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Mon, 21 Jan 2019
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Eiffel Tower

Daring raccoon captivates the internet by scaling St. Paul skyscraper

St. Paul racoon
A daring raccoon captured the hearts of many social media users around the world as he climbed a skyscraper in St. Paul, Minnesota, and lived to tell the tale.

The furry creature began his harrowing climb after maintenance workers took the animal off the roof of another office building in the city. But the raccoon, who could not be deterred, set its sights on scaling the UBS tower, one of the tallest buildings in St. Paul.

As more people began to see the furry creature's exploits on social media, one person got creative and started a Twitter account on behalf of the raccoon.

Light Saber

Respect the slipper: Crimean safari park director uses footwear to discipline misbehaving felines

Crimean safari park directors lion taming
© Oleg Zubkov / YouTube
Zubkov, who runs the Taigan Safari Park in Crimea, has apparently perfected the art of slipper-throwing. In a video, uploaded to YouTube on June 2, Zubkov is seen intervening in a dispute between two lionesses and using his slipper to restore peace to the park.
The director of a Crimean safari park has developed a powerful weapon for maintaining order among the park's pride of lions - his slipper. A viral video shows Oleg Zubkov using his footwear to break up a (big) cat fight.

Zubkov, who runs the Taigan Safari Park in Crimea, has apparently perfected the art of slipper-throwing. In a video, uploaded to YouTube on June 2, Zubkov is seen intervening in a dispute between two lionesses and using his slipper to restore peace to the park.

Black Cat 2

Cuddly oracle cat makes prediction on outcome of World Cup opening match

cat predicts world cup
© Sputnik
SusSushi the cat predicts World Cup game outcomes
She sleeps for over 15 hours a day but when Sushi the cat wakes up to play and chase invisible entities around the house, she also enjoys watching football and predicting game outcomes.

It was Paul the Octopus in 2010 who became famous when he correctly predicted all the matches of the German team during the World Cup in South Africa. With the World Cup 2018 about to kick off in Russia, there is a new fluffy player in the psychic game.

A UK resident, Sushi was given a choice between two boxes, marked after the two teams opening the tournament on June 14.


Starbucks 180,000 employees radicalized after anti-bias training - 'Coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression'

Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation's Starbucks employees reportedly returned to work Wednesday radicalized and united behind a new credo stating that "coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression."

"Welcome to Starbucks, you fucking bourgeois pig," said barista Alexandra Balvin, delivering the greeting in lockstep with 180,000 Starbucks workers across the nation who were suddenly sporting camouflage-printed aprons, hanging up Che Guevara posters, and writing "Imperialist Swine" or "AmeriKKKan" on customers' coffee cups.

"Can I interest you in one of our Ultra Caramel Frappuccinos? The coffee is all sourced from oppressed bean pickers exploited by the same capitalist forces that allow you to spend on a single beverage what they make during an entire week of grueling physical labor. Don't feel pressured to buy anything, though. You're welcome to just sit at a table or use the bathroom to wash the blood of the working class off your hands."

At press time, sources confirmed baristas at approximately 8,000 Starbucks locations were overturning tables and throwing them through plate-glass windows to notify customers that stores would be closing in 15 minutes.


Sage Chinese police advice on how to survive a knife attack

chinese police officers
© Aly Song / Reuters / File
A video posted by Chinese police offering advice on how to deal with a potential knife attack has gone viral for its straight-talking but humorous content.

The 12 second clip begins with a message from a seemingly earnest police officer.

"Today we will be teaching you how to deal with a knife wielding assailant," the officer says firmly as fellow police stand behind him.

A man with a knife then approaches the officer, who responds by running away and screaming loudly; "Help!! Police officer!!"

The comical video hammers home the message that people should run away and seek the help of law enforcement if they are confronted by a knife attacker.

The clip which has garnered more than 16 million views, according to New China TV, was created by the Longyang District Branch of police based in Baoshan City of the Yunnan Province.

Arrow Down

"Pothole Killer" falls into sinkhole in Niagara Falls, New York

© RobShots
A sinkhole halted a piece of large equipment ironically dubbed a "Pothole Killer" at 18th and South Streets in Niagara Falls on Thursday.

There were no injuries, Niagara Falls Police have confirmed.

They are working to get the truck out of the sinkhole.

The "Pothole Killer" belongs to a Pennsylvania-based service which the City of Niagara Falls contracts with to fill potholes.

Star of David

"You don't need to investigate us, we did it" - Israeli government tells UN human rights investigation team

© Waterford Whispers News
The Israeli government has kindly offered to save the UN the hassle of investigating allegations of war crimes by the state against unarmed Palestinian protestors which resulted in dozens of deaths and hundreds of injuries, by just coming out and admitting that yup, they 'shot the fuck out of those people'.

The UN Human Rights Council had met earlier in the week to discus sending an independent team of investigators to the region to discover the truth about the mass shooting in which 60 Palestinians were murdered in the Gaza area amid protests regarding the relocation of the US embassy to Jerusalem, an action that may have contravened the Geneva Convention.


Expelled Russian diplomats allowed back after shooting some Palestinians

Russian Embassy in London
© Henry Nicholls / Reuters
Russian Embassy in London
DOZENS of countries who expelled Russian diplomats in March have agreed to allow the officials back after it was reported that they shot and killed Palestinians in the Gaza strip earlier this week.

Originally deported from Ireland, the US, France, Italy and Germany, in solidarity with the UK over an alleged spy attack which is still shrouded in mystery, over 150 Russian diplomats made their way to Israel last week in the hopes of getting 'back on side' with their assigned nations.

"Murdering Palestinians in cold blood seems to be the only way to get into their good books these days, as shown by our Israeli friends who seem to be impervious to expulsions," explained Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, while pointing to a wall of death containing the pictures of the dead men, women and children the diplomats assassinated in cold blood, "so we decided to send all of our ousted diplomats on a killing spree in Gaza to appease our overlords, and thankfully it seems to have worked".

Following confirmation of the killings, each diplomat was immediately granted access back to their allocated nation, with Irish Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney stating that he was very happy with Ireland's previously expelled Russian official: "I've seen the pictures of the dead Palestinians he has killed and I am delighted to welcome back our Russian friend to Dublin to carry out whatever it is he does here".

Comment: If you want some inconvenient truth, just listen to the comedians.


Skripal case forces scientists to revise everything they thought they knew about Novichok

Porton Down
Warning: This article is likely to contain traces of satire.

In the aftermath of the poisoning of Sergei and Yulia Skripal in Salisbury on 4th March, scientists are currently re-evaluating their understanding of A-234 - or Novichok as it is more commonly known. Prior to the poisoning, it had been thought that the substance was around 5-8 times more toxic than VX nerve agent, and therefore that just a tiny drop would be likely to kill a person within minutes or possibly even seconds of them coming into contact with it. In the unlikely event of a person surviving, it was believed that their central nervous system would be completely destroyed, and that they would suffer numerous chronic health issues, including cirrhosis, toxic hepatitis, and epilepsy before dying a premature and miserable death, probably within a year or so.

However, according to an anonymous source at the Porton Down laboratory, which is located just a few miles down the road from Salisbury, scientists now believe they may have completely misunderstood the properties and effects of the chemical:
"All the available information we had about Novichok before March this year suggested that it was by far the most lethal nerve agent ever produced, and we had assumed that even the tiniest drop would kill a person within minutes. However, after studying the movements of the Skripals after being poisoned, we have now revised our understanding, and we now believe that one of its primary effects is to generate in its victims a strong desire to go out for a beer followed by a pizza."

Pumpkin 2

Satire: Netanyahu proclaims day of mourning for 'security' wall damaged In Gaza conflict

Benjamin Netanyahu
© Gali Tibbon / Reuters
Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public's worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday's conflict at the Gaza border. "We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this poor, innocent length of fence," said Netanyahu, who throughout his reportedly stirring eulogy shared several images of the youthful barrier, which was first erected between Israel and the Gaza Strip in 1994. "Let us never forget what happened to this beautiful razor wire-topped barricade, which still had so much life ahead of it. As we lower our flags to half-mast, I encourage all Israelis to take a few moments to consider the great sacrifices made by our many brave fabricated enclosures." Sources confirmed Netanyahu concluded the solemn ceremony with a 21-gun salute fired directly into a group of Palestinian protesters.