far from Ferguson, has been shot in cold blood by white policemen.

"The world can not continue to stand idly by," Steinmeier stressed at the press conference. "Here are peaceful human rights activists protesting against heavily armed police in a profoundly racist apartheid regime."

Therefore, the point now been reached, "in which Germany, too, must take responsibility for the oppressed peoples of the world," said Steinmeier.

As several media have unanimously reported, the government is now considering supplying arms to the rebels.

Comment: Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Except that this is exactly the situation of the U.S. and Syria. When the U.S. does it (supply arms to rebels in a foreign country to take down the government), it's 'normal'. When another country does it, it's patently absurd and obviously ridiculous. How did the world come to this?

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