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Thu, 23 May 2019
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Satire: Facebook claims party celebrating Candace Owens's suspension was 'honest mistake'

candace owens satire Facebook
© The Babylon Bee
After pictures emerged of Mark Zuckerberg and other Facebook executives celebrating the suspension of Candace Owens's account, Facebook claimed the party was "an honest mistake."

Programmers at the social network say their algorithm "went a little haywire" and scheduled the party.

"Sometimes our code gets a little aggressive and suspends people and also schedules a big celebratory bash for getting rid of another conservative voice," said programmer Lenny Wallace. "It was an innocent error, and we've adjusted the code to make sure it doesn't happen again."

Evil Rays

"Only we are allowed to spy on people" says Google

CEO Sundar Pichai
© Waterford Whispers News
TECH giant Google has announced it will be barring Huawei from updates to its Android operating system as the Chinese smartphone maker is accused of doing exactly what Google already does - harvesting peoples information.

The move comes after the Trump administration added Huawei to a list of companies that American firms cannot trade with, citing a threat to American national security from those "dodgy Chinese lads".

Mr. Potato

'Trump, Russia, possible collusion' - fake news pundits' hysteria set to music

Trump, Russia, possible collusion
Hahahahahahaha!


Bullseye

No dairy projectiles: Cops ask McDonald's to halt milkshake sales while Farage is in town

McDonalds
© Reuters / Yves Herman
Scottish police reportedly asked an Edinburgh McDonald's branch not to sell milkshakes or ice-cream during Nigel Farage's visit following a spate of attacks from protesters using the dairy products as projectiles.

The former UKIP leader was in town to speak at the Corn Exchange for a Brexit Party campaign rally on Friday evening. Signs informing customers of the milkshake and ice-cream ban were posted in a nearby branch in Chesser.

The milkshake clamp-down follows a spate of beverage-based attacks on far-right activist Tommy Robinson and UKIP MEP candidate Carl Benjamin.

Doberman

Puppy-loving president of Turkmenistan gifts military with delightful dogs

man and dog
© YouTube / Хроника Туркменистана
The outlandish president of Turkmenistan is known for many random things - drag racing, singing, DJing - but it appears gifting puppies for no apparent reason is now cemented among his growing list of traits.

Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov appeared in a creative piece of footage shot by state media to show a "day in the life" of the extravagant president. A heavy day in office apparently includes riding a horse, playing with puppies, writing a book about the Turkmen Shepherd, and finally gifting the military with said puppies.

Gear

In celebration of Russia's taste for speed and legendary bad roads, 'tractor racing' poised to become 'new national sport'

Russia tractor racing
© Bison Track Show Press center
Tractor racing, an annual event held in Rostov-on-Don, South Russia, every summer, is in the running to become a national sport in the country, steadily evolving from a funny entertainment show to a serious competition.

Organizers of 'The Bison Track Show' insist that a tractor is the most suitable and comfortable vehicle for Russian roads, which remain to be problematic in the country.

Cheeseburger

Grand Theft Ursus: Cheeky bear leaves Russian hunters without food

Brown bear
© Sputnik / Maksim Blinov
Beware of the bears when you go into the woods in Russia. They are very dangerous, and may even rob you - and there is some impressive video evidence for doubters!

Stopping their truck on a highway on the Kamchatka Peninsula in Russia's Far East was clearly a mistake for a group of hunters.

Mr. Potato

Confusion: Biden says 'Margaret Thatcher' called him with concerns about Trump

joe biden
Joe Biden is so popular among world leaders, he's having a hard time keeping them all straight.

Biden, who would be 78 on Inauguration Day, told a small group of donors in Columbia, South Carolina on Saturday that "14 heads of state" have contacted him, and "voiced concerns about Trump."

Bloomberg reports:
That list included Margaret Thatcher, he said, before correcting what he called a "Freudian slip," that he was actually referring to current British Prime Minister Theresa May.
Thatcher died in 2013. She left office in 1990.

Fish

Twitter has 'whale of a time' over the Russian 'spy whale'

russian whale
© Reuters / Jorgen Ree Wiig
Social media users have been enthralled by a so-called 'Russian spy whale' that was recently spotted in Norwegian waters. Agent Belugov, your cover is blown!

The beluga whale first approached a fishing boat off the coast of Norway's Ingoya Island, wearing a harness with a GoPro camera attached. The strange discovery soon prompted speculation that the whale was a trained infiltrator.

Also on rt.com Well done, Comrade Belugov! Did 'Russian Navy whale' trick Norwegians into seizing spy harness?

Twitter had a ball with the idea.



Comment: See also: Be scared, be very scared! Whales, crickets, and other fearsome Russian doomsday weapons


Pumpkin 2

Be scared, be very scared! Whales, crickets, and other fearsome Russian doomsday weapons

russian scare weapons
Headlines were blaring the word "Russian" again the other day because the mass media narrative managers found yet another reason for westerners to feel terrified of the icy potato patch that we'd barely ever thought about prior to 2016. I'd like to talk about the Kremlin's latest horrifying horrific addition to its fearsome doomsday artillery, and recap a few of the other incredibly frightening and terrifying tactics that those strange Cyrillic-scribbling demons of the East are employing to undermine truth, justice, and the American way. Just to make sure we're all good and scared like we're supposed to be.

Gather the kids, clutch your pearls and sign off on hundreds of billions of dollars of extra military spending, my patriotic brethren! Here are five super scary ways the Red Menace is trying to destroy you and everything you hold dear:

1. Whales


Headlines and TV news segments from virtually all mainstream outlets were falling all over themselves the other day to report the fact that some Norwegians found a tame beluga whale with a harness on it, and "experts" attest that the animal may have been part of a covert espionage program for the Russian navy.

While there is no indication that this spying cetacean has been trained in the arts of sonar election meddling or shooting novichok from its blowhole, the Guardian helpfully informs us that the harness was labeled "Equipment of St. Petersburg", and was equipped to hold "a camera or weapon".