After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.

"For years now, it's been 'emails, emails, emails,' - now while I may have mishandled classified emails from my time as Secretary Of State, nobody can impugn my record of properly storing and declassifying sensitive materials during my time as President!" The former First Lady and Secretary of State went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to share her achievement.

After the applause died down, Clinton motioned for Kimmel's sound tech team to pull up her Tweet where she had wished "Happy birthday to this future President" with a picture of herself.

"When I was running for President in 2016, I knew I would need to be unimpeachable in handling sensitive material - once I got into office, and more to the point, after my term ended, I was careful to declassify, acid-wash, destroy, and otherwise properly handle classified documents. Presidents have to be mindful of these things!"

UKRAINE — Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.

"These tanks are state of the art, boasting the latest and greatest in firepower, mobility, and of course LGBTQ-affirming camouflage," said Biden's Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "The fact the Russians would dare fire upon our rainbow-printed tanks shows how hateful, bigoted and on the wrong side of history these Russians truly are."

According to sources, it was a beautiful moment in Ukraine as the people cheered on the newly deployed Abrams tanks as they made their way down the streets of Kyiv. Unfortunately, this touching moment was cut short as the tanks rounded the street corner and were effortlessly, and easily targeted by Russian tanks in seconds.

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KYIV - Ukrainian officials swiftly backtracked on requests for Canadian military aid after learning that Canada planned to send them tanks belonging to the Canadian Armed Forces.

Following repeated requests for additional military aid to help push back Russian offensives, Ukrainian officials are now begging Canada not to saddle them with the financial, logistical, and mechanical burdens of maintaining the barely-functioning tank fleet.

"When we made a request to the Canadian government for tanks, we definitely did not mean their tanks," said Ukrainian Military Chief General Valeriy Zaluzhnyi.

The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc. firing their M&M's spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.

President Biden said in a statement, "The facts are clear, folks. Talking candies have hit a rough patch, but we expect them to rebound quickly. Lost jobs is a sign that our economy is moving in the right direction and that more jobs will materialize somehow."

"End of fabricated statement, walk off stage," he added.

Experts warn that unless Mars, Inc. changes course, once beloved M&M's will find themselves homeless.

"I am literally a giant M&M," said Red. "What else am I supposed to do? Unemployment doesn't last forever. Green is already out on the street turning tricks."

According to sources, Yellow passed away shortly after losing his job and attempting to eat himself. He was 30.

Governor Gavin Newsom has found himself once again mired in scandal, this time after being caught dining on eggs cooked on a gas stove at the French Laundry.

"I made a terrible error in judgment," said a somber Mr. Newsom. "At a time when most Americans cannot even dream of affording an egg, I am ashamed to say I ate two, both cooked over easy on a gas grill - that most sinister of kitchen appliances. I am sorry for the pain, hurt, asthma, and cognitive decline that I have caused with my actions."

The Governor had reportedly met several lobbyists at the French Laundry for a lavish feast of eggs and fine wine. "We understand the Governor eating gas-cooked eggs, while meeting with lobbyists working to outlaw gas grills and chicken farms, has a bit of a hypocritical ring to it," admitted Mr. Newsom's Press Secretary Rachel Rodgers. "However, the Governor is modestly handsome and he's a Democrat in California. So, he looks forward to this blowing over in a few days, and totally apologizes for his actions."

Despite Mr. Newsom's heartfelt apology, many Californians expressed frustration at his continued flouting of the rules he expects others to follow. "If Newsom wants to accuse me of killing kids by making risotto on my gas stove, the least he could do is play along," said local woman Susan Jennings. "Then on top of that, he goes and eats TWO eggs? Have some decency, for goodness' sake."

At publishing time, reports surfaced that Mr. Newsom also ordered a soufflé and used the leftover egg whites to help slick his hair back.

Have you ever wondered how Kamala Harris comes up with her brilliant insights? Meet Oliver Bartholomew, the vice president's 6-year-old speechwriter. He writes words good.

While at the World Economic Forum, rightful President Al Gore delivered a stern warning on climate change, saying the world will not make it past the year 2012 if something isn't done immediately.

"The situation has never been more dire," said Gore while wiping the lipstick of a Swiss hooker off his face. "It's more dire than it was yesterday, and more dire than it was the day before and even more dire than the day before that."

Sources say the crowd began to fall asleep as he continued.

"In fact, we have minus 11 years to fix this," Gore said as he began shouting and waving his arms to hold everyone's attention. "By 2012, we will have reached the point of no return, and trillions of people will die painful deaths and the polar bears will have to grow gills and live in the water because there will be no more ice and Kevin Costner and his friends will have to help us escape from artificial islands in the ocean and lead us to the mythical 'Dryland' unless someone builds a time machine back to the year 2000 to warn the world of its impending doom! Trust the experts!"

The consensus of climate scientists voiced their agreement with Gore by accepting his funding and then booking tv hits on CNN to warn of the imminent disaster 11 years ago.

At publishing time, experts confirmed that Gore's speech had reduced global temperatures by half a degree.

WITH NO historic precedence and having been raised on a steady diet of self-serving inept politicians only in it for enriching their bank accounts, people across the world have expressed their shock at a politician voluntarily stepping aside as the leader of a country.

The announcement saw Jacinda Ardern confirm she would not contest the upcoming general election in New Zealand and would vacate her office next month, sparking headache-inducing bewilderment.

"Weird, shouldn't they be like encouraging their supporters to attack the houses of parliament or something? And weirder still she's not a septuagenarian man," queried one onlooker, who also struggled to fathom Ardern's decision to ban semi-automatic firearms six days after a deadly mass shooting.

President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve".

"It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!"

In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the Biden administration has also recommended social distancing from gas stoves for the foreseeable future. "After the two weeks, if you must cook on a gas stove, we recommend doing so from a safe distance of six feet," said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "We advise all kitchens be marked six feet from the gas stove, and ingredients be lobbed at your pans from that safe distance. The science on this is settled. All of these precautions should be continued until Moderna comes out with their brand-new gas stove vaccine."

While many Americans have heeded the President's call, the administration has expressed deep frustration at the stubborn refusal of Republican-leaning areas. "We have to have consequences for people who refuse to follow the science, and risk the lives of others by continuing to cook with gas," said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "The first step ought to be a stove passport, which only allows those with electric stoves to participate in society. If that's not sufficient, then we must refuse hospital beds to those who brought sickness on themselves with their ignorant choice of stove."

At publishing time, the Biden administration had extended the two week timeframe to whenever the next President is sworn in.

After another trove of classified documents was found at Biden's residence, Biden defended himself by claiming he is unaware of any classified documents, or who he is, or why he's sitting in an oval-shaped office.

"Seriously Jill, what's going on here? This isn't a joke!" cried an outraged Biden to a nearby potted plant that looked somewhat like Jill Biden. "Why is everyone asking me about documents? What kind of an office has walls with no corners? WHERE IS BARACK?!"

Aides then began their morning ritual of briefing the President on the details of the scandal as well as the scheduled meetings for the day and who Joe Biden is. "Sir, they found more documents in locked in your garage," said one advisor. "Are there any other documents we should know about?"

"...Sir? What is that you have in your hand? Sir?"

Aides then tackled the President and pried a piece of paper marked "Top Secret" out of his hand just as he attempted to stuff the whole thing in his mouth.

At publishing time, the scandal erupted again after Biden was seen blowing his nose into another classified document.