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Thu, 20 Jan 2022
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White liberals watch in amazement as black man acquires ID

black voter identification satire
© The Babylon Bee
White liberals gathered in the town of Hampton Falls were shocked and astonished as local black man, accountant, and father of three Michael Sparkton walked right into a DOT office and acquired an ID without any assistance from liberals whatsoever.

"It was amazing -- he was smart, clean, and articulate enough to walk right in and acquire the ID without consulting us white people at all," said anti-racist activist Chloe Ryder to reporters. "He walked right in and got the ID, no questions asked. We thought it would be way above his intelligence level because, well. You know what I'm saying, right? Yeah. You know."

Reporters said they did not know, and Ryder was forced to whisper, "because he's black and I don't think he's capable of doing it!"

At publishing time, the liberals were amazed to see he had walked up to a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water all by himself.

Smiley

Pfizer CEO: SCOTUS ruling a 'clear violation of our Constitutional right to produce experimental drugs and use the full power of government to force the entire population to inject them into their bodies'

satire pfizer CEO right to vaccinate
© The Babylon Bee
Responding to a 6-3 SCOTUS decision striking down President Biden's unconstitutional vaccine mandate, Pfizer's CEO Albert Bourla took to CNN to condemn the ruling, which he says "violates our God-given constitutional right to produce experimental drugs and use the full power of government to force the entire population to inject them into their bodies."

"I know private citizens are supposed to have rights," said Bourla, "but what about the right of corrupt, multi-billion-dollar mega-corporations that are in bed with governments all around the world? What about our right to make billions and billions of dollars by forcing you to take a drug, even if you don't need it and it kills you? I thought this was AMERICA!"

Bourla confirmed that if everyone on earth isn't forced to take his new upcoming Omicron vaccine, he may not be able to afford his next payment on his flying yacht, which also doubles as a casino and brothel.

"Have some empathy for drug company CEOs like me," he said.

Dr. Fauci concurred with Bourla's opinion and announced that his next engineered virus will be much stronger in order to compel more people to take the vaccine. Pfizer's stock fully recovered within minutes of the announcement.

Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




Smiley

Fugitive ostriches invade Chinese city center

ostrichs get loose china
© Weibo
In the middle of the night on the 7th in Chongzuo, Guangxi, China, dozens of ostriches crossed the streets and alleys and ran freely in the urban area.
Dozens of ostriches enjoyed an unexpected day out in the city

People in Chongzuo City, China were amazed to see dozens of ostriches racing down the streets and highways, taking advantage of unexpected freedom during the weekend.

As a local ostrich farm owner later explained, around 100 birds fled their pen after somebody, either accidentally or deliberately, left the door open.

The birds enjoyed their freedom, what some witnesses called an "ostrich marathon," until local police stepped in to apprehend the fugitives.

Comment: A long clip:




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Businesses now requiring positive COVID test as proof of vaccination

Covid Positive
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-American businesses are now requiring employees to test positive for COVID before beginning their workday, since catching COVID is now the best way to prove you've been vaccinated.

The new self-imposed mandates come hot on the heels of President Biden threatening to maybe require it among federal employees at some arbitrary point in the future possibly.

Smiley

Nation observes 0 seconds of silence to read the names of those killed by Trump supporters on January 6th

january 6th commemoration
Following President Biden's speech yesterday, the nation observed a moment of silence lasting exactly 0 seconds long as they read the names of those who suffered death at the hands of supporters of former President Donald J. Trump.

Vice President Kamala Harris thanked Biden for his bold speech and took to the podium to announce the moment of silence. An intern then reverently handed her a folded piece of paper.

Several media pundits watched as Harris carefully unfolded the paper and stared at it blankly for a moment before waving the intern back. The vice president could be heard whispering, "This is blank."

Smiley

Grieving AOC lays memorial wreath at her grave on January 6th

ocasio cortes aoc wreath grave satire
© The Babylon Bee
United States Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez visited Woodlawn Cemetery this morning to grieve in quiet dignity at her own grave on the 1-year anniversary of her death on January 6. She was seen openly weeping and tearing her clothes by the photo crew she brought with her.

AOC, who was killed in the Capitol's House Chamber by murderous Trump supporters, left a wreath where her body had been peacefully laid to rest. Though she made no official statements, eyewitness testimony claims she "looked mournfully off into the distance" as if contemplating the fleeting brevity of life.

"She just looked so brave and helpless," said Jim Acosta from the scene. "I could see that she was clearly hurting. I don't know how she gets up in the morning, especially since she's already dead. What a fighter."

Once her camera crew confirmed they had several good shots, she wiped her eyes, slowly walked to her brand-new Tesla, and drove off — leaving a crew of professional mourners in her wake.

Visitors to the cemetery are advised to socially distance and mask up while mourning the loss of America's greatest congresswoman. For those mourning remotely, a contribution can be made to AOC's 2022 campaign.

Attention

White man callously attacks Native American Woman

Musk/Warren
© Unknown
Elon Musk • Elizabeth Warren
U.S. — In a heated exchange on Twitter, a powerful white man viciously attacked Elizabeth Warren — a noble Cherokee squaw and Senator from Massachusetts.

With a tear slowly rolling down her cheek, Warren said:
"This violent verbal attack on me was literally a hate crime. The white man continues to oppress my people by resisting the government's efforts to tax them into oblivion and waste all their money on spending bills that we write to pay off our campaign donors. This basically makes him a freeloader."
The white attacker — named Elon Musk — simply responded with cruel memes showing Elizabeth Warren wearing eagle feathers and war paint to mock her proud heritage. He did, however, confirm that he will continue to pay her salary, in addition to the salaries of half of Washington D.C.

UPDATE: Certain details reported initially in this story are inaccurate, as we have confirmed Elon Musk is actually African American.

RED ALERT: this is not a joke. Elon Musk sat down with The Babylon Bee for an in-depth interview on wokeness, Elizabeth Warren, the Metaverse, and how the left is killing comedy.


Smiley

23 Covid-skeptic memes to kick off 2022!

memes 2022
Where to begin? While things have much improved, and the narrative has taken a huge battering to the point of collapse, we're still in a surreal limbo of people defending a nonsensical narrative, because they can't accept the world we live in...

So perhaps it's better not to begin anywhere, but rather to spell out how it'll end:

I predict 2022 will herald a historically unprecedented victory for meme-based warfare. Millions upon millions will take to the very handheld devices shackling them to their new normal dystopia, open up their photo-editing apps and generate hilarious meme upon hilarious meme, to the point where the NWO overlords simply have to hold their hands up and say 'Fair enough! They won fair and square! I don't need all these billions anyway, let's learn to share again!'.

Smiley

AOC claims Ron DeSantis kidnapped her and held her hostage in Miami and now she is dead

ocasio cortez florida lockdown drinks

AOC in captivity in plague-infested Florida
After photos emerged of AOC in South Florida enjoying brunch free of COVID restrictions and without wearing a mask, the congresswoman quickly clarified that she had actually been taken to Florida against her will by Governor Ron DeSantis.

"Ron DeSantis kidnapped me!" cried AOC to reporters. "He captured me and dragged me to Florida and held me hostage! And then he killed me. He killed me with Omicron. And now I am dead."

The media is now demanding answers from DeSantis. Additionally, the DOJ announced they will be sending resources to investigate the Florida governor for kidnapping and homicide.

"DeSantis is just another Republican who is creepily obsessed with AOC," said CNN anchor Brian Stelter between tearful sobs. "And he proved that by kidnapping and murdering her in cold blood. This is all Tucker Carlson's fault."

Further investigations found that AOC didn't actually die but was just knocked out from too many mimosas.

Smiley

Due to supply chain issues Democrats recommend mailing in your votes for 2024 now

Pelosi mail in ballots 2024 supply chain satire
© The Babylon Bee
Vodka Nan advises on supply chain voting
The next Presidential election is three years away, but Democratic leaders in Congress aren't wasting any time getting out the vote.

"Republicans tricked Biden into creating a supply chain crisis so your vote wouldn't make it in time," said Pelosi in a statement. "You can fix that by mailing in your ballots for Biden right now! As long as they're postmarked by this week, they should make it by 2024."

When asked what exactly voters should be sending in since advance ballots were not available due to supply chain congestion, Pelosi explained, "Just write it on a napkin or something and we'll count it. And if Republicans object we'll just tell everyone they hate democracy."

Concerns over the failing health of Joe Biden were dismissed by Pelosi, who insisted he will be the presidential candidate in 2024. "If you ask a question like that again I will call you a Republican and you'll never work in journalism again," she added.

At publishing time, Sen. Bernie Sanders expressed interest in challenging Biden for the presidency with a grassroots style mail-in vote in which all ballots are personally dropped off at one of his three houses.