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Wed, 20 Mar 2019
The World for People who Think

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Leprechauns enjoy final St Patrick's Day having driven all snakes out of Ireland to Westminster

© NewsThump
Leprechauns are enjoying their last St Patrick's Day free from any responsibility, it has emerged.

With the issue of the Irish Border still crippling the Brexit process, it is anticipated that by next St Patrick's Day all leprechauns will have been forced to staff or guard the border twenty-four seven.

Cheeky leprechaun Simon Williams told us, "Yes, gone are the days of us drunkenly cavorting around, eating Lucky Charms breakfast cereal and trying to find pots of gold at the end of rainbows, without a care in the world.


The key to stopping mass shootings is to pass sensible legislation against thoughts and prayers says AOC

© Babylon Bee
I've noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That's a correlation -- a science word that means "one caused the other."

Now, I'm a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science -- except economics which isn't a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I'm going to act. I'm going to tweet, "Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers." And I'm going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill -- or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that's easier.


New government guidelines require police supervision for knife use

Supervised Knife use!
© NewsThump
New guidelines proposed by MPs today would mean knives could only be used under the supervision of at least two security officers.

The rules, which would make cooking your dinner a massive faff, are intended to reduce knife crime by keeping owners of 'potentially murderous' cooking, steak and chefs knives under permanent supervision.

When not supervised, people would be expected to keep their kitchen knives in a locked, secure cabinet to prevent anyone taking them away and doing some stabbing on a whim.


Bear bandit raids Siberian ranger hut in search of... a newspaper?

© Sayano-Shushenski Nature Reserve
In a highly entertaining video a bold brown bear was caught burglarizing a ranger hut in Siberia's Sayano-Shushenskiy Nature Reserve only to become extremely distracted by a newspaper.

The ranger hut on the banks of the Sinyaya river is so remote it's only visited once or twice a year, which is why the hilarious surveillance video footage only emerged in recent weeks.


New edition of Harry Potter series to include sections on World History so millennials will actually know something useful

Harry Potter series
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-In a desperate attempt to educate millennials, widely regarded as a generation of Tide Pod-eating ignoramuses who are almost as bad as the Boomers, a new edition of the Harry Potter series is being released which will now contain extended sections discussing world history.

"We're tired of constantly telling them 'Read another book!'" explained educator Philip Weber, who was behind the change. "So we've worked out the rights with J. K. Rowling to put all the information they'll need into the only books they'll read."

In this new version of the Harry Potter series, the children attend the world history classes of a Professor Floopyflobbleflibble, and great detail is given as to exactly what Harry, Ron, and Hermione learn about such things as World War II and the Cold War. While learning, the children reinforce the importance of their new knowledge by saying things like, "This all seems like useful information -- maybe not for defeating Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but probably good to know for when we are old enough to vote."


The fastest growing disorder in America? Trump Derangement Syndrome! Are you a sufferer?

Trump signs crowd
© Global Look Press/Erik Mcgregor
If anyone you know is suffering from symptoms below, offer emotional support now. 2020 may be too late. If in the presence of Alyssa Milano or CNN staff, don't mention the word "collusion," speak no Russian, don't carry an orange.

The following scientific taxonomy simply identifies those afflicted with Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Congress is currently investing in progressive research into a cure known as impeachment, but no permanent remedies are expected to be available for 18 months, at least.

Grandiose delusions

TDS sufferers are not Democrat supporters in temporary political opposition, they are the Resistance.


Russian granny walks 90 miles a week to deliver mail to village

Mail lady
© Ruptly
It's been half a century since 83-year-old Ekaterina Dzhalaeva-Otaraeva started to deliver mail to the Tsei village in Southern Russia. Three times a week she walks 48km (30 miles) along the mountain roads.

The woman was fascinated with the postal job since her childhood years, during the war, when she was waiting for her brother's letters to arrive from the frontline.

"We only had a one elderly postman in our village. Everyone would run to him and so did I," Ekaterina says.


True progressivism knows the truth: 'We're the last possible hope for mankind'

ocasio cortez bomb
The United States birth rate has continued to fall as millennials increasingly believe that everything is bad, the world is going to end, and to bring kids into this nightmarish hellscape would be tantamount to child abuse.

"The world is going to end in twelve years. If you have kids, it will end in probably like six years or something because they'll just breathe more," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said on a recent Instagram Live broadcast. "I have the science right here." Ocasio-Cortez held up a copy of National Geographic. She later realized she had been referencing an article from 1989 warning that the world would end in 2001 if deep and wide environmental policies were not enforced. "If scientists from thirty years ago said the world was going to end in 12 years, who am I to doubt science?" she said upon realizing this."Science is science."

"The most progressive thing we can do is abort as many of the next generation as possible so they don't have to be brought into this apocalyptic nightmare," said progressive blogger Martina Bridges on a live stream over her iPhone from the driver's seat in her Lexus on a sunny day in Santa Monica while drinking a cucumber lime acai iced tea.


Georgia woman wins $10K for actually reading the fine print in her insurance policy

suitcase of cash
© Pixabay / PublicDomainImages
A Georgia teacher is $10,000 richer after winning a contest buried in the fine print of an insurance policy contract. There's a lesson in here somewhere, if you read between the lines (ouch!).

Donelan Andrews came out of her travel insurance contract $10,000 wealthier after spotting a line in the text of her insurance contract informing her she was one of the "very few" customers to actually read to the end - and would be rewarded for her perseverance.

The high school teacher contacted Florida-based insurer Squaremouth less than 24 hours after its "Pays to Read" contest launched - the first of the 73 customers who'd bought a policy to actually read through it.


Upcoming Eurovision song contest overshadows Israeli war crimes

War Crimes
© Waterford Whispers News
RTÉ have urged the country not to bother looking into the litany of atrocities carried out by the Israeli government against the people of Palestine between now and the Eurovision Song Contest in Tel Aviv on May 16th, as they may dampen the nation's enthusiasm for catchy tunes and a dazzling stage show.

The statement comes following the announcement of Ireland's entry this year, a wonderfully original instant pop classic that is almost certain to scoop us Europe's biggest music prize, despite calls to boycott the event due to Israel's ongoing persecution of the ever-shrinking state of Palestine.

With the massive ad revenue available for showing the conscience-free event, a spokesperson for RTÉ said that the state broadcaster weighed up the pros and cons of turning our back on Israel while they continue to rack up war crimes and found the scales tipping heavily towards 'let's go'.