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Sun, 16 Jun 2019
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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Hello cussstomer service: Huge python plunges through bank ceiling, terrifies staff

python bank
© YouTube / RT
The 1.5 meter python came crashing down on top of staff at the bank in south China. Y
A Chinese bank had an unexpected - and horrifying - deposit on Friday morning when a huge 1.5-meter python decided to quite literally drop in as clerks held a staff meeting.

Staff at the bank in south China's Nanning City were standing together in a circle when the massive snake crashed right through the ceiling and landed among them, only narrowly avoiding taking down a clerk in the process.

In the disturbing CCTV footage, terrified staff members can be seen fleeing the bizarre scene as the intimidating python unfurls itself and starts to slither around the room.

Comment: Upper management dropping into the morning staff meeting:


Watch how a Sri Lanka community rescues an elephant from a well

elephant well
© Ruptly
Locals spent nearly two hours freeing the trapped elephant.
A trapped elephant who fell 25 feet (7.6 meters) into a well in Sri Lanka was eventually freed by locals following a harrowing and risky rescue mission staged by the concerned community.

Dozens of locals banded together to save the distressed elephant who was struggling to escape the narrow and steep well in Welikanda, eastern Sri Lanka, on Saturday.

Video footage from the scene shows the group using a mini-digger and their bare hands to chisel away at the side of the well. After over an hour of tough work, they eventually eroded the brick enough for the elephant to attempt to maneuver its way out.

When the animal continued to struggle, the group filled the well with soil and gravel to give it some footing. Their incredible efforts finally paid off as the plucky elephant was freed, before being guided by firecrackers and delighted cheers back into the wild.


'3 tons max? Don't care!' Big rig attempts to cross flimsy bridge that collapses

Truck on bridge
© Screenshot / SB TV / YouTube
A big rig flips over and ploughs right into a river after its driver decides to ignore a warning sign and tries to defy the basic laws of physics by driving his heavily-loaded vehicle through a flimsy wooden bridge.

A video shared by Belarus news outlet SB.BY shows a large white truck preparing to cross a small river through a short bridge. The traffic sign posted just before the bridge clearly says that the wooden structure won't hold anything heavier than three tons. The driver, however, doesn't seem to care much about the warning.


Massive apocalypse if billions are not spent on his books, predicts Al Gore

Al Gore
© The Babylon Bee
San Francisco, CA - Al Gore spoke at the Global Action Climate Summit in San Fransisco on Sunday and he didn't parse words. "This world is headed for a global catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions if everyone doesn't drop all other priorities and redirect all spending toward buying my books and seeing my movies," Gore said.

"I am not messing around," he added. "I am super serious."

Gore went on to present numerous charts and graphs showing a direct correlation between the destruction of the Earth and his profit margins.

"Science deniers can scoff all they want," he said while aiming a laser pointer at a chart showing his prediction that the Earth will end within five years if his new book does not make the top of the New York Times Bestseller List. "And even that could be too little too late," Gore said. "To really guarantee that this environmental apocalypse doesn't happen, my books need to outsell the Bible."

Eye 1

Jonathan Pie: Rise of the UK free speech police

thought crime cartoon
If you want the police to arrest people for their choice of words then you want to live in a police state. Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie investigates.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: UK: Teen found guilty of 'sending grossly offensive message by a public communication' for posting rap lyrics to her Instagram account


'Let the hate flow through you!' Cackles cloaked Hillary at campaign rally

© The Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C.- At a campaign rally designed to drum up enthusiasm among Democratic voters, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took the stage in an ominous black cloak and began encouraging her audience to let their anger control them.

"Yes, good, good," she said, nodding at the crowd's visible angst as an evil smile crept across her face. "The hate is swelling in you now. Take up weapons against Republicans - use them. Strike me down if you have to. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourselves more my servants!"

She then threw back her cloak and cackled at the sky, hands blasting powerful electric charges at several of her aides, who were fried to a crisp.


Ruff play: Top tier football match interrupted by dog wanting to have some fun

Dog and player
A weekend match in Georgia's top-flight professional football league was brought to an abrupt halt after an audacious pitch invasion interrupted a goal kick. This was not some political protest but merely a plea for a belly rub.

Current champions Torpedo Kutaisi were facing off against third-place Dila when a bold, pitch-invading dog forced a halt to proceedings by taking a shine to Torpedo goalkeeper Roin Kvaskhvadze.

The playful pup ran circles around the defense, before jostling with Kvaskhvadze, appearing to bite at his glove at least once in the tussle. The daring dog even played a dummy on one torpedo player, showing great calm as the crowd expressed their frustration with the antics on the field.


Self-proclaimed 'Old Coots' offering life advice at Utah farmers market

old coots farmers market advice
© Heather Aagard
Self-proclaimed "Old Coots Giving Advice" from left, John Lesnan, Lou Borgenicht, Gus Wheeler, Tony Caputo and Rich Klein.
Their slogan: 'It's probably bad advice, but it's free.'

The group of retired friends who meet every Saturday morning at a Salt Lake City deli were growing tired of the same conversation each week.

Sure, they were solving the world's problems. But they wanted more excitement in their Saturday morning. They wanted to share their wisdom beyond their friend group of seven. As a lark, they set up a card table at the nearby Salt Lake City's farmers market and told people they were dispensing free advice.

Bacon n Eggs

Freedom of speech doesn't apply to avocados: Costa Coffee radio advert banned for criticizing avocado breakfasts

avocado bagel
© Getty Images
The uncriticizable avocado breakfast.
An advert for Costa Coffee has been banned for urging customers to buy a bacon roll rather than avocados.

The radio ad featured a voiceover which said there was "a great deal on ripen-at-home avocados" but they will only "be ready to eat for about 10 minutes, then they'll go off".

The advert told people to choose the "better deal" of a roll or egg muffin.

Comment: As Voltaire says, "To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize." Does this mean we're ruled by avocados?

This has government mandated eating guidelines written all over it.


'Take a pill!' Ukrainian panic over nukes in Crimea is groundless, says Russian MP

Rus Nukes
© Armedia.am
'What is not in Crimea!'
A Russian MP from Crimea has told RT that Ukraine's fears about nuclear weapons deployment in the republic were groundless and advised those who spread such rumors to take anti-panic drugs.

The comment came from MP Dmitry Belik, who represents the Crimean city of Sevastopol in the State Duma in reply to recent allegations made by Ukrainian Foreign Minister Pavel Klimkin.

"I want to recommend that Klimkin takes this very good anti-panic medication, it is called valerian root, in tablet form. If Ukrainian authorities have not completely ruined their pharmacological industry, this drug must still be available in Kiev drugstores."

The Russian lawmaker also emphasized that regardless of the attempts to demonize Russia taken by certain Ukrainian officials, his country simply had no strategic or tactical reasons for deploying nuclear weapons in Crimea. At the same time he stated that Crimea would be constantly receiving new weapons within the modernization program conducted by the Russian military forces.

If the Ukrainian minister demonstrates such an acute reaction to every stage of this modernization he could soon completely ruin his health, Belik joked.

Another federal Russian lawmaker from Crimea, Ruslan Balbek, described the nuclear weapons placement in Crimea as a very unreasonable move because currently the republic has no carriers for such charges.

"However, the ignorance of Ukrainian diplomats probably allows to place a nuclear warhead on a fighter plane or a patrol boat, maybe even on a tank."